S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?

[artk2002]

I'm sorry that this is making folks uncomfortable, but it's a fact of human relationships. If you exclude someone, deliberately or inadvertently, you're telling them where they stand in relationship to you. The fact that it's a wedding doesn't make everything ok.

Oh, it's not making me uncomfortable.  I simply disagree with you.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with. Are you saying that making a choice is not making a choice? That somehow choosing to have the wedding you want, that excludes certain people doesn't mean that you've prioritized that wedding over the people? How can it not mean that?

[Surianne]

I'm sorry that this is making folks uncomfortable, but it's a fact of human relationships. If you exclude someone, deliberately or inadvertently, you're telling them where they stand in relationship to you. The fact that it's a wedding doesn't make everything ok.

Oh, it's not making me uncomfortable.  I simply disagree with you.

I'm not sure what there is to disagree with. Are you saying that making a choice is not making a choice? That somehow choosing to have the wedding you want, that excludes certain people doesn't mean that you've prioritized that wedding over the people? How can it not mean that?

I disagree that having a small wedding or a wedding in a location the couple prefers and that is meaningful to them says anything significant about their fondness for family members.  I think that deciding it does is too simplistic and is looking for offence, when being happy for the couple and sending them best wishes is the best way to handle the situation. 

Not everything is about you, and not everything makes a statement about you -- "you" in this scenario being the extended family members who are upset/offended. 

Just let the couple have the wedding that they feel best represents their love and themselves.  Everyone should be allowed that much without bringing family drama into it. 

[*inviteseller]

The issue here is, the HC are NOT excluding people at all.  They sent people the save the dates, invitations will come out next.  Because due to some peoples preferences and schedules, some guests may not be able to come and others may have to seriously alter their lives for a weekend .  That is not the couples fault, nor is it an indication they are excluding people.  They want the wedding of THEIR dreams...that it doesn't fit what others want or the  need to make it easier on their guests to make it is not the couples issue.  I find it rude for anyone to dictate how the couple decides to have their day just because some might not like the location or it interferes with their work/school schedule or decide the couple just doesn't love them enough to do it like everyone else in the family has done it.  There are 2 families involved...his and his bride's and if they had to sit each guest down and decide what works for the guest, I would bet that there would be a problems trying to make everyone happy...on a day that you are supposed to be happy for them. 

[MizA]

I think that it does send a very clear message. Whether they intend it or not, the HC are making it clear that they value something, whether it's the location or the value or whatever, over the attendance of some of their invitees and the comfort of others. That is their choice and that, in and of itself, isn't rude. But it does tell the OP and others where they stand relative to other things in the HC's lives.

The bolded in particular really crystalized what I don't get about this thread: Why is a wedding the sum total of statements about the couple's relationships?

It's one day that is not exactly how you would prefer it.  The rest of your relationship with the couple over the years (past and future) doesn't disappear and isn't invalidated because it's difficult to attend their wedding and because it isn't as guest-focused as you might like. 

To some people, the wedding is about two people pledging their love for each other, in the manner that makes them happy and comfortable rather than about placating and including their entire extended family.  Perhaps nature is something that brought this couple together, and so celebrating at a state park is more true to their relationship than celebrating at a nice hotel would be.  That doesn't mean they don't love and value their family. 

As someone who may be planning a wedding in the not-distant future, this thread is a bit frightening. While I know I'd never plan an event on a Thursday and definitely would not have anything resembling a cabin in the mix, it also wouldn't occur to me to plan a weekend of events. And what ideas I have had are no doubt inconvenient for someone in ways I may not anticipate. I would hate to think that my idea of a meaningful and fun celebration were taken by a relative or friend as a message that I don't care about their presence.

These threads always make me feel that way! The idea that every interaction, especially to do with a wedding, is sending a message is quite alarming, especially taking into consideration different social norms, different family traditions, and so on. It just seems so easy to accidentally say 'I don't care about you' to someone, when that wasn't the intent at all--and when someone does choose to have a small wedding, there is often that tone of 'well, if they *want* to choose their comfort/finance over their family, that's their choice...'.

