Spin off to pets as part of the deal....kids as part of the deal

[LOPoppet]

I know a woman who is right now dating a guy who has zero interest in kids (she has three).   She actually wants to marry him.   What a dingbat. 

How sad for her.  While I feel like she's probably being ridiculous wanting a man who has no interest in children, obviously he too knows she has them.  So unless she's hiding them in a closet or has never mentioned them, it's obvious he's just biding his time with her until somebody better comes along.  Otherwise, why would he date her knowing that she has children?

[Bibliophile]

I dumped one guy when he told me he had a kid.  But before you filet me, let me explain.  We dated for almost 2 months and during that time there was no mention of a kid.  There were no toys, kids clothes, etc. around his apt.  He was with me most evenings and every weekend.  When did he see the kid?  He said he didn't get along with the mom.  If he had been bragging about the kid earlier, or even said that he wished he could see him more, I would've been fine.  But what happens if I get pregnant?  Same treatment?  Not for me thanks.

I have a DH now, but kids have never been a deal breaker - I love them!

[blarg314]

I would be very hesitant about dating someone with kids casually, and would be very careful about meeting the kids.  I would also be wary of someone who wanted me to instantly bond with the kids very early.  First I would want to make sure that I had a genuine connection with the guy, and that the relationship was promising, before starting to mix with the family, as I think having an every changing selection of romantic partners cycling through the kids lives is really hard on the kids, particularly young ones.

Basically, getting into or out of a relationship with someone with kids takes more thought and effort than someone without kids, as there are more than two people involved.

[Fabrashamx]

For sure kids are part of the deal, I had three different stepmothers after my parents divorced, and 2 of them had no kids and were okay around us, but one had 2 of her own and she hated us. One thanksgiving my brothers and sister and I were sitting in the family room and heard her say to our dad, 'I'm not feeding those effing brats'. Dad said 'those are my kids, and if you wont treat them like family, I'm not staying either.'

 She let us stay but she never really came around. Once my dad spent quite a bit of money winning me a stuffed dog at a carnival, and she didnt speak to him all night.

 Before I was married, I dated a man with a child, and while I knew I would never be this girls mother, I went out of my way to encourage her to get alone time with her daddy and to include her in our plans whenever possible.

 My sister had a step daughter, and on Christmas and birthdays we always gave her just as much as the blood neice and nephew got. Kids are part of who your signifigant other is, and must be not only tolerated, but embraced. even if they don't like you, even if the ex is a horrible person who has done everything in their power to ensure their child will treat anyone dating their mom/dad like public enemy #1.

 I remember how much it hurt, I knew my stepmom would have been happy if us kids would drop off the face of the earth.


PS~ This is not to say I don't support people who consider kids a deal breaker, I think that its great that you know what you want, and theres nothing in the world wrong with that. The idea in our grandparents generation that everyone had kids led to a lot of very unhappy people who never wanted to be parents and very unhappy children growing up with that.

[smileyd]

I would say that 95% of the time they are part of the deal. If the parent has any rights or contact with the kids, then they will become part of your life if you choose to stay in that relationship. Even a "weekend dad/mom" could turn into a full-time parent if something happens to their ex-partner (i.e. death, illness, loss of job, etc...). Personally, I lived with my mom - full-time - dad for summers since he lived out of state, but then some years later it was reversed when my mom got cancer and later passed away    My dad was now the full-time parent.

But on the other hand, my DH never had any contact with his dad after his parents got divorced. He basically disowned them all. Even though I'm not a huge fan of kids, I'd much rather date a full-time parent than someone who refuses to acknowledge their own flesh and blood.

[Venus193]

The idea in our grandparents generation that everyone had kids led to a lot of very unhappy people who never wanted to be parents and very unhappy children growing up with that.

That's exactly what pro-natalists need to remember when they tell CF's that they're being "selfish" or "unnatural."

[blarg314]

Yeah, I think the short answer is that if there are kids in the picture, then kids are part of the package. 

[Dragonflymom]

In my opinion (as a mom which may be biased) if you are dating someone with kids, then kids are part of the package.. I don't think any decent person would abandon their kids for someone they are dating.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating only child-free people if you don't want kids - it is simply a matter of knowing your own priorities in a relationship.

I didn't introduce my daughter to my soon to be husband (less than four months away now, yay! ) til we had been dating for a month and things seemed fairly serious.  Fortunately they hit it off right away, to the point where some acquaintances who had never met me socially outside of my band performances actually thought she was his daughter and not mine.  He has often said that he knew all along she and I would be a package deal, and about half of the time now that we're living together he's the one she wants to have tuck her in at night, even though he makes her clean her room first and I don't.

[CatFanatic]

Just wanted to say that the opinions expressed here have made me feel better about the whole issue of dating/not dating people with kids.

