Author Topic: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37  (Read 18928 times)

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KimodoDragon

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Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37
« on: March 29, 2013, 11:26:53 AM »
Back in 2009, I had an account with an online dating website.  I didn’t take it seriously to hook up with anyone for love and marriage as my account was set to pen pal when I signed up.  The experience was fun for the most part, emailing and online chatting with new people from all over.  One guy, though, was hard to shake.  He was the type that would inundate with emails, chat requests and flirts.  The picture on his page was of him sitting at his computer, sans shirt, blowing a kiss to the screen with lipstick on and holding a “toy”.  He sent me a chat request asking for a full body picture of myself.  My response was “no, not interested in all that, take care”.  That brought on a barrage of inflammatory emails about misusing the website if I am not serious about hooking up.  Yeah, that’s why I marked my account pen pals only.  I reported this guy to the webmaster, but his account remained active.  In the girls only chat room, this guy had a reputation for being aggressive, combative when rebuffed and having a weird vibe.  One lady in the chat room actually met up with him for drinks one night and had to literally run from him when he exposed himself to her.  About a year later, I closed that account.

Fast forward to 2013.  I volunteer on Saturdays with a group who sorts through clothes and ready them for thrift store sale.  We work in pairs and Amber and I always work together.  We are not close friends, but are acquaintances.  Last Saturday, the day was winding down and everyone moved toward the front of the store to prepare to lock up and leave.  Amber was staring out the door saying she was waiting for her ride.  It was a guy she met online a month ago and today they were going to lunch for the first time.  She asked that I stay with her until he arrives.  My first thought was she is getting in a car with a guy she is meeting for the first time, from online.  I asked her was she sure she wanted to do this citing this was her first time meeting him and the potential hazards that could come from it.  She said yes, firmly.  So I didn’t say anything further.

While there were still a few other workers in the parking lot, a car with black-tinted windows pulls up at the far end.  The guy gets out, Amber waves and he walks over.  Yup – it’s him.  I. Could. Not. Believe. It.  He looked the same.  She introduced us, but he grunted and never made eye contact.  He’s never seen me before, so I wasn’t concerned about me.  I was concerned about her.  Before I could say anything, she said goodbye, took his hand, walked back to his car and they pulled off.

If I see Amber tomorrow at the thrift store, should I say anything?  I gotta tell you, I worried all week about her.  I emailed her on Monday and Thursday, but received no response.
« Last Edit: May 29, 2013, 03:33:06 PM by KimodoDragon »

Redwing

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2013, 11:49:13 AM »
Well, yes, I do think so.  It's not like you're rumor-mongering.  Tell her of your own experience with the guy.  He sounds rather creepy to put it mildly.  You don't want to have 20-20 hindsight and say, "If I had only said something..."

gramma dishes

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2013, 12:14:54 PM »
...  I emailed her on Monday and Thursday, but received no response.   ...

This is concerning.

I don't really know what you could have done to stop her from leaving other than pretending to have a really serious emergency situation that would absolutely REQUIRE her to accompany you back inside the store -- alone -- for a couple of minutes and of course, we never think of doing things like that when we've been completely taken by surprise as you were in this instance.

Hopefully she'll show up at her usual time tomorrow.  Maybe I'd wait and see if SHE mentions how her lunch date went.  If she does not, I don't know whether I'd say anything or not.  Even if she does (and it's negative) I'm not sure I would.  If she thought you knew and didn't warn her, that might be a little awkward. 

Maybe you could just say, "You know, after you left I kept thinking I'd seen his face somewhere before and even his name sounded familiar but I just couldn't immediately place it.  Right after you left, I remembered where I'd seen that face and heard that name."  And then see if she wants to hear your story.

Although you describe HIS picture on the website, you didn't mention whether or not there was one of you (at the time) or whether or not he knew your name.   Was there anything in her introduction of you that might have clued him in that you had had some previous "experience" with him?  If he did recognize your name or face, he may have filled her with stories about how you chased him unmercifully and he had had to 'let you go', so it was awkward seeing you "again".  You never know what these types will come up with.


SamiHami

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2013, 12:20:21 PM »
Most definitely talk to her about this guy. You have important information that might well affect her safety; it would be negligent to not share it. After that, if she says, "Meh, I still like him" that's on her. But you should definitely arm her with your information about the guy.

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Auntie Mame

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2013, 12:30:07 PM »
Yes, yes, yes by all means say something.  I recently warned a friend about a predator type guy.  We were at a party where she met him for the first time and i saw him lock targets on her and start flirting aggressively.  Later I pulled her aside away from anyone and warned her that this guy boundary stomping jerk who's been alienating women left ride and sideways, including me.  She was very, very grateful for the warning.
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cicero

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2013, 01:06:49 PM »
yes!

if she continues to see him, that's on her.

if the tables were turned, wouldn't you want to know?

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ilrag

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2013, 01:13:56 PM »
Quote
One lady in the chat room actually met up with him for drinks one night and had to literally run from him when he exposed himself to her.  About a year later, I closed that account.

At the very least you should make her aware of this story.

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 01:55:31 PM »
Yes!  Yes you should tell her.  This is one of those times where safety trumps etiquette.  If she continues to see him after, that's on her, but you definitely don't want hindsight, especially if something bad happens to her.
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doodlemor

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2013, 02:37:55 PM »
I agree with the PP that you should clue her in.  This guy sounds like a predator.

Hopefully, Amber turned up today to help you sort clothes.  If she didn't, and no one has heard from her,  I  think that you probably should ask the police to do a welfare check on her.  This may seem a bit precipitate, but it is their job to do things like this.

I don't know how often you email each other.  If this is a regular thing then the lack of response to your two emails seems ominous.

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KimodoDragon

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2013, 08:39:04 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.


Cz. Burrito

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #10 on: April 01, 2013, 09:21:27 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

SiotehCat

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2013, 09:29:02 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

Well, the OP only says they are planning it. That doesn't mean they will be going next weekend.

But also, its been 4 years since the OP knew him. A lot could have happened during that time and this man might not be the same man.

I think its good that the OP told Amber what she knew, but now its on Amber.

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2013, 09:46:56 AM »
At some point, people will not learn if you tell them. They'll only learn by experience.

And some women don't object to behaviour that would set most other women running. I had a roommate once who enjoyed getting obscene phonecalls, and was disappointed (and puzzled) when they never called back. It takes all kinds, I suppose.
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bah12

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #13 on: April 01, 2013, 10:40:21 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

Well, the OP only says they are planning it. That doesn't mean they will be going next weekend.

But also, its been 4 years since the OP knew him. A lot could have happened during that time and this man might not be the same man.

I think its good that the OP told Amber what she knew, but now its on Amber.

I agree.  I think the OP was good to tell Amber about her past experience with this guy.  But, keep in mind that people can change and mature a lot in 4 years.  It's very possible he is not the same person (at least when it comes to his playboy/aggressive ways). 

That being said, Amber now has some backstory and can look for red flags that may indicate that he's not changed (maybe just got better at the 'game').  The OP has done all she can.  Amber is an adult and proceeds from here on her own.

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2013, 12:50:58 AM »
I had a roommate once who enjoyed getting obscene phonecalls, and was disappointed (and puzzled) when they never called back. It takes all kinds, I suppose.

Those are kind of fun! I like to think of it as a reverse prank call... the would-be pervy person on the other line gets creeped out if you play along! Although, 9 times out of 10 I have known who was making the dumb call in the first place. Hooray for call ID!
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