Author Topic: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!  (Read 4002 times)

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dlws92

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Soooo....I'm in a situation that I never thought I'd be in.

There is a group of us that is united by a very close friend of mine who is very ill.  She was diagnosed 5 years ago with cancer and decided to let her purple diety cure her instead of traditional western medicine.  That's not the problem.  While I wouldn't make that choice, I support her and love her.

Many of her friends, who I have come to know over the years, also believe in a the same purple diety.  And they are angered by her choice as their concern is that people will blame purple diety.  Since I don't follow purple diety, I don't have a dog in that hunt and don't really care. 

However, no one wants to be angry at the sick lady.  They support her to their face and then individually come to me with their anger and bitterness.  Individually, they would tell me of their feelings...and it turns out they would then go tell sick friend that I said the things that they themselves had said.   

Examples of things I have allegedly said:
"Purple diety has turned his back on friend since she is still getting sicker"
"The Purple Diety is hateful and gave friend the illness"

Just some really crazy stuff especially since I don't even believe in the purple diety!  It caused minor problems but was handled with a "Do you really hear me saying stuff like that?"  These people also tried to accuse me of other things related to the business as well. 

For the past couple of years I worked keeping my sick friend's business afloat but recently stopped due to this group of people.  Intellectually I understand why they are doing what they are doing....but I'm not interested in being their method of expression or the person they can use to expell their anger.   I was the person they decided to cut out of the herd...likely because I'm very different from them.

My problem is that now friend is feeling like I abandoned her by leaving her business.  The official reason I have left is that I'm working on a new project, and I am, but I could have done both for a few more months.  However, the toxic nature of these other people was causing me great amounts of stress...my hair was falling out, lost weight, blood sugars were erratic, and I wasn't being the person I want to be. 

I don't want to tell her that these fellow purple diety types are a huge problem for me....she's very ill, possibly close to the end,  and I don't want this to be harder than necessary.   But I also don't want her to feel abandoned.  I've done some bean dip...but it is obviously causing her pain. 

I need something better....please help!

Take2

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2013, 03:21:53 PM »
Could you say that you don't want to create discord and it seems silly to go into needless detail, but the group who stayed had very different ideas about how the company should be run, you didn't want to have infighting and both directions could be viable, so you decided to step away to avoid hurt feeling and discord?

Danika

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2013, 06:01:00 PM »
Personally, I would copy exactly what you wrote here and give it to her. I would tell her up front that you don't want to get into the nitty gritty and start slinging mud and naming names, but that you were trying to help her yet these "friends" and their behavior were actually causing you health problems. Since your ill friend should not want you to be ill as well, I imagine she'll understand.

sweetonsno

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2013, 06:04:48 PM »
I think your best bet is to cultivate a relationship with her on an individual basis. Because the faith aspect seems to be the biggest contributor to (or, if we're honest, excuse for) the bad feelings and treatment, I'd blame that. Not in a "stupid Purple Deity ruins everything" sort of way, of course. I think you could probably say that the difference in faith is creating some tension and that you don't want to make others uncomfortable or feel uncomfortable yourself.

Roe

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2013, 06:05:38 PM »
Be honest. Tell her the real reason.

Mikayla

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2013, 06:23:53 PM »
Another vote for telling the truth.  In fact, it's doing her a favor, in addition to being etiquettely fine.  IME with very sick people, they need to know who is in their corner and who isn't, and the illness often tells them this. If you're saying there's expectation that her condition will remain this way or even worsen, she needs unconditional support, not second guessers and gossipmongers.

LazyDaisy

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2013, 06:31:38 PM »
I would tell her you are having an ongoing serious personal conflict with the others and you need to distance yourself from them for your own health. You need to step away from her business since you can't work with them, but that you will still be there to support her in other ways -- visit and call, bring food, help her to Dr. appointments, whatever you think you can manage. I wouldn't mention religion at all. They may be using their religion as the excuse, but the truth is they are just mean girls, their religion has nothing to do with it. And mentioning it may, in her mind, confirm any lies they've been telling her about things you've said.

Do you think they are cutting you out for financial reasons? Whenever someone is very ill, and friends or family turn into backstabbers, I automatically think someone is vying for an advantage to gain inheritance, or cover up stealing from the sick.
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." Douglas Adams

JeanFromBNA

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2013, 07:30:34 PM »

I don't want to tell her that these fellow purple diety types are a huge problem for me....she's very ill, possibly close to the end,  and I don't want this to be harder than necessary.   But I also don't want her to feel abandoned.  I've done some bean dip...but it is obviously causing her pain. 


