Author Topic: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth  (Read 11548 times)

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peaches

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2013, 10:32:49 AM »
It isn't rude to decline an invitation to a wedding.

As their relationship is close, hopefully the mom-to-be was in touch with her friend to explain her decision and wish the couple well. We don't know that she didn't. And I'd expect that she sent a wedding gift.

You don't need to make anything of it, and it's best to avoid speculation.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2013, 10:37:25 AM by peaches »

thedudeabides

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2013, 10:41:36 AM »
She RSVPd no and stuck to that. It's nobody's business how she felt on the day of the wedding, and her decision to decline was between her and the bride. Not sure why anybody else would be commenting on it at all.

lady_disdain

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2013, 10:43:27 AM »
She had already declined the invitation, so she is in the clear.

A noisy, crowded wedding reception, with a lot of people who will want to hold the baby, coo over the baby or accidentally jostle the baby is not the best place for a newborn baby. It is guaranteed that the baby will fuss at some point, be overwhelmed, etc. She may still be ironing out the details of breastfeed and there may not be an appropriate place for her to feed the child. I really don't think such a young child will be happy at the reception and neither will the mother.

Lynn2000

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2013, 10:49:23 AM »
I don't see the problem. She had already declined the invitation. Before you give birth, there is no way to know how long you will take to recover. Which makes her response verey appropriate.

Just because she felt better right before the wedding does not make it okay to suddenly change her RSVP to yes. I think she was being very considerate to the wedding couple.

Besides, 1 month isn't very long. A newborn is particularly vulnerable, and I would not blame her if she didn't want to let her baby be babysat so early. Plus, going out for an hour or two is one thing, but anything longer would mean she needs to hunt for a place to pump milk before it becomes too painful. I haven't been to a wedding celebration that is shorter than 4 hours, including travelling time.

POD to this. She declined the invitation in plenty of time for the bride to adjust anything that needed adjustment (I assume the 6-weeks-before-birth was the RSVP deadline, and not later). Exactly why she declined isn't really anyone else's business. If I were a first-time mom and something came up that was scheduled a month after my official due date, I might be wary of accepting it, too. Like others said, you just never know what's going to come up--she might have accepted, then felt pressured to attend even though she really didn't feel like it, or had to cancel at the last minute. Declining when first asked was a prudent option (though of course other people in her situation might have been fine attending).

I would think if they were such close friends, Kate would already have confided her feelings of uncertainty about the impending birth to Mary, and expressed regret for being unable to attend the wedding; and Mary would thus understand why she made that choice. Sometimes timing just doesn't work out, and we have to miss things we would rather have seen. If anyone else is gossiping about it and looking down on Kate for her choice, they're the ones being rude.
~Lynn2000

Hmmmmm

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2013, 10:51:54 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.


StuffedGrapeLeaves

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2013, 10:55:05 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I didn't see it mentioned that the wedding was in the same town as the new mom.  OP just said the new mom was in the same town as relatives who can be possible babysitters. 

Even if I thought I was feeling fine and was itching to go out, going to a wedding is a totally different animal.  That would require several hours of being dressed up and possibly being away from the baby, or having to deal with a one-month-old in a more formal setting.  Assuming Kate RSVPed in time, I think she is fine.

lowspark

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2013, 10:55:47 AM »
I would neither leave my one month old child for hours to go to a social event, nor take a one month old child to a wedding. I see nothing unusual or unreasonable about her declining the invitation.

As a qualifier, I do have two children. Having children necessitates sacrifices and often means missing social events. Nothing rude about it.

Surianne

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2013, 10:57:46 AM »
I don't think it's rude for a guest to decline a wedding invitation for any reason.  And definitely not when you have a new baby.  I hope the bride was understanding; getting upset about this would seem a little ridiculous to me.

Cami

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2013, 11:03:33 AM »
The woman who had been my maid of honor scheduled her wedding for a time when I was in my 7th month of pregnancy. At the time I got her invitation, I was deep in the throes of horrible morning-noon-night sickness and had trouble making it through the day at work (and fell asleep by 7pm each night). The sickness had gone on for months. Needless to say, I was not doing ANY socializing at that time and no way was I going to any formal events and take the chance of having to bolt from the table and find a restroom in a strange place (and hope I made it there in time). After much thought, I decided to decline the wedding invitation because I was afraid that I would feel no better by the time of her wedding and I didn't want to cost her money by accepting the invitation and then canceling too late.  (As it happened, right before her wedding, I did have a brief abatement of that sickness and probably could have gone, but IMO it would have been rude to ask to accept the invitation at that late date.)

