Author Topic: Rude to not postpone wedding?  (Read 16341 times)

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bah12

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #60 on: April 03, 2013, 09:26:47 PM »
The thing is, C isn't the one that is insisting on a date change...and C is really the only one with a conflict.   K's parents are being ridiculous at best and if I were C, I'd be scared to death and how involved and present they plan on being during and immediately after the birth of my baby.  Heck, C may even want them to be distracted by K's wedding.

I don't think K was rude not to consult with her family members before choosing a date.  She's obviously not springing this on them at the last minute (she's at least 6 months out, right?).  She chose a date that was important to her and her FH and then told her family the date.  If she's expected to find an ideal time for her immediate family, her FH's immediate family...then where does it end.  She can't forget about her best friends, grandparents, Aunt Ethel who's always been there for her, etc.
This is her special day and if it's important to her friends and family, they can start making arrangements and fixing their schedules so they can be there...and if they can't, that's ok too.  But it's pretty awful, IMO, for anyone to say "Change your wedding date to accommodate me."

And I'm trying to picture how this conversation with C was supposed to go.  "C, I know you are trying to get pregnant.  How's that going?  I'm planning my wedding and I need there not to be any conflicts.  What date works for you?"

"Well K, thanks for asking.  Not pregnant yet, but I'm going to keep trying so can you hold off until I'm successful and then plan for something a good 6 to 9 months later to make sure that everything is fine with the baby and I'll be up for going."

It just doesn't seem to work.  Since K and C are already discussing ways for C to see the ceremony, then I think that K is in the clear.  She knows her sister cares and wants to be part of it in any way she can.  If I were K, that would mean as much to me as her attending. 

If only we could say her parents (who have zero conflict) are being that reasonable.

I guess that perspective is based on family dynamics. In my family it would be perfectly reasonable to expect the mom and grandfather to be at the hospital when the baby is born and to be available to help out when the baby comes home.

If that is the case in this family, the mom is going to spend the next 6-7 months hoping that the baby doesn't come until after the wedding. I know I'd feel aweful if I had to tell my DD who had just delivered a child "Sorry, sweetie, I've got to leave now to go to your sister's wedding."  While I'm sure my DD would understand, it would still be hard to do. Or worse for them to get a call during the ceremony that the baby been delivered, but the grandparents can't leave because they are at a wedding or if they did leave, they'd feel like they were abadoning one DD for the other. 

That's just additional worry and stress I'd never had wanted to put my mom through.  And my mom would have stressed about it. She never wanted one of us to feel less loved then another so trying to balance to things like this would have drove her a little bonkers.

In my family it is reasonable for the grandparents (and aunts/uncles to be there when the baby is born too).  It is also reasonable to be there in the days or even weeks after.  The reality is that it is also possible to have the baby early - weeks or even a couple of months.  So that would mean as the much older sister who has never been married I would have to alter my plans by several months to make sure there was no conflict. That is the last thing my sisters would want.  Especially since I could leave the wedding on the scheduled date and it is just as possible everyone would be there for the baby's birth because babies don't come on schedule.

I'm not saying I would try to remove all possibility of a conflict, but the most probable. Most babies arrive within a few weeks of the estimated delivery, so I'd try to avoid scheduling for those 4 weeks.

I'd be looking at the dates based on risk, probability of occurrence and impact if it did occur. The further away I schedule from her due date, the less probability of a conflict.

You can never schedule around every unknown factor. But I do like to schedule around known factors.

But in doing that, you're only scheduling for your own conflict (being there for the birth) not your daughter's (which would several more weeks...some before, more after) surrounding that birth.  I think if you're going to ask someone to schedule around a birth, you should take into considertion the mother (not just your desire to be there that day) and you're looking at a much longer time frame than just a month.  It becomes more difficult.  Someone may choose to do that for you, but if they don't, it's not rude.  The request really is more than you're giving credit. 

mmswm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #61 on: April 03, 2013, 09:30:19 PM »
I'm in the "Keep the wedding date" camp.  Even my mother, who we all know has some issues, was able to balance conflicting demands of major events in her children's lives.

