Author Topic: Rude to not postpone wedding?  (Read 15538 times)

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artk2002

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #105 on: April 07, 2013, 11:18:23 AM »
The thinng is - these parents apparently don't think a woman over 30 should have a weeding like this, period.  It sounds like they would object whether it conflicted with her sister's due date, their bridge club or a sale at Art Van.

If the question in the subject line "Is it rude to diminish a weddings importance because of couple's age." that's what I would be discussing.

However, the subject is about postponement. And I don't think it's rude to not postpone, it would be something I would consider and not flat out say no.

(I think I've been facilitating too many meetings recently and trying to keep people on topic. I'm starting to repeat myself and not adding any value to this discussion anymore.)

The postponement wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for the diminishing of the importance of the wedding -- it may not be literally in the subject line, but it is strongly implied, so it's a very valid topic. We don't restrict our discussions here to the exact original question or subject line. You don't need to keep us "on topic" here -- nobody's  been drifting.
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Syrse

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #106 on: April 07, 2013, 01:10:36 PM »
It's been said before, but where on earth would you postpone to? A baby can come early, a baby can come late. So that's the month before and the month after, gone. Then there's the new baby, not being able to trade the house for a crowd in the first two months because of vaccinations and such. And that's assuming both baby and mom are recovering absolutely marvelous.

Are you supposed to get married a year after?  ???

How about the sister gives you her regrets, tries to be there unless baby suddenly decides to show up, and everybody just calm the heck down. In the incredible off chance that the baby gets born on the wedding day, you'll have a neat story to tell.

kareng57

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #107 on: April 07, 2013, 01:41:40 PM »
I personally don't get the idea that everyone in the family has to drop everything and sit at the hospital while they wait for someone ELSE to give birth. I just don't get it. You can wait at home as easily as you can wait there; even if medical complications arose, you wouldn't be allowed in the room anyway--might as well wait at home. And the dad can call you very nearly as soon as you'd hear if you were waiting in the hallway.

I completely agree!  I'm always amazed when I watch TV shows and as soon as the mother goes into labour every person she's ever met in her life suddenly rushes off to the hospital. How boring to sit in a waiting room for 12-24 hours (although on TV, labour usually end up only being 1 contraction long; however, I must confess my babies were both within an hour of arriving the hospital). My mother was present for my first son's birth but not the second; it has made no difference to the 'bonding' or the experience at all.

If I went into labour on my sister's wedding day, I would expect/insist on my parents going to the wedding. And what a great story to tell - new in-law and new grandchild, or new spouse and new niece or nephew, on the same day!


It's not just on TV, there are families who really do this.  I had a co-worker take two vacation days while her niece was in labour; there was indeed the entire extended family in the waiting room.  I too don't get it - it's much more comfortable to do the waiting at home.

gramma dishes

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #108 on: April 07, 2013, 02:03:58 PM »
It's not just on TV, there are families who really do this.  I had a co-worker take two vacation days while her niece was in labour; there was indeed the entire extended family in the waiting room.  I too don't get it - it's much more comfortable to do the waiting at home.

Times really have changed a LOT.  I had mine in the late 1960's and early 1970's.  Back then, believe it or not, the mother could only have ONE person (preferably her husband) in the waiting room.  Exceptions were made only for substituting one other family member in case the husband was in the military or for some other reason couldn't be there.

And the words "waiting room" are not a mistype.  I did not mean to say 'delivery room'.  For the first two babies, even the Daddy could not actually see (except through a glass window) or touch the baby until it left the hospital.  NO ONE except the mother and the medical staff were allowed in the delivery room.

By baby #3, Daddy could be in the delivery room and witness the birth, and he carried the baby into the recovery room himself and held her the whole time we were in there.  Then she came and lived in my hospital room with me, and her Daddy could see and hold her anytime he wanted.  But even then, other people were not allowed to come anywhere near the baby.

It would never have occurred to me to have either my own or my husband's parents present at the birth.  (And obviously it wouldn't have been allowed -- so no problems!)  But it is amazing to me how much things changed even during the few years between my first and last.   It almost seems like everyone now thinks they're "entitled" to hang around the hospital, be in the birthing room, play 'pass the baby around' immediately after its birth and so on. 

