Author Topic: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"  (Read 7157 times)

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JenJay

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2013, 12:31:27 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I've never noticed a post like that. I'm sure I'd find it odd and probably either ignore it or say "Best wishes to those affected".

Moray

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2013, 12:34:06 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I've never noticed a post like that. I'm sure I'd find it odd and probably either ignore it or say "Best wishes to those affected".

I can think of several off the top of my head. Some got locked or deleted, or had choice posts deleted. And you're right, it was really odd.
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Bexx27

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #17 on: April 05, 2013, 12:35:31 PM »
I think discussions of tragedies such as natural disasters, plane crashes, etc. generally fit better in the "Entertainment and News" section. I see INAH as a place for posters to ask for sympathy and support for themselves or people they're close to. I have no problem with a post such as "my heart goes out to the earthquake victims' families," but I would put it in Entertainment and News rather than INAH. Something like "I need a hug because I heard about the earthquake and I started thinking about what would happen if my family died in an earthquake and now I can't stop crying," while technically suitable for INAH, strikes me as so self-centered and distasteful that it's not really appropriate to post anywhere.

Asking for hugs for trivial annoyances or for someone the poster barely knows just seems attention-seeking and pointless. If you want sympathy for a bad latte or a room mate from 20 years ago, facebook or a personal blog are more suitable venues than a large forum of strangers who might "know" you a little but aren't likely to be concerned about that level of minutia in your life.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

JenJay

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #18 on: April 05, 2013, 12:40:25 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I've never noticed a post like that. I'm sure I'd find it odd and probably either ignore it or say "Best wishes to those affected".

I can think of several off the top of my head. Some got locked or deleted, or had choice posts deleted. And you're right, it was really odd.

I'm not disagreeing that it's happened, sorry if it sounded like I was. I just didn't notice them (or forgot about them immediately). I sometimes make a point of posting in the INAH threads that have less than 5 replies, just because I don't want the OP to feel overlooked on top of their already bad day. Other than that my hug participation is pretty hit and miss.

Yvaine

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #19 on: April 05, 2013, 12:44:32 PM »
Praying for someone differs from hugging them, though.

Sure, but calling it the "I need prayers" folder would exclude a lot of people. To me, "I need a hug" doesn't literally mean someone wants a hug, afterall that would be impossible, it means they are in need of support or starting a thread to offer support.

It's not that we need a prayers folder, though--it's that if it's something you heard on the news that didn't affect you directly, it probably belongs better in the Entertainment and News folder. And then within that thread, people could talk about prayers if they wanted, or just about how awful it must be, etc.

JenJay

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2013, 12:54:09 PM »
Praying for someone differs from hugging them, though.

Sure, but calling it the "I need prayers" folder would exclude a lot of people. To me, "I need a hug" doesn't literally mean someone wants a hug, afterall that would be impossible, it means they are in need of support or starting a thread to offer support.

It's not that we need a prayers folder, though--it's that if it's something you heard on the news that didn't affect you directly, it probably belongs better in the Entertainment and News folder. And then within that thread, people could talk about prayers if they wanted, or just about how awful it must be, etc.

I agree with you. I was responding to Giggity noting the difference between hugs and prayers.

whatsanenigma

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #21 on: April 05, 2013, 02:12:50 PM »
First of all, that is a really cool username!

But I personally just don't feel it's my place to judge what someone wants a "hug" for.  Even if it would seem silly to me personally.  Even if it is something like worrying about what would happen to your own family if an earthquake hit.  Or if someone is just thinking about such a thing that happened and wishing the victims the best.  Or even if somebody got a hangnail.

 I am not going to pass judgement.  If the person's request doesn't speak to me or move me in any way, I just ignore it and move on.  "Trivial" requests don't keep more "serious" ones from being posted, after all.  There is room for all who need hugs.

I figure, it's sometimes just about the need to do something.  You know you can't personally help the victims of something, for example, and it's frustrating and makes you sad and angry.  Posting about it and wanting some sympathy is at least something and it might make you feel better and I'm not going to pass judgement on what that is for somebody who is not myself.

And so what if it is a self-centered thing? I thought that was part of the reason for the folder.  To post about an upsetting thing and get sympathy, as opposed to asking for advice, or just talking about it in general, such as in the "entertainment and news" folder.  If it's in the "hug" folder it's meant to be talked about in a softer, more emotional tone.  And if someone doesn't want to do that, they can either not post to the topic, or start a new topic about it in a different folder.

Those are my impressions, anyway.  I really don't approve of the idea of limiting too much what people can ask for hugs about.  One person's mountain is another person's molehill and vice versa.

Betelnut

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #22 on: April 05, 2013, 02:15:17 PM »
I don't understand why you care?  I mean, it's a forum, not emails flooding your inbox or personal letters in your mailbox.  A forum!

There is a thread for Small Hugs which ARE for more trivial things.  Sometimes a hug because your kid is driving you nuts is really needed!

If it bothers you, don't read a thread entitled, "Earthquake in Turkey."  And, actually, I have family in Turkey so perhaps a hug for my relatives is relevant!

Lastly, everyone is different.  maybe reading about an earthquake or plane crash has upset someone very much and they want to post for hugs.  I can't judge them for that.  I certainly wouldn't forbid them from posting!
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twiggy

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #23 on: April 05, 2013, 02:32:31 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

Moray

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #24 on: April 05, 2013, 03:02:39 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?

