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Author Topic: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home  (Read 17308 times)

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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #15 on: April 06, 2013, 07:35:40 PM »
reflection5 -- you asked for negative/positive stories. I'm giving you a positive story. Sometimes having someone in dire straits moving in with you doesn't mean that the situation will turn out bad.

Sure.  Sometimes it can be positive for everyone.  I know, things happen and sometimes we all need a good kind-hearted friend or relative to cut us a break. 

@ gramma dishes:
Letting them do laundry, giving them some groceries are very nice ideas.  :)


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2013, 08:50:26 PM »
Well I imagine this depends on your politics. If you are a liberal you would not only give them your home, but cash assistance. If a conservative, you'd try your darndest to find them a job.

I was initially going to delete this comment. The reason I'm not is to remind you that this post is not only irrelevant to the OP, but inflammatory as well. Also, please remember that politics are not discussed on this forum except as it pertains to etiquette.
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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2013, 09:18:15 PM »
It really depends... SunshineSister? In a heartbeat. My relatives? And if it were me living on my own? No chance. Just no.

Currently my cousin is living with us and I am having a hard time with it. That's just my experience.

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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2013, 09:33:02 PM »
We  are currently dealing with such a situation.
DragonSon's friend wound up at our door one midnight after being kicked out of his house.
He had been living with his sister in a very dysfunctional situation.

He has been with us for three months now and been actively looking for a place for two months. At least two situations have fallen through on him.
We have set a deadline of the end of this month, as after that we will no longer have the space.

Kyle is quiet, working full time and helps out when asked.
He also lives on a diet of pop, chocolate bars, beefaroni and pickles. (Most of it he pays for.)
All of which collect in his room. He does clean it up when asked, but keeps doing it, even though we've told him it's not OK.

I'm not sure where Kyle will go, but his Dad is here in town and I expect Kyle will stay with him for a bit. Kyle is still a minor and his dad will have to sign a lease anyway, so this is something they need to work out together.

This was a case of a kid in trouble, and we were willing to help. But we've done all we can and he needs to move on.
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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #19 on: April 06, 2013, 09:43:50 PM »
Need to stay with me for a week or two after being hospitalized?  Sure.  We can do that.

Other than that, there might be certain very specific exceptions, but no.  I would not let anyone move in with me.  Overnight or for a few days with just a suitcase?  Maybe.  But no longer than that and absolutely NO FURNITURE or other "permanent" belongings.

I might  be willing to possibly pay a month (or three) rent for them until they can get on their feet.  I might also be willing to pick up extra groceries for them and let them come by once a week to do a couple of loads of laundry.

But no.  I don't want to ever live with anyone else and I don't want anyone else living with us.

Agree with you 100%, Grandma.  When I got my mobile home my dad commented that if his marriage didn't work out he'd come and live with me.  I put an immediate veto on that.  If he lived with me he'd drive me up the wall, and I already know this.  While I won't turn away someone who's being abused I'd work with them to find them someplace to go, preferably far, far away from whoever is abusing them. 

The ones I really object to are the ones who just show up, say, "I haven't got any money and don't have anywhere to live," and just expect to be taken in with no effort on their part.  This happened to my former roommate while I rented a room from her, and I objected strenuously since I was paying rent and the other person wasn't (or just said she couldn't; I don't know the truth of the matter.)  When I told my roommate that either the other person started paying her way or I'd leave, she made the other person leave, but things got very ugly before that happened. 


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #20 on: April 06, 2013, 09:54:49 PM »
Generally speaking, yes I would, and have.  But it depends on the person.  There are some people I would say no to.

I charge rent.  Its low, but its there.

As to fixed out times, depends on the reason they're there but I expect to see that my housegueist is making moves towards moving on (ie. looking for work, saving money but not going out all the time, househunting etc).


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #21 on: April 06, 2013, 09:58:12 PM »
For me, it would depend. On how long, who it was, and so on. I live in a one BR apt, CRIVINS! one bathroom. I could have someone for a few days, but any longer than that would seriously disrupt my routine.  I would have to say one week tops, no exceptions.

I stayed with friends after Sandy when I had no power. two nights, but they have an extra room, and bathrooms. so it was fine, and we managed. I had no power, no heat, no nothing so I was grateful. I'd do the same for a friend, but not more than one. 

but someone who had no place to go, nad nothing lined up for the forseeable future? I'd have to say no.


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #22 on: April 06, 2013, 10:08:53 PM »
The ones I really object to are the ones who just show up, say, "I haven't got any money and don't have anywhere to live,"

I don't understand how a person (an adult) can live like that.

(Exceptions:  A fire or some other emergency).  But that's a totally different thing.

Otherwise, you have to see it coming. 


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #23 on: April 07, 2013, 03:52:32 AM »
My brother stayed with us for 6 weeks when he returned from an extended OS working holiday and needed to stay somewhere while he got sorted. I'd do it again in a flash. Anyone in my family would, that's just how we work. Also I have total and complete trust that no-one in my immediate family would take advantage of the situation and use it as an excuse to slack. We have also stayed with my mother for two weeks between selling one house and settling on the purchase of the other (the house was bought, it was just a contract/timing thing). Again, in my family it would be considered insane to pay rent when mum has four (yes you read that right) spare bedrooms. While we were there though, we bought ALL the groceries, did most of the housework, did some bigger jobs that needed doing and left a generous amount to cover any utitlities etc that may have arisen later.