I'm not sure which way is better.  I think it's nice to have choices, but I do wonder sometimes if the mothers themselves actually have much say so in these situations anymore.  It seems like outsiders are maybe forcing their own wishes and expectations on the parents at a vulnerable time.

mmswm

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #109 on: April 07, 2013, 02:11:29 PM »
I was allowed to have a list of people who I didn't want anywhere near me, and considering the fact that he'd abandoned me while I was pregnant, my ex-husband was on that list for baby #3. The hospital was actually wonderful about that.  My ex showed up at the hospital once to visit the baby (after I'd been discharged) and they called me to let me know he was there just in case I was on my way and wanted to avoid him. I told them to call me when he left.

And yes, that is the one and only time my ex-husband has seen his youngest son.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #110 on: April 07, 2013, 02:21:28 PM »
Before someone jumps in and says we're getting off topic, it isn't.  The point is that the parents are ASSUMING that they'll be present for C's child's birth.  I suspect no one has even thought of asking how C and her husband feel about that.

nuit93

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #111 on: April 07, 2013, 09:30:23 PM »
To provide a bit of background--yes, there is a history of the parents putting C before K when they were growing up.  This toxic behavior on the parents part is not entirely new, so K had never entirely planned on having her parents play a large (or any) part in her wedding.  C had been quite the brat when she was younger, but outgrew it and has grown much closer to K while realizing just how awful her parents had been (it's easy to miss when it's not directed at you).

C assured K that she shouldn't move her date out, as she put it "I didn't plan my wedding date around your life, I can't ask you to do the same".  If she can make it, she'll be there, if not she asked that K just save her a piece of wedding cake.

The parents, however, have still been difficult.  K received an email from them stating that if she still insisted on going through with this "wedding" (quotation marks from them), to not expect them to be excited about it, to help out in any way, or even attend. 

Now, once upon a time, K would have caved in to this and done exactly what they wanted her to, regardless of what she truly wanted.  Luckily, in the past decade she's developed a considerably more significant spine.  Her response?

"Well, that's unfortunate but ultimately up to you.  I will still extend you an invitation in the event you change your mind, as we are not changing our plans.  That said, if you only want to spend the whole day complaining about how ridiculous the whole event is while making cracks about how lucky I was to find someone in my "old age", then it would be in the best interest of all involved if you stay home because you will be asked to leave if you cannot be polite to myself or DH.  We are in the process of setting up a live stream that will allow C to watch the wedding online if she cannot be there and I will send you the link as well."

C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

gramma dishes

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #112 on: April 07, 2013, 09:34:37 PM »
Yaaay to both sisters!  I'm sure that was a shock to the parents to be forced to realize that both daughters have adopted a "Frankly Dear Mother, we don't give a dingdangity!" feeling about both the wedding and their presence at the new baby's birth!

LOL!  That famous line loses a little in the filtered translation, doesn't it?   ;D

LeveeWoman

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #113 on: April 07, 2013, 09:38:58 PM »
To provide a bit of background--yes, there is a history of the parents putting C before K when they were growing up.  This toxic behavior on the parents part is not entirely new, so K had never entirely planned on having her parents play a large (or any) part in her wedding.  C had been quite the brat when she was younger, but outgrew it and has grown much closer to K while realizing just how awful her parents had been (it's easy to miss when it's not directed at you).

C assured K that she shouldn't move her date out, as she put it "I didn't plan my wedding date around your life, I can't ask you to do the same".  If she can make it, she'll be there, if not she asked that K just save her a piece of wedding cake.

The parents, however, have still been difficult.  K received an email from them stating that if she still insisted on going through with this "wedding" (quotation marks from them), to not expect them to be excited about it, to help out in any way, or even attend. 

Now, once upon a time, K would have caved in to this and done exactly what they wanted her to, regardless of what she truly wanted.  Luckily, in the past decade she's developed a considerably more significant spine.  Her response?

"Well, that's unfortunate but ultimately up to you.  I will still extend you an invitation in the event you change your mind, as we are not changing our plans.  That said, if you only want to spend the whole day complaining about how ridiculous the whole event is while making cracks about how lucky I was to find someone in my "old age", then it would be in the best interest of all involved if you stay home because you will be asked to leave if you cannot be polite to myself or DH.  We are in the process of setting up a live stream that will allow C to watch the wedding online if she cannot be there and I will send you the link as well."

C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

Those are two of the most disgusting parents I've heard about in my life.

