Author Topic: Rude to not postpone wedding?  (Read 14972 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2013, 05:18:14 PM »
OP, what is the significance of the date K chose?  If the family members otherwise get along (and with the latest updates the speculation about the parents favoring C over K should diminish) I still don't really understand why K wouldn't want to accomodate as many people as possible.  Obviously she can keep the date, but knowing that choice is causing a rift would make me want to change it.  I don't see this as the parents favoring C over K, I see this as the reality that a wedding date can be changed but a baby is going to come more or less in nine months.

It's the date they first said "I love you" to each other.  Corny? Yeah, a bit, but also adorable IMO.

They're talking about caving a bit and moving the date out, but with the parents' attitude towards K & her FH wanting a bigger ceremony and not just a JOP wedding there's some reluctance.

Aw, that's sweet!  I still would want to smooth over the rift, though, personally.  I hope it gets worked out!  No one is "wrong" for how they feel about this but it seems like communication is an issue.

WillyNilly

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2013, 05:27:28 PM »
I think most people generally talk to the guests who are most important to them before making concrete wedding plans, so I think K was a bit silly to not consult her sister before absolutely deciding on a date. By deciding on a date first with no input, K basically said through her (and her FH's) actions they don't care if family attends or not (which sort of contributes to the idea that its not a big deal wedding... so really she isn't communicating to her family very well that a big to-do is important to her).

I think she might want to consider changing the date though, for the sake of her sister, who sounds completely supportive of K - if K's parents are supportive, it would be nice (although by no means necessary) to try to accommodate C's schedule.

Lynn2000

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2013, 05:29:00 PM »
I have mixed feelings about this one. To me, a wedding date is chosen AFTER discussion with parents on both sides. If certain people are essential to you to have at the wedding, you would discuss the date with them first. You don't just announce a date and expect everyone to fall in line.

Given K's parents' attitude toward her wedding plans in general, I'm thinking perhaps she justifiably does not regard them as essential.

I agree with both of these. I think that basic milestone event planning ought to start with the essential guests, not with the date or location. However, not everyone has essential guests, or would label the same guests as "essential" as someone else would. This comes up from time to time in threads about destination weddings and/or elopements; basically the couple can do whatever they want (as long as they're paying for it), but if someone else disagrees with their choices there could be hurt feelings. And those hurt feelings may be "reasonable," or may not be, depending on the person or situation. I think it's really hard to judge someone else's family dynamics.

If K and her FH consider her parents and sister essential guests, and would be devastated if they couldn't be there, I think they were obligated to run the date by them first before making any firm plans; I think it was foolish not to. And they should seriously consider moving the wedding, this time with their essential guests in mind.

BUT, it may well be that K considers her parents and sister to be less-than-essential, and that's why they booked the date and location before telling them about it. In which case I say don't bother changing the date, and don't try to guilt anyone into making a choice between events.

I think this coordinates well with the thread about the woman who declined to attend a wedding that was scheduled a month after her due date (she declined six weeks before she was due). Almost everyone said she was wise to decline, because you never know if the baby will be early or late, how you'll be feel when the wedding comes around, if you'll want to take the baby out, etc.. As it stands now, C is due the week of K's wedding--but it's not just a matter of moving the wedding up or down one week, or two. That wouldn't be a big enough margin to safely accommodate the birth of a child, I wouldn't think. To "ensure" that C can attend the wedding, K is looking at changing the date by months. Only she can decide if that's reasonable or not.
~Lynn2000

Memphis1986

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2013, 05:35:56 PM »
It was mentioned earlier in the thread that the parents aren't paying for Ks wedding, so why are they getting bent out of shape that she wants a white wedding? Or is it that they just aren't as echoed as they "should" or would normally be because of their excitement about the grandchild?

LilacGirl1983

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2013, 05:37:49 PM »
I wouldn't cave..people are right when they state the baby's due date is not an exact time frame..Its an educated guess at best by the medical commnity..Babies can arrive any time from 37 weeks to 42 weeks..then depending on how uncomfortable she gets she might not want to go come anytime after 32 weeks..then afterwards she will be sore and tired with a newborn for at least 4 weeks afterwards..so if you would try to plan that around you would have to avoid almost 3 months worth of time frame..I would plan it for when it was going to be..Sis can make it or not..parents I am not sure if I would want them there since they are showing Sis the preferential treatment.

gellchom

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2013, 05:39:39 PM »
I'm with TurtleDove, Roe, Hmmmmm, Lynn, and WillyNilly. 

