Friends' divorce + infidelity + lovechild on Facebook

[afbluebelle]

I vote you just stay friends with the husband... seems less confusing.
Don't all divorced people split custody of shared friends?

[stargazer]

Tell mutual friends whatever you want to tell them if they keep asking (tell her you're going to).  Anything else strikes me as MYOB.

[miranova]

I think you are way too emotionally involved in all of this.  I wouldn't spend the amount of time you spent typing this on thinking about this.  It's just not your problem and you can't solve it anyway.  Whether or not her friends are confused is not your problem to solve.  It doesn't even sound like it bothers her if her friends are confused.  The only person who seems to be bothered by that is you.  Why do you care so much?

About meeting her new man.  I get why it's awkward.  I get why you don't want to do it.  I don't even totally disagree.  However, if someone refused to meet my theoretical boyfriend out of some kind of judgment of my choices, I don't see how we could be friends after that.  Either accept her for who she is, or move on and let the friendship die.  I am not aware of any friendships that can survive "I refuse to meet the man you love, but hey, we can still be friends!"  I just don't see that ever working.

[breny]

I don't understand why you think this is your problem to solve. Simply refer any questions to your friend.

[nikkib]

I think you are way too emotionally involved in all of this.  I wouldn't spend the amount of time you spent typing this on thinking about this.  It's just not your problem and you can't solve it anyway.  Whether or not her friends are confused is not your problem to solve.  It doesn't even sound like it bothers her if her friends are confused.  The only person who seems to be bothered by that is you.  Why do you care so much?

About meeting her new man.  I get why it's awkward.  I get why you don't want to do it.  I don't even totally disagree.  However, if someone refused to meet my theoretical boyfriend out of some kind of judgment of my choices, I don't see how we could be friends after that.  Either accept her for who she is, or move on and let the friendship die.  I am not aware of any friendships that can survive "I refuse to meet the man you love, but hey, we can still be friends!"  I just don't see that ever working.

See the thing is, I told her repeatedly that it wasn't that we didn't EVER want to see him, we just wanted to spend some time with her first, and try to adjust to accepting her not being with her husband anymore IRL (not just on FB) before jumping into hanging out with her and her new BF. And in fact, after I told her no the first time, she kept asking and eventually I said ok, but she still didn't show up. So I'm pretty sure she has some other issues going in we aren't aware of, and/or her own mental & emotional issues stemming from the whole thing that are clouding her judgment. I suggested she seek some professional help, not in a mean snarky way but just being honest, because I know there is no way anyone could go through everything she is going through without needing it, and she said she can't afford it. I've tried everything else I can to help her and there is nothing more I can do for her as her friend, so it is just frustrating.

[Sharnita]

I don't think there is anything more you can or should do as far as etiquette goes. It doesn't soound like she wants to be helped so after an initial attempt I would not force the issue.  She knows how to contact you if she changes her mind.

[Hmmmmm]

I think you were in the wrong to refuse to visit with her if her BF attended. The idea that you would view the child differently just seems off to me.

It is of no ones concern who the biological father of the child is. Why would this even be raised unless people are gossiping.  She confided to you in confidence.  Her ex-DH is the child's father.

If someone asks about photos say "sorry, I don't know much. Why don't you ask friend".  Honestly, it sounds like a lot of HS gossiping and drama by all parties.

[Sharnita]

I think you were in the wrong to refuse to visit with her if her BF attended. The idea that you would view the child differently just seems off to me.

It is of no ones concern who the biological father of the child is. Why would this even be raised unless people are gossiping.  She confided to you in confidence.  Her ex-DH is the child's father.

If someone asks about photos say "sorry, I don't know much. Why don't you ask friend".  Honestly, it sounds like a lot of HS gossiping and drama by all parties.

I don't think that refusing to indicate with BF means they see the child differently.  I think it might mean they are coming to terms with how they see the adults who they previously knew as the loving spouses of other people.  I think I might feel a bit like their dupe so I don't know that I would be in the "Isn't it great that this relationship is in the open and I am now asked to acknowledge it" mindset.  It wouldn't have anything to do with the baby.

[delabela]

From your description, your friend has certainly not acted honorably in her personal life.  But I don't see where she has acted badly towards you (indeed, please forgive me, but I see a lot of judgment in your posts - why did you need to mention that she portrayed her relationship with her husband as "so in love"?)

From an etiquette perspective, she is absolutely not obligated to share personal information on facebook, even if not sharing that info causes some confusion. 

Relationships are complicated, and I frequently remind myself I don't know what goes on behind someone else's closed door.  As a friend, I may feel entitled to information or to have my opinion listened to, but if the person does want to share or listen, so be it. 

Not that I don't understand your frustration with the situation - I do.  I just don't think there really is a means to address it. 

[Promise]

You have every right to not associate with her anymore. I think you are putting your values on her without her having asked for your advice though. I've had friends who have done all kinds of bad things, but then confess and turn away from it. You know their character then - people who can admit they did wrong and not do it again.  Look, honestly, if a friend did this, I wouldn't have the respect for her. I don't support a person who commits adultery, then isn't repentant about it. Even Jesus told the woman to not do it any more. Your friend not only did that, she wants you to be happy about it. That's brazen and just ugly. You don't have to. It's the price people pay to indulge in their own selfishness.

[nikkib]

From your description, your friend has certainly not acted honorably in her personal life.  But I don't see where she has acted badly towards you (indeed, please forgive me, but I see a lot of judgment in your posts - why did you need to mention that she portrayed her relationship with her husband as "so in love"?)

From an etiquette perspective, she is absolutely not obligated to share personal information on facebook, even if not sharing that info causes some confusion. 