Well, it's not purple diety types that are causing problems, is it?  It's these specific people, who happen to worship the same way as your friend. Why do you feel the need to cover for them? Does your friend usually deny reality, and you feel that you have to keep that facade up for her?

sammycat

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2013, 08:13:18 PM »
Another vote for telling the truth.  In fact, it's doing her a favor, in addition to being etiquettely fine.  IME with very sick people, they need to know who is in their corner and who isn't, and the illness often tells them this. If you're saying there's expectation that her condition will remain this way or even worsen, she needs unconditional support, not second guessers and gossipmongers.

I agree.

*inviteseller

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2013, 10:58:11 PM »
I agree with the others who say to gently tell her the truth.  Don't throw them under the bus, per se, but tell her that their beliefs are causing them a great deal of stress and they are turning that to you because they don't want to hurt her feelings with how they are feeling, which in turn is causing unnecessary problems between you two.  There is a certain degree of tip toeing around her due to her illness, but just because she is ill should not mean that she leaves this earth thinking that you are not the friend she thought you were because they are choosing to voice their personal displeasure of her choices by putting their words in your mouth..it is unfair to both of you.

snugasabug

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2013, 08:19:09 AM »
I have a friend who is also close to the end of her life (at 40!) and people sure do act strange.

If I were you, I would be honest with her and tell her the official reason you left "I am working on a new project......I am sorry you feel like I abandoned your business....it wasn't the case.  You are very important to me and I would like to stay connected with you.   I made some cookies for you...can I bring them over on the weekend?"

Distance yourself from the purple diety.....not from your friend.  Visit with just the 2 of you, if that's possible.

I would be brutally honest.  Tell her you think the world of her, and while you don't personally believe in the purple diety, you respect your friends choices...and you would like to have a relationship with her and tell her she means a lot to you.

It's not easy! And it's not wrong to take care of yourself either.

gramma dishes

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2013, 03:03:34 PM »
By all means assure her that the things she's heard that you've said are things that you NEVER said or even thought!  You have a right to defend yourself and she has a right to know that you haven't abandoned her as a friend. 

This kind of nonsense makes my blood boil!!   >:(

Snugasabug said it better though.   :)

dlws92

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2013, 05:57:12 PM »
Thanks for all the feedback and good advice!

I would hate to be fully honest about this....her fellow purple diety friends bring her great comfort.  They get together for praying and other stuff.  And they're nice to her face about it at least.  Taking that comfort away from her is not what I am willing to do at this point. 

So I'm thinking about putting together a combo of several of the above ideas....how does this sound:
"I know you've been feeling a little down about me leaving the business and I'm very sorry that you're feeling  this way.  The truth is I had to leave for me own sanity.   The others I was working with have a very different way of running the business.  And also, I don't think they are as comfortable with our religious differences as you and I are.  It causes conflict that none of us want.  My leaving has brought everyone, including myself, a huge amount of peace.  We all love you and we all want what we think is best...its just that I don't think like they do.  I'm not going anywhere.  I'm over for lunch anytime you want...you need to talk..whatever..I'm here.  I'm just not going to do your books anymore :)"

Her purple diety friends are horrible...but that might be due to the pain they're in right now.  My friend is in her early 40's so I don't think many of the friends have a lot of experience with the process of dying.  I was born to older parents and they have both passed so I'm a bit more accustomed to it.  Some people get downright squirrly around dying people.  I just can't stand their brokenness right now...and I don't want to take them away from my friend. 

JoyinVirginia

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2013, 06:00:50 PM »
OP, I really like that response! Focus in the positive, and do keep visiting. Just be busy if any of the purple friends call.

Sharnita

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Re: I can't say, "The crazy was too much" Help me with something else!
« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2013, 06:08:02 PM »
I don't know what "purple" is but as somebody who is religious I can give some perspective.  I would feel really frustrated and probably even a bit angry bout her choices.  I, and the majority of people I know who share my beliefs, pray for healing - and believe that frequently comes from modern medicine.  It is like the story of the guy on the rooftop praying to be saved from a flood and a boat comes along offering to save him but he says he is waiting for God to save him.  Then a helicopter comes by but he turns that down, too. He ends up drowning and when he gets to heaven he asks God,"Why didn't you save me?" and God says "I sent a boat and a helicopter".  Maybe these friends are praying for healing but it seems to them that she is rejecting the most obvious answers to prayer - and then asking them to pray some more.

That being said, complaing and then pinning the complaints on you is not the way to handle it.  Do these people all have one pastor? Is he/she involved? Is there any way you could meet with him/her and express your concern and your reluctance to undermine her spiritual support system?  Maybe he/she can address it in a way you can't while keeping it confidential.