My oldest son wasn't due until June.  At the time we lived in different states.  My sister, who went to a university in our hometown was set to graduate in May.  I went into premature labor two days before her graduation.  My mother jumped in her car, drove to where I was, stayed through the birth/transfer to NICU at a hospital two hours away, hung out with the baby until the last minute, jumped in her car again, drove to the graduation, attended the graduation and then the dinner party afterwards, caught an hour nap and drove back to me since I was having some major PPD issues mostly triggered by the fact that I was two hours away from my baby and my own health problems kept me from being released for 4 days.  The distance between my hometown and where I was living was about 12.5 hours, so this wasn't a quick trip for her, but both of her daughters were important and so she did what she had to do.

If K and C's mother really wants to be there for both of her daughters, she'll find a way to do it and stop making excuses.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #62 on: April 03, 2013, 09:49:07 PM »
snip

I'm not saying I would try to remove all possibility of a conflict, but the most probable. Most babies arrive within a few weeks of the estimated delivery, so I'd try to avoid scheduling for those 4 weeks.

I'd be looking at the dates based on risk, probability of occurrence and impact if it did occur. The further away I schedule from her due date, the less probability of a conflict.

You can never schedule around every unknown factor. But I do like to schedule around known factors.

But in doing that, you're only scheduling for your own conflict (being there for the birth) not your daughter's (which would several more weeks...some before, more after) surrounding that birth.  I think if you're going to ask someone to schedule around a birth, you should take into considertion the mother (not just your desire to be there that day) and you're looking at a much longer time frame than just a month.  It becomes more difficult.  Someone may choose to do that for you, but if they don't, it's not rude.  The request really is more than you're giving credit.

As I've said, I'm stating what I would do. My focus would be on trying to reduce probability of  conflict for my mother. That would be my initial focus. And as other posters have stated, the sister hasn't raised a concern about not being able to attend the wedding, it's been the bride's mother who is concerned.

But even with that, based on experience with the women who's given birth in my family, the probability of  one of us not being able to attend a function that didn't require travel up to the day of delivery would be very low. My sisters and cousins all had easy pregnancies. We all also had easy recoveries and were pretty darn active immediately after delivery.

But what I would really do because I'm very close to my sisters would be to move the date up or out for a minimum of 3 months so that we'd be very confident that she could attend.

That's my position. Etiquette does not dictate the bride change her date. The parent's nor sister should request her to change her date.

But my initial reaction upon hearing the news would be to go home and call fiance and say "Bad news, we have to change the date".  I would probably even take a financial hit if I'd already put down a deposit. But I understand that not everyone has this same reaction.

My respone was to the point someone made that the only people impacted was the sisters. Yes, they may be the only ones who miss each other's big events. But juggling both events so close together also impacts the other family members. 

Yes, it is very unlikely the birth will occur on the same day as the wedding or rehearsal dinner. But I can't imagine being able to focus solely on my wedding if my sister was off giving birth and the closer my wedding date is to the birth, the more likely it is to occur.  Or even false labor occuring. And while my Mom would have sat in the front pew and showed all signs of her attention being solely focused on my wedding, I would know that part of her brain and heart would be with her other daughter worrying about her well being should she be in active labor or even false labor.

gellchom

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #63 on: April 03, 2013, 09:51:03 PM »
It occurs to me that we are all picturing such different situations. 

I was baffled by posts that said that it would seem weird to discuss dates with immediate family before committing and that a mother of the bride's time commitment is only 12 hours max. 

My point isn't that those posters are wrong.  Not at all!  But they are picturing very different scenarios than I, and it seems many other posters, are.

