Spin off to pets as part of the deal....kids as part of the deal

[tiggnduff]

In this age of blended families, how do you feel about the kids as a package deal.  I realize there are many senarios to this as there are custodial parents, non-constodial parents, uninvolved parents etc.

When I started dating my husband I made if very clear that my kids where part of the "package".  All three of them.  Due to circumstances at the time they were mostly living at their dads but seeing me most weekends and one night a week.  I told him many times that circumstances could change at any time and he had to be aware that the kids were part of us being together.

Sure enough 2 years into the relationship we ended up with all of the kids full time and we no longer had all that "single" time together.

I'm sure it was a bit of a shock to his system but I did make him well aware of how I felt and the circumstances.

How do you handle kids being "part of the deal"

[Trisha]

Kids are always part of the package. If I were to have kids with DH, and something happened where I was dating, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who wouldn't accept my kids too.

[jais]

Of course the kids are part of the deal. With BF, I never told him that much.  I decided that if he couldn't figure that out on his own, he wasn't worth it. 

DD asks when we're going to get married so she can call him dad.  He's the one helping put a roof over her head, food in her belly, he drives her to her music lessons, takes her out with her friends, helps her with her homework.  The kids and the man will click on their own, IMHO.

[artk2002]

Absolutely kids are part of the deal.  I wouldn't go near someone who couldn't be comfortable with my sons.  My SO loves them (thank goodness) -- her kids are all adults, but she's willing to go through the teenage years again (I think she's a saint!)  As an aside, I also wouldn't be happy with someone who felt competitive with my ex.  My ex is still a good friend and, because of the boys, we have lots of contact -- jealousy there would kill a relationship.

[maus]

Yes, if the partner has kids they are part of the deal, if you're dating someone with kids expect them to be part of the package.

Having said that, this is why I don't date anyone with kids under 18.  I know my limits and kids quickly push past them on a regular basis.  I know it severely limits my possible dating pool but just as someone won't date people with pets I don't date people with children.

[Shores]

SOs need to accept that kids are part of the deal and the single PARENTS need to make sure that happens. My mother (love her to death, but she's on her 5th marriage) really didn't make that clear to husband #2. I mean, he can't have missed the fact that she had 3 kids running around, but while they were dating, they never really spent time WITH us. Our interaction with him was limited to saying hello when he picked my mother up for a date. One year later they got married and he was thrown into the stepfather role with no time to adjust, and no real experience with us. It was a disaster. He didn't LIKE kids, he don't know how to handle us and he had no desire to be around us. I blame both of them, but my mother really dropped the ball as far as creating a family with her children and her husband. That marriage only lasted a year or so and she was much better about it from then on.

[CatFanatic]

I didn't. I actually met my husband through a dating agency, and one of the questions they ask is if you would be OK meeting people with children. Mr Cat and I had both said a definite 'no'. Neither of us is a kid person and we simply did not want to meet someone with kids. Eventually we met each other   and have agreed that we will not have any together either.

Thing is, its' a point of view that gets widely criticised (I'm not implying that anyone is doing that here), and I just don't get why. I don't like kids. Mr Cat doesn't like kids. Neither of us would be happy dating/married to someone who had children, so why even go there? Certainly it narrowed the options, but we were both willing to live with that. Better not to meet anyone than be miserable and wreck a kid's life in the process. And I would certainly understand if someone had not wanted to date me based on my decision not to be a parent.

Of course you are absolutely justified in saying the opposite - 'kids are part of the deal'. That's good parenting. I don't know that anyone would have a problem with that. I just think there should be complete and utter honesty on both sides. If I had said 'oh, I might have them someday' to a man that wanted kids, that would be so unfair to him. Likewise, I don't think there should be the pressure for anyone to accept kids when they don't want to (nor should the person lie and say they will love them like their own when they really won't). Just admit it and let both people move on!

Everyone has their deal-breakers. For me, one was kids. I have never pretended otherwise. If that meant I never met anyone, I would have lived with that - without complaint.

[sparksals]

Yes, if the partner has kids they are part of the deal, if you're dating someone with kids expect them to be part of the package.

Having said that, this is why I don't date anyone with kids under 18.  I know my limits and kids quickly push past them on a regular basis.  I know it severely limits my possible dating pool but just as someone won't date people with pets I don't date people with children.

This was one of my dealbreakers in dating a guy too.  I knew it limited my dating pool, but I was lucky to meet dh when he was 35, had never been married and no kids.  I lucked out.

relationships are hard enough without having to deal with ex's, kids going back and forth and financial issues related to child support.  It just wasn't something I was willing to deal with. 

I understand those with kids expect them to be part of the deal.  That goes without saying.  However, there are those of us who don't wish to deal with that type of situation.

