Author Topic: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27  (Read 9115 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #60 on: April 04, 2013, 01:58:44 PM »
I guess for me having an open house and going until close makes a bigger deal out of it than having a set start and end time with a three hour duration.

TurtleDove

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #61 on: April 04, 2013, 02:29:40 PM »
...perhaps the number of invitees who saw the timing as more casual might mean that Lucy may not have communicated her vision for the party effectively if so many of her guests felt comfortable coming so late.

Well put.  (Actually the entire post was, but I trimmed).  As an aside, I've been reading this thread for a few days now and everytime it pops up I read "Baby sabotage?"

Hmmmmm

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #62 on: April 04, 2013, 02:35:14 PM »
Well honestly though - if they discussed the dinner and party beforehand and Lucy knew she couldn't go because it would make her late, \didn't she already know ahead of time that it would make her friends late too?  By not pointing it out to them that it would be a problem to her for them to show up late, wasn't she implicitly saying that it was okay?

No, I don't think so. Instead it would seem her friend's would have a moment of awareness and think, "Oh, yeah, we'd probably miss a big chunk of the party if we go to dinner at that time. Maybe we should go to dinner earlier or skip the idea totally."

Well I kinda mean in terms of picking up on whether it is a come when you can or be here right at the start sort of party, as was being debated earlier.  If they genuinely thought that it was a come when you can (and I've been to cocktail parties where people did show up an hour in because they didn't want to stay for the whole 3 hours that was set out in the invite and no one blinked), that would have been the time to correct them, but it wasn't done.  They essentially told her their plan to show up an hour or so after the start time, and she in no way indicated that it wasn't appropriate for the type of party she was throwing.  That is unless they changed the start time of their dinner after that conversation of course.

Not saying I would have done what they did, but there is some possible room before they get firmly into mean girl territory.

I'm not sure how you would correct them though.

Hostess Lucy:  Hi Nya, I'm having a get together next Saturday at X restaurant. I've reserved the party room starting at 8 and we have it till the restaurant closes at 11.
Guest Mary:  Sounds great. See you then.

Two days later.
Guest Tess:  Lucy, Mary and I wanted to get a group together for dinner before your party. Do you want to join us?
Lucy: Oh, I'm afraid dinner would take too long for us to make it to the other restaurant on time.  And I need to be there a little early too.

What is Lucy supposed to say?  "Well, Tess if you have dinner at that time, you'll be late for my party." That comes across as a little pushy and maybe even like trying to control another adult.

To me, once Lucy indicates that dinner would conflict with her party, Tess/Mary should have realized it wasn't a good idea.

NyaChan

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #63 on: April 04, 2013, 02:40:01 PM »
"Oh are you not coming to my party at 8?  I'd really hoped that people would arrive then as it isn't an open house-style of party."

TurtleDove

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #64 on: April 04, 2013, 02:46:26 PM »
"Oh are you not coming to my party at 8?  I'd really hoped that people would arrive then as it isn't an open house-style of party."

Exactly. 

saffron

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #65 on: April 04, 2013, 06:08:14 PM »
Good points guys :)

I suppose that before I cast Mary and Tess into the 7th circle of e-hell I need to know more about the tone, phone call and previous group dynamic. In other words, was this truly a deliberate attempt to keep people from the party or was it an unfortunate misunderstanding as to the type/style of party?

I'd say that Lucy probably knew that 1/3 of her guest list was going to dinner - but I don't think it necessarily follows that Tess and Mary knew that it was that big a chink of the party.

I totally agree that they knew that the party was about 3 hrs long. But again, I'm not sure that they meant to arrive 1.5 hrs into it. They could have been "aiming for" arriving earlier but then....life.

Lastly - I can't find the reference to a private room. So people could have assumed that 'catered' meant - bar snacks and several tables pushed together in the main area. I can totally see myself making that assumption and then arriving to find something more formal (private room etc..) and then feeling terrible about the turn of events.

Anyways - I'm just playing devil's advocate here because I can see this being a huge misunderstanding - which while hurtful and upsetting to Lucy - wasn't a deliberate sabotage of her birthday. I do feel badly for her and hope that she's able to talk this through with her friends rationally and explain why she's upset and I hope that they can see where they may have gone wrong and issue a sincere apology.

And yeah - I keep seeing baby sabotage too!  ;D



WillyNilly

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10
« Reply #66 on: April 04, 2013, 08:06:45 PM »
Post #27 from the OP:

...We were in a private room, no loud music, no smoke and the boy, being a newborn, can't knock things off. The only adult oriented part was the time set: an after dinner event doesn't match very well with infants schedule, I guess!
The party was supposed to last 3 hours, a.k.a. closing time for the bar, and everybody was aware of that...

saffron

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #67 on: April 04, 2013, 09:24:35 PM »
Got'cha - thanks WillyNilly

Danika

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #68 on: April 04, 2013, 10:18:58 PM »
"Oh are you not coming to my party at 8?  I'd really hoped that people would arrive then as it isn't an open house-style of party."

If she were quick on her feet, she might have responded this way. But if she's used to being overly polite or not handling confrontation, she probably heard it as:

"I know your party starts at 8. We're having dinner beforehand."

