Author Topic: Should I Say Anything? Amber Surfaces Post #37  (Read 20920 times)

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Erich L-ster

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #15 on: April 02, 2013, 01:29:32 AM »
If the guy's old creepy posts/photos/profile are still up online you could ask her if she'd want to see them and forward her the links.

Iris

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #16 on: April 02, 2013, 02:46:43 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.
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sweetonsno

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #17 on: April 02, 2013, 04:28:54 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.

I do think that KimodoDragon has done her duty in terms of giving a heads-up. However, if Amber mentions that the weekend trip is coming up soon, I think it would be acceptable to get some extra information. Where is the cabin, when is Amber supposed to get there/return, is there a contact number if there's some sort of emergency? I don't think that would be overstepping so long as KimodoDragon can avoid implying that she suspects that The Guy has nefarious intentions.


wolfie

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Re: Should I Say Anything?
« Reply #18 on: April 02, 2013, 10:17:54 AM »
OP here,

Thankfully, Amber did show up Saturday for our volunteer work.  I waited until after our shift and told her about the guy.  As I was telling her the story, she seemed concerned and even thanked me for telling her.  She said their lunch date went well and she really likes his "quirky ways".  She also mentioned she will "keep an eye out" for any suspicious behavior from him.  They are planning a weekend trip to what he says is his family cabin.

This seems awfully soon for a weekend trip...  ???

I'm with you, but Amber is an adult so KimodoDragon has done all she can. Personally even being invited on a weekend trip - to a family cabin, no less - within days of meeting someone would set red flags waving like mad, though.

I do think that KimodoDragon has done her duty in terms of giving a heads-up. However, if Amber mentions that the weekend trip is coming up soon, I think it would be acceptable to get some extra information. Where is the cabin, when is Amber supposed to get there/return, is there a contact number if there's some sort of emergency? I don't think that would be overstepping so long as KimodoDragon can avoid implying that she suspects that The Guy has nefarious intentions.

This would only be acceptable if KimodoDragon has a relationship outside of volunteering with Amber. Information like that is for close friends and family. If someone I volunteered with asked me those questions I would be taking a big step back from them and there is no way I would ever even consider answering.

Gyburc

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #19 on: April 02, 2013, 12:05:28 PM »
I have to agree. Kimododragon, you did the right thing by warning Amber, but now you should definitely step back and let her get on with the relationship - unless of course you have absolutely solid reasons to believe that he is endangering her in some way.
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KimodoDragon

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #20 on: April 02, 2013, 01:01:40 PM »
OP here.

Yes, I am standing down about Amber.  We do volunteer work together, but do not socialize outside of that.  I gave her information she should know and she took it.  What she does now about the guy is her decision.

I just hope to continue seeing her every Saturday and she is well.

KimodoDragon

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #9
« Reply #21 on: April 08, 2013, 08:38:55 AM »
Hello All,

I worked with Amber this past Saturday at our volunteer job.  She seemed a bit distant.  I asked her how was her week, she answered "fine".  I asked her where were the price tags for our sorted items, she answered "in back".  I got the hint, so I didn't say anything else to her for the rest of our shift.  I figured if she felt like chatting like we normally would, she could initiate.  During the lunch break, I grabbed a sandwich, my Kindle and sat at a table.  Amber sat nearby with a couple other workers.  I overhear her say, "You know when you are in a successful relationship after such a short time, there will be people who are doubtful, jealous and envious and will try to tear you down.  I stay away from people like that".  I did not look up her way nor did I say anything to her.  I don't even know if she was referring to me, but I am not vested enough to care. 

After the shift was over, all workers are going to their cars and I see Amber standing at the edge of the parking lot.  As I pass, I wave, she turns her back.  Oh well. 

As I mentioned before, we are not friends, just acquaintances who do this volunteer work on Saturdays.  It wouldn't be a loss if she just stopped interacting with me altogether.  BUT, we are partnered to work together.  Would it be rude to ask for another partner?  Or, since she has started to act differently toward me, should I just wait until she asks to be partnered with someone else?  I think she may do this.

Thanks.

Nemesis

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #22 on: April 08, 2013, 09:28:26 AM »
Wow thatis tough. I am really sorry that Amber took it that way. I do notice that people tend to shoot the messenger since it is easier to believe that they are wrong/bad/jealous than it is to believe that themselves are making really bad judgment calls.

