Author Topic: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27  (Read 9067 times)

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Bashful

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Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« on: April 02, 2013, 06:56:55 AM »
Hi everybody, long time lurker first time poster here.
This is something happened to my friend Lucy: she told me the story of her last discussion with her friends Mary and Tess. She strongly believes they are in the wrong place. I generally agree with her (because she is my BFF :D ) but this time I would like an opinion from you, wise e-hellions!
BG: Lucy, Mary and Tess are known each other since forever. Mary and Tess are BFF, Lucy is just “friend”. In the past years there have been tension between Lucy and the ladies for various reasons. Every time they make up and go on. Mary had her first baby recently. END BG.
The story.
Last month Lucy planned her own birthday party, an after dinner hang out in a cocktail bar. The time was set just after dinner time on a Saturday night. In my region going to the restaurant means a 2 hour meal so eating out before the party wasn’t a valid option (at least, this is what I thought so I had dinner at home).  Lucy sent out invitations: Tess said she would come, Mary said she wasn’t sure because she was afraid her boy could take the flu (she couldn’t leave him at home and weather was freezing cold). Lucy said “ok”. Cue to 3-4 days before the party,  Mary and Tess said Lucy that they had planned a restaurant dinner the same evening of the party and invited her to join. Lucy thanked them but refused to join: she had host duties and she had to be on the party site before the time set.
As predicted, Mary, Tess and some other Lucy guests who joined the “restaurant dinner” showed up late at the party. Mary left early for her baby, the others stayed for a reasonable time. Lucy was very upset: she saw the whole thing as a sabotage to her party. Would have she joined the dinner, she would have been late for her own party. Not mentioning the part where they hijacked 1/3 of the guests.
The day after the party Lucy talked to Tess and Mary, accusing them of sabotage. They were outraged and claimed to have organized the meal just to get a chance to hang out with Lucy without having to expose the baby boy to bad weather and implied Lucy was ungrateful. Conversation heated, old grudges came out and the whole thing became a war.
End of story.
Lucy still claims sabotage, I am more inclined to think that Mary and Tess are so self centered to be clueless (not that this makes them less rude!).
Mind you: I do believe Mary and Tess were rude but I can’t find the line between spite and self-centered cluelessness
Lucy has no doubt on how to handle the whole situation and I don't have a saying in that (and I don't want it either!). I'm looking for opinions. What do you think?
If you want I can give you more BG, I just think this is enough for now.
« Last Edit: April 02, 2013, 05:06:10 PM by Bashful »

YummyMummy66

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2013, 07:16:35 AM »
First of all, Lucy planned a dinner on a certain night and time.  Her friends were certainly thoughtless, selfish, whatever to plan something for the same evening and expect Lucy having no problem with that.

Am I correct in that other friends of Lucy's attended the before event and then went onto Lucy's planned dinner?   

It seems that there were many people here who had a lack of etiquette.

Yes, Mary and Tess were most definitly in the wrong.  First of all, if Mary could not attend without her baby, she should not have gone, period.  This was an adult event. 

I don't think it is that Mary and Tess were clueless, they are selfish and only thinking of themselves. 

If I were Lucy, these are friends I would certainly distance myself from as they have shown where Lucy stands in their lives.


Sharnita

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2013, 07:24:39 AM »
So Mary was afraid that going to Lucy's event would give her baby the flu because of the cold but she exposed the child to a bunch of guests at her event and didn't worry that might lead to the flu?

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2013, 07:29:22 AM »
So Mary was afraid that going to Lucy's event would give her baby the flu because of the cold but she exposed the child to a bunch of guests at her event and didn't worry that might lead to the flu?

Yeah, not getting that logic myself.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Bashful

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2013, 10:20:16 AM »
Thank you everybody for your answers.
Yummymummy: yes, other friends of Lucy attended both events, although Lucy's party wasn't a real dinner (more a kind of "have a drink and a snack" party). Lucy distanced herself from them for good, after years of this recurring behaviour. I believe she should reconsider her relationship with the other guests too, since some regretted being in such position but others didn't.
So Mary was afraid that going to Lucy's event would give her baby the flu because of the cold but she exposed the child to a bunch of guests at her event and didn't worry that might lead to the flu?

Yeah, not getting that logic myself.

Me neither! I guess that cocktail bar flu is way more aggressive than restaurant flu :)

WillyNilly

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2013, 10:42:43 AM »
Mary and Tess were certainly out of line. I sort of see how they might have originally planned it to be nice, as a way to plan for Lucy and do something nice for her, so she didn't have to plan everything herself. But once Lucy pointed out she could not attend and why, they shoudl have realized the error of their plan and scrapped it. I don't know if "sabotage" is the right word, but "mean", "unfriendly" and "selfish" certainly seem to fit.

