Author Topic: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)  (Read 4900 times)

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Margo

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2013, 07:01:43 PM »
Hugs for you and your daughter, this must be so hard.

I think JenJays approach is a good one; letting your daughter know you are willing and able to give her more information, or simply talk with her about her friend.

Do you know what rumours are circulating? It sounds as though these may be more disturbing than the reality, and if your daughter has, or does, hear any of these it may be better for you to speak to her-knowing the truth can be better than imagining something worse.

sweetonsno

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2013, 07:10:59 PM »
I think JenJay's approach is a good one. Let your daughter know that she will probably be hearing rumors and that they will probably not be true (or will be greatly embellished). She can come to you if she wants to know what actually happened.

There is one instance where I would make an exception, however: if your daughter doesn't know that it was a suicide, I would tell her. Yes, it's extremely painful to know, but I think it would be very difficult to be blindsided with that sort of information.

Beyond that, I would focus on helping her figure out how to deal with the rumors she will hear, especially from the creep who is so excited to inform everyone of the details. That's just messed up, and it might be helpful for her to have a response ready for if/when he corners her to try and give her information that she doesn't want to hear. Something like, "Creepo, I'm grieving the loss of my friend. I don't need or want to hear any details, and the fact that you are so excited about it is really disturbing. If you aren't willing to be respectful of me or my friend, then go away."

TurtleDove

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2013, 07:14:17 PM »
I like JenJay's wording.  One caution if you are concerned for your daughter's safety ...  it seems sometimes people who commit suicide are "honored" or glorified somehow, as though this horrible act turned them into a saint somehow. To some, this is alluring.  Suicide is awful and I hope your daughter can see that while people want to remember her friend for the wonderful things he was, he took his life and is no longer around.  I am probably not expressing this clearly, but my point is that sometimes people view the adoration people who commit suicide recieve as a positive thing they want for themselves too, and it is not.

bansidhe

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2013, 07:15:47 PM »
Does your DD have a doctor/therapist you can ask for advice?

I came here to ask this. In view of what you said about your daughter's struggles, I don't know that I'd tackle this without the advice of a professional. (I hope this post doesn't verge too close to being medical advice.)
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snappylt

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #19 on: March 29, 2013, 07:21:05 PM »
At 17, I would say "Hon unfortunately I know how your friend died, as my friend owns the property where he was found. Neither of us realized this was your friend when she was telling me but I've put two and two together. I wasn't going to bring it up but I've heard some rumors that are untrue. If you want to know what really happened I'm here for you and we can talk about it."

I'm so sorry for the loss of this young man. Big hugs to you all.

I think this is a good approach: offer to share what you know.  A seventeen year old should have the opportunity to decide whether or not she wants to know the whole story from a trustworthy source, I believe.

*inviteseller

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #20 on: March 29, 2013, 07:53:45 PM »
My DD does know it was a suicide.  He sent her a message right before that was more or less a goodbye.  She, thankfully had a psychiatrist appt yesterday and the 24 hr crisis team we have has been notified in case we call.  So far I have not seen glorification, and this group of friends actually all met while undergoing treatment for mental health issues.  They all lean on each other for support so this is hard for them, but no one seems to be copycatting.  Actually they are bonding together even more to watch each other.  And as for the boy saying the stories...no one was with him.  I don't know how to hide something by underlighting it, but suffice it to say, he did this all on his own.  The story is he was at the house when he did it, but he was not in a home. 

mmswm

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #21 on: March 29, 2013, 08:18:35 PM »
Add me to the list of people who really like JenJay's wording.  It gives her the opportunity to choose, and if she chooses to know the details, she knows she can get them from a a trustworthy source.

And, I know you didn't ask for them, but ((((hugs))) to you, your DD and her friends.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

AlephReish

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2013, 08:27:18 PM »
I second (third, fourth) JenJay's suggestions. When I was the same age, a girl in my high school killed herself. It was a small town, my graduating class was around 60 people, so, even if we weren't friends, we all knew each other, and for most of us, had known each other since kindergarten or before.

It was horrible... we weren't told very much. Everyone knew it was a suicide, but there was no counseling or explanations. This was 1993, but our small town hadn't experienced anything like this, so no one knew what to do or how to handle it. To this day, when members of my class get together, we still talk about her and the various bits of information different people have and try to figure out what happened.

Knowing that someone knew more truth and COULD tell me, at some point, would have helped tremendously.

Massive hugs.

gramma dishes

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2013, 10:39:22 PM »
Each of Jen Jay's posts have been excellent.  She has the 'feeling' I think you want to convey to your daughter. 