Certainly it's not "rude" of K if she doesn't change the wedding date.  And I also agree that her parents weren't nice about this (assuming we are getting a verbatim quote of what they really said) and would be out of line to demand a change.  This sort of thing comes up all the time, and couples usually try to avoid times of other family members' weddings, graduations, and so forth -- not because it's "rude" not to, but because it makes it easier for everyone.  (Does anyone else remember the string about a couple who wanted to get married on a day that had a date that was interesting mathematically, even though it was a non-holiday Thursday or something, and they were inviting many people from out of town?  And there are couples who have personal reasons for wanting to have their weddings at sunrise on the beach, or midnight on a mountaintop.  Of course, yes, they have a right to plan a wedding any way they wish.  But they don't have the right to insist that no one is allowed to think that they are putting a frivolous reason ahead of all the guests' convenience and comfort.)

So although she doesn't have to, and no one should insist that she must, I don't see why K herself wouldn't want to change the date to some time when there isn't something else so huge happening in the immediate family.  I understand the sentimental attachment to the date they first said "I love you."  But I bet there are other significant dates on their personal calendar, and anyway, I suspect it's not THAT important to them that it be the wedding date.  They can celebrate that anniversary, too. 

Honestly, I think the real issue here is the way the parents seem to have treated the two sisters.  It's not C's fault, and I am pleased to see that K seems to understand that and not hold it against her. 

But to me the issue isn't a question of rudeness or even acquiescing to or defying parents, whether or not they are being mean or unfair.

It's about trying to make things easier for the whole family.  And K herself is probably going to want to share the excitement of the new baby, too -- and for that matter, I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to risk her own wedding be upstaged by the birth of the baby just before, or expected just after, the wedding.  If I were K, I'd definitely want to plan to maximize the chances that everyone could share fully in everything.  It would be a shame for either sister to have to try to minimize her own wonderful occasion.  And no matter how mean the parents are being about things, now or in the past, really, it's not so nice to put them in the position of possibly having to choose being with one daughter as she marries and the other as she gives birth.

Not to be a big downer here, but there is one more thing to consider.  Remember, too, that unfortunately not every pregnancy and every birth goes smoothly, some moms are in medical crisis, and some newborns are in grave medical circumstances that require surgery.  What an awful position K and her parents would be in then.  And it would cast a pall on the wedding.

bah12

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2013, 05:40:54 PM »
The thing is, C isn't the one that is insisting on a date change...and C is really the only one with a conflict.  K's parents are being ridiculous at best and if I were C, I'd be scared to death and how involved and present they plan on being during and immediately after the birth of my baby.  Heck, C may even want them to be distracted by K's wedding.

I don't think K was rude not to consult with her family members before choosing a date.  She's obviously not springing this on them at the last minute (she's at least 6 months out, right?).  She chose a date that was important to her and her FH and then told her family the date.  If she's expected to find an ideal time for her immediate family, her FH's immediate family...then where does it end.  She can't forget about her best friends, grandparents, Aunt Ethel who's always been there for her, etc.
This is her special day and if it's important to her friends and family, they can start making arrangements and fixing their schedules so they can be there...and if they can't, that's ok too.  But it's pretty awful, IMO, for anyone to say "Change your wedding date to accommodate me."

And I'm trying to picture how this conversation with C was supposed to go.  "C, I know you are trying to get pregnant.  How's that going?  I'm planning my wedding and I need there not to be any conflicts.  What date works for you?"

"Well K, thanks for asking.  Not pregnant yet, but I'm going to keep trying so can you hold off until I'm successful and then plan for something a good 6 to 9 months later to make sure that everything is fine with the baby and I'll be up for going."

It just doesn't seem to work.  Since K and C are already discussing ways for C to see the ceremony, then I think that K is in the clear.  She knows her sister cares and wants to be part of it in any way she can.  If I were K, that would mean as much to me as her attending. 

If only we could say her parents (who have zero conflict) are being that reasonable.

*inviteseller

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #37 on: April 03, 2013, 05:45:09 PM »
These parents sound like winners.  They are not even listening to their daughter when she tries to tell them it isn't a courthouse wedding and now, they want her to put off her wedding for the birth of their grandchild?  Then maybe the sister and her husband have another life changing event...should she change all her plans again?  I say go ahead with the wedding on the day they want, especially because her sister is not concerned (and spring for a videographer so she can see the wedding if she can't make it) and if the parents think it is more important to sit home and wait for a phone call of the possible birth, then so be it.  The other daughter must be so smothered by these two !  They are not going to be in the delivery room for goodness sakes and they are lucky to have one daughter getting married and another having a baby in the same week.

