Author Topic: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?  (Read 10019 times)

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lilblu

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2013, 12:58:39 PM »
Thanks for the advice. It is greatly appreciated. I'm going to learn to grow a backbone AND be polite at the same time even if it kills me. That or I'm going to go crazy and tell everyone off.  ;D

A few things to add:

I hate driving and it gives me anxiety attacks which is why I didn't drive grandma to her appointment. I don't mind driving to grandma's house (on rural backroads), but I hate driving in the city.

The boy's father works his butt off in a crappy job and has very little free time, so he wasn't available and rarely is.

And the mother would never pay for a babysitter (unless she paid me), she would have just taken him to the hospital with them. I suspect that she thinks a babysitter might be more inclined to comment on the boy's bad behavior and the lack of parenting that goes on. She's under the delusion that she can fool and manipulate me into thinking she's a wonderful mother. An example of her wonderful mothering is a typical day's meal for her 9 y/o son: junk food (donuts) for breakfast, followed by candy for lunch, and then cookies for supper, followed by candy for dessert. Sometimes he'll get a small snack of a bologna sandwich or microwaveable macaroni and cheese or something like that. But mostly it's just junk food and candy. Diabetes here we come!

bopper

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2013, 02:32:11 PM »
You can only set boundaries for yourself.  You can't change people's behavior.

I think you can say "In the future, I will be available to sit with Grandpa when you need me too. If cousin is there, it will be $10 an hour because sitting with him is work."

This way they will think about a) leaving cousin with you at all and b) how long they are gone.
Right now they have no incentive to get back sooner.

The TARDIS

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #32 on: April 04, 2013, 09:22:41 PM »
Earlier this week my grandma needed to have a minor procedure done and needed me to "babysit" her handicapped husband (grandpa). Since her daughter-in-law was driving her, she also needed me to babysit her grandson (my cousin). They told me they would be gone about two hours or so at the most.

So three and a half hours later (an extra hour and a half later than what they said) they come home with shopping bags. They told me that the hospital had made a mistake and the procedure couldn't be done there. So my grandma and her daughter-in-law decided to do their Easter shopping without even calling me and telling me about any of this. Then they tell me that the procedure needs to be rescheduled for Saturday and they need me to babysit then, if it was ok with me.

I thought about it and decided that it would be more overall convenient for me to do it Saturday (rather than next week), but I'm a little miffed because my family is off of work this week for spring break and I'm losing an extra day with them because of this. I thought it was incredibly inconsiderate for them to just go shopping without even calling me first and asking if that was ok condidering that they would need me to babysit Saturday. I would have preferred for them to just come right home instead of going shopping so that I could spend more time with my family. They could have gone shopping another day.

Is it me or were they inconsiderate? I mean, they didn't even acknowledge or apologize for the inconvenience. I'm not even getting paid for any of this (and I never expected to). If I were getting paid, this might all be a different story. And some of my issue is that my cousin is prone to being kind of naughty and I hate dealing with naughty kids. I got lucky with his behavior the other day, but I might not be so lucky Saturday. So I'm just wondering if they should have called me as soon as they knew the procedure couldn't be done that day? Were they inconsiderate? I'm going to tell them Saturday that if the procedure gets cancelled again, that I expect them to come straight home unless they plan on compensating me for my wasted time. Or is that rude?


That would be grounds for me to say "Sorry, I'm busy that day." Because how can I trust them not to claim another medical issue and use me as free babysitting while they shop and later say "oh, the schedule was wrong, haha!" I would be very cross indeed! I'm a busy box with all my time traveling, and I don't like my time wasted! (It was difficult enough keeping the Ponds out of trouble, hmph!)

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Take2

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #33 on: April 07, 2013, 02:57:13 PM »
I actually wouldn't call the kid a problem to his mother. Say that for you to babysit cousin again, the fee will be $12 an hour, and that you have to charge that premium because he just doesn't seem to respect your authority and that causes a very stressful time.

By the way, he is NINE? I was imagining a 3 or 4yo child. Watching a nine-year-old ought to be a breeze! I have had a babysitter for my little kids when my stepson who is 9 was there (not quite old enough to leave unattended and certainly not old enough to watch 2 preschoolers)...and the babysitter refused extra money for the 9yo because he made his own snacks and cleaned up, entertained himself, and she never really saw him.

*inviteseller

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #34 on: April 07, 2013, 05:13:03 PM »
Before I decide about what to say to your aunt about babysitting, I think I need to know this kids behavior (basic).  I think charging up to $20 an hour is really exorbitant, but with out knowing what this kid does, I can't say if that is the right or wrong way to go.  Also, keep in mind, the child is a product of his environment, so you may be the one who can stand up and help this child learn some proper behavior and nutrition. 

johelenc1

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #35 on: April 07, 2013, 10:09:51 PM »
I think charging on a sliding scale is a horrible idea.  I can't even fathom how that would work.  It's also hard for me to understand explaining that you are charging "only" for your cousin and not for being there with Grandpa.  It's going to look like you are expecting them to pay you for helping with your own grandfather for a few hours. 

