Friends' divorce + infidelity + lovechild on Facebook

[zyrs]

Honestly, I would just stay out of it and redirect any questions you are asked back to her.

[cass2591]

I suppose I was hoping that in posting on here that I would receive some helpful tips from others who might be more experienced with touchy situations such as this when it comes to FB, which I could then relay to her since she really doesn't seem to know how to best handle this. I did my research on this forum before posting, and have seen other situations where advice was asked for and received, not just judgment and snide remarks.

Should the OP return, let me say this.

Your OP and follow up posts are so fraught with dramatic and extraneous info that to claim you only wanted advice on how to respond to her on FB is unrealistic. Of course people are going to react.

As for your research, apparently you didn't do enough. You didn't notice that it's not uncommon to question OPs and ask questions if necessary? Scolding people who took the time to reply to your post because you didn't like what they wrote isn't exactly gracious.

[Tea Drinker]

Yes, she's vaguebooking. In such a situation, I would tell the person either "I'm going to answer if people ask me" or "I'm going to tell anyone who asks me about this that I'm confused myself, and that they should ask you," and then do it.

Beyond that, I think that a child's parents are the people who step up and take responsibility. This often but not always matches with biological parenthood, for a variety of reasons (including adoption, divorce or widowhood and remarriage, and donor insemination). Barring evidence of actual abuse, I would do nothing to interfere with those parent-child connections, even if I was dubious about how they were formed. The child may need or want to know the biological connections for medical reasons, but that's between her, her parents, and her doctor.

[MorgnsGrl]

Unfortunately, I happen to live in the real world where people don't go having babies with men other than their husbands, lie to everyone about it, and no one bats an eye or questions anything.

Actually, in the real world it would appear that this and other things like it DO happen. To me you are coming across as someone who has already judged her friends and is looking for people to agree with you about how horrible and unworthy they are. I understand that this might not be the actual situation, but it's how you're coming across. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, that's OKAY. You don't need reasons or approval. 

[miranova]

You have every right to not associate with her anymore. I think you are putting your values on her without her having asked for your advice though. I've had friends who have done all kinds of bad things, but then confess and turn away from it. You know their character then - people who can admit they did wrong and not do it again.  Look, honestly, if a friend did this, I wouldn't have the respect for her. I don't support a person who commits adultery, then isn't repentant about it. Even Jesus told the woman to not do it any more. Your friend not only did that, she wants you to be happy about it. That's brazen and just ugly. You don't have to. It's the price people pay to indulge in their own selfishness.

If I had a friend who was doing these thing with absolutely zero remorse about the consequences to other people, I agree that I'd not want to associate with her any more.  But then I'd do just that....stop associating.  There is no reason that it would be my business or responsibility to inform the entire world about this friend's actions and make sure they know "THE TRUTH" about her child.  That's just gossiping.

The only people who have a right to know are the people immediately and directly affected (the child, the ex, the bio father, etc).

[nikkib]

Actually, in the real world it would appear that this and other things like it DO happen. To me you are coming across as someone who has already judged her friends and is looking for people to agree with you about how horrible and unworthy they are. I understand that this might not be the actual situation, but it's how you're coming across. If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, that's OKAY. You don't need reasons or approval.

This is entirely untrue. If you would refer to my OP, I clearly stated what I was looking for - on a forum supposedly dedicated to etiquette of all types, which is solely where my concern lies. All of the responses from others questioning my reasoning for why I feel the way have nothing whatsoever to do with my questions, and only served to further muddle this entire thread.

[nikkib]

In my OP, I supplied all of the details for the situation I had etiquette questions about because I thought they would be needed to form the etiquette-related opinions necessary. I did NOT ask for anyone to agree with my, or judge the situation at all, which is what the majority of the responses on this thread have done. If you don't like the way I wrote it, or what my position is, that has nothing at all to do with the etiquette questions I have asked. I thought the name of this forum was Etiquette Hell, after all; not Judgment Hell. I am looking for whatever useful information I can find to possibly help my friend deal with a complicated situation, which as some have said I can suggest to her and leave it at that. I'm not going to bully her or lose sleep over any of this, so everyone can stop telling ME what *I* should do here, which is exactly the kind of unsolicited advice you are all condemning me for supposedly giving. @@

[sammycat]

If I was in this situation, I  would simply refer the people questioning me to the friend. What she tells people is up to her.

She sounds like a major self absorbed drama queen, and I don't have the time or energy for people like this, so I'd just let the friendship drop. I wouldn't initiate contact, comment on her facebook posts etc; I'd just let things drift away.

[snowdragon]

1. How should a divorce announcement be handled on FB? Especially with children involved, a multitude of mutual friends and goal of maintaining amicability? Oh and can't forget about the mutual infidelity too...

None of this is anybodies business - nor is the state of their relationship. ( mutual infidelities or not) 


2. How soon after such a divorce/separation should mutual friends be expected to accept the new BF/GF? In this case, no divorce or separation papers have even been filed yet nor do they seem to be in a hurry to do so, so it is hard to expect a typical timeframe for being "officially divorced" :/

depends on if you want to remain friends with them.....she's right if she considers him her new SO - excluding him can only harm your friendship
 

3. What obligation, if any, could someone be expected to have to explain the true paternity of their child on FB? Especially when they are in a new relationship with the true father, and seem to make no secret of his relation...but haven't come right out and said it.

Absolutely none. It's not your business or anyone else's and if she is not being explicit about it, you have no right to do that for her.


While I would have a hard time being friends with her, her husband or the BFF  after all this, I would also have problems being friends with someone who broke the "news" of the child's paternity, or the state of someone else's relationship - I would never be able to trust the news breaker again.

