Author Topic: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth  (Read 12068 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #45 on: April 03, 2013, 07:50:18 PM »
She RSVPd no and stuck to that. It's nobody's business how she felt on the day of the wedding, and her decision to decline was between her and the bride. Not sure why anybody else would be commenting on it at all.

Agreed. There are a zillion reasons why she might have chosen to decline, from "I may feel horrible then" to "I have no dress clothes that fit and can't afford to buy them" to "I don't want to." None of them are anyone else's concern.
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NyaChan

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #46 on: April 03, 2013, 07:55:48 PM »
Invitation =/= Summons

Doesn't matter if she stayed home to watch the grass grow.  She RSVP'd No and followed through. 

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #47 on: April 03, 2013, 10:21:22 PM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I didn't see it mentioned that the wedding was in the same town as the new mom.  OP just said the new mom was in the same town as relatives who can be possible babysitters. 

Even if I thought I was feeling fine and was itching to go out, going to a wedding is a totally different animal.  That would require several hours of being dressed up and possibly being away from the baby, or having to deal with a one-month-old in a more formal setting.  Assuming Kate RSVPed in time, I think she is fine.

I didn't see it either which is why I clarified that I would be hurt IF the wedding was in the same town.

I agree that it is completely her choice and she in no way broke any etiquette rules. But I would still have been a little hurt that she couldn't attend the wedding ceremony at a minimum.

With my 2 kids I did spend hours away from them when they were under 6 weeks old. I even attended an engagement party when my first child was 3 weeks old and my MIL babysat for us. Just a different parenting style that is common amongst my social circle. Since a lot of my friends went back to work full time with a 6 week old, the idea of not being away from a 1 month old for a few hours would have seemed unusual to us.

I tend to agree with Hmmmm. If I was having a short, casual wedding ceremony close to where my friend lived, I'd be a little hurt that she decided not to attend. That said, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for the friendship.

Also, I do think that Kate (as a very close friend of Mary's) needs to acknowledge the wedding and send a gift, etc. I've heard several stories of two best friends, where one gets married first. The other friend is a bridesmaid and forks out for a dress, shoes, engagement party gift, shower gift, wedding gift, etc. Fast forward a few years later when the other friend is getting married, but the one who's already married has small children. She doesn't have the time to attend the wedding or the budget to afford numerous gifts, etc. So I can see how the other friend might feel hurt.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #48 on: April 03, 2013, 10:33:41 PM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I didn't see it mentioned that the wedding was in the same town as the new mom.  OP just said the new mom was in the same town as relatives who can be possible babysitters. 

Even if I thought I was feeling fine and was itching to go out, going to a wedding is a totally different animal.  That would require several hours of being dressed up and possibly being away from the baby, or having to deal with a one-month-old in a more formal setting.  Assuming Kate RSVPed in time, I think she is fine.

I didn't see it either which is why I clarified that I would be hurt IF the wedding was in the same town.

I agree that it is completely her choice and she in no way broke any etiquette rules. But I would still have been a little hurt that she couldn't attend the wedding ceremony at a minimum.

With my 2 kids I did spend hours away from them when they were under 6 weeks old. I even attended an engagement party when my first child was 3 weeks old and my MIL babysat for us. Just a different parenting style that is common amongst my social circle. Since a lot of my friends went back to work full time with a 6 week old, the idea of not being away from a 1 month old for a few hours would have seemed unusual to us.

I tend to agree with Hmmmm. If I was having a short, casual wedding ceremony close to where my friend lived, I'd be a little hurt that she decided not to attend. That said, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for the friendship.

Also, I do think that Kate (as a very close friend of Mary's) needs to acknowledge the wedding and send a gift, etc. I've heard several stories of two best friends, where one gets married first. The other friend is a bridesmaid and forks out for a dress, shoes, engagement party gift, shower gift, wedding gift, etc. Fast forward a few years later when the other friend is getting married, but the one who's already married has small children. She doesn't have the time to attend the wedding or the budget to afford numerous gifts, etc. So I can see how the other friend might feel hurt.

Hurt? Kate's just had a baby, by C-section. Her priority is to heal and to take care of her infant.


zyrs

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2013, 12:33:07 AM »
Actually I think she was following impeccable manners.