Relationships are complicated, and I frequently remind myself I don't know what goes on behind someone else's closed door.  As a friend, I may feel entitled to information or to have my opinion listened to, but if the person does want to share or listen, so be it. 

Not that I don't understand your frustration with the situation - I do.  I just don't think there really is a means to address it.

If I seemed to be judgmental in my initial post, it is only because I felt extremely betrayed by her - and her ex - not only with the whole situation with the baby (if you recall we were asked to be the godparents, which I feel is more or less nullified now since the true father doesn't know us well enough to have asked us to be godparents for his baby) but also with their marriage as a whole, since they had only been married for two years and for her to say he confessed that he "didn't love her and never had", and for her to then confess she didn't think she had ever really loved him either - when we had all witnessed their overly-gushy behavior towards each other for years, especially at their wedding - just felt so incredibly deceptive and fake. Of course I can't say what might have gone on behind closed doors and everything, and it was their choice how they chose to present themselves and their relationship...but then you must be prepared for the consequences when those falsehoods are exposed.

[nikkib]

I think you were in the wrong to refuse to visit with her if her BF attended. The idea that you would view the child differently just seems off to me.

It is of no ones concern who the biological father of the child is. Why would this even be raised unless people are gossiping.  She confided to you in confidence.  Her ex-DH is the child's father.

If someone asks about photos say "sorry, I don't know much. Why don't you ask friend".  Honestly, it sounds like a lot of HS gossiping and drama by all parties.

Unfortunately, I happen to live in the real world where people don't go having babies with men other than their husbands, lie to everyone about it, and no one bats an eye or questions anything. She didn't "confide" in me, she just told me the truth about something she thought I had heard about already from someone else (which I hadn't). As I've said multiple times, none of this is a secret she doesn't want anyone to know about, she is just going about disseminating the information to her hundreds of "friends" in an unnecessarily confusing way.

I suppose I was hoping that in posting on here that I would receive some helpful tips from others who might be more experienced with touchy situations such as this when it comes to FB, which I could then relay to her since she really doesn't seem to know how to best handle this. I did my research on this forum before posting, and have seen other situations where advice was asked for and received, not just judgment and snide remarks.

[Pen^2]

I suppose I was hoping that in posting on here that I would receive some helpful tips from others who might be more experienced with touchy situations such as this when it comes to FB, which I could then relay to her since she really doesn't seem to know how to best handle this. I did my research on this forum before posting, and have seen other situations where advice was asked for and received, not just judgment and snide remarks.

What further advice are you exactly looking for? The original questions in your post have all been addressed in responses. The fact is, from all you've said, this person is not receptive to advice, and to push further or try to make her listen when she isn't inclined to would be rude. If she wants advice, it's out there, she just has to want to get it. You can only open the door, you can't make her walk through it, as it were. If she comes to you sincerely asking for advice, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

It's her life, and although she has made decisions and is doing things which you are not comfortable with and feel are bad choices, they're her choices to make, not yours. If she wants to go down that path, there's nothing you can in good conscience do. You can express disapproval, but if she still wants to do things a certain way, then you cannot continue to make your disapproval known while still being polite. You can't control someone who wants to do the wrong thing, as frustrating as it can be. It's not your problem, although I know it can feel otherwise since it impacts you. If she wants to confuse the people around her and make destructive choices, that's her right, and you mustn't involve yourself in trying to change that.

[GreenBird]

Has she asked you how she should handle this on Facebook?  If she hasn't explicitly asked for your advice, I think you need stop trying to tell her how to handle it.  It doesn't sound like she's going to listen to unsolicited advice, and trying to get her to handle things a certain way is just going to put an additional strain on the friendship, and on you. 

I'd recommend taking a deep breath and reminding yourself that you can't control her life and her choices.  When people ask you questions about her, you can deflect the questions by saying things like:   
"I can't keep up with what's going on with her; you'd really have to ask her". 
"I find it very confusing; you'll have to ask her."
"I'm really not sure what's going on; you'll have to ask her."
Just keep telling people you're not clear about what's going on (which is true), and redirecting them to her (which is where they should go for information anyway).  It'll feel awkward at first, but it will get easier after you've deflected a few times. 

And maybe I'd quit looking at her Facebook posts for awhile - they're just going to make you feel crazy (I know they'd make me frustrated!)

[katycoo]

Me thinks you're not being as non-judgmental about all this as you think you are.  You seem to have very strong opinions on what has happened in her personal life, and her obligations to inform everyone else.

1. How should a divorce announcement be handled on FB? Especially with children involved, a multitude of mutual friends and goal of maintaining amicability? Oh and can't forget about the mutual infidelity too...

However the person getting divorced feels like handling it.  It's their personal business.  They can share, or not share, however they like.  Most people who they are truily friends with will find out IRL interactions along the way.  Everyone they don't know IRL probably won't know their ex-partner, or care very much.  If you don't see someone often enough to hear it directly, then you're not close enough to be entitled to the information.

2. How soon after such a divorce/separation should mutual friends be expected to accept the new BF/GF? In this case, no divorce or separation papers have even been filed yet nor do they seem to be in a hurry to do so, so it is hard to expect a typical timeframe for being "officially divorced" :/

No divorce is typical.  People move on as they move on.  In a situation like this, one party must compromise, or choose their stance over the friendship.  If sounds like you both have chosen your stance.

3. What obligation, if any, could someone be expected to have to explain the true paternity of their child on FB? Especially when they are in a new relationship with the true father, and seem to make no secret of his relation...but haven't come right out and said it.

The trust paternity of the child is noones business except the child. I would NEVER expect this kind of information to be posted on social media.