[nikkib]

3. What obligation, if any, could someone be expected to have to explain the true paternity of their child on FB? Especially when they are in a new relationship with the true father, and seem to make no secret of his relation...but haven't come right out and said it.

Absolutely none. It's not your business or anyone else's and if she is not being explicit about it, you have no right to do that for her.


While I would have a hard time being friends with her, her husband or the BFF  after all this, I would also have problems being friends with someone who broke the "news" of the child's paternity, or the state of someone else's relationship - I would never be able to trust the news breaker again.

Whoooaaaa wait a minute I never said *I* was going to break any of her news for her, I am only asking for help to relay to her to help her to handle the situation on her FB profile.

[snowdragon]

3. What obligation, if any, could someone be expected to have to explain the true paternity of their child on FB? Especially when they are in a new relationship with the true father, and seem to make no secret of his relation...but haven't come right out and said it.

Absolutely none. It's not your business or anyone else's and if she is not being explicit about it, you have no right to do that for her.


While I would have a hard time being friends with her, her husband or the BFF  after all this, I would also have problems being friends with someone who broke the "news" of the child's paternity, or the state of someone else's relationship - I would never be able to trust the news breaker again.

Whoooaaaa wait a minute I never said *I* was going to break any of her news for her, I am only asking for help to relay to her to help her to handle the situation on her FB profile.

that's not your business either.  And you did say others are asking you for info, I'd just be keeping my nose out of it because I know it's not mine or anyone's business. 

And you did tell someone...we may not know these folks but you did tell us.  If anyone who knows these folks figured out who you were talking about ( or thought they did) it could change their opinions of you, too.

my best advice is just stay out of it.

[Promise]

As to etiquette, stay out of it. Multiple people here have said to refer people to her if you are asked. She created the mess, it's up to her to handle it on FB. She does not need to say anything on FB. If she has a new boyfriend, she can put up a photo of him and her. People will figure it out. The child's paternity has no business on FB. Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but as to the length of time to "accept" the new one; probably never. I'd be respectful in their presence if we were at the same place at the same time, but the couple would not be invited to any of my events. She still MARRIED. Honor marriage even if others don't. Again, it really goes to show about her character. Why be friends with someone like that? Bad company corrupts good character.

[LifeOnPluto]

For the record, I think your friend is gutless. It sounds like she's deliberately putting enough info on her Facebook (the changed status and the "Daddy" pics) for people to "figure it out" themselves. But at the same time, she's avoiding telling people outright. I suppose that's because telling people outright might lead to tricky conversations, which wouldn't paint her in a very good light.

It might not be rude (it is her Facebook page, after all, and she can do what she wants) but IMO, it's pretty gutless.

As posters have said, I wouldn't advise her on anything further re: Facebook.

The other issue is in regards to meeting her new boyfriend. My parents were recently in a similar situation. They were close friends with "Bob and Jane", who were married for 40 years. Bob had an affair with a much younger woman (scarcely older than his own daughter). He walked out on Jane to be with his mistress. He rang my parents, very excited, and told them that he'd left Jane, and moved in with his girlfriend. He wanted to bring her around to meet my parents.

My parents conferred with each other, and informed Bob that in the fullness of time, they'd be glad to meet his girlfriend. But not right away. They asked Bob to give them some time to adjust to the new situation - a couple of months at least.

Now, if Bob had thrown a hissy fit, and told them if they refused to immediately accept the new girlfriend, they wouldn't be seeing him either, my parents would NOT have stayed friends with Bob. As it happened, Bob said, "That's cool, I understand".

(All of this turned out to be a moot point anyway, as before the couple of months were up, Bob decided he wanted to stay married, and left his mistress to return to Jane.)

So my short answer is - you were NOT rude in asking your friend to give you some time, before meeting her new boyfriend. I think her response was unreasonable and rude.

[GSNW]

1. How should a divorce announcement be handled on FB? Especially with children involved, a multitude of mutual friends and goal of maintaining amicability? Oh and can't forget about the mutual infidelity too...

2. How soon after such a divorce/separation should mutual friends be expected to accept the new BF/GF? In this case, no divorce or separation papers have even been filed yet nor do they seem to be in a hurry to do so, so it is hard to expect a typical timeframe for being "officially divorced" :/

3. What obligation, if any, could someone be expected to have to explain the true paternity of their child on FB? Especially when they are in a new relationship with the true father, and seem to make no secret of his relation...but haven't come right out and said it.

1.  I feel like a divorce announcement on FB is in poor taste.  I realize it's easy to see at times when people change their significant other status, but I wouldn't call that an "announcement," exactly.  Anything beyond a quiet change in status is just a plea for attention and an excuse to drag ugly details into a place they really don't belong.  And it's juvenile.

2.  Accepting the new significant other in your friend's life is your decision, but I think it's rude to expect her to exclude him from socializing simply because you can't take it.  If you can't deal with it, then don't see her, or ask her out for a girl's lunch (meaning your DH is not invited, either).  I understand that it might be awkward, but it shows maturity and a gracious character if you can accept that your friend is now involved with someone else.  Your approval of how they came to be involved is unnecessary.

3.  A child's "true paternity" is also not a topic I would choose to discuss on Facebook.  It's not really anyone else's business.  Do you think she needs to be outed for her initial deception?  I agree with others - if common friends are asking you questions, refer them to your friend.  Otherwise it just comes off as gossipy - and again, juvenile.

[cass2591]

OP, has your friend asked for your advice on any of this?