Author Topic: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"  (Read 7204 times)

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Miss Tickle

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #45 on: April 06, 2013, 08:48:26 PM »
Hm...

Let me get this straight.

Someone who calls you selfish and rude for not reading her mind wants you to feel bad because she is planning to throw you a party she hadn't mentioned yet and is mad because you've already bought the gift she was thinking about buying you.

And she doesn't call you selfish and rude to your face, calls you selfish and rude to your husband, therefore hitting two birds with one stone.

I'm totally old-school. I'm a firm believer that family doesn't throw baby showers, because nothing says "We can't afford this baby!" than hitting up your friends and extended family for the "big ticket" items. If your MIL wishes to buy something special for her grandchild more power to her, but she doesn't need to throw a party to show off how generous she is.

Sorry, hits a nerve.

Sharnita

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #46 on: April 06, 2013, 08:56:14 PM »
Hm...

Let me get this straight.

Someone who calls you selfish and rude for not reading her mind wants you to feel bad because she is planning to throw you a party she hadn't mentioned yet and is mad because you've already bought the gift she was thinking about buying you.

And she doesn't call you selfish and rude to your face, calls you selfish and rude to your husband, therefore hitting two birds with one stone.

I'm totally old-school. I'm a firm believer that family doesn't throw baby showers, because nothing says "We can't afford this baby!" than hitting up your friends and extended family for the "big ticket" items. If your MIL wishes to buy something special for her grandchild more power to her, but she doesn't need to throw a party to show off how generous she is.

Sorry, hits a nerve.

Based on this quote I don't think she expected OP to read her mind about the shower - it sounds like the subject had already been discessed.


"You know I want to throw you guys a shower right?" Yes, we know. "

acicularis

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #47 on: April 07, 2013, 10:58:56 AM »
I'm sorry, but I just have to laugh at the notion that it's selfish to buy things for your baby yourself instead of expecting other people to!

I can understand your MIL wanting to throw you a shower, or buy you certain big ticket items. But she's going about this the wrong way. Instead of scolding you for buying stuff, she could have said "Don't think you have to go buy everything right now. Remember, I'm throwing you a shower. Why don't you put some of the things you need on a registry." Or "I'd really like to buy you a stroller. What kind do you want? Can I come out shopping with you?"

Lynn2000

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #48 on: April 07, 2013, 12:45:13 PM »
I'm sorry, but I just have to laugh at the notion that it's selfish to buy things for your baby yourself instead of expecting other people to!

I can understand your MIL wanting to throw you a shower, or buy you certain big ticket items. But she's going about this the wrong way. Instead of scolding you for buying stuff, she could have said "Don't think you have to go buy everything right now. Remember, I'm throwing you a shower. Why don't you put some of the things you need on a registry." Or "I'd really like to buy you a stroller. What kind do you want? Can I come out shopping with you?"

Yeah, I get the ideas about it being a kindness to allow people to give you things, and how happy it makes them, and having a registry for stuff you actually have a preference for... That can all be very nice and gracious and also pragmatic, when everyone is on the same wavelength. It just gets dodgy when someone insists you do these things, says they are hurt because you haven't/don't want to, and calls you rude and selfish as well!

Like Cami said, "It's really difficult to be gracious when you get the feeling that the gifts were given not to make me as the recipient happy or my life easier, but solely to fulfill a need on the part of the giver." It's better not to go through life assuming that's the motivation, but sometimes it seems so in-your-face it's difficult to ignore. I for one would not be inclined to accept any gifts from someone who literally called me rude and selfish--I'm stubborn that way, which I'm not saying is always good, but that's how I would feel.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #49 on: April 07, 2013, 02:53:35 PM »
See, I've been to all 4 baby showers MIL has thrown and all of them have been of the cutesy type or the very small 20-40 dollar gift type. No one ever brought big things. So I'm not sure why this one would be different. We ended up not getting the stroller today though. So far we've got diapers and personal

Isn't that funny!

I wonder what she's thinking, then. Probably she's got "grandma-to-be" madness. If that's the case (and this sure looks like an early indicator!), try not to take her too seriously right now. She's not herself, or not in her right mind, or something.

I'm sorry, but I just have to laugh at the notion that it's selfish to buy things for your baby yourself instead of expecting other people to!

I can understand your MIL wanting to throw you a shower, or buy you certain big ticket items. But she's going about this the wrong way. Instead of scolding you for buying stuff, she could have said "Don't think you have to go buy everything right now. Remember, I'm throwing you a shower. Why don't you put some of the things you need on a registry." Or "I'd really like to buy you a stroller. What kind do you want? Can I come out shopping with you?"

Yeah, I get the ideas about it being a kindness to allow people to give you things, and how happy it makes them, and having a registry for stuff you actually have a preference for... That can all be very nice and gracious and also pragmatic, when everyone is on the same wavelength. It just gets dodgy when someone insists you do these things, says they are hurt because you haven't/don't want to, and calls you rude and selfish as well!

Like Cami said, "It's really difficult to be gracious when you get the feeling that the gifts were given not to make me as the recipient happy or my life easier, but solely to fulfill a need on the part of the giver." It's better not to go through life assuming that's the motivation, but sometimes it seems so in-your-face it's difficult to ignore. I for one would not be inclined to accept any gifts from someone who literally called me rude and selfish--I'm stubborn that way, which I'm not saying is always good, but that's how I would feel.

I agree with both of these--that the MIL *could* have said the very same thing in a much nicer and more positive way way. (*MY* mother-in-law sure did!)

