Author Topic: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"  (Read 7617 times)

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violinp

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #30 on: April 05, 2013, 04:40:44 PM »
It's the I Need a Hug folder, not the I Deserve a Hug folder.  Which is why in general you don't nitpick about the need, you just hug.  So what if someone is feeling like they need a hug and feel they have to use a tragedy *somewhere* to justify it?  We don't even know if people are posting the real reason they need a hug, they may be changing details to keep themselves anonymous.

If you don't like hugging, don't go there.  I don't go there a lot because I'm not huggy IRL, but sometimes I still do, because I know it feels good to see all those hugs when you're feeling down.

Right--I just think it is unnecessary to worry or be concerned about the "issue."  "I need a hug" can be about anything.  I think we all need hugs when a terrible event like Newtown happens because it hurts our collective soul.

I could not agree more.
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penelope2017

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2013, 04:49:27 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?

You are making sense to me.  Also, I would give you a hug because that is scary!  I was in high school when Columbine happened and I remembered my mom talking with me about what to do if someone started shooting.  She was also talking about not sending me to school the next day because she was worried that there would be copycats.  And yes, this is different because I was a junior vs little kid, but I feel the fears are around the same.

However, there was a thread for Newtown and it got locked.  It became a lot more personal and it seemed like it was focusing on one poster and their fears rather than sending out good energy / thoughts / prayers / what have you.  I wouldn't have minded it if it was their own thread focusing on their own fears.  Instead, it was more like a news thread, more appropriate for News and Entertainment folder, and this one poster sort of latched on and spread their worries all over it. 

So, I do understand the different between the two.  Also, if a natural disaster did happen and I know I can't dictate what posters post, but it might be nice to have two different threads.  One that has news updates in the News and Entertaiment folder and one that is focusing on posters fears and people in the region in the INAH folder.  I can't speak for others but it might help with what the OP is talking about.

ETA: It didn't get locked.  Oops.  Sorry about that.

Yes, that bothered me about that Newtown thread as well. I may have posted as such but can't remember.

Moray

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2013, 04:55:53 PM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?

You are making sense to me.  Also, I would give you a hug because that is scary!  I was in high school when Columbine happened and I remembered my mom talking with me about what to do if someone started shooting.  She was also talking about not sending me to school the next day because she was worried that there would be copycats.  And yes, this is different because I was a junior vs little kid, but I feel the fears are around the same.

However, there was a thread for Newtown and it got locked.  It became a lot more personal and it seemed like it was focusing on one poster and their fears rather than sending out good energy / thoughts / prayers / what have you.  I wouldn't have minded it if it was their own thread focusing on their own fears.  Instead, it was more like a news thread, more appropriate for News and Entertainment folder, and this one poster sort of latched on and spread their worries all over it. 

So, I do understand the different between the two.  Also, if a natural disaster did happen and I know I can't dictate what posters post, but it might be nice to have two different threads.  One that has news updates in the News and Entertaiment folder and one that is focusing on posters fears and people in the region in the INAH folder.  I can't speak for others but it might help with what the OP is talking about.

ETA: It didn't get locked.  Oops.  Sorry about that.

Yes, that bothered me about that Newtown thread as well. I may have posted as such but can't remember.

I seem to recall a similar situation after the events in Aurora, CO.

whatsanenigma, I don't know that I'm in favor of a "rule" about it either, but I hope that maybe by talking about it, we can encourage less of the attention-seeking behavior.
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kareng57

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #33 on: April 05, 2013, 10:17:15 PM »
I must admit, I don't frequent the "hugs" folder much. But I thought there was a "small hugs" thread for minor upsets (parking ticket, maybe not so much the bad latte).

Regarding things that are more like natural disasters, I always thought of it kind of like prayer requests at church or something. Like, "Let's all have a moment of silence for the victims of the earthquake." Of course there is a difference between the pastor asking on behalf of the victims, and someone saying, "I need a hug because *I* feel bad about this." I guess if someone is posting the latter, it's a bit dodgy, and if people just don't respond that would send a message. But if it's more like, "This bad thing happened in the world, can we send some good vibes their way?" that seems fine to me.

I would feel a bit weird putting too many rules on the "hugs" folder (though of course, it's not up to me to determine the rules). If someone is suspected of trolling or being extremely overdramatic, I would think reporting it to the mods would be a good idea. But if one's reaction is more like ::) I think probably ignoring it is best. I think it would be hard to draw a line of what is really "bad enough" to post about, but if someone is just looking for attention, not getting any might dissuade them.


I don't check on the forum very often, either.  But, when my Dh was seriously ill and subsequently terminal, I didn't post about it here, mainly because most of the threads were along the line of "my kitten is sick".

Please understand, I am not saying that this is not a serious concern, and this was before the "small hugs" forum was established.  But it just did not feel right.

Bexx27

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #34 on: April 06, 2013, 08:13:32 AM »
I've always taken the more general requests as "Hey, this tragic thing happened in the world. Would anyone like to join me in sending prayers/positive thoughts?"