I wonder if Mary and Tess lied to their guests though?  I don't know Lucy should write those people off just yet until she knows more. Its very possible Mary and Tess said something like "oh, we are planning a before dinner for Lucy and then we'll all head over to the bar, please come along!" The guests wouldn't know Lucy had declined until they got to dinner.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2013, 10:49:13 AM »
I might not grasp what kind of party Lucy was throwing.  It sounds like a casual affair, but then she also sent out invitations?  Was she hosting as in paying for everything and having things catered?  Or was it more, "It's my birthday!  We're meeting up at Bar Awesome at 7:00!"  Because if it's the latter, it would not seem at all strange to me for people to show up any time after 7:00 and assume a start time of 7:00 did not mean, "I better be there at 7:00." 

If it were me, this might irk me but I would let it go.

Two Ravens

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2013, 10:54:19 AM »
Tess and Mary were rude to be late, of course. But I don't see anything wrong with asking a few friends, "Hey, want to grab dinner before Lucy's shindig?"

I think calling it "sabotage" was an extreme over-reaction, and bespeaks more to her opinion of Tess and Mary than anything else.

Donovan

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2013, 11:24:49 AM »
An 'after dinner hang out' sounds pretty casual to me, so I wouldn't think I would have to be there right at the starting time. How late were they?

amylouky

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2013, 11:45:30 AM »
Honestly, I think that Lucy was a bit rude to plan her get-together for "just after dinnertime" and expect people to show up right on time. I think if she wanted to have a party close to dinnertime, she should have fully hosted so her guests didn't have to scramble to get there on time after eating dinner.

I think an after-dinner "hangout" would be interpreted by most people as casual and showing up a little late because you wanted to eat dinner would not be a problem. I'm assuming here that a little late would be 15-30 minutes, not two hours, of course.

Bashful

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Re: Bday sabotage?
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2013, 12:17:01 PM »
OP here. Some small clarification.
Lucy was catering beverages and food. She did not send written invitations, just made phone calls. It was a casual affair but the dinner guests showed up an hour and a half later. I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if just Mary and Tess showed up late. Problem is, the restaurant dinner held back 1/3 of the guests.
I agree that the "after dinner" time set was a bit uncomfortable. That evening I chose to eat at home because I could tell it wouldn't be easy have a restaurant meal and be on time. On the other hand, if I had a problem with the time I could always choose to not join the event.
I believe that other guests knew that Lucy had declined the dinner invitation. Giving them the benefit of doubt, I could say that they were under the false assumption that they could be in time. As in :"Have dinner together! It will be very fast and we will be on time for Lucy's party, I promise!". Since they are not toddlers, they should have known better.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2013, 12:55:49 PM »
To me, the guests did nothing wrong.  In my experience, showing up to a casual event an hour and a half late would be normal and expected.  It would be strange to have everyone show up exactly at the "start time" for a casual thing like this was.  I am envisioning the invitation was something like "I'm throwing a birthday shindig at Awesome Bar starting at 7:00 on Saturday!"  To me, that means show up any time on Saturday night after 7 - the party will likely go until bar close. I wouldn't show up at, say, midnight, but showing up at 8:30 would not be rude to me. I think if Lucy gets upset at her friends, her friends would be legitimately baffled - they came to her party!!!!!

WillyNilly

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2013, 01:02:26 PM »
To me, the guests did nothing wrong.  In my experience, showing up to a casual event an hour and a half late would be normal and expected.  It would be strange to have everyone show up exactly at the "start time" for a casual thing like this was.  I am envisioning the invitation was something like "I'm throwing a birthday shindig at Awesome Bar starting at 7:00 on Saturday!"  To me, that means show up any time on Saturday night after 7 - the party will likely go until bar close. I wouldn't show up at, say, midnight, but showing up at 8:30 would not be rude to me. I think if Lucy gets upset at her friends, her friends would be legitimately baffled - they came to her party!!!!!

I would never assume a fully hosted (and in the post just above yours the OP tells us Lucy was paying for beverages and food) party would go on from 7 to bar closing. Usually catered events have a time limit to them, in the US the industry standard is 5 hours or less for a full on meal type party, and 1-3 hours for a cocktail party. So showing up 1.5 hours late for a catered cocktail party, which is what this sounds like even though it was slated for later in the evening, is missing a full half of the party.

Sure showing up 10, 15, 30 minutes late is ok for a casual affair but blowing off a full half of a party, for a dinner you were invited to after the party invite is pretty universally rude.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2013, 01:07:25 PM »
Sure showing up 10, 15, 30 minutes late is ok for a casual affair but blowing off a full half of a party, for a dinner you were invited to after the party invite is pretty universally rude.

My experience is that it is NOT universally rude.  My sister's husband threw her a fancy party (I wore a teal sequined cocktail dress! My BF wore a tuxedo!!!) for her 40th birthday.  It was fully catered, open bar.  It started at 7:00.  I was there at 7:00, because she's my sister and because my BF and I had to leave by 10:00, but people trickled in and some did not arrive until closer to 9:00, when it had been put on the written invitations that speeches and other fun stuff would happen.  No one thought anyone arriving later was rude.  Some people had to leave right after the toasts, some stayed until 2:00 am.

Sharnita

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10
« Reply #14 on: April 02, 2013, 01:08:15 PM »
An hour and a half after the start time strikes me as extremel rude in a situation like this.