Some weddings are small, and everyone lives in or near the same city, and there aren't many out of town guests, so the wedding is a few-hours event, and the parents are coming in from out of town, and the bride and groom are doing all the planning, and it's a family and community in which weddings are not so family-focused as in others, and the bride and her parents don't have the best relationship.  So, yeah, then, maybe, 12 hours.

But not all weddings are like that. Some weddings are family-centric gatherings 200 people, and in a city where one set of parents but NO ONE else lives, and the parents are hosting, and there are a hundred and fifty out of town guests coming for a three-day weekend, and the custom in their family and community is to entertain all of them the whole weekend.  (I have just described my son's wedding a year and a half ago, and probably my daughter's wedding next year.)  Twelve hours?  Yeah, right!  Sometimes I feel like my daughter is expecting me to focus on it 12 hours a DAY!  (I'm not complaining; it's fun doing the planning together.)  She absolutely checked the date with everyone before choosing it, let alone making any deposits.  She even asked her brother and sister-in-law if it was okay with them if she chose Labor Day weekend, as they had.

Ditto babies.  When my children were born, my mother came for a few days before the due date to grocery shop, cook, and learn how our house runs so she could run things and take care of the other visitors and let us rest and focus on the baby.  And I was so glad she was there for the births, too -- even in the room the second time.  She was such a huge help.  The second time, I had preeclampsia, and had to lie down for a week before the birth; I don't know how we would have managed without her, especially with a preschooler to care for.  She sure couldn't have left to go help someone with a wedding.

But in other families, the grandparents are the very last people the parents want around at a birth.  And there is nothing wrong with simply wanting privacy. 

My point is that we are all looking at a different part of the elephant, as it were.  In my family, it would really seem strange not to precheck a wedding date -- but look how many posters say it is exactly the opposite in their families.  And in my family, I can't imagine someone not changing a wedding date from a sister's due date week (just for the sake of it being the date of the first "I love you" -- it would be very different if there were some compelling reason that would be really hard to get around).  Not because it would be seen as rude not to, but because both sisters would want very much to maximize the chances that they could be at each other's events, in addition to trying not to make it too hard on the parents.  But not every family is like that, and what would work for some would not work for others at ALL.

I do think that just because it would be POSSIBLE for the parents to juggle everything, it's not unreasonable or "making excuses" to prefer to space out the events a bit. 

K knows her family, she knows how much she cares if C can attend her wedding, and she knows what will work best for her and for them.  And I'm sure that's what she will do!

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #64 on: April 03, 2013, 09:53:25 PM »
So let's say that you eliminate a couple weeks on either side of the due date.  Then there are probably at least a couple weeks post partum. You are probably expected to avoid any holiday weekends.  And once you eliminate those dates there is a chance you might run into a conflict with other family members, maybe even somebody on the groom's side.

I guess they could always wait an entire calender year so they can hit the significant date again.  When you are as old as K does it really matter? Of course, C might be pregnant again by then...

JenJay

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #65 on: April 03, 2013, 10:04:07 PM »
OP, is there some reason why C & K's parents would have to choose to either attend the wedding or be nearby for the birth? Will the wedding be more than a few hours drive from where C will deliver?

The odds that the baby will be born on the same day as, let alone within hours of, the wedding have got to be so slim. I can see if the wedding will be a full days drive or longer then the grandparents-to-be might be fretting over what to do. I don't think K should change her date, but she might need to prepare for the possibility that her sister, BIL and parents won't be there.  :-\

KenveeB

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #66 on: April 03, 2013, 10:04:08 PM »
Why is K the bad guy for not checking with her sister? C knew that K was planning a wedding. Why shouldn't she have checked with K to make sure of potential wedding dates before trying to get pregnant? If you think that's bizarre and intrusive, then why is it okay to make K check on her sister's family planning before setting her date?