I think you just need to refuse to watch your cousin.  Simply say you would be delighted to spend time with Grandpa, but you are NOT going to have cousin there.  You simply are NOT.  What his mother does with him is not your problem.  If she asks why, tell her exactly why.

I have to say though, that I have rarely seen a 9 year old (ok - never) or pretty much any child that if given the chance wouldn't just sit in front of the tv for 3 hours straight.  If Gma/Gpa don't have the right kid's channels, there are always movies.  Is it a great way to babysit?  No.  But, in a pinch, for one afternoon in a blue moon - who cares if he watches tv for 3 or 4 hours.  If Mom doesn't want her son to do this...then again, she can find another option somewhere else.  Parking the kid on front of the tv would probably be the only why I would agree to allow him to be there why I was with Grandpa.

Now, if this kid won't watch tv... then he's either extraordinary for his age, or ridiculously hyper-active.  If his diet truly his junk food and candy, I would bet on the latter.   In that case, I kind of feel a little sorry for him.  His sugars, energy and mood may be all over the place and he may not have as much control over his behavior as you might think.

cicero

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #36 on: April 08, 2013, 04:35:30 AM »
lilblu, unless your grandma is usually a toxic person, i think you need to take a deep breath, and cut her a little slack. (I'll get to the cousin in a minute).

She is currently, if i understand, taking care of a disabled person. that is *very* difficult to do - it means that you lose your own freedom, your own *life*, and you are constantly dealing with *another person's problems*. it's not an easy thing to do - and when it goes on for a long time, it can become difficult for the caregiver.

Now she has a medical issue of her own. I don't know if it is something simple like an ingrown toe nail or somethign more complex and scary, but - she needed a hand.

and maybe she did take advantage of the fact that she *could* do a little extra shopping - but really, you are talking about an extra 45 minutes here. when an elderly person has to run a few errands (and maybe catch her breath), do you really want to be sitting there with a stop watch when they run a little over time? and she *told* you that they could call someone if you want - if you *really* couldn't/didn't want to sit there any longer, you should have told her to do that.

I think you should think about this from her point of view. If you can't do this and help her, then don't do it. but if you can - then maybe stop timing her outings, and maybe even start offering her to sit with granpa once a week or twice a month - yes, so she can go shopping or have a cup of coffee without worrying.

as for your cousin - simply say no. say that you are happy to sit with granpa but you cannot babysit anymore.

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sparksals

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #37 on: April 08, 2013, 05:09:30 AM »
On Saturday? Twice?

That sets off my hinky meter.

I don't know about the rest of the world, but I have never had any surgical procedure - and I have had 5 outpatient ones in the last year and a half - scheduled on a Saturday. Like the rest of the world, my various doctors take weekends off, except for emergencies. Since Grandma's procedure was re-scheduled for a week later, it's not an emergency.

If it happened around here (Colorado, USA), I would look at those shopping bags, and be sure they had taken advantage of me. I would not fall for it a second time.

Doctors are service providers. Plenty of people such as myself, absolutely will not deal with any Dr who does not offer weekend and evening hours. Period. As such I know of almost no Dr's who do not offer weekend and evening hours. And once you add hospitals into the equation - well sick people don't get sick on convenient M-F, 9-5 schedules, so Dr's must be available 24/7/365 in hospitals. Procedures on a Saturday are extraordinarily common - I would guess they are in fact the most popular day for most people.

Ihave never had a doc that works weekends or off hours unless they are a surgeon or attached to a hospital. 

My GP, gynie, etc have office hours up until about 8 pm, but not Saturday. I wouldnt expect either of them to be available on weekends, that is what Urgent Care or the ER is for.

Now my recent surgeon?  That is a different story.  I had to go to the ER after I went home from surgery and they called him about my case. He happened to be the on call neuro that night.   

lkdrymom

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #38 on: April 08, 2013, 06:46:33 AM »

and maybe she did take advantage of the fact that she *could* do a little extra shopping - but really, you are talking about an extra 45 minutes here. when an elderly person has to run a few errands (and maybe catch her breath), do you really want to be sitting there with a stop watch when they run a little over time? and she *told* you that they could call someone if you want - if you *really* couldn't/didn't want to sit there any longer, you should have told her to do that.

I think you should think about this from her point of view. If you can't do this and help her, then don't do it. but if you can - then maybe stop timing her outings, and maybe even start offering her to sit with granpa once a week or twice a month - yes, so she can go shopping or have a cup of coffee without worrying.



Just because she is elderly or dealing with alot does not make this any less rude.  She never asked if taking an extra hour was ok, she just assumed.  What if the OP had another appointment or responcibility that she had to get to?  Does her need for shopping trump that? And on top of this now the OP is on the hook for another day of grandpa sitting.  I have to admit I am a bit sensitive to this topic as I have an elderly parent who sometimes tries to take advantage of my help. I offer to take off time from work to get him to the doctor and as soon as the appointment is over he wants to take on lunch and a shopping trip.  I did not sign up for that, I said I could take him to the doctor...that was all I agreed to.

cicero

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #39 on: April 08, 2013, 06:59:12 AM »

and maybe she did take advantage of the fact that she *could* do a little extra shopping - but really, you are talking about an extra 45 minutes here. when an elderly person has to run a few errands (and maybe catch her breath), do you really want to be sitting there with a stop watch when they run a little over time? and she *told* you that they could call someone if you want - if you *really* couldn't/didn't want to sit there any longer, you should have told her to do that.