The more general requests don't bother me so much. What bothers me is when something bad happens, something that we should be reflecting about and sending good thoughts/prayers about, and a person makes it all about them, and their grief, when they weren't even there, know not a single person who was personally affected, etc.

So, "a request for healing thoughts/hugs/prayers for those impacted by X" would be a-ok in my book, but "I need hugs because my sister's college advisor's manicurist was impacted by X" sounds self-centered. Phrasing has a lot to do with it.

I was honestly tempted to post a hug request after the Newton shooting last year. I don't know any of those families, and it didn't really affect me or my loved ones directly. But it hurt. I've lost a child, and hearing about what happened in Connecticut ripped open those old wounds. All of my phobias and overly protective parenting instincts came back full force. I have a child in a preschool program at a public elementary school. It took everything I had in me to send him back to school that Monday. I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say here, other than that you can be unaffected directly and still have your world turned upside down tangentially. Does that make sense?

And if you'd said "This reopened old wounds. Can I get a hug for the crushing pain in my heart and a reminder that everything's going to be alright?" I don't think anyone would have judged you at all.

What I object to is someone who literally has no connection saying "I heard about this and want hugs for me Me ME!"

Totally agree. I also don't think we need actual rules about what is important enough to post in INAH, but discussions like this one can affect the board's culture. Maybe reading this thread will make people think more carefully about whether something belongs in INAH or Entertainment and News, for example. Or lead them to consider that asking for hugs for a hangnail would be better in the Small Hugs thread instead of amid threads about dying family members, etc.

Twiggy, I don't think your example is what anyone here is talking about. You suffered a horrific tragedy and had the wound re-opened. That's very different from just feeling natural empathy for the victims of a tragedy. Empathy at its best is taking the victims' perspective, which would lead to discussion about how terrible it must be for them, wanting to support them, etc. Empathy also involves personal distress when we put ourselves in the victims' shoes, but it seems so distasteful to me to ask for hugs and attention for the distress we feel thinking about it, turning the focus and the need for comfort toward ourselves instead of keeping it on the actual victims. But again, I don't think we need a rule about it. Just something for us to think about.
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. -George Washington Carver

Allyson

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #35 on: April 06, 2013, 01:26:32 PM »
While I find some threads a little baffling, I think that's largely because I don't personally ascribe to a philosophy that involves prayers or good thoughts themselves doing anything. So to me 'my best friend is sick, and I'm really upset' makes absolute sense as a post, but 'hugs for my friend' doesn't, unless they are showing the thread to their friend. But, this is just me and I wouldn't want to see a hard-and-fast rule.

I am sorry that some of those who have had serious tragedies feel that because some people post there about less 'serious' matters they can't. I know we've had a few threads there that have involved really major traumas, they tend to get more 'pages than other threads due to their nature, but I don't think (would hope!) anybody is judging by that.

Surianne

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #36 on: April 06, 2013, 07:49:52 PM »
This seems very mean-spirited to me.  Why do you get to judge who is worthy of feeling sad and who isn't?  Wouldn't it be kinder to simply ignore the threads that you don't think are worth your precious time? 

I usually make a point of posting hugs in threads about sick pets, because I know how helpless and sad I've felt when I've had to euthanize a pet.  I avoid threads about breakups because I don't "get" them in the same way.  So a poster like Kareng57 may see the "sick kitten" threads as being worthless, but to me, my pets being sick were some of the worst moments of my life, and I'm happy to offer hugs to posters going through the same thing.

We aren't all made the same way.  We all have different coping levels, and different things that upset us.  Better to be kind than make the forum exclusive to situations that one or two posters think are sad enough.

kareng57

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #37 on: April 06, 2013, 07:53:37 PM »
This seems very mean-spirited to me.  Why do you get to judge who is worthy of feeling sad and who isn't?  Wouldn't it be kinder to simply ignore the threads that you don't think are worth your precious time? 

I usually make a point of posting hugs in threads about sick pets, because I know how helpless and sad I've felt when I've had to euthanize a pet.  I avoid threads about breakups because I don't "get" them in the same way.  So a poster like Kareng57 may see the "sick kitten" threads as being worthless, but to me, my pets being sick were some of the worst moments of my life, and I'm happy to offer hugs to posters going through the same thing.

We aren't all made the same way.  We all have different coping levels, and different things that upset us.  Better to be kind than make the forum exclusive to situations that one or two posters think are sad enough.


Read my post again.  I *never* said a "sick kitten" thread was worthless.

Surianne

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #38 on: April 06, 2013, 08:02:13 PM »
Would "less worthy" be more apt, then?  I reread your post but I'm not sure exactly what you meant? 

My point is that I don't think there's anything wrong with a poster looking for hugs because of a sick kitten.  It may not be as bad as your personal situation, but it's still very sad and scary and I am more than happy to post my support.  I hope posters will continue to share these threads if it helps them to feel a little bit better.

blueberry.muffin

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #39 on: April 08, 2013, 12:06:49 PM »
Would "less worthy" be more apt, then?  I reread your post but I'm not sure exactly what you meant? 

