Author Topic: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)  (Read 4571 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
My DD (17) had a friend die on Wednesday in a bad way.  We are both reeling from the loss of this sweet wonderful young man.  My DD and I will be going to the memorial tomorrow and I did mention to her that it will probably be a closed casket.  I asked if she knew how or any other information and she said no, because, while she is talking to his sister, she doesn't want to talk details.  My DD did tell me today that she is meeting with another friend who is claiming to have been with this boy and found his body and how upset  he is, and how he is going to tell them all how he did it.  The issue...I know.  In a very bizarre twist of fate, his body was found on the property of the company someone we are very close to.  She actually told me on her way to work that day that she had to rush in because they found a body (she had to be there for this).  A few hours later my DD told me that her friend had sent her a cryptic text the night before then was no longer responding.  About 4 pm, DD got the call confirming her worst fears, and at 7 pm, while talking with other person we put 2 and 2 together and realized the body they found was my DD's friend.  Other person and I decided to NOT say a word to DD unless she brought it up to us, but now, with rumors flying and people trying to get attention from this (really??  who does this???) should we sit her down and tell her what we know or should we just wait until she inevitably finds out the truth, thus possibly having her get mad because we didn't tell her what we knew.   

NyaChan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3943
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2013, 05:41:04 PM »
I would probably sit her down to have a discussion about how this is going to be a very hard time for the family and while it is human nature to be curious and people are going to be gossiping, at this time it is best to focus on grieving and remembering this young man rather than speculating on the circumstances of his death.   I think one of the best things people can do for the family right now is to try to dampen down all the rumors and flying around - i.e. change the subject when people try to get attention from it or gossip.

JeseC

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2013, 05:42:04 PM »
It sounds to me like she's already indicated that she doesn't want to hear details.  The most I would do is say "I heard what happened from a friend.  I can tell you if you'd like."

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5351
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2013, 05:43:27 PM »
At 17, I would say "Hon unfortunately I know how your friend died, as my friend owns the property where he was found. Neither of us realized this was your friend when she was telling me but I've put two and two together. I wasn't going to bring it up but I've heard some rumors that are untrue. If you want to know what really happened I'm here for you and we can talk about it."

I'm so sorry for the loss of this young man. Big hugs to you all.

MrTango

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2041
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2013, 05:46:56 PM »
Fifteen years ago, when I was in 10th grade, my best friend committed suicide. My dad told me right away when he found out and he gave me details as he got them. I really appreciated it, and it helped me prepare to see his body at the funeral.

My suggestion would be to ask your DD if she wants to talk about it and go from there.

reflection5

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 436
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2013, 05:48:43 PM »
At 17, I would say "Hon unfortunately I know how your friend died, as my friend owns the property where he was found. Neither of us realized this was your friend when she was telling me but I've put two and two together. I wasn't going to bring it up but I've heard some rumors that are untrue. If you want to know what really happened I'm here for you and we can talk about it."

I'm so sorry for the loss of this young man. Big hugs to you all.

I like this reply.

 :(  How awful.  Hugs to friends and family of that poor young man.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21245
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2013, 05:50:19 PM »
I'm not sure it is inevitable she will learn the truth because there is gossip, and versions of the story circulating.  I think that I would tell her you have learned what happened and will answer questions if she has them but also reassure her that it is all right if she does not take an interest in the details.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2013, 05:59:42 PM »
JenJay...that is awesome.  Before I knew that the body found was the boy, I did tell her to watch because when people commit suicide, rumors fly faster than anything.  I told her the only people who know the truth will be the family and she should not repeat anything she hears to them.  I think she would be comforted that everything was done at the scene so respectfully...the detective knelt down to him, put a hand on his shoulder  and said "Godspeed ____, may you find the peace that you needed." and that others there were bowing their heads. 

And Sharnita...she wants to know...but she doesn't want to know.  And because I know, it is keeping me awake and because she battles the same mental health issues as this boy I am scared for her.

ladyknight1

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5268
  • Operating the logic hammer since 1987.
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2013, 06:02:47 PM »
Be there, as a supportive mom and a shoulder to cry on. Let her come to you if she wants to know more. I am sorry for your daughter and communities loss.

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5351
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2013, 06:07:35 PM »
Offer to write it down for her and she can choose to read it if/when she is ready? I have a 12yo DD and she's written me notes about things she wasn't ready to discuss face to face. Unless of course you're concerned she'd read it all alone and not be able to handle the details. I imagine once the rumors settle and she's had time to process this she'll be more likely to come to you and need to talk.

Iris

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3866
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2013, 06:19:06 PM »
You didnn't ask for them but {{{hugs}}} for you and your daughter.

Someone I cared about died unexpectedly quite recently. I do know exactly what happened because I happened to be there when someone needed to tell the story. I honestly couldn't tell you if that has helped or not - she's still gone etc etc. I think JenJay's idea of gently letting her know that you know and taking her lead from there is the best.

I might even add f it helps, friend said that he has been treated with the utmost respect and compassion from the moment they found him". To me that is the most important part of the story - that these official strangers who had to do their official 'stuff' with someone you care about had the compassion and humanity to care,  even and especially when there was noone there that (they knew) knew him. That's expressed badly, sorry, but I hope you can see what I mean. I know that would have comforted me.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2013, 06:29:06 PM »
I know what you mean Iris.   My problem is, even telling her about the compassion and respect shown, the way it was done might be too much because it is the stuff of my nightmares right now.  I am going to see how it goes tomorrow and see what questions she may have after. 

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21245
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2013, 06:42:39 PM »
Does your DD have a doctor/therapist you can ask for advice?

JenJay

  • I'm a nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5351
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2013, 06:45:15 PM »
I know what you mean Iris.   My problem is, even telling her about the compassion and respect shown, the way it was done might be too much because it is the stuff of my nightmares right now.  I am going to see how it goes tomorrow and see what questions she may have after.

 :(

It sounds like you feel not telling her is like keeping it from her, but at the same time you want to protect her from it. My heart breaks for his friends and family!

What about "DD, I need you to know that the rumors you're hearing are not true. I know what happened because YourFriend owns the property so the police contacted her. I think knowing the details would only hurt you right now, and it would take the focus off HerFriend's life and put the spotlight on his death. I want you to love and remember him the way you knew him. Someday, when you're ready, if you want to know, I will tell you the truth of what happened that night, but let's wait a while. What do you think?"

GreenEyedHawk

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1765
  • Not hot but SPICY
    • My Facebook.  Feel free to add me!
Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2013, 06:51:06 PM »
It's always tragic when anyone takes their own life.  My deepest sympathies to the young man's family and to your DD for the loss of a friend.


I don't have much to say that hasn't already been said, but I really like JenJay's wording.
"After all this time?"
"Always."