  She had declined the invitation 2.5 months before the wedding, so the bride already knew she would not be attending and all the place settings, food and drink had been ordered based on how many people had RSVPd 'Yes."  Yes, she could have probably worked it out with the bride, especially since she is going stir crazy, but she probably had very good reasons to do what she had already RSVPd she would do.

crella

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #50 on: April 04, 2013, 12:41:24 AM »

So ... leaving the baby out of it, because her reasons for attending or not are no one's business ... she RSVP'd that she wouldn't be able to attend ... and then didn't attend? By all means, burn her at the stake. I don't know why anyone would associate with someone so vile.

 ???

Wait, how did we go from "some friends were discussing and found it odd" to "let's burn her at the stake"?

I must have missed a post about the bride being angry or the friends starting to call her names.



I think that was in jest....by etiquette standards Kate has done nothing wrong. She RSVP'd early and clearly, and stuck to her choice not to attend despite the fact that she may have been feeling better than she anticipated when the date of the wedding rolled around.  She didn't try to re-invite herself or do anything else that could cause trouble for the bride, and so the people around her being critical have really nothing to criticize....at least that's how I read the above.

Me

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #51 on: April 04, 2013, 02:37:04 AM »

OP here, sorry for late response (different time zones!)

I found out that Kate actually RSVP with a maybe.  Not sure if that really changes the situation though.

And the wedding was in Kate's home town, both ceremony and reception.  A 15 min drive for Kate.

Regarding my friends, who would never burn anyone at the stake  :), I think they were most puzzled that she didn't perhaps just come for the ceremony.

Once again, thanks for everyone's responses.  :)

Tini

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #52 on: April 04, 2013, 02:49:54 AM »
I've had two c-sections and was not allowed to drive for six weeks after the birth. The seat belt runs right over the c-section wound and would put a lot of strain on it when the car stops suddenly. The same risk obviously exists as a passenger - when I came home from hospital, I had to put a pillow under my seat belt and was still very nervous. With my second child I rang my car insurance after four weeks stuck at home, and they told me to have a doctor check out my scar and if it was healed well enough, he could give me the okay.
All this was in the UK, so of course I don't know what the rules are where the OP is, but it might be a factor.

sparksals

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #53 on: April 04, 2013, 04:46:55 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

A  C-section is major surgery that leave a large incision that must heal.  Not to mention recovering from the anaesthetic and having a newborn, it is pretty unkind to not understand a friend may feel fine one day but be exhausted the next.   

I had major surgery 3 weeks ago.  While I feel fine, I tire very easily.  I feel fine in my lazyboy but any type of.activity is extremely tiring and painful.

The friend could have a myriad of post op issues and I would seriously reconsider a forendship if they felt their wedding was more important than my health.
Overdoing it after major surgery can have serious consequences. 


sparksals

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #54 on: April 04, 2013, 04:58:29 AM »
I'd honestly be hurt if a close friend who indicated she "felt fine" and lived in the same town where my wedding was being held chose to not attend my wedding a month after giving birth.

But it wouldn't really impact my relationship with the friend. I would assume that she had a good reason to believe attending was not pratical.

I didn't see it mentioned that the wedding was in the same town as the new mom.  OP just said the new mom was in the same town as relatives who can be possible babysitters. 

Even if I thought I was feeling fine and was itching to go out, going to a wedding is a totally different animal.  That would require several hours of being dressed up and possibly being away from the baby, or having to deal with a one-month-old in a more formal setting.  Assuming Kate RSVPed in time, I think she is fine.

I didn't see it either which is why I clarified that I would be hurt IF the wedding was in the same town.

I agree that it is completely her choice and she in no way broke any etiquette rules. But I would still have been a little hurt that she couldn't attend the wedding ceremony at a minimum.

With my 2 kids I did spend hours away from them when they were under 6 weeks old. I even attended an engagement party when my first child was 3 weeks old and my MIL babysat for us. Just a different parenting style that is common amongst my social circle. Since a lot of my friends went back to work full time with a 6 week old, the idea of not being away from a 1 month old for a few hours would have seemed unusual to us.

I tend to agree with Hmmmm. If I was having a short, casual wedding ceremony close to where my friend lived, I'd be a little hurt that she decided not to attend. That said, it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for the friendship.

