Author Topic: Baby Shower Derailed  (Read 4988 times)

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sammycat

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2013, 08:56:05 PM »
I'm surprised you guys are still being as accommodating as you are.  Offering to throw a shower for your friend was a very nice thing to do.  Asking her for her input was also kind.  But her response to it all is bizarre.  You don't owe her a shower and honestly, at this point, I probably would give up completely, send the baby whatever gift (if any) you feel like getting, and wish her luck.  But I wouldn't put any more effort into doing something nice for her.

I agree, especially with the part I bolded.

So, why are we tip toeing? Well, mostly because after the disaster of A's wedding party not including any of us, or any of us really being part of anything for her wedding, (things which A has tearfully told us she regrets very much), we just didn't want the baby shower to turn into another life time regret for her.

From what I can see, A's wedding ended up the way it did mostly through her own actions (and that of her sister). Her baby shower is heading the same way for the same reason. If she chooses to be this way about events then she has no one to blame but herself if they turn into moments of regret (for her). 

You and your friends set out to do a very nice thing by holding this baby shower. The fact that it's gone to pot is not on you. The only thing I can see that you should have done differently is tell the sister 'thanks but no thanks' when she butted in, but that ship has now sailed. 

Honestly, at this point, I'd just be bowing out totally, and I'd be hoping/advising the other friends to do the same.  If A and her sister want to run events into the ground then let them.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #16 on: April 05, 2013, 11:31:05 PM »
When a coworker offered to throw a shower for me, she basically asked me, "do you like teddy bears or duckies better?"  I told her duckies, and she was off and running.  The only other input I had was to provide my parents' address so she could invite them to come (really nice of her, since it was a work shower but held at her house).  I think that the people who are hosting the shower are the ones who should be making the decisions, and other than things, as a PP pointed out, like allergies or handicaps, the mother-to-be needs to sit back and trust her friends, or decline the shower.

And I agree with the others that *her* choice to make this into a big issue are hers and hers alone, and if they lead to long-term regrets, so be it.  This is not normal pregnancy behavior, and pregnancy is not a free pass for this sort of thing.

cicero

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2013, 01:31:23 AM »
When a coworker offered to throw a shower for me, she basically asked me, "do you like teddy bears or duckies better?"  I told her duckies, and she was off and running.  The only other input I had was to provide my parents' address so she could invite them to come (really nice of her, since it was a work shower but held at her house).  I think that the people who are hosting the shower are the ones who should be making the decisions, and other than things, as a PP pointed out, like allergies or handicaps, the mother-to-be needs to sit back and trust her friends, or decline the shower.

And I agree with the others that *her* choice to make this into a big issue are hers and hers alone, and if they lead to long-term regrets, so be it.  This is not normal pregnancy behavior, and pregnancy is not a free pass for this sort of thing.
I agree. And I read what the OP wrote about this not being her normal MO... Well, she did this for her wedding did this for her shower.... I'm starting to see a pattern...

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BC12

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2013, 03:13:57 AM »
There's something about this that's not sitting well with me. I can't really put my finger on it.

I totally agree that Amy* messed things up by being demanding. You were doing her a favor, and she kind of sucked the fun out of it for you guys.

I guess I just feel like the original hosts all pulled the plug too soon? Her sister caused drama and angered Beatrice*, who then said she was out, which is fine, but then the whole group quit over their disagreement. That doesn't really seem fair to your friend, who has little control over her sister, I'm guessing.

And if you had all just thrown your hands up and said, "Okay, we're not going to have anything to do with the shower anymore" that would be fine. But you (as in your group) are still very much involved because you're providing the venue and the food. I think that's where my confusion is coming from. You're still kinda sorta "hosting" it, just in a hands-off kind of way.

*Can we go with full names instead of letters? It's becoming confusing.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2013, 03:19:54 AM by BC12 »

doodlemor

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2013, 12:30:32 PM »
Where I'm at now is I do think I will be honest in telling her I think its her (A's) fault that things ended how they did.

I don't think that you should do this.  It may likely just be feeding the drama llama, so to speak, and make things worse.

People change as the years go by, and I suspect that your friendship with Amy is swiftly going downhill.  If you cool the friendship and quietly drift away, there will be fewer hard feelings than if you engage in a confrontation. 