[ClaireC79]

If you are sure you don't want kids (in any shape or form) in your life/immediate family then by all means avoid parents, however if you start getting involved with someone who has children and you stay involved you have to accept the children.

If my dh and I were to split up then obviously I would want any man I became involved in to accept my 3 children (and I would do the same with any he had - I wouldn't want to be involved with a man who would put a relationship over his children, what if we had children at some point - would he do the same with ours?)

[Venus193]

I never wanted to have children myself, but I would have been able to deal with a divorced, non-custodial father.  Being a weekend stepmother would not have bothered me, provided the children were school age and I didn't have to deal with toilet training or anything like that.

My late mother, when she was in search of a second husband, didn't want anyone who already had children.  I personally thought that this was very selfish of her since she expected this hypothetical man to support me and my brother.  With a non-parent there is always the risk that they will change their minds and want their own children someday and at least a man who already had some would have some concept of what being a father was like.

The point was moot, as she never remarried.

[veryfluffy]

I had a very lucky escape from a relationship, because I didn't really grasp initially how the kids would be part of the deal. When I was about 35 I started seeing someone I'd known when I was much younger after meeting up accidentally in London -- he was living in California, and was separated from his wife. I think the children were about 8 and 6. We had a long distance relationship for about a year, during which time we started to talk about me moving to California, and I started researching job opportunities, etc. Obviously, I assumed that his wife would have custody when they divorced, and he'd see them every other weekend or whatever divorced fathes do. I also assumed that she would get the house and vast majority of their assets and a huge chunk of child support, so we would basically have to be living mainly on my assets and my income. But then I discovered that his assumptions of how we would be living were a little different from mine. I don't like like children, never wanted children, and had absolutely no intention of taking on any kind of step-parent role at all. He imagined I would be involved when he had his visits with the kids, whereas I reckoned he would take them to the zoo or the beach or whatever, and I would have my alone time then...Then he started to talk about how much a house would cost with a bedroom for each kid...What?!? He was expecting to have joint custody and they would be living with us some of the time! There was absolutely no way that was going to happen.

The funny thing was, he also couldn't understand that I not only didn't like kids, but I also was never, not ever, going to have his baby either.

[Chocolate Cake]

If people with children don't make very, very clear to prospective partners that they are a package deal with the children (love me, love my kids), they are neglectful parents who are exposing their children to possible abuse.

I know a woman who is right now dating a guy who has zero interest in kids (she has three).   She actually wants to marry him.   What a dingbat. 

[magicdomino]

I would consider children part of a package deal.  In fact, I wouldn't want somebody who would willingly get rid of the children in some way (leave them with relatives, skip visits).  As it so happens, it is not a package that I want, so I would be reluctant to date someone with children.  But, as the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea.  Both he and I can find someone else and we will both be happier.

[Emmy]

A good parent would have their kids as part of the package.  However, kids was a deal breaker for me when I was single.  It was not that I don't like kids, but I wasn't ready for them plus with step-kids there are often issues such as the children disliking the fact that dad is getting re-married and resenting their step-mom.  I most certainly didn't want to deal with that.  While I was single, I browsed online profiles and many parents stated 'their kids will always be #1'.  Don't get me wrong, kids should hold a #1 spot in a parents life (along with their spouse).  However some parents make it seem like the kids will always be #1 while a new spouse will be #2, personally I wouldn't be happy committing my life to somebody and always being less important/loved then their children.

I used to chat with a man with three children and he was amazed at how many women with children wanted only a man with no children.  It seemed pretty hypocritical that somebody who expected a man to accept her children was unwilling to do the same.

[melodrama]

I've mentioned this before on this board, so pardon the repetition:

I met my BF's kids (5 and 4 at the time) probably two weeks after we started dating.  He felt that we would likely get serious and needed to see how I interacted with the kids right away.  Even though he only has them every other weekend, they are a huge part of his life.  I got the thumbs up after visit #2, when his daughter climbed onto my lap while I read her a kiddie-version of Alice and Wonderland I bought at the dollar store. 

Weekend step-mom is no small job!

There are basketball, softball, soccer and volleyball games.  There are school concerts and plays.  There is the treacherous navigation of social niceties with the ex.  There are family vacations and birthdays and holidays.  None of these things go away just because it's not "Dad's weekend"

We did buy a house with his kids in mind, and I would never consider planning anything in my life without them.  Doesn't mean I don't miss our weekend quiet times.  Doesn't mean I don't sometimes resent getting put on the back burner for kid weekends.  But that's all a part of the package.

These kids are a part of my life now, and that's a choice I had to make before that first visit with them 6 years ago.  I certainly had no idea the scope of what I was in for, but I knew it was a big committment and not one I could make lightly. 

No one should make the choice to get involved in a child's life without a lot of consideration.  And that means making some tough choices when deciding whether you're ready to date someone with a child.  Because you can't separate the two.  Love the daddy, love the kids.