I think that K's parents are sending out a very clear message that K simply isn't the important sister. She is supposed to do all the checking and accommodating of her life's major events so that C can have the spotlight. That's ridiculous. C doesn't care about it or think that K is being unreasonable, so the parents should also be able to accept it. If I were K, I would tell my parents very frankly, "I'm hurt that you don't seem to think my finding the man of my dreams and getting married is important. You don't think I should have the wedding I want to have, and you're creating this conflict with C's due date when C is completely fine with it. Either come to my wedding or don't, but I'm tired of you creating so much drama around it."

gramma dishes

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #67 on: April 03, 2013, 10:12:32 PM »
...

I think that K's parents are sending out a very clear message that K simply isn't the important sister. She is supposed to do all the checking and accommodating of her life's major events so that C can have the spotlight. ...

That was my reaction too.  They seemed to "forget" (repeatedly) that this was a smaller than C's, but still traditional wedding.  Not a JP courthouse wedding.  They immediately reacted to the current dilemma with an immediate assumption that K would and should change her wedding date to accommodate C's approximate delivery date.  It sounds like they really don't seem to care much about K at all, or even listen to her.  C is apparently the golden child here.

Fortunately K and C seem to love each other very much and so far there are no apparent hard feelings between them, but I have a feeling that's just because they are great young women who somehow have managed to deal on their own terms with the parents' rather obvious partiality. 

Bluenomi

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #68 on: April 03, 2013, 10:18:50 PM »
So let's say that you eliminate a couple weeks on either side of the due date.  Then there are probably at least a couple weeks post partum. You are probably expected to avoid any holiday weekends.  And once you eliminate those dates there is a chance you might run into a conflict with other family members, maybe even somebody on the groom's side.

I guess they could always wait an entire calender year so they can hit the significant date again.  When you are as old as K does it really matter? Of course, C might be pregnant again by then...

Yes, it can matter more at her age. She and her partner might be planning kids as soon as they are married and an extra years wait could have serious impact on their fertility. Not to mention delaying your wedding a whole year just because your sister is pregnant is nuts.

If K and C are happy to sort things out between them, it isn't the parents business. The only people who get to pick the wedding date are the bride and groom. If the sister really wanted to be there, she should have let them know she was pregant earlier since she knew they were engaged and working out a date. She didn't so she's clearly not too bothered.

The parents have clearly shown they don't give a rats about K since they think she's only entitled to a court house wedding and think that someone else having a baby means they have to move the wedding. The only baby they should move their wedding for would be their own!

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #69 on: April 03, 2013, 10:23:46 PM »
So let's say that you eliminate a couple weeks on either side of the due date.  Then there are probably at least a couple weeks post partum. You are probably expected to avoid any holiday weekends.  And once you eliminate those dates there is a chance you might run into a conflict with other family members, maybe even somebody on the groom's side.

I guess they could always wait an entire calender year so they can hit the significant date again.  When you are as old as K does it really matter? Of course, C might be pregnant again by then...

Yes, it can matter more at her age. She and her partner might be planning kids as soon as they are married and an extra years wait could have serious impact on their fertility. Not to mention delaying your wedding a whole year just because your sister is pregnant is nuts.

If K and C are happy to sort things out between them, it isn't the parents business. The only people who get to pick the wedding date are the bride and groom. If the sister really wanted to be there, she should have let them know she was pregant earlier since she knew they were engaged and working out a date. She didn't so she's clearly not too bothered.

The parents have clearly shown they don't give a rats about K since they think she's only entitled to a court house wedding and think that someone else having a baby means they have to move the wedding. The only baby they should move their wedding for would be their own!

That was sarcasm, sorry if I was unclear. 

zyrs

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #70 on: April 04, 2013, 01:08:35 AM »
I think that K's parents are sending out a very clear message that K simply isn't the important sister.

This is what I picked up as well.  It's the ignoring what type of wedding that K wants that really drives it home.

If I were K, I'd figure out how to virtually have C witness the wedding as it happens.  And I probably wouldn't invite my parents.  But then my wife and I eloped to avoid family drama.


LifeOnPluto

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2013, 07:02:01 AM »
Where is the wedding taking place? If it's in the same city/town as C lives, I think the parents are overreacting.