I'm not proposing that you give her a direct cut, just suggesting that you might want to downgrade this relation*ship to that of "friendly acquaintance."


lastnightsdream

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2013, 01:33:58 PM »
Not being friends anymore or downgrading friendship status with A isn't an option I want to take. I love her dearly, and though being PG doesn't allow people to be jerks, she has been more emotional. On top of things she is buying and selling her home, stressed with work things that are beyond her control, etc. Part of me wonders if she just latched onto the baby shower b/c she felt like it was ONE THING she could try to control. I don't know. I do know that in decades long friendships, people eff up sometimes. And cutting them out for an eff up one or twice in a couple decades isn't how we operate.

When A told us she was PG we all excitedly asked to host her baby shower. She told us to let her figure out what her family wanted to do - I did mention at that point I didn't think it was appropriate for family to host baby showers. One time, very early on. A couple months later she told us to go ahead with plans but to include her sister - which we said we would do. From there is where my original post starts - with me trying to contact the sister to no avail, etc.

I've been wondering if we pulled the plug too soon too. I've been working a lot of overtime and dealing with this big work trip coming up - but I tried to make an effort to reach out to the sister. But by then friend B had had enough and didn't have the desire to deal with this anymore. So yes, I think given the opportunity, I might have attempted to call up the sister, take her for coffee and just sort this out face to face. Still though - by that point A's comments re: not giving up control and not fully trusting us to do this our way stung.

JenJay

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2013, 01:40:10 PM »
If she contacts you again I think you should say "I don't know what you want from us. We tried to plan a beautiful themed shower for you, all you had to do was give us a guest list with addresses and show up. Instead you told us that you wanted to plan it yourself so we backed off. Now you're upset that the shower isn't nice enough? I'm sorry but it's too late for us to change your shower."

kudeebee

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2013, 05:59:02 PM »
I've been wondering if we pulled the plug too soon too. I've been working a lot of overtime and dealing with this big work trip coming up - but I tried to make an effort to reach out to the sister. But by then friend B had had enough and didn't have the desire to deal with this anymore. So yes, I think given the opportunity, I might have attempted to call up the sister, take her for coffee and just sort this out face to face. Still though - by that point A's comments re: not giving up control and not fully trusting us to do this our way stung.

As to the bolded:  i don't think you pulled the plug soon enough.  When A couldn't find the time to get you a list of guests (seriously, how hard is that to do?), when she said her sister had to be involved, when she said she couldn't give up control, that would have been the time you guys should have said "A, it probably would be best if your sister hosted your shower" and then let the sister handle it.  I think you all are being very gracious by even bringing food to the event.

Surianne

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #23 on: April 06, 2013, 06:51:55 PM »
When A told us she was PG we all excitedly asked to host her baby shower. She told us to let her figure out what her family wanted to do - I did mention at that point I didn't think it was appropriate for family to host baby showers. One time, very early on.

I don't think it was your place to say that.  And it explains a lot about why her sister wants to be so involved and why there's so much drama here. 

kckgirl

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #24 on: April 06, 2013, 07:25:47 PM »
It's not appropriate for family to throw showers that include guests who are not family. It is entirely appropriate for family to throw showers where all the guests are family members. If her family wanted to have a shower for her, that's really none of your business and you shouldn't have said anything about it.

Having said all that, the shower you were going to give sounds great, and I'm sorry the sisters tried to control something that was never theirs to control in the first place.
Maryland

peaches

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #25 on: April 06, 2013, 08:28:43 PM »
A shower is a gift. Usually, the MTB helps with the guest list (staying within a number the organizers can host), perhaps mentions the nursery colors and/or sex of the baby, and negotiates a date. Thatís it.

The OPís situation is a case where two showers would have made sense - one by and for friends, and the other a family shower given by the sister. Having the friends coordinating with the sister was never going to work IMO. But thatís water under the bridge at this point. 