And if you'd said "This reopened old wounds. Can I get a hug for the crushing pain in my heart and a reminder that everything's going to be alright?" I don't think anyone would have judged you at all.

What I object to is someone who literally has no connection saying "I heard about this and want hugs for me Me ME!"
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AngelicGamer

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #25 on: April 05, 2013, 03:55:38 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?

You are making sense to me.  Also, I would give you a hug because that is scary!  I was in high school when Columbine happened and I remembered my mom talking with me about what to do if someone started shooting.  She was also talking about not sending me to school the next day because she was worried that there would be copycats.  And yes, this is different because I was a junior vs little kid, but I feel the fears are around the same.

However, there was a thread for Newtown and it got locked.  It became a lot more personal and it seemed like it was focusing on one poster and their fears rather than sending out good energy / thoughts / prayers / what have you.  I wouldn't have minded it if it was their own thread focusing on their own fears.  Instead, it was more like a news thread, more appropriate for News and Entertainment folder, and this one poster sort of latched on and spread their worries all over it. 

So, I do understand the different between the two.  Also, if a natural disaster did happen and I know I can't dictate what posters post, but it might be nice to have two different threads.  One that has news updates in the News and Entertaiment folder and one that is focusing on posters fears and people in the region in the INAH folder.  I can't speak for others but it might help with what the OP is talking about.

ETA: It didn't get locked.  Oops.  Sorry about that.
« Last Edit: April 05, 2013, 03:59:53 PM by AngelicGamer »




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whatsanenigma

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #26 on: April 05, 2013, 04:15:05 PM »

What I object to is someone who literally has no connection saying "I heard about this and want hugs for me Me ME!"

While I agree that this is rather distasteful, I hesitate to endorse any rules based on that.  For one thing, it might come off as "literally no connection" and just a self-centered cry for attention, but maybe it's poorly worded and actually not just that.  The event really did stir up strong emotions in the person who posts, whether they are about someone affected that the OP knows personally, or that the suffering of random people just hit the OP in a particularly bad way, or what. 

The person for whatever reason wants a "hug" and it's really hard for us others to judge if it's real or not.  I really doubt anybody here is posting in the hugs folder just thinking "I'm bored and not getting enough attention, so I'm going to post in the hugs folder about this random tragedy I don't actually care about, so I can see a lot of posts about ME."   :)

And even if somebody does that, well, the rest of us can either respond or not.  We can all read each post, judge the sincerity, and reply or not as we see fit.  And which direction is it better to err? On the side of supportively responding to someone who just wants attention and isn't really upset at all and doesn't need it? Or the side of ignoring or calling out as a troll the person who really is upset by the thing and doesn't quite know how to articulate it but really does need the support that could be provided by a virtual hug?

On a side note, I personally did not post in the hugs folder about this but I was very profoundly shaken up by the death of Michael Jackson, even though of course I don't know him personally, and quite frankly, I've never been a fan of his music.  But I was shaken up and upset for a few days because it reminded me that the world is not the same as when I was a child, that I am much older now.  Enough time has passed for someone who it seemed like always had been here and would be here forever, aged enough to now be dead.  I became very aware of how detached I was from modern performers, how I knew more about MJ, despite not liking his music, than I knew about many of the current stars of today. 

It was a time of much meditation and contemplation about age and the passage of time and the cycling of life, of young people and famous stars, how eventually even this generation that is the youngest now, this will happen to them someday also.  And if I had seen a post in the hugs folder around that time, where somebody just said "I am really upset that MJ died" I would not assume it was just a random cry for attention.  I would assume their feelings were similar to mine.

Bottom line for me, is that we need to be really careful about judging others, especially in that forum.  People post because they want a "hug" and to get some would make them feel at least a little better.  And the rest of us are free to give one or not give one.

whatsanenigma

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #27 on: April 05, 2013, 04:16:43 PM »
Also, we are also all free to report to the mods any post we find questionable, and they can then make the judgement as to whether or not it should be locked or allowed to continue.  If they allow it to stay, it's not up to us to pass judgement that it shouldn't.

EMuir

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2013, 04:22:01 PM »
It's the I Need a Hug folder, not the I Deserve a Hug folder.  Which is why in general you don't nitpick about the need, you just hug.  So what if someone is feeling like they need a hug and feel they have to use a tragedy *somewhere* to justify it?  We don't even know if people are posting the real reason they need a hug, they may be changing details to keep themselves anonymous.

If you don't like hugging, don't go there.  I don't go there a lot because I'm not huggy IRL, but sometimes I still do, because I know it feels good to see all those hugs when you're feeling down.

Betelnut

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2013, 04:30:10 PM »
It's the I Need a Hug folder, not the I Deserve a Hug folder.  Which is why in general you don't nitpick about the need, you just hug.  So what if someone is feeling like they need a hug and feel they have to use a tragedy *somewhere* to justify it?  We don't even know if people are posting the real reason they need a hug, they may be changing details to keep themselves anonymous.

If you don't like hugging, don't go there.  I don't go there a lot because I'm not huggy IRL, but sometimes I still do, because I know it feels good to see all those hugs when you're feeling down.

Right--I just think it is unnecessary to worry or be concerned about the "issue."  "I need a hug" can be about anything.  I think we all need hugs when a terrible event like Newtown happens because it hurts our collective soul.
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