Author Topic: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"  (Read 6754 times)

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BeagleMommy

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2013, 03:04:55 PM »
You're not rude to be prepared.  Your MIL's attitude leaves a lot to be desired.  There are any number of things guests to your shower can buy for a new baby.  I was given so many onesies and sleepers in various sizes that I don't think I bought new for the first year of DS's life.

Calistoga

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2013, 05:02:30 PM »
Quote
Maybe MIL is disappointed that your parent have already promised two big gifts and she feels left out?  If so, she really needs to just ask you guys what you still need and tell you what she wants to get rather than leaving it as a surprise, which seems to be where she's headed.

Oh, my in laws are the ones that are buying the crib, sorry. When I said "Parents" I meant all the parents.

I'm glad to see that I'm not being rude. I thought maybe I had missed some obvious faux pas. But I think this may stem from a bigger issue my MIL has.

MIL and FIL are up to their eyeballs in debt from helping DH's brother and his 4 kids. BIL is a real failure-to-launch kind of person who is constantly broke and relies on his parents to pay his bills for him. DH has always been really independent, I was raised to be independent, so we don't like to take help and usually we plan well enough that we don't have to. On the rare times we've found ourselves in a financial tight we couldn't fix by cutting back for a few weeks, we asked my parents for help instead of his, and both times my MIL made a fuss about it and was very resentful. She complains that we don't let her help us. So I worry that this is another instance of us "not letting her help" when in reality, we just don't want to rely on other people more than we have to.

EllenS

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2013, 05:12:11 PM »
Looks to me like MIL equates giving money/help/material gifts with love and intimacy.  So now you know this is her love language (to the point it is self-destructive).  Is there another way you can ask her for help or something special that ONLY SHE can make/do/give you?  Even if it is something small but that would really help you in a practical way, and is not unhealthy for her?

Freezer meals springs to mind.  Just about the best thing I ever did to get ready for DD1 was to put up 6 weeks worth of frozen homemade dinners (or dinner starters). I didn't have anyone to do it for me, but maybe this is one possiblity MIL could get into?

Brisvegasgal

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #18 on: April 05, 2013, 05:33:01 PM »
I agree with EllenS and think your MIL was rude (and IMO she was totally rude) but if she is that kind of person it is understandable.  But I think you and your DH are going to have to have shiny titanium spines where she is concerned and not let her (and her rudeness) go unchecked.

Good luck with the baby.

SPuck

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #19 on: April 05, 2013, 05:35:03 PM »
On the rare times we've found ourselves in a financial tight we couldn't fix by cutting back for a few weeks, we asked my parents for help instead of his, and both times my MIL made a fuss about it and was very resentful. She complains that we don't let her help us. So I worry that this is another instance of us "not letting her help" when in reality, we just don't want to rely on other people more than we have to.

So you don't have an etiquette issue, you have a nutty-in-law issue because a parent getting angry over their children's independence is insane. This might be harsh, but it isn't your job to mitigate your mil's anxiety and security issues when it comes to her place in your family.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2013, 05:37:38 PM by SPuck »

EllenS

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2013, 05:45:05 PM »
it isn't your job to mitigate your mil's anxiety and security issues when it comes to her place in your family.

Agreed 100%.  I just got the impression that she likes her MIL and wants to make her feel loved/included.  The key words being "like" and "want", not "must" or "should".

*inviteseller

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #21 on: April 05, 2013, 06:27:48 PM »
You are doing right because your husband and yourself understand that it is your child-your responsibility.  I can't figure out why showers have turned into these set up my nursery parties.  It is nice if a family member wants to contribute one of the big things (crib, high chair, stroller) but it is the parents responsibility.  My shower was fun small stuff...clothes, bottles, books and I loved it!  All the last showers I have been invited to have 3 page registries listing expensive cribs, strollers, high chairs, bedding sets and these were people of means, not some poor kids!

Sharnita

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2013, 07:40:42 PM »
Actually, I think there can be middle ground.  People who haven't stockpiled diapers would not be "unprepared" in my book. And people who registered got a stroller, car seat or anything else and waited to buy whatever items they didn't get until after the shower would not automaically get that designation either.

If they had no plan for ever providing the diapers the baby needed, by the time the baby needed it - that would be unprepared. Same with the other items.

doodlemor

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2013, 07:50:22 PM »

So you don't have an etiquette issue, you have a nutty-in-law issue because a parent getting angry over their children's independence is insane. This might be harsh, but it isn't your job to mitigate your mil's anxiety and security issues when it comes to her place in your family.

Yup.

Do MIL and FIL try to **control** BIL and his family after loaning/giving them $$$$?  If so, the problem is even more severe.