Also...in my reading, it seems as if the bride was making plans for this date before she knew her sister was pregnant.  So she may have already told the family, but the parents don't seem to be listening to her anyways

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #38 on: April 03, 2013, 05:51:44 PM »
OP, what is the significance of the date K chose?  If the family members otherwise get along (and with the latest updates the speculation about the parents favoring C over K should diminish) I still don't really understand why K wouldn't want to accomodate as many people as possible.  Obviously she can keep the date, but knowing that choice is causing a rift would make me want to change it.  I don't see this as the parents favoring C over K, I see this as the reality that a wedding date can be changed but a baby is going to come more or less in nine months.

It's the date they first said "I love you" to each other.  Corny? Yeah, a bit, but also adorable IMO.

They're talking about caving a bit and moving the date out, but with the parents' attitude towards K & her FH wanting a bigger ceremony and not just a JOP wedding there's some reluctance.

Aw, that's sweet!  I still would want to smooth over the rift, though, personally.  I hope it gets worked out!  No one is "wrong" for how they feel about this but it seems like communication is an issue.

I have to say that I think the parents are wrong in saying that she has automatically aged out of anything but a courthouse wedding.  And I suspect that with that attitude once they agree to move it mom and dad will expect them to schedule around all sorts of other events that are also more important.

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #39 on: April 03, 2013, 05:53:39 PM »
I think most people generally talk to the guests who are most important to them before making concrete wedding plans, so I think K was a bit silly to not consult her sister before absolutely deciding on a date. By deciding on a date first with no input, K basically said through her (and her FH's) actions they don't care if family attends or not (which sort of contributes to the idea that its not a big deal wedding... so really she isn't communicating to her family very well that a big to-do is important to her).

I think she might want to consider changing the date though, for the sake of her sister, who sounds completely supportive of K - if K's parents are supportive, it would be nice (although by no means necessary) to try to accommodate C's schedule.

What's to say she didn't?  Sis is only now announcing her pregnancy to anyone so if they brought it up a few weeks ago in the planning stage sis might not have said anything, might not even had known anything.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #40 on: April 03, 2013, 05:57:05 PM »
The thing is, C isn't the one that is insisting on a date change...and C is really the only one with a conflict.   K's parents are being ridiculous at best and if I were C, I'd be scared to death and how involved and present they plan on being during and immediately after the birth of my baby.  Heck, C may even want them to be distracted by K's wedding.

I don't think K was rude not to consult with her family members before choosing a date.  She's obviously not springing this on them at the last minute (she's at least 6 months out, right?).  She chose a date that was important to her and her FH and then told her family the date.  If she's expected to find an ideal time for her immediate family, her FH's immediate family...then where does it end.  She can't forget about her best friends, grandparents, Aunt Ethel who's always been there for her, etc.
This is her special day and if it's important to her friends and family, they can start making arrangements and fixing their schedules so they can be there...and if they can't, that's ok too.  But it's pretty awful, IMO, for anyone to say "Change your wedding date to accommodate me."

And I'm trying to picture how this conversation with C was supposed to go.  "C, I know you are trying to get pregnant.  How's that going?  I'm planning my wedding and I need there not to be any conflicts.  What date works for you?"

"Well K, thanks for asking.  Not pregnant yet, but I'm going to keep trying so can you hold off until I'm successful and then plan for something a good 6 to 9 months later to make sure that everything is fine with the baby and I'll be up for going."

It just doesn't seem to work.  Since K and C are already discussing ways for C to see the ceremony, then I think that K is in the clear.  She knows her sister cares and wants to be part of it in any way she can.  If I were K, that would mean as much to me as her attending. 

If only we could say her parents (who have zero conflict) are being that reasonable.

I guess that perspective is based on family dynamics. In my family it would be perfectly reasonable to expect the mom and grandfather to be at the hospital when the baby is born and to be available to help out when the baby comes home.

If that is the case in this family, the mom is going to spend the next 6-7 months hoping that the baby doesn't come until after the wedding. I know I'd feel aweful if I had to tell my DD who had just delivered a child "Sorry, sweetie, I've got to leave now to go to your sister's wedding."  While I'm sure my DD would understand, it would still be hard to do. Or worse for them to get a call during the ceremony that the baby been delivered, but the grandparents can't leave because they are at a wedding or if they did leave, they'd feel like they were abadoning one DD for the other. 

That's just additional worry and stress I'd never had wanted to put my mom through.  And my mom would have stressed about it. She never wanted one of us to feel less loved then another so trying to balance to things like this would have drove her a little bonkers.

 

fountainof

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #41 on: April 03, 2013, 06:01:30 PM »
Sometimes dates cannot be easily changed.  For example I married in early Oct. (many many years ago :))  If I had to change a date because my Sis was having a baby when could I switch to, July or August?  I likely wouldn't have been able to get a place for then as those are prime wedding months and I only planned my wedding about 7 months in advance.  Where I live weddings just don't happen over the winter so if my parents wanted a +- 4 weeks range I would have had to wait until May the following year to get married!  That is a long time when you want to get married so I can see how some dates cannot be easily moved.