You don't want your daughter believing stories that amount to nothing more than gossip, so let her know that you know what really happened and that if and when the time comes that she wants to talk about it, you'll be there for her with at least some of the answers and that what you know will be the truth, not just rumors.

Hugs to you and your daughter during this very difficult time.

cicero

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2013, 02:49:15 AM »
I nth jenjay's suggestions. My heart goes out to you and your daughter, lots oif hugs to all who knew this young man

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*inviteseller

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2013, 12:21:26 PM »
*UPDATE*********
She knows.  His best friend decided she had a right to know.  She was at the store with her friend so she called me and told me how it happened (she was absolutely correct about it) and said to please call the person who works at the spot where he was found and ask her.  I told her when she came in that this person never put 2+2 together but she is as distraught as us (and she actually is) but I kind of covered up and said we just put it together now as opposed to the night it happened.  I did tell her that the detective was respectful and said a blessing for him and that comforted her.  She said she thinks it is fate that the person we are close to was there to make sure that everything was handled properly.  We are getting ready to go to the funeral home and she is a wreck, so I am happy that the news of how somehow helping her move on.

jaxsue

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2013, 03:12:03 PM »
OP, I think it's better that your DD knows what happened. My parents were protective, to the point of being ridiculous (IMO). When I was 11 yrs old my best friend's mom hanged herself. She was in a very abusive relationship and suffered from depression. I'd spent a lot of time at friend's home and was very sad about the mom's passing. Trouble is, my parents casually told me at the dinner table that BFF's mom had died (she was in her 40s, so a shock no matter what). There was nothing forthcoming after that, and they deflected any questions I had. Add to that, no hugs and no heart-to-heart about it. I refer to my FOO as the "Darwin family" (survival of the fittest).  ::)

So how did I find out how she died? A few years later my friend was visiting me and it came out. I was shocked. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was then. If my parents had done more to help me deal with reality, I'd have been grateful.

Fast forward to 1996. One of my best friends from college hanged himself. His widow called me, and didn't hold back on the details. Nightmarish? Yes, but I knew the facts.

I'm not telling these stories to one-up anyone or to be dramatic. It's all to say that, while the facts are traumatic, it's best that your DD knows. I know from experience. And you are to be commended for being so supportive of her at this time. Hugs to her.

*inviteseller

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #27 on: March 30, 2013, 05:06:58 PM »
I agree Jaxsue.  We have been talking, but I really wasn't sure if I should have told her exactly what happened, or play a wait and see.  She does seem comforted in the knowledge that the special person, thru a rather bizarre twist of fate, was there.  The viewing (which was a closed casket) was unbelievably heart wrenching..his mom was in a fog, his grandmother was sobbing so bad my heart broke, and his dad was so comforting to all the young kids there, especially my daughter who, altho they had never met, knew who she was from talking with his son and seeing pictures of her.  I did tell him that someone special to us was there at the site and told him how respectful and caring everyone was.  The only problem is, part of the rosary he was clutching, his cell phone and coat are MIA, so, without telling anyone, I was taken by the person to the site so we could look for the phone & rosary, as they know for a fact there was no coat.  Special person knew about the rosary but never saw a phone.  We didn't find them, but another person who was there and had picked the rosary up for the police may know where the missing piece is and we hope to be able to return it to the family.  I will NOT tell my daughter I went to the site tho.

Sharnita

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #28 on: March 30, 2013, 05:33:50 PM »
I think in this case it is OK that she knows but I don't think it is overprotective not to tell your kids all the details.  Growing up, my parents taught me not to push for all the details because it tended to be a bit goulish for lack of a better word.  Knowing someboy died, even that it was suicide was one thing.  Pushing for more details than that to satisfy our own curiosity was base and wrong.  It didn't really help or change anything.  Now, if the person closest to the deceased needed to tell us to work through their grief we were to listen without comment or judgement but asking for those details - no.  Now, OP's DD has a situation that is a bit different so I understand her wanting to know.

RooRoo

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Re: To be honest or keep my mouth shut (***Suicide mentioned****)
« Reply #29 on: April 01, 2013, 06:02:05 PM »
When I was a teenager, I had a close friend, and later, an ex-boyfriend both commit suicide.

My mother, bless her heart, wisely told me that grieving was good, and that it was awful that my friends had felt they had no other choice.

She also said that, still, it was a selfish thing to do and it was OK to also be angry with them for hurting me so badly.
"Someday we must write a book of Etiquette for sensible people," said Mrs. Morland, "though apart from a few rules it really boils down to an educated mind and a kind heart." ~ Angela Thirkell, Never Too Late