Spin off to pets as part of the deal....kids as part of the deal

[Lady Espresso]

Kids are part of the package deal. It's a prospective partner's responsibility to be honest with him/herself about thier ability to be with someone with children, and all that goes along with it. And it's a single parent's responsibility to make sure the partner knows what they are getting into. And not just the kids themselves. What's the situation with the ex? Are they in and out of court constantly? Does the parent have a spine where the ex/kids are concerned? That is all vital info that needs to be honestly given to the partner.
And absolutely, if dh and I divorced, and I started dating again, dd and I would be a package deal. And it may be a double standard, but no, I would never date a guy with kids again.

[jais]

And it's a single parent's responsibility to make sure the partner knows what they are getting into.

IMHO, if the potential partner even ASKS, they are not worth your time.

[ccnumber4]

I can deal with a SO having a couple kids easier than I can a psycho ex. 

[UprightCitizen]

Oh man, do I have a story on this topic! 

I met my DH through my AOL personal ad. I had it up for several years and met many interesting folks. Being single and never married/no kids, I created my profile to state that I did not want to date divorced men or men with children. I had to actually put this in the ad, because otherwise, I was just inundated with men IM'ing me with the thought that I would just LOVE to become a Celie to their Mister (a nod to The Color Purple there).

I was raised in a family with married parents, in a neighborhood in a time when single parents were the exception and not the norm. So I had no concept of "blended families" and didn't want to learn. I had already seen through my employment forays, what happens when someone gets involved with a man who has a crazy baby mama or nutty ex-wife. I had no baggage, so the person I wanted to spend my life with shouldn't have any either.

My personal ad also stated that if you wanted to respond, do so intelligently, with spell check and proper grammar. My feeling is that if someone doesn't take the time to write a coherent response, really, what is the probability that they'll take a relationship/marriage seriously?

I got one doozy of a response from a twice married man of two children, who could not spell to save his life. He assured me that his kids were different and that I'm a bitter old hag if I think otherwise, destined to die alone with a dozen cats at my side.

This guy was a loon. He wasn't attractive, wasn't the intellectual type I was seeking, and had kids. And two ex-wives. NEXT!

I informed him via email that he was outside of my dating parameters. This wasn't good enough. He ended up having his 15 y/o daughter IM me and calling me all kinds of names in regard to what a bad person I was because I wouldn't date her dad.  . I contacted AOL and reported them via TOS. I never heard a peep again. Until.....

Last year (about four years after the above mentioned incident) a friend of mine lent me a dvd that another of her friends wanted to borrow. She told me who he was, and gave him my number so he could get directions to my house to get the movie. He calls, and I get subjected to the whiniest, nasally voice I've ever heard, with the sound of a mewling toddler in the background. Whatever. I give him directions and wait for the show.

He walks in, and for someone my age, he looked ten years older (I'm 35). He had on an outdated coat, with an outdated mustache and glasses to match. He also had a lovely muffin-top going on. I, on the other hand, was still in my size 6 skirt from work, and heels. DH sat on the couch, wearing his fleece hoodie.

I invite this yahoo in, offer him a drink, and we chat a bit, as we do have a friend in common.

As we're talking, he's telling me about his business, a dj/karaoke thing. Why does this sound so strangely familiar. Deja vu and all that. THen it hit me. I asked him if he ever had a personal ad on AOL. He said he did. I asked him the screenname, and lo and behold, it's Mr. Divorced with Kids!

I then ask him if he remembers *aolscreenname* and if it rings any bells. He stands up from his chair, points to me, and yells at me, "YOU WOULDN'T DATE GUYS WITH KIDS!" Dh pulls the strings to his hoodie, knowing that this is going to get ugly, but he lets me run with it. I'm a big girl and can handle this just fine.

I then went into the kitchen, where the last remaining printout copy of my absolutely fabulously written personal ad hung on the fridge. I bring it out to him, and ask if anything that I had written on my profile was misleading (like my age, weight, interests, etc. It was very truthfully written, if I say so myself). He agreed that he shouldn't have responded since he didn't fit the criteria. I gave him grief for having his daughter hassle me to the point that I had to contact AOL. The guy was truly shamed. He said, "But but but, I read your ad at the time, and you were soooo perfect for me, but but but but but, you wouldn't date men with kids!"

I replied that just because my profile seemed perfect for HIM, did not mean that he was what I was looking for. I mentioned his poor spelling, and he admitted he was a poor speller. I looked over to my wonderful, and quiet at the time, DH, and said, "HOney, why don't you tell Mr. GetaClue what you "do".:

He replies, dryly, "Uh, I'm a writer." (and my heart goes pitter patter!)

I then ask the guy what the deal is with the toddler I heard on the phone.

"Oh, she's my daughter I have with my girlfriend."

"OH, so, why aren't you guys married if you have a child?"

"Um, I've already been married twice, so I didn't want to go there again."

"Really. Wow. So she's good enough to have s*x with, and have your child, but not good enough to marry. Oh, yea, Mr. Divorced with Kids. I certainly missed out in life by turning you down. Yessirreebob!"

He made a quick exit, in which he forgot his coat and had to come back. I let him know that the chuckling he heard when he left was us laughing at him, not with him.

DH and I still laugh about this. What a marooon.

[Venus193]

That is a doozy of a tale.  What on earth makes anyone respond to personals that don't target them, anyway?

[UprightCitizen]

Venus,
Remember that we had a friend in common. This friend is the sweetest person in the world, and I would hate think that I would want to dis a friend of hers. I called her the next day and she told me how Mr. DWK told her the story. I asked her if he mentioned how his daughter called me a B***h in an IM. He left that particular detail out. Friend's response: "Aye yi yi!"

I've seen DWK at my friend's house on another occasion. He can barely look at me!   

I know what you mean about the "why would you date someone that isn't your target group?" issue. Some of these people did not get that 100 miles away is a long distance relationship. Some were just rude.

What I don't understand about some of the comments in this thread is the remark that "of course, if kids are present, they're part of the package". I find this to be a bit of a common sense thing. I really can't imagine someone pulling a Susan Smith when meeting the man of her dreams, and bumping off her kids in order to date them. I don't think that is the issue. I think the issue is being honest with a prospective mate. You can't keep the kids in the proverbial closet. But some people just really don't want to date people with pre-existing children. Not everyone knows how to handle the problems and unique situations that arise in such an arrangement. I know I'm not.

The ONE time I agreed to date a divorced guy with kids? Yea, he stood me up after I drove thirty miles to meet him at a bar. When I finally borrowed someone's cell to call him, he was in MY area, too drunk to drive to where we were SUPPOSED to meet. A year later, I found myself working for the attorney who handled this guy's divorce case. He shirked my employer for over 2 grand in attorney fees, even after running into my boss at various waterholes (yup. he had all kinds of cash to drink), and boss would buy the guy a drink hoping to mend a fence and guilt the guy into paying... no luck. We had to write the account off as a loss.

[Venus193]

The world is a lot smaller than we think.