I was talking to a co-worker recently about a radio show here in Australia that discussed this subject. The hosts (jerks, both of them, so I don't know why it bothered me so much) were of the conviction that anyone who wouldn't date people with kids was an absolute monster. We (my co-worker and I) both were of the opinion that it was absolutely fine not to date someone with kids. (We did agree that if you do start dating someone with children then absolutely yes, they are part of the package.) It was frustrating to hear so many people calling up and complaining that 'all the single people don't want to date parents and that's soooooo selfish'. Wouldn't it be more selfish to get involved with that person and treat their kids like crap (as other posters have described)? And what's so selfish about knowing your limits anyway? It takes someone special to be a step-parent. I know I can't be that person. I also was surprised to hear many people with kids talk about how they wanted to date (only) a single person. I mean, why does that person have to accept your children while you won't accept someone else's?

Everyone here has been more than reasonable and fair and seen a different side to the story. That made me feel better about my choice to date only single men (given that Mr Cat is the result of that decision, I already feel great about it, but you KWIM).

[Brentwood]

I never wanted to have children myself, but I would have been able to deal with a divorced, non-custodial father.  Being a weekend stepmother would not have bothered me, provided the children were school age and I didn't have to deal with toilet training or anything like that.

My late mother, when she was in search of a second husband, didn't want anyone who already had children.  I personally thought that this was very selfish of her since she expected this hypothetical man to support me and my brother.  With a non-parent there is always the risk that they will change their minds and want their own children someday and at least a man who already had some would have some concept of what being a father was like.

The point was moot, as she never remarried.

When I was dating as a single mother, I would have considered a man with children, but I actually preferred men without children. Maybe that makes me selfish too, but as I saw it, it was difficult enough dealing with the baggage leftover from my relationship with Kayla's father and having him be a fact of our lives also. I didn't want to add to it by bringing another child and another child's mother and attendant baggage into a relationship.

Fortunately, I met a single man with no children who happily accepted my daughter, and I married him. Our tenth anniversary is on Thursday, and we have two children together also.

Many years before I met him, I briefly belonged to a dating service. I made it abundantly clear in my profile that I had at the time a three-year-old child. I received lots of offers from men who made it clear in their profiles that they did not want to date women with children. That just proved to me that men didn't actually READ the profiles, or they'd have known I was someone's mother.

[Brentwood]

If people with children don't make very, very clear to prospective partners that they are a package deal with the children (love me, love my kids), they are neglectful parents who are exposing their children to possible abuse.

I know a woman who is right now dating a guy who has zero interest in kids (she has three).   She actually wants to marry him.   What a dingbat. 

I can't help but think of women like Diane Downs and Susan Smith.

[Venus193]

I made it abundantly clear in my profile that I had at the time a three-year-old child. I received lots of offers from men who made it clear in their profiles that they did not want to date women with children. That just proved to me that men didn't actually READ the profiles, or they'd have known I was someone's mother.

That's what always drives me nuts about those things.  They either don't read the information or ignore certain key points. 

I can understand not wanting to complicate your life more.  However, my mother was a genetic narcissist who had no desire to deal with any other children.  If she could not have had her own she would never have considered adoption.  Karma's a female dog, because I certainly wasn't the daughter she wanted.   

[snowball's chance]

Whether or not I'd date a man with kids would depend on a lot of factors, does he support his kids emotionally & financially, etc?  If he's not there for his CHILD(REN), why would he ever be there for me?  And I like kids, but I do not want to be with a guy who's looking for someone to be the baby-sitter.  They are HIS kids and should be mostly his responsibility.  Obviously, if we got serious, that's be something else, but I'm thinking of the thread in Family & Children, where the couple has been together for 2 weeks, and the new BF has already become the babysitter for the child all weekend.

Of my guy friends who don't want to date women w/ kids, most have told me they are afraid that women are looking for financial support, and are scared about that extra pressure, but I disagree & tell them that there are plenty of single moms w/o those expectations.

[jais]

Of my guy friends who don't want to date women w/ kids, most have told me they are afraid that women are looking for financial support, and are scared about that extra pressure, but I disagree & tell them that there are plenty of single moms w/o those expectations.

Keep telling them!  That is one of the few things that DEEPLY offends me.  My daughter has a father, MOMMY needs(ed) a MAN!

[snowball's chance]

Of my guy friends who don't want to date women w/ kids, most have told me they are afraid that women are looking for financial support, and are scared about that extra pressure, but I disagree & tell them that there are plenty of single moms w/o those expectations.

Keep telling them!  That is one of the few things that DEEPLY offends me.  My daughter has a father, MOMMY needs(ed) a MAN!

Exactly.  Even if the child's bioligical parent wasn't supporting his child or supporting enough, the mom knows it's not someone else's responsibility to pick up.  Plus, plenty of childless women want finacial support, too, unfortunately.