You did the right thing. And Amber will take it the way she will. I think as long as you both remain civil and professional, continuing the partnership will be okay. It is Uncomfortable, but should be okay anyway. I would only ask to switch if she starts doing something that sabotages the partnership.

Twik

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #23 on: April 08, 2013, 11:01:33 AM »
Amber reminds me of a roommate of mine. Life, to them, is a great Soap Opera, and they are the female lead. Every man who comes around is Fabio, until the inevitable breakup/assault/infidelity, etc. You have apparently stepped into the supporting role of the False Friend, who tries to sabotage the great romance.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

The upside is, such people have a tendency to land on their feet. Trying to help them before they want help is fruitless, and there is no sense worrying more about them then they worry about themselves.
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FlyingBaconMouse

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #24 on: April 08, 2013, 11:09:19 AM »
Amber reminds me of a roommate of mine. Life, to them, is a great Soap Opera, and they are the female lead. Every man who comes around is Fabio, until the inevitable breakup/assault/infidelity, etc. You have apparently stepped into the supporting role of the False Friend, who tries to sabotage the great romance.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

The upside is, such people have a tendency to land on their feet. Trying to help them before they want help is fruitless, and there is no sense worrying more about them then they worry about themselves.

POD. Amber, at least in this aspect of her life, appears to be a child, and I'd avoid her from now on.

If I really thought someone was plotting against me, I'd be cautious and wait to see what they do next, not blat within earshot about how Some People Don't Understand Love. Sheesh.
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Hillia

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #25 on: April 08, 2013, 11:29:00 AM »
It also sounds suspiciously like an abuser beginning to groom his victim.  No one else understands how special our love is; they're just jealous.  They're trying to break us up and come between us.  I'm the only one you can trust.  She had a chance with me and blew it, now she doesn't want anyone else to have me.

Unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do about it except be ready if/when things blow up.

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gramma dishes

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #26 on: April 08, 2013, 11:34:51 AM »
It also sounds suspiciously like an abuser beginning to groom his victim.  No one else understands how special our love is; they're just jealous.  They're trying to break us up and come between us.  I'm the only one you can trust.  She had a chance with me and blew it, now she doesn't want anyone else to have me.

Unfortunate, but there's nothing you can do about it except be ready if/when things blow up.

This.  Exactly this.  I had started a post saying the same exact thing, and then saw this one.

No doubt she's not the brightest bulb in the box and I'm sure she told him what you said.  He then fed her the classic "Oh, she's just jealous.  She wanted me SO MUCH, but I just wasn't interested in her.  So now she's trying to keep me away from you."  and then on to the rest of Hilia's most accurate post.

By the way.  When this all explodes in her face (and it almost certainly will), don't expect her to come back to you at any time and say "Ya' know what?  You were right!"  She's unlikely to ever admit that and in fact may be quite embarrassed to even see you again because it would be a reminder that she HAD been told.  I'd expect her to drop out of volunteering just to avoid you.

I'd act totally normally around her (the way you would with any acquaintance as opposed to a close friend) and never mention this guy again in any way, shape or form.

DavidH

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #27 on: April 08, 2013, 11:56:14 AM »
He sounds like a piece of work, but it does seems a stretch at this point to decide he's an abuser.  It's been 4 years, people can change.

Assuming Hillia's script is right, he could either be an abuser or just perceptive.  The OP was trying to break them up and come between them.  Yes, she has good intentions, but that doesn't change the basic fact. 

Even the nicest person would not react well to the OP warning the person with whom they are starting dating about them.

I think you have to say, you did what you thought was right and it was going to end one of two ways, either she'd drop him or drop you since there really isn't a likely middle ground.

KimodoDragon

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #28 on: April 08, 2013, 12:45:19 PM »
Yes, the way she acted Saturday led me to believe she mentioned to him what I told her and now he is on a campaign to turn her "against" me.  Or anyone else who might question his intents with Amber.  So, she in turns, shoots the messenger.  It's all very ridiculous.  Amber is inserting drama where none really needs to be.

I will continue doing my volunteer work with or without her.  I would never again mention the guy because I said what I had to say and it's over as far as I'm concerned.  I won't let her actions disrupt my work.  I just hope she doesn't do anything wonky.


Sophia

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Re: Should I Say Anything? Update #21
« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2013, 01:01:11 PM »
She seems to be going very fast even if she hadn't been warned about him.  Holding hands the second they meet face-to-face?  Cabin as the second date?