Whatever their issues are, OP, I think that you and DH need to set and maintain your boundaries now, rather than when your baby is old enough to recognize any family dissension.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #24 on: April 05, 2013, 07:52:33 PM »
Might I suggest a middle ground?  Go create a registry sometime soon, and include things you don't need to buy a ton of right away - bottles, onesies, bibs, toys, etc.  Voila, options for people who want to buy you something specific but you can still do your own buying (which is half the fun of being pregnant anyway) and you can exercise more autonomy when it comes to choosing this car seat or that one.  Then from now until the baby shower you can continue to stock up on whatever you want.  After the shower you can pick up the last things you need.

Incidentally, some stores give you a % off anything on your baby registry after the baby is born - I think Target gives somewhere around 15% off at the 2-4-month mark.  (Not sure on that - my memories from right after my two were born are kind of hazy!)  So it's worth it to register sippy cups, a Bumbo, and other things you won't need with a newborn and you can stock up on them at good prices later on if you don't find them on sale first!

TootsNYC

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #25 on: April 05, 2013, 10:39:38 PM »
There's not a rule, really.

but I know, from living in my ILs' family for a while, that in this family it is a KINDNESS to leave the opportunity for others to help with baby things.

The older generation is proud of their ability and willingness to outfit the younger generation. And they *do* want to buy truly useful stuff, not just a couple of cute outfits.

If your MIL were my MIL, I'd tell you that you should continue to set aside the money, but that you should wait until after the shower to actually BUY it. And that you should register for exactly what stroller/car seat combo you want.

Not that you're required. But that the other shower attendees will be glad that there's something on the list to buy.

sammycat

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2013, 11:17:35 PM »
  I can't figure out why showers have turned into these set up my nursery parties.  It is nice if a family member wants to contribute one of the big things (crib, high chair, stroller) but it is the parents responsibility.  My shower was fun small stuff...clothes, bottles, books and I loved it! 

This is my experience/mindset too.

I think my mother bought us a highchair and my SIL bought the car seat, but we never asked for, nor expected anyone, to buy these for us. They really really wanted to buy these things, so we let them, but my opinion is - your baby, your (financial) responsibility.

I've never encountered anyone who expected friends to buy big ticket items like pushchairs, cots, etc; it's always seen as the parents' responsibility. If grandparents/extended members want to willingly buy a big ticket item then that's well and good, but I can't imagine expecting my friend (or family for that matter) to spend $200 (minimum here) on a car seat. That's crazy.

kareng57

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2013, 11:28:29 PM »
Actually, I think there can be middle ground.  People who haven't stockpiled diapers would not be "unprepared" in my book. And people who registered got a stroller, car seat or anything else and waited to buy whatever items they didn't get until after the shower would not automaically get that designation either.

If they had no plan for ever providing the diapers the baby needed, by the time the baby needed it - that would be unprepared. Same with the other items.


I agree about the middle-ground.  IME, my mother told us fairly early on that she wanted to buy the crib, and MIL told us that she wanted to buy the stroller.

If families make it clear at a fairly early stage that they want to provide these items, then the parents know not to shop for these items, or to put them on the registry.

For diapers - assuming that they're disposable ones - it's hard to imagine that parents could stockpile enough to last 2 1/2 years or so, even before the birth.  If they see some on sale at a great price, why not?  However, it's also true that within a few weeks after the birth, parents might decide that they have a preferred-brand.  But people attending a shower either before or very shortly after the birth wouldn't know this, either.

Sophia

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2013, 11:50:51 PM »
I have a personal theory that each generation gifts opposite of what they got.  My mom's friends threw me a baby shower (not my mom).  I think maybe because since I am an older bride none of them had been to one in awhile.  They gave small practical gifts.  (Like the pee-protector for the car seat)  They all talked about how at their showers all they got pretty newborn clothes.  I know my daughter wore some of the still-new clothes my mom had been given for me.  Whereas my generation bought the adorable clothes.  I did really love that pee-protector.  It is no fun removing one of those covers. 

Library Dragon

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #29 on: April 06, 2013, 12:17:00 AM »
Not rude.  And you now have the perfect opportunity for people to give you things for the REST of baby's life - after the newborn phase is over.

It's amazing how many thousands of tiny, newborn onesies you seem to find in the drawers, when the baby is 6-9 months old and only has one pair of pajamas.

POD

I always buy 6 months and older gifts.  I have a co-worker who only reads sci-fi and fantasy.  I took advantage of cute Halloween baby items to create her "first vampire collection." Everything had no size.  Not worrying about necessities frees people to be creative. 

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