Perhaps this friend was also worried that she wouldn't feel well enough to attend the wedding at the time she had to RSVP and so declined.

« Last Edit: April 03, 2013, 11:13:26 AM by Cami »

mmswm

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2013, 11:04:00 AM »
I gave birth three times; twice via c-section. All three deliveries and recoveries were vastly different. There's really no way to know how the new mom was really feeling, as she could have been putting on a good face for the rest of the world while quietly falling apart in the privacy of her own home.

Also, she RSVP'd in the negative long before the wedding.  She likely made a very wise choice.  Maybe she did change her mind and wanted to attend, and even went to the bride to ask if it was possible then was told no.  We really have no way of knowing these things.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

bah12

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2013, 11:29:14 AM »
I don't think it matters why she chose not to go to the wedding.  She RSVP'd no and she didn't go.  She's in the clear etiquette-wise.

Now, when dealing with close friends I can definitely see hurt feelings if a friend chose not to attend a wedding for a trivial reason.  But, I think having a baby is a valid reason to miss a wedding.  First, she RSVP'd no before she gave birth.  At that time, she had no idea how the birth was going to go, when it would occur, if her and/or the baby would be healthy, etc.  Also, if she's breastfeeding, she'd have to leave often to do that...not to mention not wanting to expose the baby to germs, have babysitters so close to the birthdate, and the lack of sleep.  I think she was smart to anticipate that she wouldn't be up to a wedding so close to having a baby.

As for her stating that she had 'cabin fever' and wanted to get out.  I understand that feeling.  After giving birth, I craved going out with my girlfriends and just returning to my old life for even a second.  But, even when the opportunity presented itself, weeks after giving birth it wasn't the ideal choice for me to make.  So even though I desired to get out, as a new, breastfeeding mother with a weeks old baby, it just wasn't plausible.  So, I didn't do it...one of the many sacrifices I've made since taking on the responsibility of parenting.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2013, 11:32:27 AM »
I'd go so far as to give her an out if she has RSVP'ed that she'd go but then  had to back out.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2013, 11:40:28 AM »
I declined an invitation to a family member's wedding because it really was inconvenient for us to attend due to the munchkin.  He wasn't a newborn, rather 6 months, and at the time if he didn't get his nap when he needed it, he'd get downright cranky and the ceremony was at his naptime.  Actually I'd be more inclined to take a child a month or two old because they might even sleep through the whole ceremony.   

Plus, there was a trolley taking the congregation from the hotel to the church, where the reception was also held since there wasn't much parking, and since the invitation said there were set times I wasn't sure if we'd be able to get back to the hotel when he really needed to go down for the night. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

CakeBeret

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2013, 11:42:15 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I felt fine physically days after giving birth, and told everyone so. I battled severe PPD compounded, naturally, by screaming baby and lack of sleep. I told no one, not even my husband or closest friend, so truly no one would have known. Had I been in the new mom's situation, I would have had to trust that my friend would take my word for it and love me anyway.

1 month is a rather terrible age for this sort of thing. If you take the baby, you risk the baby screaming/fussing/needing to nurse the entire time. And leaving the baby for hours at that age ranges anywhere from "impractical" to "impossible".

As far as the RSVP issue, I think it would actually have been quite rude for New Mom to try and reverse her RSVP days before the wedding. IMO she did the right thing in RSVP'ing no, because you have no way of knowing at that point whether or not it will be feasible to attend.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2013, 11:44:52 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I didn't see it mentioned that the wedding was in the same town as the new mom.  OP just said the new mom was in the same town as relatives who can be possible babysitters. 

Even if I thought I was feeling fine and was itching to go out, going to a wedding is a totally different animal.  That would require several hours of being dressed up and possibly being away from the baby, or having to deal with a one-month-old in a more formal setting.  Assuming Kate RSVPed in time, I think she is fine.

I didn't see it either which is why I clarified that I would be hurt IF the wedding was in the same town.

I agree that it is completely her choice and she in no way broke any etiquette rules. But I would still have been a little hurt that she couldn't attend the wedding ceremony at a minimum.

With my 2 kids I did spend hours away from them when they were under 6 weeks old. I even attended an engagement party when my first child was 3 weeks old and my MIL babysat for us. Just a different parenting style that is common amongst my social circle. Since a lot of my friends went back to work full time with a 6 week old, the idea of not being away from a 1 month old for a few hours would have seemed unusual to us.