Good for K for standing up for herself, and for C for backing her up.

KB

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #114 on: April 08, 2013, 12:21:49 AM »
C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

This would be the best thing ever - both sisters off doing what they want, sharing each others' day through the wonders of technology, and bitter, twisted parents who have made their own collective bed having to lie in it, not willing to go to one event and not wanted at the other.

*standing ovation*

MariaE

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #115 on: April 08, 2013, 12:51:18 AM »
C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

This would be the best thing ever - both sisters off doing what they want, sharing each others' day through the wonders of technology, and bitter, twisted parents who have made their own collective bed having to lie in it, not willing to go to one event and not wanted at the other.

*standing ovation*

Agreed, and oh, I hope she does! They do not deserve to be there!
 
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zyrs

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding?
« Reply #116 on: April 08, 2013, 01:25:51 AM »
Yaaay to both sisters!  I'm sure that was a shock to the parents to be forced to realize that both daughters have adopted a "Frankly Dear Mother, we don't give a dingdangity!" feeling about both the wedding and their presence at the new baby's birth!

LOL!  That famous line loses a little in the filtered translation, doesn't it?   ;D

Actually, I think it would be more fun to say in the translation - imagine mom standing there for a while as her brain tries to process 'dingdangity'.

sammycat

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #117 on: April 08, 2013, 02:27:56 AM »
C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

This would be the best thing ever - both sisters off doing what they want, sharing each others' day through the wonders of technology, and bitter, twisted parents who have made their own collective bed having to lie in it, not willing to go to one event and not wanted at the other.

*standing ovation*

I had the same thought. It'd serve them right if they missed out on both events simply because of their disgusting behaviour towards one of their children.  Actually, taking the baby issue out of the picture, if I was engaged sister, I'm not sure I'd even want my parents at my wedding in the first place.
« Last Edit: April 08, 2013, 07:02:42 AM by sammycat »

Iris

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #118 on: April 08, 2013, 05:07:06 AM »
To provide a bit of background--yes, there is a history of the parents putting C before K when they were growing up.  This toxic behavior on the parents part is not entirely new, so K had never entirely planned on having her parents play a large (or any) part in her wedding.  C had been quite the brat when she was younger, but outgrew it and has grown much closer to K while realizing just how awful her parents had been (it's easy to miss when it's not directed at you).

C assured K that she shouldn't move her date out, as she put it "I didn't plan my wedding date around your life, I can't ask you to do the same".  If she can make it, she'll be there, if not she asked that K just save her a piece of wedding cake.

The parents, however, have still been difficult.  K received an email from them stating that if she still insisted on going through with this "wedding" (quotation marks from them), to not expect them to be excited about it, to help out in any way, or even attend. 

Now, once upon a time, K would have caved in to this and done exactly what they wanted her to, regardless of what she truly wanted.  Luckily, in the past decade she's developed a considerably more significant spine.  Her response?

"Well, that's unfortunate but ultimately up to you.  I will still extend you an invitation in the event you change your mind, as we are not changing our plans.  That said, if you only want to spend the whole day complaining about how ridiculous the whole event is while making cracks about how lucky I was to find someone in my "old age", then it would be in the best interest of all involved if you stay home because you will be asked to leave if you cannot be polite to myself or DH.  We are in the process of setting up a live stream that will allow C to watch the wedding online if she cannot be there and I will send you the link as well."

C is pretty proud of her big sis for standing up for herself.  She's also seriously reconsidering whether or not she wants her parents there at the hospital.

Those are two of the most disgusting parents I've heard about in my life.

Good for K for standing up for herself, and for C for backing her up.

Pod. It sounds like their losing their lifelong scapegoat/victim and they don't like it one little bit.
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Venus193

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Re: Rude to not postpone wedding? UPDATE
« Reply #119 on: April 08, 2013, 07:02:21 AM »

This would be the best thing ever - both sisters off doing what they want, sharing each others' day through the wonders of technology, and bitter, twisted parents who have made their own collective bed having to lie in it, not willing to go to one event and not wanted at the other.

*standing ovation*

Heehee, I had the same thought. It'd serve them right if they missed out on both events simply because of their disgusting behaviour towards one of their children.  Actually, taking the baby issue out of the picture, if I was engaged sister, I'm not sure I'd even want my parents at my wedding in the first place.

I completely agree.