Author Topic: Rude to not postpone wedding?  (Read 16291 times)

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nuit93

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Rude to not postpone wedding?
« on: April 03, 2013, 01:43:48 PM »
A bit of background:  one of my good friends (K) is getting married for the first time, her and her FH are in their mid-30's.  K's younger sister C married a few years ago and being the first wedding in that family it was treated with a good deal of pomp and circumstance, BWW, the works.  Unlike her younger sister, K met her soul mate later in life and thus has always been assumed to be 'uninterested' in weddings and other traditional trappings.  It's actually not the case, but unfortunately any attempts by K to explain this to her family have gone ignored.

So fast forward to now, K and her FH are engaged and have settled on a location/date that's perfect for them.  C and her DH are trying to start a family. 

K announces to her parents the date they have selected for her wedding.  C is there as well, and announces her news: she's pregnant.  Her due date?  The same week as K's wedding.

K is thrilled for her sister and can't wait to be an aunt, however the date she chose as her wedding date is very important to her and her FH--plus they've already started making arrangements.  Her parents immediately expected her to change her date, because "after all, it's easy to change a City Hall appointment".  When K explained again that no, they were not going to City Hall but rather having a MSWW (Modest Sized White Wedding as opposed to a Big White Wedding since that's all they can afford), they responded by informing her that they couldn't possibly be expected to choose her event over the birth of their first grandchild and that she should have known that with her sister trying for a baby, these conflicts could happen!

C is sympathetic to her sister and wishes she could be there, but knows it probably isn't going to be likely.  They've already discussed other ways for her to at least be able to see the ceremony.  Both are rather appalled by their parents' reactions.

Still, K feels bad.  Is she rude for not having coordinated with her sister better?  Personally I think the parents are the monsters here.

TurtleDove

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2013, 01:50:30 PM »
Has K explained her reasoning for choosing the date she chose?  If she hasn't, I can understand the parents assuming that she would just pick a different date.  Without knowing why that particular date is so important, I don't really see why they wouldn't change the date so everyone they want to be there can be there. I think the parents are out of line since it's not really their business, but I also don't really understand why K and her FH would choose a particular date over the ability of people they want to witness the event.  I am not big on particular dates though.

bah12

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2013, 01:53:49 PM »
I'm going to guess that C didn't deliberately try to upstage K by getting pregnant as soon as she announced her engagement.

I think that K should get to do whatever she wants in regards to her wedding, to include the date it will be held on.  Her parents have no say in the matter.  Though, I'm sure they can figure out a way to both attend their eldest daughters wedding while anxiously anticipating (or celebrating) the birth of their first grandchild, if they choose not to attend because there's a chance the two events would conflict, that's on them.  They'd be missing out on something important.

I think that C has a good excuse to say that she likely won't attend and I think it's great that she and K are working out a way for her to still be involved in the prep in some way.  C will either have a brand new baby on the day of the wedding or will be very close to having a baby.  The grandparents on the other hand, really don't play a big part in the birth.  And while I'm sure that it will be a lot both helping one daughter prepare for a wedding and another for a baby, I really don't see how the two could conflict.  Even if the baby was born on the wedding day, mom and dad could attend the wedding and then go to the hospital afterwards to meet baby. 

It would be fine for K to choose to postpone her wedding date so that the family doesn't have two major life events happening at the same time (I may choose this method myself if possible), but I in no way think she's rude not to.  Her parents shouldn't even expect her to.  That's minimizing her news for the sake of another's and is rude.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2013, 01:54:07 PM »
Wait a minute.  K is supposed to check with her sister to make sure her wedding doesn't coincide with the date her baby is due to arrive?!  I'm not sure that's even possible.  I think K should tell her parents "Well, it's up to you.  I want you at my wedding, but if you choose not to be there I'll miss you." and continue with her plans.

I mean, what if baby is early or late?  Sometimes they take hours to arrive even if they are on time.

daen

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2013, 01:55:23 PM »
Rude? No. Absolutely not.
What would have been rude would have been K asking C about how the baby-making was going, even for the purpose of "coordinating." (I'm inclined to say especially for the purpose of coordinating. Can you picture? "Hey, sis, how's the fertility and the scrabble-playing? Why do I ask? Oh, just trying to plan my wedding date.")

Besides, babies come when they decide to come, not when the mother/father/doctor/midwife/anyone else calculate that they will arrive. C can't guarantee that Baby C will not decide to show up prematurely, nor can she promise that Baby C won't stay put for an extra two weeks.