And I agree on the frustration when the giver seems ONLY focused on themselves.

I sometimes get flack here because I maintain that the choice of gift is ONLY the giver's to make; and that we all give from selfish reasons; and that I give the gift that *I* want to give.

But that doesn't mean I forget the fact that it's a gift FOR the giver. So I may give the brand of baby gadget that *I* thought was useful, or I may want to give baking gear instead of china, but I never lose sight of the idea that my hope is the recipient will LIKE it. (and so, I would never substitute my judgment for hers on a big-ticket item, decor, etc.)

but the phenomenon Cami and Lynn2000 remarked on is just proof that we are all essentially selfish--just some of us can control it or shape it better than others.

Calistoga

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #50 on: April 08, 2013, 02:11:05 PM »
Heh. After 4 other grand kids you'd think she'd be burnt out. BUT this is my first, so maybe the madness starts all over.

We've opted to follow the advice here and just save up and let her throw the shower in July, so that we'll have 2 months to get anything we miss. We're also putting SOME of our bigger items in layaway now. I've taken MIL shopping once, but I dunno about doing it again...she kept wandering off to shop for stuff she wanted for her older grand kids.

I was kind of surprised when people said the shower was rude itself. That never would have occurred to me, since around it here showers are usually an in-the-family kind of thing.

Lynn2000

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #51 on: April 08, 2013, 02:32:03 PM »
I was kind of surprised when people said the shower was rude itself. That never would have occurred to me, since around it here showers are usually an in-the-family kind of thing.

I get the sense that a lot of shower etiquette details are region/social circle-specific. For example, some people feel it's rude for an immediate family member to host the shower; other people say it's okay if the guests are family-only; other people say that's totally normal whoever the guests are. I don't feel strongly about the host myself, as long as it's not the mom-to-be or her partner (although I'm sure some people have been to showers like that and found them perfectly fine, too).

To me a much bigger issue is how the shower comes about--if the host or GOH are badgered into doing it, or the guests are guilted into giving larger gifts than they want, or something like that. That's not cool no matter what.
~Lynn2000

Bluenomi

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #52 on: April 08, 2013, 08:42:14 PM »
I think MIL has got herself worked up over nothing. There are plenty of things you can buy babies and not even the most over the top organised parent will have bought everything before the birth.

One word of caution for the OP though, don't buy too many nappies in the same size. Babies all grow at different rates and it may not be in any one size for too long. I know somoene who bought 6 boxes of newborn nappies and their kid out grew them after one box. 5 boxes of nappies wasted

Sharnita

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #53 on: April 08, 2013, 09:03:16 PM »
If baby does outgrow diapers many communities have diaper banks to help disadvantaged families.

mmswm

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #54 on: April 08, 2013, 09:04:55 PM »
One of my SIL's go-to gift for a baby shower is a big honking basket filled with baby 'maintenance and husbandry' items.  Laundry soap. Shampoo and bath gel.  Wash clothes. Nose syringe.  Spit clothes.  Some diaper pins.  A monitor.  A thermometer.  Medicine measuring spoon.  Baby nail clippers and emery boards (paw prints!) I'm blanking on what she puts in those baskets, but the last one I saw had to have a good 20 items in it, all of them highly useful things to have at hand.  None of them will expire as the baby grows, and all of them are items the mom will want to have for the baby at some point.

My go-to gift is a good baby book, with good calming advice.  I'm the book auntie once the children are older.

Your friend's go-to gift is similar to mine.  I get a laundry basket and pack it with:

-2 or 3 small bottles of different types of baby shampoo/baby wash
-travel sized packages of several different brands of baby wipes
-A package of cloth diapers (they make great spit cloths if mom uses disposables, but if she's using cloth then she has extras)
-A package of plain wash cloths (baby sized)
-Small bottle of baby laundry soap
-Breast pads (even if mom is bottle feeding, there will still be some leakage while she dries out)
-Paper towels
-Roll of aluminum foil
-roll of plastic wrap
-1 box each of quart and gallon sized ziploc bags
-Small bottle of dish detergent
-Small container of dishwasher detergent if I know mom has a dishwasher
-Small bottle of regular adult detergent
-Box of trash bags
-Bottle of spray cleaner
-Toothpaste and toothbrushes for mom and dad
-Any other "emergency" items I feel like throwing in.

I call it the first 6 weeks survival kit.  I basically throw in everything I can think of that mom and dad might run out of or not realize they need until it's 3am and they have a screaming newborn on their hands. The cleaning items are for getting them through a day or so until they can get to a store. The hygiene items for mom and dad usually get funny looks, but eventually mom comes to me and says something like "I can't believe I was so tired I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet/on the floor/etc., but then I remembered I had a new one from the basket you gave me and I was happy I didn't have to go buy a new one!"
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

gramma dishes

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Re: Another Baby Shower Thread- Or, "Don't Be Prepared!"
« Reply #55 on: April 08, 2013, 09:44:33 PM »
One of the neatest gifts my daughter got was a bag of six Tupperware "shot glasses".  (You know, the ones like they used to give you just for coming to the party?)

She said they were perfect for when he started eating 'solid' foods.  She's just use her tiny food processor to make the puree from whatever she cooked for herself and her husband and then had them in just the right amount.  They were also totally leak proof, so she could travel with them too.

Now that the kids eat real food and have outgrown their baby food need for them, she uses them for the whole family for picnics and other outings.  Perfect for toting salad dressings and things like that.