Also, I do think that Kate (as a very close friend of Mary's) needs to acknowledge the wedding and send a gift, etc. I've heard several stories of two best friends, where one gets married first. The other friend is a bridesmaid and forks out for a dress, shoes, engagement party gift, shower gift, wedding gift, etc. Fast forward a few years later when the other friend is getting married, but the one who's already married has small children. She doesn't have the time to attend the wedding or the budget to afford numerous gifts, etc. So I can see how the other friend might feel hurt.

Hurt? Kate's just had a baby, by C-section. Her priority is to heal and to take care of her infant.

Pod!  I think some are forgetting that she not only has a newborn but is recovering from surgery.  She must be exhausted!  I could not imagine caring for a baby right now being in this post op condition.   

Dh and I went out for Easter brunch for a couple hours and I was exhausted!   

This poor woman needs not to be judged or shopping for an equality wedding gift and shown some respect and compassion for her situation.   

LeveeWoman

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #55 on: April 04, 2013, 08:24:21 AM »

OP here, sorry for late response (different time zones!)

I found out that Kate actually RSVP with a maybe.  Not sure if that really changes the situation though.

And the wedding was in Kate's home town, both ceremony and reception.  A 15 min drive for Kate.

Regarding my friends, who would never burn anyone at the stake  :), I think they were most puzzled that she didn't perhaps just come for the ceremony.

Once again, thanks for everyone's responses.  :)

When recovering from giving birth to a child--even without a C-section--15 minutes could just as well be 1.5 hours. With a C-section, she would not be allowed to ride in a car with the seatbelt over her incision. Another concern might be that she had nothing appropriate to wear.

It's no one's business but hers.


thedudeabides

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #56 on: April 04, 2013, 10:35:19 AM »

OP here, sorry for late response (different time zones!)

I found out that Kate actually RSVP with a maybe.  Not sure if that really changes the situation though.

And the wedding was in Kate's home town, both ceremony and reception.  A 15 min drive for Kate.

Regarding my friends, who would never burn anyone at the stake  :), I think they were most puzzled that she didn't perhaps just come for the ceremony.

Once again, thanks for everyone's responses.  :)

I think they need to get over the idea that it's any of their business whether she attended or not. That's between her and the bride.

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #57 on: April 04, 2013, 11:17:21 AM »

OP here, sorry for late response (different time zones!)

I found out that Kate actually RSVP with a maybe.  Not sure if that really changes the situation though.

And the wedding was in Kate's home town, both ceremony and reception.  A 15 min drive for Kate.

Regarding my friends, who would never burn anyone at the stake  :), I think they were most puzzled that she didn't perhaps just come for the ceremony.

Once again, thanks for everyone's responses.  :)

I think they need to get over the idea that it's any of their business whether she attended or not. That's between her and the bride.

I don't think the friends have said it was there business, just suprised she didn't attend.

Friend A: I was suprised Kate wasn't at the wedding. Have you talked to her? Is everything ok?
Friend B: I talked to her last week and she said she was feeling fine.
Friend A: Huh, I wonder if something else is going on. Her and bride are so close, I assumed she'd try to be there.
Friend B: I did too, but maybe new motherhood is tougher than we think.

Seems like a standard conversation amongst friends and about friends. The OP only said they were curious if not attending an event like a wedding after giving birth is common. It didn't appear to me they were passing judgement.

Most here have said they think it is very normal for a new mom to not want to attend a formal event. I'm one of the very few who have said that in my experience it would be out of the norm for a new mom to not be able to attend. 

Twik

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #58 on: April 04, 2013, 12:27:45 PM »
Regarding my friends, who would never burn anyone at the stake  :), I think they were most puzzled that she didn't perhaps just come for the ceremony.

No, they aren't burning people at the stake, but they are clearly gossipping about someone's private reasons for doing something entirely in the realm of etiquette. Not to mention, it would appear that the very commonsense reasons we've come up with on this board as possibilities have not been considered by them. Otherwise, this would have not been a topic of discussion for long among them.
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EllenS

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Re: Not attending close friend's wedding 1 month after giving birth
« Reply #59 on: April 04, 2013, 12:42:43 PM »
As pp's have already mentioned in one way or another, "I feel fine" 1 month after a C-Section may well mean "I don't need the prescription painkillers anymore" or "I am so excited about being able to brush my teeth without needing to lie down afterwards. "

Doesn't necessarily mean you are up for dressing up, wearing heels, doing hair & makeup and being in a crowd or at a party.