Author Topic: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?  (Read 10103 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2013, 09:48:07 PM »
I think it's not OK that they used this babysitting time that was allocated for a medical procedure, to go shopping, especially since they didn't * ask *  but rather just *did*

However, I was wondering, how handicapped is you grandpa? How much does this make your grandma housebound, so to speak? Who usually helps her out?Because, while it wasn't OK,, and it certainly isn't the OP's responsibility, I could see her thinking in terms of 'yay! Thanks to granddaughter,  I have a few hours of 'freedom''

That's a good point, Cicero!  And you may be right on target there.  But if that's what her thinking was, she still should have called the OP and checked to be sure it was okay.   The way it turned out, OP was kind of tricked into taking care of him -- maybe twice if she goes again Saturday.  A little honesty there might have gone a long way.

lady_disdain

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #16 on: March 28, 2013, 09:52:15 PM »
If the procedure had been delayed an hour and half (because of hospital delays, complications, etc), I would still have considered it inconsiderate if Grandma's escort hadn't warned (specially if it was because of hospital delays, not complications) but I might have been more willing to forgive them because of the stress. I would also have called your aunt-in-law and asked what was up after an hour, as I would have been worried!

However, to do this because of a shopping trip, without even letting you know that Grandma was well, is very inconsiderate! Not apologizing is just the icing on the cake.

I would make my excuses on Saturday, mainly because they caused me worry with the delay in a medical procedure. If they had called and asked if I could hold the fort for a shopping trip, I most likely wouldn't have minded at all.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2013, 09:53:50 PM by lady_disdain »

johelenc1

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2013, 10:37:05 PM »
This is your grandmother - who needs a medical procedure - and your grandfather - who needs help with his care.  I get grandma and SIL were inconsiderate, but if you honestly want to pick this moment to "teach them a lesson", then I just don't know what to tell you.

They should have called you when they were running late.  And, next time I would definitely tell them to call if they are running past x hours. 

But, if you have the time, then I think you should help.  I do like the idea of driving grandma and SIL staying with Grandpa.  And, I absolutely think you can tell SIL that since it's Saturday, her husband/ the kid's dad can be in charge.  Another option would be to have your family come with you to be with Grandpa.  Unless he is especially unpleasant, it might be nice for your children to hang out with Grandpa.

I totally get teaching people how to treat you.  But unless there is some kind of history or you don't like your grandparents, you can "teach them" bu simply saying, "hey I was getting really worried when you took so long.  Then I found out you were just shopping.  It would have been nice if you had called me to tell me what was going on and see if I had the extra time to stay."

You can stand up for yourself without making a mountain out of a molehill.

Sharnita

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2013, 10:58:11 PM »
Driving grandma and being there when she has her procedure might not be the "easy" job.  Does aunt drive them/help them/visit them a lot?  Is she more than a ride ( will she be ther to support/question/verify as far as medical info?) Does aunt regularly help grandma with appoinments and errands?  How does the ratio of responsibility spread out among family members?

I would not assume that aunt had fun taking grandma shopping - she might have been as much "on duty" as OP was.  I do not know that she was inconsiderate or even if Grandma was.  I think that it is probably really difficult for anybody outside the situation to know, especially as far outside the situation as we are.  I do know that when caring for elderly relatives it seems like some people carry a larger share of the load and soemtimes that seems unfair.  And there are times when a person is asked to step up and take a bigger roll for a moment due to various reasons, including the need for respite.

OP I think it might be best for everyone in the family to assess who is doing what, how it is working, if things can/should be adjusted, etc.  If you, your parents, SIL, grandma or anyone else is doing more than they feel they can keep up they might need to ask others to step up.

miranova

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #19 on: March 30, 2013, 06:10:56 PM »
They did not ask you to babysit so that they could go shopping.  You may not have been so willing to help if they just wanted a day out shopping (which is perfectly understandable, they can hire someone for that, it's not a necessary excursion and shouldn't rely on someone doing them a personal favor for something like that). 

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the reason they didn't call is because they knew it was rude to just take advantage of your willingness to help by going shopping and staying out later.  They didn't ask because they didn't want to risk a "no".  Easier to ask forgiveness than permission, they say.  (Although they didn't even ask forgiveness!)