I think the timing of a baby coming varies widely and the chance of it being the exact same day is unlikely.  I don't see how the parents cannot do both.  The Sis seems fine about it and it is her baby.

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #42 on: April 03, 2013, 06:02:36 PM »
The thing is, C isn't the one that is insisting on a date change...and C is really the only one with a conflict.   K's parents are being ridiculous at best and if I were C, I'd be scared to death and how involved and present they plan on being during and immediately after the birth of my baby.  Heck, C may even want them to be distracted by K's wedding.

I don't think K was rude not to consult with her family members before choosing a date.  She's obviously not springing this on them at the last minute (she's at least 6 months out, right?).  She chose a date that was important to her and her FH and then told her family the date.  If she's expected to find an ideal time for her immediate family, her FH's immediate family...then where does it end.  She can't forget about her best friends, grandparents, Aunt Ethel who's always been there for her, etc.
This is her special day and if it's important to her friends and family, they can start making arrangements and fixing their schedules so they can be there...and if they can't, that's ok too.  But it's pretty awful, IMO, for anyone to say "Change your wedding date to accommodate me."

And I'm trying to picture how this conversation with C was supposed to go.  "C, I know you are trying to get pregnant.  How's that going?  I'm planning my wedding and I need there not to be any conflicts.  What date works for you?"

"Well K, thanks for asking.  Not pregnant yet, but I'm going to keep trying so can you hold off until I'm successful and then plan for something a good 6 to 9 months later to make sure that everything is fine with the baby and I'll be up for going."

It just doesn't seem to work.  Since K and C are already discussing ways for C to see the ceremony, then I think that K is in the clear.  She knows her sister cares and wants to be part of it in any way she can.  If I were K, that would mean as much to me as her attending. 

If only we could say her parents (who have zero conflict) are being that reasonable.

I guess that perspective is based on family dynamics. In my family it would be perfectly reasonable to expect the mom and grandfather to be at the hospital when the baby is born and to be available to help out when the baby comes home.

If that is the case in this family, the mom is going to spend the next 6-7 months hoping that the baby doesn't come until after the wedding. I know I'd feel aweful if I had to tell my DD who had just delivered a child "Sorry, sweetie, I've got to leave now to go to your sister's wedding."  While I'm sure my DD would understand, it would still be hard to do. Or worse for them to get a call during the ceremony that the baby been delivered, but the grandparents can't leave because they are at a wedding or if they did leave, they'd feel like they were abadoning one DD for the other. 

That's just additional worry and stress I'd never had wanted to put my mom through.  And my mom would have stressed about it. She never wanted one of us to feel less loved then another so trying to balance to things like this would have drove her a little bonkers.

In my family it is reasonable for the grandparents (and aunts/uncles to be there when the baby is born too).  It is also reasonable to be there in the days or even weeks after.  The reality is that it is also possible to have the baby early - weeks or even a couple of months.  So that would mean as the much older sister who has never been married I would have to alter my plans by several months to make sure there was no conflict. That is the last thing my sisters would want.  Especially since I could leave the wedding on the scheduled date and it is just as possible everyone would be there for the baby's birth because babies don't come on schedule.

WillyNilly

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #43 on: April 03, 2013, 06:05:05 PM »
...And I'm trying to picture how this conversation with C was supposed to go.  "C, I know you are trying to get pregnant.  How's that going?  I'm planning my wedding and I need there not to be any conflicts.  What date works for you?"

"Well K, thanks for asking.  Not pregnant yet, but I'm going to keep trying so can you hold off until I'm successful and then plan for something a good 6 to 9 months later to make sure that everything is fine with the baby and I'll be up for going."

It just doesn't seem to work...

well yeah that's a weird conversation.

but hundreds of millions of people have totally non-weird conversations about their wedding plans every day.
K: So we are thinking of mid-October for the wedding, its not planned for sure yet, but we'll be trying to lock down a date by next week... we're just checking to see if anyone important to us has any conflicts around then.

C: Mid-October? Hmmm, ok... but just to be candid, we have been trying to get pregnant for a while and if all goes as planned we might not be able to make it then, as I'd be due around then... no official news yet though [big grin]

katycoo

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #44 on: April 03, 2013, 06:20:12 PM »
Are K and C close?  If I found out my sister could not come to my wedding, I would move it simply because it is important to me that she be there.  I'm all for sentimental dates but I can't imagine a date being more important than my sister.

Also, is K's wedding going to be some distance from where C lives?  I'd be miffed if my parents chose to not to attend because of an impendng birth, unless C was single and my mum was going to be her birth partner.  Can they not do both?