I hope MTB comes around to showing gratitude for the efforts of her friends, and that everyone can relax and enjoy the shower.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2013, 08:45:21 PM by peaches »

sammycat

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #26 on: April 06, 2013, 09:02:47 PM »
i don't think you pulled the plug soon enough.  When A couldn't find the time to get you a list of guests (seriously, how hard is that to do?), when she said her sister had to be involved, when she said she couldn't give up control, that would have been the time you guys should have said "A, it probably would be best if your sister hosted your shower" and then let the sister handle it.  I think you all are being very gracious by even bringing food to the event.

I agree, and I wouldn't be contributing food, or anything else, at this point. If sister wants to handle it, let her.  Then A has no one else to blame but her sister and herself yet again when she has regrets.

TootsNYC

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #27 on: April 06, 2013, 09:36:09 PM »

So, why are we tip toeing? Well, mostly because after the disaster of A's wedding party not including any of us, or any of us really being part of anything for her wedding, (things which A has tearfully told us she regrets very much), we just didn't want the baby shower to turn into another life time regret for her.

As nice as it is for you to want make this a special memory for her, it's not up to you to ensure that she doesn't regret her actions.  If she didn't learn anything from the drama and subsequent exclusion of her best friends from her wedding party, that's on her.  She's lucky that you guys are all still friends after that mess and offering to do this for her.  If she's going to be demanding and difficult and if her and her sister are just going to cause more drama and tension, then she doesn't deserve to have you protect her from another milestone where she regrets her actions.  This is a consequence of her own actions...it's ok that she feels it.
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I agree. Stop trying to make it all better--she's the one messing it up.

Maybe you just need a phrase to shut her down when she starts lamenting.

Even now. I'd be annoyed as hell to have her whining at me about how throwing the shower was supposed to be so special for us. Yeah, right--when she has "a vision" and gets her sister all riled up.

She likes the drama, she wants the control.
I'm sure in other ways she can be a good friend, but just let go of this shower part. Let her be all upset about it--apparently she enjoys that.


bloo

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2013, 01:30:50 PM »
i don't think you pulled the plug soon enough.  When A couldn't find the time to get you a list of guests (seriously, how hard is that to do?), when she said her sister had to be involved, when she said she couldn't give up control, that would have been the time you guys should have said "A, it probably would be best if your sister hosted your shower" and then let the sister handle it.  I think you all are being very gracious by even bringing food to the event.

I agree, and I wouldn't be contributing food, or anything else, at this point. If sister wants to handle it, let her.  Then A has no one else to blame but her sister and herself yet again when she has regrets.

Agreed.

The moment A said, "Yea...no, I've got a vision..." was when OP's response should have been, "I see, I'll speak with the others and we'll bow out to let your sister handle it in compliance with your vision."

Attend or not, help or not, gift or not. Actions have consequences.

And I have zero tolerance for the 'pregnancy-emotions' excuse. I, and many others before and after me, have managed to not behave like entitled, special snowflakes when it comes to showers and such.

Lynn2000

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Re: Baby Shower Derailed
« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2013, 10:56:41 AM »
If she contacts you again I think you should say "I don't know what you want from us. We tried to plan a beautiful themed shower for you, all you had to do was give us a guest list with addresses and show up. Instead you told us that you wanted to plan it yourself so we backed off. Now you're upset that the shower isn't nice enough? I'm sorry but it's too late for us to change your shower."

POD to this. I do think there's a lot of drama and emotions flowing around from everyone, and a lot of mixed messages. From this and the wedding behavior, I get the sense that Amy likes drama, and she likes having things both ways. It's almost like she sabotaged your attempt at throwing her a nice shower, just so she could lament you guys not throwing her a nice shower--like it's suddenly totally out of her control, when the problems started because she wouldn't give you the basic info you needed and she insisted on her sister being in charge (changing the offer you'd made).

With the wedding, I see something similar. She ends up excluding all her BFFs from her wedding party because of actions started by one of them (Cynthia--whether she was out of line or not, I can't say), and then spends her time lamenting that you guys weren't in the wedding party. Well, whose fault is that? I get the sense she acts like a meteor falling out of the sky is causing these problems, when in fact it's her own actions. And there's nothing you guys can do to make her "happy" with these situations, because apparently, it makes her happy to complain about stuff that didn't turn out the way she "wanted."

Completely just my own observation from what's been posted here, of course.
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