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2013, 02:00:16 PM »
Well, since a baby can come early or late their patents probably expected K to leave the whole month (or more) free. Hopefully C will tell parents that if baby happens to come on day of wedding they will not be welcome at the hospital so they might as well go to the weddong.

bansidhe

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2013, 02:00:20 PM »
Still, K feels bad.  Is she rude for not having coordinated with her sister better?  Personally

Nope. No way could she have predicted her sister's pregnancy and due date even knowing that she was trying for a baby. I'm not sure what her parents expected her to do - maybe wait for five years or so until her sister was finished having babies?  ::)

Sounds like the parents are determined to ignore K's wishes, so it's time to K to ignore their objections and have her wedding when she wants to have it. If they sputter about not being able to attend she can say "Sorry things didn't work out. I'll be sure to send pictures."

Thank goodness C sounds like a reasonable person.
Esan ozenki!

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RebeccainGA

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2013, 02:05:24 PM »
Sounds like a lot of tales we hear on here - people that think that because they would like things a certain way, you must change to accommodate them. It's not true! You don't have to change!

It sounds like C is reasonable. Maybe K and C could approach the parents together and say "hey, we're both OK with this - why aren't you?".

TurtleDove

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2013, 02:06:45 PM »
I didn't read that the parents are upset that K had chosen a wedding date when she didn't know that her sister was due that same week.  I understood the parents to be upset that K is refusing to consider changing her wedding date now that she knows it will likely result in at least her sister missing her wedding.  To me, honestly, I don't get why K would not change the date as it would be simpler for everyone and by digging in her heels there is tension.  I would have to really understand why that particular date was so important to K.  So while I think the parents don't get a say, I totally see how they are baffled why K wouldn't just pick another date.

Roe

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2013, 02:12:34 PM »
She's not rude, of course, but if I were K, I'd probably change the date...just so I could have my parents and sister present.  It's not something she needs to do, however.

nuit93

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2013, 02:19:03 PM »
K didn't know about the pregnancy (only that they were trying) until after she announced her wedding date.  They didn't announce the date yet because they weren't sure if they could get the location they wanted on the date they wanted, and wanted to get it reserved first.

TurtleDove

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2013, 02:21:08 PM »
I still think that unless for some reason K has already paid a considerable nonrefundable deposit people will question why she does't just change the date.  Of course she doesn't have to.  But I personally think it's odd and apparently so do her parents.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2013, 02:22:19 PM »
Will the wedding be in the same geographic area as where C lives or would be the parent's be required to do overnight travel to attend the wedding?

I don't think K is rude to not change her date. She and her fiance have the right to choose any date they prefer.

Since a baby due date can't be changed, K and her fiance need to make a decision on how important it is for her family to be at the wedding. 

I can understand a mom being very torn between being available for the birth of a grandchild or attending another child's wedding if there is no way she could be physically available at both locations.  I can understand the mom hoping the offspring who can feasabily change a date would. I can also imagine being slightly put out that the child was refusing to and therefore putting her/them in the position of having to "choose" between.  But the mom has no right to demand she change her date.

My own position is that I would never want to put my mother in a position of having to make a decision like that so I would have immediately changed my date. I also wouldn't have wanted to be caught up in a wedding and potentially be gone on a honeymoon when my new neice or nephew was scheduled to be born. But also, I've never been emotionally attached to a specific date so I may not understand her strong stance of wanting to marry on that specific date. 

peaches

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2013, 02:24:27 PM »
I have mixed feelings about this one. To me, a wedding date is chosen AFTER discussion with parents on both sides. If certain people are essential to you to have at the wedding, you would discuss the date with them first. You don't just announce a date and expect everyone to fall in line.

If the couple is paying for their own wedding, they can do what they want. But they can't demand that everyone show up (even parents).

A possible pregnancy is not reason to postpone a wedding. A confirmed pregnancy might influence a couple in moving the date a bit, if the mom-to-be's attendance is very important to them. It will still be a crap shoot, because pregnancy is unpredictable. But I can imagine them taking it into consideration.

This isn't to say that they have to. I do hope the family can come up with a solution.

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2013, 02:29:36 PM »
Change the date to what? Even if the baby is full term a couple weeks before the due dayw might be impossable for C to attend. Then there is the reality  thay a premature baby or the need for bedrest could still mean C can't come. Of course the baby could come late or as a new momC might not be up to going to a wedding for the first month or more. If K "should" reschedule her wedding to make sure C can attend that is not real predictable.