If it's in a different location, I can see how the parents might feel torn. They have a choice between staying close to C, or travelling to the location where K is getting married.

Actually, I just re-read my last paragraph. From the information in the OP, it sounds like it's a no-brainer - the parents are probably going to choose to stick close to C, no matter what.

So if K is getting married in a different location, and she's not prepared to move the wedding date, she'll simply have to accept the fact that none of her immediate family are going to be there. It sucks, but there you have it.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #72 on: April 04, 2013, 11:50:08 AM »
So let's say that you eliminate a couple weeks on either side of the due date.  Then there are probably at least a couple weeks post partum. You are probably expected to avoid any holiday weekends.  And once you eliminate those dates there is a chance you might run into a conflict with other family members, maybe even somebody on the groom's side.I guess they could always wait an entire calender year so they can hit the significant date again.  When you are as old as K does it really matter? Of course, C might be pregnant again by then...

But from what I can tell, the couple isn't concerned about running into conflict with any one else's schedule.

But to play along, let's say the sister is due the week of Jan 6th with the original date being Jan 11th, about 7 months out.  I'd probably start looking at the dates of Nov 10th - 24th or push it and look at Feb 15th - Mar 15th.  Still gives me lots of options to find a weekend that doesn't conflict with other family events if that is of a concern to me.

Believe, me if their date was a hard and fast date because of other work, school, or another factor like grooms sister will be in the country that weekend only and they've already committed to having the wedding when she is available, I wouldn't worry about the date. But I'm not enough of a romantic to prioritze an emotionally attachment to a date to not even consider moving the date.

I don't know this family dynamics. It could be that the bride has always played second fiddle to her sister and just doesn't want to do it again. That's fine, I'm not saying she needs to. I'm just stating what I would do.

Sharnita

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #73 on: April 04, 2013, 11:58:26 AM »
So let's say that you eliminate a couple weeks on either side of the due date.  Then there are probably at least a couple weeks post partum. You are probably expected to avoid any holiday weekends.  And once you eliminate those dates there is a chance you might run into a conflict with other family members, maybe even somebody on the groom's side.I guess they could always wait an entire calender year so they can hit the significant date again.  When you are as old as K does it really matter? Of course, C might be pregnant again by then...

But from what I can tell, the couple isn't concerned about running into conflict with any one else's schedule.

But to play along, let's say the sister is due the week of Jan 6th with the original date being Jan 11th, about 7 months out.  I'd probably start looking at the dates of Nov 10th - 24th or push it and look at Feb 15th - Mar 15th.  Still gives me lots of options to find a weekend that doesn't conflict with other family events if that is of a concern to me.

Believe, me if their date was a hard and fast date because of other work, school, or another factor like grooms sister will be in the country that weekend only and they've already committed to having the wedding when she is available, I wouldn't worry about the date. But I'm not enough of a romantic to prioritze an emotionally attachment to a date to not even consider moving the date.

I don't know this family dynamics. It could be that the bride has always played second fiddle to her sister and just doesn't want to do it again. That's fine, I'm not saying she needs to. I'm just stating what I would do.

That only works if nobody else on either side has planned a wedding/baby/tavel/event during that time.  Or if weather isn't an issue during that time. Or if the HC themselves don't have conflicts during that time.  And that the venue they need  is available.  Having all of those needs converge seem pretty unlikely to me. 

Secret

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #74 on: April 04, 2013, 12:05:34 PM »
It sounds to me like the parents watch too much TV.  Babies always seem to come in the middle of a wedding ceremony.  I feel bad for K, but she and her sister seem to have an understanding. Besides, the parents can easily arrange for both with i'm going to say 86% certainty  ;).  I am going to be 8 mothns pregnant at a family wedding and with  my first kid having to be evicted from the womb late, I had no second thoughts that I may not attend. However, after reading this thread, I am getting second thoughts that I may be too confident!