I think you should think about this from her point of view. If you can't do this and help her, then don't do it. but if you can - then maybe stop timing her outings, and maybe even start offering her to sit with granpa once a week or twice a month - yes, so she can go shopping or have a cup of coffee without worrying.



Just because she is elderly or dealing with alot does not make this any less rude.  She never asked if taking an extra hour was ok, she just assumed.  What if the OP had another appointment or responcibility that she had to get to?  Does her need for shopping trump that? And on top of this now the OP is on the hook for another day of grandpa sitting.  I have to admit I am a bit sensitive to this topic as I have an elderly parent who sometimes tries to take advantage of my help. I offer to take off time from work to get him to the doctor and as soon as the appointment is over he wants to take on lunch and a shopping trip.  I did not sign up for that, I said I could take him to the doctor...that was all I agreed to.
No, it doesn't make it less rude

But if it were me, i would cut her some slack. it's not the OP's fault or responsibility, but these are her grandparents.

and as i said in the beginning of my post - "unless your grandma is usually a toxic person..." because that is what i think.

and it's also important to note that the grandma told the OP that she will send someone to relieve her and the OP said no. the OP also said that grandma
When I got there Saturday morning, I told her to call me this time if the appointment was cancelled. I also mentioned how the other day she was gone for 1 1/2 hrs longer than she had told me she would be. She clearly hadn't realized that and asked if I was sure.


I still think that OP, if she can, should continue to help her grandma, outlining her boundaries when she needs to ("I can stay until X o'clock", "I won't be able to watch Child", "I can come on saturday but not wednesday" etc)

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Roe

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #40 on: April 08, 2013, 07:29:05 AM »
Help her grandparents...sure!  Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean she needs to watch a 9 year old (really, a NINE year old still acting like that?! boggles my mind) that completely wipes her energy.  His mom can take him with her. 

sammycat

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #41 on: April 08, 2013, 08:33:53 AM »
Help her grandparents...sure!  Absolutely.  But that doesn't mean she needs to watch a 9 year old (really, a NINE year old still acting like that?! boggles my mind) that completely wipes her energy.  His mom can take him with her.

I agree. Unless the grandparents are toxic (and OP hasn't indicated that this is the case), I'd be fine with staying with grandpa for a few hours whilst grandma went out.

If for some reason OP does end up babysitting cousin, charge a flat fee for doing so every time, not a sliding scale.  Even if he is well behaved there's still the waiting and wondering to see if he'll flip into Satan-mode the next moment, which on its own can be very stressful.

I'm wondering if the extended trips are more about aunt wanting to get away from cousin, moreso than grandma wanting time away from grandpa.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2013, 08:36:48 AM by sammycat »

lady_disdain

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #42 on: April 08, 2013, 09:40:33 AM »

and maybe she did take advantage of the fact that she *could* do a little extra shopping - but really, you are talking about an extra 45 minutes here. when an elderly person has to run a few errands (and maybe catch her breath), do you really want to be sitting there with a stop watch when they run a little over time? and she *told* you that they could call someone if you want - if you *really* couldn't/didn't want to sit there any longer, you should have told her to do that.

I think you should think about this from her point of view. If you can't do this and help her, then don't do it. but if you can - then maybe stop timing her outings, and maybe even start offering her to sit with granpa once a week or twice a month - yes, so she can go shopping or have a cup of coffee without worrying.


Just because she is elderly or dealing with alot does not make this any less rude.  She never asked if taking an extra hour was ok, she just assumed.  What if the OP had another appointment or responcibility that she had to get to?  Does her need for shopping trump that? And on top of this now the OP is on the hook for another day of grandpa sitting.  I have to admit I am a bit sensitive to this topic as I have an elderly parent who sometimes tries to take advantage of my help. I offer to take off time from work to get him to the doctor and as soon as the appointment is over he wants to take on lunch and a shopping trip.  I did not sign up for that, I said I could take him to the doctor...that was all I agreed to.

Would you mind using the regular quote feature and italics or bold for emphasis? That red and black font is terrible to read and it gets replicated by each person that quotes your post.

lkdrymom

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #43 on: April 08, 2013, 12:34:43 PM »
I would if I could figure out how to use it.

artk2002

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Re: Inconvenience not acknowledged - inconsiderate?
« Reply #44 on: April 08, 2013, 12:57:04 PM »
I would if I could figure out how to use it.

There's a button marked "Quote" at the top right of every post. Push that button and you get an editing box with the quote already there. Just make sure you add your text at the very bottom (sometimes it doesn't scroll all the way down at the start); failing to do that may put your text in the middle of someone else's quote.
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