Author Topic: Third (but also first) baby shower  (Read 15939 times)

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bah12

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #150 on: April 02, 2013, 02:38:20 PM »
For the record, I have a few friends that are closer to me than blood relatives so a family only event would include them.
Me too!  I just had two weeks with mine!  :D And to be fair, this may be the case.  I'm mostly concerned at this point that I will disappoint my mother because in every other way she is really great.  I think the way she was brought up and her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby.  I want to help out but hate being made to feel like it's my duty somehow.  I raised my three with no financial support from my family because I have a good job.  I have had LOTS of moral support and my mother is always looking for excuses to have my children over because she likes to spend time with them.  I think that's what is burning me most,  I was really looking forward to being a very involved Auntie and this has kind of put a damper on that.

Why?  You're fine not to want to go to the shower, not to buy the stroller, etc....but why would a party that your mother is throwing and a gift that she asked you to buy have any effect on your relationship with your new neice/nephew?  I don't get it.

  What I took from that is that the OP is feeling pressured to help support this child and she does not want to - if she forms a relationship with this child it will be taken as a sign that she acquiesces to this monetary support and more demands will be made.  Or she could feel that since she is already comparing what she got from mom and what the brother is getting, couple with what she is being expected to give  ( mom's idea that "her circumstances up until we all left home have left her with the idea that it's everyone's responsibility to pay for New Baby" ) and finding she's not comfortable with the differences - that is not the basis for a good relationship with anyone involved ( her brother, SIL or the new baby) - but the OP might have a different explanation.

I would be interested to get the OP's explanation, because I do think this reasoning is a bit of a stretch.  I consider myself to be a very involved Aunt to my neices and nephews (especially those that are local), but in no way to I support them financially.    I don't think that involvement, which I define as a lot of emotional support and time, is in any way tied to an expecatation of supporting them financially, nor do I think it has anything to do with weather or not a shower was thrown in their honor before they were born.

This is a baby shower.  It is being thrown by the OP's mother.  And it was the OP's mother that suggested that she buy the stroller.  I don't see either of those as being pressured to support the child...especially not by the parents of the child, which to me, matter much more than what the grandmother wants/thinks.  And since I don't equate a baby shower (or a shower of any kind) as any kind of commitment for furture financial support, I'm having a hard time drawing the line between "My mom suggested I buy a stroller off the registry" to "Dang it!  That means I can't be involved in the child's life now!"  Personally, I think this attitude is, at best, premature.  I would hope the OP wouldn't let some disapproval of her mother's actions, spill over to her SIL and cloud the relationship with her neice or nephew. 

Also, and I hestitate to say this, I'm wondering how the mother  treated the OP when she was expecting her first child.  It seems that the OP is accusing her mother of expecting everyone to step up for this child , but that she didn't receive any financial support herself.  Was this because she refused the offer (made by her mom or otherwise) or because it was never offered to begin with?  Because I can definitely see reacting to a perceived inequality.  The OP has a good job so her mom didn't gush over the shower, the SIL and brother, maybe don't, so they get more attention.  I don't know if that's the case, but it would bother me on a personal level too.  (Mainly because showers do not equal financial support nor should be tied to a family's finances).

FWIW, I registered for just about everything I needed when I was pregnant.  And it wasn't because I expected anyone to buy me anything.  But, if I bought something off my registry, I got a store discount.  It only made sense for me to include the big ticket items to get that discount.  So, just because there are big items on the registry, doesn't necessarily mean that the OP's SIL is expecting that people purchase it for her. 

Moray

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #151 on: April 02, 2013, 03:20:45 PM »
Frankly I see all of these scenario's as just an excuse to get more stuff out of friends and family.

I am so glad that my experience is so different from yours, snowdragon.  I have never attended a shower where the focus was on getting stuff out of friends and family.  It's difficult for me to wrap my mind around why anyone would attend a gathering for someone they neither like nor respect because they believe them to be gimme pigs.  I certainly wouldn't.

This.
Utah

kareng57

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #152 on: April 03, 2013, 06:09:03 PM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.