My point is that I don't think there's anything wrong with a poster looking for hugs because of a sick kitten.  It may not be as bad as your personal situation, but it's still very sad and scary and I am more than happy to post my support.  I hope posters will continue to share these threads if it helps them to feel a little bit better.

I think I get where Kareng is coming from. I don't post there either, really, even if I need a hug, because I don't feel like a lot of people could relate or understand, or that it would be too much compared to the other threads. I don't think she meant to imply, at all, that sick kittens aren't relevant or worthy. It's more that terminally ill loved ones and sick kittens are worlds apart and it can feel, well, awkward to add your grievances into something like that.

I also am not a huge fan of the "hugs for tragedies that I don't relate to" thing. I feel like they should go under general "prayers/thoughts" in the general Coffee Break folder. I say this having been connected to one of those big tragedies, and yeah, it would strike me as odd that someone who didn't have any connection at all was asking for hugs for themselves. It's like... you didn't know these people and you need a hug for yourself? If you're that bothered about it then go do something. Contribute. Find facebook pages devoted to the event and post there. Tell people there that you care. People affected by it will see it. Not some random hidden forum no one's ever going to see. It doesn't do or change anything, not really, and it comes across as selfish.



reflection5

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #40 on: April 08, 2013, 12:15:18 PM »
Quote
It's like... you didn't know these people and you need a hug for yourself? If you're that bothered about it then go do something. Contribute. Find facebook pages devoted to the event and post there. Tell people there that you care. People affected by it will see it. Not some random hidden forum no one's ever going to see. It doesn't do or change anything, not really, and it comes across as selfish.

Good points. 

Fleur

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #41 on: April 10, 2013, 04:53:19 PM »
It's the I Need a Hug folder, not the I Deserve a Hug folder.  Which is why in general you don't nitpick about the need, you just hug.  So what if someone is feeling like they need a hug and feel they have to use a tragedy *somewhere* to justify it?  We don't even know if people are posting the real reason they need a hug, they may be changing details to keep themselves anonymous.

If you don't like hugging, don't go there.  I don't go there a lot because I'm not huggy IRL, but sometimes I still do, because I know it feels good to see all those hugs when you're feeling down.

I agree. If it bothers (general) you, scroll past. I find the attempt to police others' posting style distasteful, and it accomplishes nothing. The OP read as a bit of a vent to me.

Fleur

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2013, 04:56:18 PM »
This seems very mean-spirited to me.  Why do you get to judge who is worthy of feeling sad and who isn't?  Wouldn't it be kinder to simply ignore the threads that you don't think are worth your precious time? 

I usually make a point of posting hugs in threads about sick pets, because I know how helpless and sad I've felt when I've had to euthanize a pet.  I avoid threads about breakups because I don't "get" them in the same way.  So a poster like Kareng57 may see the "sick kitten" threads as being worthless, but to me, my pets being sick were some of the worst moments of my life, and I'm happy to offer hugs to posters going through the same thing.

We aren't all made the same way.  We all have different coping levels, and different things that upset us.  Better to be kind than make the forum exclusive to situations that one or two posters think are sad enough.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is posts like the OP that have made me hesitant to post in INAH, though I have posted once or twice. The OP came across as petty, judgy, and mean-spirited. This post says everything I wanted to say in response, but says it much better.

DottyG

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #43 on: April 10, 2013, 08:21:25 PM »
Adding another post of support for Surianne's post.  I agree.  If someone needs a hug for any reason, I think they should feel free to post there.  If anyone thinks someone's abusing the folder in some way, the usual EHell method of Report to Mod is there.

But I don't think it's up to anyone to judge the "worthiness" of something that affects another person.  Even if it's an external event, it can still create a feeling of sadness in us.  And it could be that, in our sadness, we may not phrase the reasons behind needing that hug or support in the way that best fits.  As such, maybe it appears to others as "this didn't directly affect you, so why do you need a hug?"  But, if you find that you're in a thread where you don't feel the need to comfort, it's simple to back out quietly and let others do it.

We say all the time here that a person's emotions are theirs to have and that they are not wrong for having them.  Yet here we have a thread indicating that that's wrong.  You can't have it both ways.  If a person is hurting, they're hurting.




MayHug

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Re: Parameters of "I Need a Hug"
« Reply #44 on: April 11, 2013, 02:27:08 PM »
Adding another post of support for Surianne's post.  I agree.  If someone needs a hug for any reason, I think they should feel free to post there.  If anyone thinks someone's abusing the folder in some way, the usual EHell method of Report to Mod is there.

But I don't think it's up to anyone to judge the "worthiness" of something that affects another person.  Even if it's an external event, it can still create a feeling of sadness in us.  And it could be that, in our sadness, we may not phrase the reasons behind needing that hug or support in the way that best fits.  As such, maybe it appears to others as "this didn't directly affect you, so why do you need a hug?"  But, if you find that you're in a thread where you don't feel the need to comfort, it's simple to back out quietly and let others do it.

We say all the time here that a person's emotions are theirs to have and that they are not wrong for having them.  Yet here we have a thread indicating that that's wrong.  You can't have it both ways.  If a person is hurting, they're hurting.

As my son would say "Ya, what she said!" :-)