I would not be doing them any more favors.  I don't see why the OP is the only person that can be called on to watch a child and her grandfather.  Surely there are other family members to spread the wealth to.

Sharnita

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #20 on: March 30, 2013, 06:27:29 PM »
Is this the first time they've ever had to leave grandpa?  Is OP always the one who stays with him?  It seems entirely possible that they have pread they responsibility among various family members.  It sounds like aunt has beeen given driving responsibility, maybe medical responsibility.

RooRoo

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2013, 03:52:06 PM »
On Saturday? Twice?

That sets off my hinky meter.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have never had any surgical procedure - and I have had 5 outpatient ones in the last year and a half - scheduled on a Saturday. Like the rest of the world, my various doctors take weekends off, except for emergencies. Since Grandma's procedure was re-scheduled for a week later, it's not an emergency.

If it happened around here (Colorado, USA), I would look at those shopping bags, and be sure they had taken advantage of me. I would not fall for it a second time.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

WillyNilly

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #22 on: April 01, 2013, 05:37:37 PM »
On Saturday? Twice?

That sets off my hinky meter.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have never had any surgical procedure - and I have had 5 outpatient ones in the last year and a half - scheduled on a Saturday. Like the rest of the world, my various doctors take weekends off, except for emergencies. Since Grandma's procedure was re-scheduled for a week later, it's not an emergency.

If it happened around here (Colorado, USA), I would look at those shopping bags, and be sure they had taken advantage of me. I would not fall for it a second time.

Doctors are service providers. Plenty of people such as myself, absolutely will not deal with any Dr who does not offer weekend and evening hours. Period. As such I know of almost no Dr's who do not offer weekend and evening hours. And once you add hospitals into the equation - well sick people don't get sick on convenient M-F, 9-5 schedules, so Dr's must be available 24/7/365 in hospitals. Procedures on a Saturday are extraordinarily common - I would guess they are in fact the most popular day for most people.

RooRoo

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #23 on: April 01, 2013, 08:25:48 PM »
My procedures were done by an orthopedic surgeon, and an ophthalmologist. I was told that the first does procedures on Tuesday and Thursdays, and the second on Tuesdays.

And I know that they handle emergencies. The hand surgeon was late more than once because he was performing emergency surgery, and my first appointment with the eye guy was an emergency - on a Saturday.

Considering that a mere office visit has to be scheduled at least a month in advance, I don't think they are hurting for patients.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late

artk2002

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #24 on: April 01, 2013, 09:15:34 PM »
On Saturday? Twice?

That sets off my hinky meter.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have never had any surgical procedure - and I have had 5 outpatient ones in the last year and a half - scheduled on a Saturday. Like the rest of the world, my various doctors take weekends off, except for emergencies. Since Grandma's procedure was re-scheduled for a week later, it's not an emergency.

If it happened around here (Colorado, USA), I would look at those shopping bags, and be sure they had taken advantage of me. I would not fall for it a second time.

I checked with Mrs.k2002, who spent most of her career as a circulating nurse and then was in charge of scheduling the OR at a major SoCal hospital (the one Ahnold goes to) and she says that while not every place does, many will have some non-emergency procedures scheduled on the weekends to accommodate people. It's possible that the OP's grandmother's doctor has a block schedule on Saturday.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Sharnita

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #25 on: April 01, 2013, 09:22:59 PM »
If Grandma needs somebody else to drive her, plus a third party to stay with Grandpa, she might ask for a weekend when people are available to help out.

lilblu

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2013, 12:04:35 PM »
Update:

So I wanted to share what happened on Saturday. I also have a few questions about what I did, should have done, and what I will do in the future. Unfortunately, I was never able to make it back to this forum after my last post, so I missed out on what would have been very helpful suggestions.

So I called Grandma Friday night to confirm for Saturday and she told me that she had to go to the grocery store after her appointment to pick up a FEW things for gramps (he's handicapped). Knowing her, that could take an extra hour. She didn't even ask me. She just said that her friend might be able to come over after work if I needed to leave.

When I got there Saturday morning, I told her to call me this time if the appointment was cancelled. I also mentioned how the other day she was gone for 1 1/2 hrs longer than she had told me she would be. She clearly hadn't realized that and asked if I was sure.