There's never been any rule that guests at a baby or bridal shower must buy only gifts listed on the registry.  There are plenty of universally-needed baby items in the $ 20 or so range - onesies, receiving blankets, baby washcloths, etc.

IME a $ 250 stroller is a very expensive item to have on a registry - perhaps grandparents might spend that much, but not other relatives.

Sharnita

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #153 on: April 03, 2013, 06:12:33 PM »
I think it is pretty common for people to go in together on a more expensive gift like a stroller.

LadyR

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #154 on: April 03, 2013, 08:38:09 PM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.


There's never been any rule that guests at a baby or bridal shower must buy only gifts listed on the registry.  There are plenty of universally-needed baby items in the $ 20 or so range - onesies, receiving blankets, baby washcloths, etc.

IME a $ 250 stroller is a very expensive item to have on a registry - perhaps grandparents might spend that much, but not other relatives.

Different circles. Most of my shower gifts were in the $100-$200 range and my bff actually did buy the travel system and will be buying one for her sister. It is the norm in our circle (wedding gifts are often around $200+ and bridal shower gifts in the $100 range), which is why it is only close friends/family and why I personally don't like showers for second babies (but I still say this couple gets a pass as this is his first child and the first shower his family has gotten to throw and I'm not sure the HC are at fault and not the overly excited grandmother.)


peaches

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #155 on: April 03, 2013, 08:52:09 PM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.


There's never been any rule that guests at a baby or bridal shower must buy only gifts listed on the registry.  There are plenty of universally-needed baby items in the $ 20 or so range - onesies, receiving blankets, baby washcloths, etc.

IME a $ 250 stroller is a very expensive item to have on a registry - perhaps grandparents might spend that much, but not other relatives.

Different circles. Most of my shower gifts were in the $100-$200 range and my bff actually did buy the travel system and will be buying one for her sister. It is the norm in our circle (wedding gifts are often around $200+ and bridal shower gifts in the $100 range), which is why it is only close friends/family and why I personally don't like showers for second babies (but I still say this couple gets a pass as this is his first child and the first shower his family has gotten to throw and I'm not sure the HC are at fault and not the overly excited grandmother.)

The good news is that no one has to buy off of a registry. People of limited means can choose something unique, but inexpensive. Or they might make a personal gift, such as a baby quilt or cute bibs or something like that.

I often give children's books as a baby shower gift. In our circle of friends and family, many shower gifts are in the $25-$50 range. Larger gifts often are given by grandparents or siblings, or people might pool their resources for a $100 or so gift.

In etiquette, there isn't any minimum amount for a shower gift.

kareng57

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Re: Third (but also first) baby shower
« Reply #156 on: April 04, 2013, 01:24:42 AM »
Ok, I've been on vacation and haven't had a chance to read through the whole thread but here's an update for anyone interested: It apparently isn't entirely family only, a few friends are now included on the Facebook invite list. They are registered and only two items are under $40 and one of these is baby wipes.  I was informed by my mother that I should buy the stroller they want (at $250). I feel at this point that I can't not attend in the interest of family peace but I will probably not be purchasing the stroller.  My brother is not attending. He will be there at the beginning and end but it is being planned as a female-oriented event. Also, I apologize for my hyperbole in using the word 'atrocity'. That really seems tomhave bothered a few people and I didn't intend to do that.


There's never been any rule that guests at a baby or bridal shower must buy only gifts listed on the registry.  There are plenty of universally-needed baby items in the $ 20 or so range - onesies, receiving blankets, baby washcloths, etc.

IME a $ 250 stroller is a very expensive item to have on a registry - perhaps grandparents might spend that much, but not other relatives.

Different circles. Most of my shower gifts were in the $100-$200 range and my bff actually did buy the travel system and will be buying one for her sister. It is the norm in our circle (wedding gifts are often around $200+ and bridal shower gifts in the $100 range), which is why it is only close friends/family and why I personally don't like showers for second babies (but I still say this couple gets a pass as this is his first child and the first shower his family has gotten to throw and I'm not sure the HC are at fault and not the overly excited grandmother.)


Okay, what can I say.  Obviously these are the norm in some circles, but I certainly don't travel in them......I simply could not afford to attend a shower where I was expected to spend that much.