General Etiquette > general

To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)

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My DD (17) had a friend die on Wednesday in a bad way.  We are both reeling from the loss of this sweet wonderful young man.  My DD and I will be going to the memorial tomorrow and I did mention to her that it will probably be a closed casket.  I asked if she knew how or any other information and she said no, because, while she is talking to his sister, she doesn't want to talk details.  My DD did tell me today that she is meeting with another friend who is claiming to have been with this boy and found his body and how upset  he is, and how he is going to tell them all how he did it.  The issue...I know.  In a very bizarre twist of fate, his body was found on the property of the company someone we are very close to.  She actually told me on her way to work that day that she had to rush in because they found a body (she had to be there for this).  A few hours later my DD told me that her friend had sent her a cryptic text the night before then was no longer responding.  About 4 pm, DD got the call confirming her worst fears, and at 7 pm, while talking with other person we put 2 and 2 together and realized the body they found was my DD's friend.  Other person and I decided to NOT say a word to DD unless she brought it up to us, but now, with rumors flying and people trying to get attention from this (really??  who does this???) should we sit her down and tell her what we know or should we just wait until she inevitably finds out the truth, thus possibly having her get mad because we didn't tell her what we knew.   

I would probably sit her down to have a discussion about how this is going to be a very hard time for the family and while it is human nature to be curious and people are going to be gossiping, at this time it is best to focus on grieving and remembering this young man rather than speculating on the circumstances of his death.   I think one of the best things people can do for the family right now is to try to dampen down all the rumors and flying around - i.e. change the subject when people try to get attention from it or gossip.

It sounds to me like she's already indicated that she doesn't want to hear details.  The most I would do is say "I heard what happened from a friend.  I can tell you if you'd like."

At 17, I would say "Hon unfortunately I know how your friend died, as my friend owns the property where he was found. Neither of us realized this was your friend when she was telling me but I've put two and two together. I wasn't going to bring it up but I've heard some rumors that are untrue. If you want to know what really happened I'm here for you and we can talk about it."

I'm so sorry for the loss of this young man. Big hugs to you all.

Fifteen years ago, when I was in 10th grade, my best friend committed suicide. My dad told me right away when he found out and he gave me details as he got them. I really appreciated it, and it helped me prepare to see his body at the funeral.

My suggestion would be to ask your DD if she wants to talk about it and go from there.


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