However, for other people it would depend on the person. Assuming I had a spare room (I don't at the moment) I would have to know them well enough and be confident that they were doing their utmost to turn their life around, would be a considerate guest and would fit in with our family. To let them crash on my lounge I'd have to know them VERY well and they'd have to be desperate.
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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #24 on: April 07, 2013, 04:02:12 AM »
It really depends on the situation.

I was once in a very bad situation and needed a place to stay for about a month with my DS (who was around 3 at the time). i stayed with my sisters (each for about 2 weeks). if situation was reversed i would do the same in a flash - this is family and things happen.

my sister had to evacuate her home a while back due to hurricane and stayed with an aunt of ours. again, that's what family does. (at least in my world).

I once let a teen/young adult stay at my house for one night because he was kicked out of a special program and was sleeping on the street. I let him stay only one night because i found out that drugs were involved and both he and his mother lied to me about it, and I am not equipped to deal with drug addicts.

would i let someone actually live with me if they needed it? right now - no, because we really don't have the room. but if someone was suddenly without warning homeless (as in fire/flood/war) I would.

If it was someone who had a long history of bad choices and that is why they are homeless? hard to say. if i actually had the room, i would make sure to sign some kind of agreement with them and make sure there is an end date. I don't think i would charge rent (from someone who is homeless an jobless) but I would make sure that they are actively doing whatever they can to find a job AND I would request that they do X and Y housework

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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #25 on: April 07, 2013, 05:10:40 AM »
I have let a mate stay with me back when I was living in Sydney.  He stayed for a couple of months, crashing on the couch.  Worked out fine - my flatmate and I were out a lot, as was the friend, so it was simply a place to sleep most of the time.

Now?  Hmm.  I dislike having guests in general  (and have no spare room, though they could sleep in the "bed-in-the-shed"), so it would have to be an extreme circumstance.
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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #26 on: April 07, 2013, 06:02:59 AM »
We don't have the room, if desperate I suppose they could sleep on a sofa overnight but that would be the limit (we have a 3 bedroomed house and 4 kids, so the kids already share) - at one point we did consider taking nephew in though (he ended up living with his grandmother but we would have had him if she hadn't) but that a) would have been a tight fit and b) was before we had the youngest so our son did have a room to himself so the boys would have shared (occasionally nephew does stay over)


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2013, 07:13:22 AM »
My thought on letting someone stay in my home is that it depends on the person(s) and the circumstances.  Since there are a number of reasons why someone would need a place to stay and they all carry varying levels of need and urgency, there's no one good answer.  A neighbor whose house just burned and all they have are the clothes on their backs?  That's an easy "yes" for staying the night.  Disaster forced someone to leave for a while?  That depends on how close they are to me, since said neighbor might not be welcome for a week but a relative certainly would.  If someone close to me needed a place because they were escaping a bad situation and they're not normally the type who would take advantage?  I've actually done that one so again it's easy for me to say I would.  Someone close to me lost their income and risks eviction?  For that I'd be more likely to front them rent or mortgage money to stay in their own place than move in with me because that situation could turn into an extended stay and that's where things usually start getting hairy.

This idea also leads to how one could set up rules for staying.  For an emergency overnight there's not much need, but for a week or more it's not impolite to decide on rules, as long as the rules are laid out openly.



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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2013, 08:43:47 AM »
It would depend on the person, the reason, the timescale and amount of space I had.

I have a friend who has twice lived with me  the first time was planned - it was for around 6 weeks, and she paid rent. The second time was an emergency situation - I offered her a place to stay temporarily - this was intended to be for a few days while she worked out what to do. In the end , it was for about 6 weeks, but after the first week she paid rent.

When I made the offer, I knew what I was letting myself in for as she'd lived with me previously, so I knew that , while there were things which would bug me, there was nothing I couldn't live with on a temporary basis (She was a considerate guest / lodger, but I think there are always irritations when you're sharing your space)

I wouldn't hesitate to let any member of my immediate family stay if they needed it - whether/how much rent would depend on why they needed the space and how long they were staying - I probably wouldn't ask for rent if they were there for less than a month, but if they were there for more than a few days would  except a contribution towards the cost of food etc. so I wasn't out of pocket  - but with my family, I probably wouldn't have to ask.

Friends - would depend who and why. My BFF did move in with me when she separated from her boyfriend - but it wasn't an emergency so the move was planned, and she paid rent - she lived with me for about 8 months and I'd be happy to have her do so again any time - we go back a very long way, holiday together, and know we can get on well in the same house.

I do value my privacy, however, so anyone else I'd probably limit it to  few days. If I didn't have a spare room, then it would be max. 1 night, I think.


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Re: When a friend or relative needs a temporary home
« Reply #29 on: April 07, 2013, 09:09:31 AM »
Some years ago we were almost suckered into this situation, twice.

The child of a cousin (from my crazy side of the family) was going to attend an art college not far from where we lived.  He didn't want to live on campus.  Could we put him up until he found a place?  Faint echoes of the music from 'Jaws' started to sound in my brain. 

I talked to the kid and asked to see his portfolio. That's important for an art student.  He was reluctant because he thought I would be 'disturbed' by it. That was one red flag. 

Another went up when I found out that he and his friends had had some 'problems' with Home Boys in Brooklyn.  We firmly refused.

The other time, SIL told us that a child she had coached in junior soccer was attending the same school and needed the same sort of accommodation.  We had never met this child or its parents. 

I use the word 'its' because the kid had a neutral name like 'Lee' or 'Pat'.  The information was so sketchy we didn't even know if the student was female or male. 

Mr. Thipu put an end to that one pretty quickly but it was touch and go for a week or two.