And she hoped they'd get there by 8:05, because what kind of a friend would purposely plan to come 1.5 hours later. She probably assumed they were adult enough to know their schedules and get there on time. Or maybe she thought they were rude at the time but was so shocked that she didn't know what to say.

I know I've had "friends" act similarly. I was so taken aback and had never been in a position as a host to be so insulted and used before that when the few rude people all acted like "hey, this is normal" I assumed they knew better because there were several of them acting like it was no big deal. I didn't want to overreact and have them tell me I was overreacting, so I didn't react at all. I said nothing.

Surianne

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #69 on: April 04, 2013, 10:40:50 PM »
"Oh are you not coming to my party at 8?  I'd really hoped that people would arrive then as it isn't an open house-style of party."

If she were quick on her feet, she might have responded this way. But if she's used to being overly polite or not handling confrontation, she probably heard it as:

"I know your party starts at 8. We're having dinner beforehand."

And she hoped they'd get there by 8:05, because what kind of a friend would purposely plan to come 1.5 hours later. She probably assumed they were adult enough to know their schedules and get there on time. Or maybe she thought they were rude at the time but was so shocked that she didn't know what to say.

I know I've had "friends" act similarly. I was so taken aback and had never been in a position as a host to be so insulted and used before that when the few rude people all acted like "hey, this is normal" I assumed they knew better because there were several of them acting like it was no big deal. I didn't want to overreact and have them tell me I was overreacting, so I didn't react at all. I said nothing.

Well, you've seen many of us in this thread say it's normal, so perhaps feeling insulted and used, and branding us as not adults (in comparison to the mature people who would arrive at 8:05) might be truly an overreaction. 

Danika

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #70 on: April 04, 2013, 10:49:07 PM »
"Oh are you not coming to my party at 8?  I'd really hoped that people would arrive then as it isn't an open house-style of party."

If she were quick on her feet, she might have responded this way. But if she's used to being overly polite or not handling confrontation, she probably heard it as:

"I know your party starts at 8. We're having dinner beforehand."

And she hoped they'd get there by 8:05, because what kind of a friend would purposely plan to come 1.5 hours later. She probably assumed they were adult enough to know their schedules and get there on time. Or maybe she thought they were rude at the time but was so shocked that she didn't know what to say.

I know I've had "friends" act similarly. I was so taken aback and had never been in a position as a host to be so insulted and used before that when the few rude people all acted like "hey, this is normal" I assumed they knew better because there were several of them acting like it was no big deal. I didn't want to overreact and have them tell me I was overreacting, so I didn't react at all. I said nothing.

Well, you've seen many of us in this thread say it's normal, so perhaps feeling insulted and used, and branding us as not adults (in comparison to the mature people who would arrive at 8:05) might be truly an overreaction.

Sorry. That wasn't my intent. What I meant was if there were a disconnect and the birthday girl assumed that people knew she wanted them there at the start time, then she'd figure that saying to them "the schedule you have set forth for dinner will make you late" would sound condescending, and she figured they knew their own business and would manage to arrive at the time that she wanted them to arrive.

So the miscommunication would be that she thought they knew she wanted them there at the start time. And so she didn't say anything to them about the dinner plans because she didn't think it was her business to manage their timetable.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2013, 10:51:04 PM »
Good points guys :)

I suppose that before I cast Mary and Tess into the 7th circle of e-hell I need to know more about the tone, phone call and previous group dynamic. In other words, was this truly a deliberate attempt to keep people from the party or was it an unfortunate misunderstanding as to the type/style of party?

I'd say that Lucy probably knew that 1/3 of her guest list was going to dinner - but I don't think it necessarily follows that Tess and Mary knew that it was that big a chink of the party.

I totally agree that they knew that the party was about 3 hrs long. But again, I'm not sure that they meant to arrive 1.5 hrs into it. They could have been "aiming for" arriving earlier but then....life.

Lastly - I can't find the reference to a private room. So people could have assumed that 'catered' meant - bar snacks and several tables pushed together in the main area. I can totally see myself making that assumption and then arriving to find something more formal (private room etc..) and then feeling terrible about the turn of events.

Anyways - I'm just playing devil's advocate here because I can see this being a huge misunderstanding - which while hurtful and upsetting to Lucy - wasn't a deliberate sabotage of her birthday. I do feel badly for her and hope that she's able to talk this through with her friends rationally and explain why she's upset and I hope that they can see where they may have gone wrong and issue a sincere apology.

And yeah - I keep seeing baby sabotage too!  ;D

Actually, do we know for sure that Lucy was aware that Mary and Tess have invited 7 of her guests to the dinner? Because my understanding was that Mary and Tess invited Lucy to the dinner, but didn't actually state that a whole bunch of them were going. It's possible that Lucy assumed that only Mary and Tess would be late - so having 1/3 of her guests walk in late would have been an unpleasant surprise.

saffron

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Re: Bday sabotage? More details in p. 4, 10, 27
« Reply #72 on: April 05, 2013, 05:19:43 PM »
You could be right LifeOnPluto -

I was making an assumption that somewhere in the conversation - Tess and/or Mary said something like 'hey do you want to do dinner beforehand? Jo and Beth are coming and we're thinking of calling up Annie and Todd too'

but yeah - that's a total assumption on my part.