To try to make a long story short, my cousin was an absolute pest the entire time I was there. I won't go into detail unless someone really wants to hear about it.

Anyway... I think it was about 2 hrs after they left that the DIL called me saying they're done at the hospital and they were going to go to the grocery store, if that was ok with me. They said they could call someone to come relieve me and I said it wasn't necessary. They said they would be home in 1 hr 45 min, so I said that was fine. So about TWO hours later they called and said they were picking up fast food to eat and wanted to know if I wanted anything. They ended up getting home about 30 minutes later. So what was supposed to take 1 hr 45 min. ended up taking 2 hrs 30 min.

When they came home, they had a mini-van full of groceries after they told me they were just picking up a FEW things. Gee, I'd hate to see what regular grocery shopping looks like.

I didn't get paid and didn't expect to. But they did pay for a burger and fries and they bought me some cookies from the bakery in the grocery store.

Next time I think this is what I'll do. Please let me know if you think it's ok. So in the future, I will "babysit" grandpa for free for however long they want as he is a wonderful person and a pleasure to be around. But if they want me to babysit my cousin, they will have to pay. Here is what I intend to charge: If he behaves himself by my standards, there will be no charge. If however he misbehaves or is a pest, there will be an hourly charge on a sliding scale to be determined after they get home. The scale will range from $8 to $20 per hour. So for three hours, the final charge could be anywhere from $0 to $60. Also, if they are an hour or more late with no justifiable excuse (train, accident, etc.) then there will be an additional $10 fee. So, does that sound good? I'd drop it from $20 to $15, but babysitting Dennis the Menace is a lot of mental anguish and $20 sounds about right for that.

And because I know people are wondering, the reason why I agreed to babysit for them Saturday was because they really don't have someone else who can or will babysit. We could've waited until my cousin was back in school (this week) but that causes a potential transportation problem for me. If I had known or expected him to be such a pest Saturday, I would have waited. One day he's an angel, the next he's Satan.

And I've learned that I need to speak up more. It's just that I don't know how to do that and not come across as being rude. I think it's my tone of voice that I have problems with. I can't keep the irritation and rudeness out of it.

gramma dishes

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2013, 12:23:30 PM »
I think I'd just tell them you can either drive Grandma OR you will be happy to stay with Grandpa, but that you will not babysit Cousin.  I have a sneaking suspicion his mother just really enjoys the pleasure of not having to be around him for a couple of hours.   ;D

Is the child's father not available on Saturdays?  There's no reason his mother can't find other arrangements for him.  If she had to actually pay a sitter by the hour, I'm guessing she'd find a way to get back much MUCH sooner! 

lowspark

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2013, 12:32:45 PM »
I wouldn't do a sliding scale because then you're leaving yourself open to a discussion argument about what constitutes good behavior. Just set a per hour price and a late penalty and leave it at that. Or just say you can't babysit the kid anymore. Period. And I agree with gramma dishes. I'm betting you won't get stuck babysitting him again if you start charging.

But, if they do actually agree to pay you, take the money. Do not hand it back and say "cousin was well behaved so you don't have to pay." If you do, they'll never want to pay.


TootsNYC

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2013, 12:34:57 PM »
I wouldn't make the babysitting charge be contingent on whether he's well behaved or not.

Either charge for him or don't; either babysit him or don't.

I'd say, "He's not well-behaved enough to babysit, so you'll need to find someone else."

And I think you also need to set a rule for yourself (easier to follow if you determine it ahead of time--you can protect yourself from yourself) that they WILL need to get someone to come over and relieve you.

So when they offer it, you accept.

Quote
They said they could call someone to come relieve me and I said it wasn't necessary.

You need to say, "That would be great. I need to get back to my own life."

And you should have said that in the very beginning:

Quote
She just said that her friend might be able to come over after work if I needed to leave.


Say "yes" right way, so Grandma has time to make those arrangements.

When they ask you to grandpa-sit, tell them you need to check with your calendar. Then sit down w/ someone who can be a backbone crutch, and decide when you want to leave. Call back and tell them yes, you can come, but you need to leave at X hour, and they'll need to recruit someone else to come relieve you if they can't be back by that hour.