I agree.  I don't understand why, if you love your family members, it's so important to see out offence in everything they do

POD to all of the above. Planning something as major as a wedding brings up all sorts of weird ideas about entitlement, and issues about family relationships.

Unless you've spoken directly to your relative to outline your concerns, it's best to not make assumptions about why they're doing things the way they are. To come perfectly clean, I'm planning a wedding right now- we're about 5 weeks out. And, well, we're a little older, and are choosing to do it in a manner which we'll enjoy and suits us- After all, we're both adults who've been living independently for a loooong time, and we're paying for our wedding ourselves. While we did make sure our date was ok with our immediate families, we absolutely didn't check with the rest of our family members. Nor would it occur to us to do so. After all, we don't run other major decisions by them, and it has no bearing on our relationships with them.

If you're really upset, call him and talk to him about it. If you don't feel you can, then are you as close to him as you claim?

[gramma dishes]

If everyone in the family flew to another continent for his brother's wedding, I would imagine that this bride and groom think they're having a relatively low key wedding that could accommodate more people, not fewer.  There are a lot of people who could drive or fly across country who wouldn't even consider being able to attend a wedding on a different continent!

I think the bride and groom are having the wedding of their dreams and they don't have to consider what any or everyone else might find more acceptable.  No matter what kind of wedding they have or when and where it takes place, it will be inconvenient for someone. Probably lots of someones. 

My guess is that yes, they know a certain number of people won't be able to attend.  That happens.  But I certainly don't think it means they're trying to imply that they don't want certain people to come or that they don't care about them.  They just know they can't possibly please everyone and so have decided to please themselves and on this day, if never again, it really is almost "all about them". 

[katycoo]

A wedding is always inconvenient to someone.  Noone wants to play favourites with their guests and at some point, the wedding should be more about what the B&G want, than what would make the guests happy.

I do think that expecting most guests to travel to a place with little accomodation is a poor choice.

[ShadowLady]

My wedding was planned in less than a month for a particular date, and was inconvenient for some of my relatives.

Depends what is more important for them.

Though it would be nice if they could come up with better contact info for some of the B&B's.

[ChiGirl]

I doubt the HC is intending to send a message, but they're managing to do it nonetheless.

I'm with Art on this one: the HC's hospitality is lacking.  It seems that they want it all: they want all the relatives there (since they invited all the relatives), but still have it in a remote location, midweek (presumably because they're on a budget)...as the OP's dilemma with the B&Bs demonstrates, the HC is not going to get all those things.

By way of real-life comparison: my best friend had long dreamed of getting married on a mountaintop.  But once the actual planning began, she quickly realized that her grandmother would not be able to climb a mountain to see her get married.  She couldn't have both; she had to choose; she chose her grandmother over the mountain.

I really doubt that the HC is totally clueless about this.  At some point in the planning process, someone had to have pointed out "gee this is going to be hard for your guests."  They've made their choice.

And for those posters who think the OP is overreacting because she's faaaaamily, I would point out that the HC's venue/timing choices are going to make it hard for ALL guests, including their friends.

[*inviteseller]

As far as the accommodations, the invites haven't come out yet, only the STD cards, which in my time working in the invitation industry, never had info on accommodations.  That info comes with the invitation, so maybe they are setting something up and you will have more info when you receive yours.  Has anyone talked to him or the bride, or is this all speculations about motives just chatter among relatives?  I am sure the HC understands that people have jobs and school and that might make their attendance difficult or impossible due to work/school/travel issues.

[Venus193]

It would be impossible to please everyone and in doing so the couple would end up pleasing no one, not even themselves.

When I was in the SCA there were members who wanted to have an SCA wedding, which meant that the guests were invited to wear historical garb.  Many of their families were not down with this.   Most ended up with the official wedding (with mostly family) and the wedding of their dreams (Medieval or Renaissance) with their friends.

No message in their choices.

[nuit93]

I come from a very large extended family, and there have been several weddings in the past few years.  Inevitably, there was at least one relative that couldn't make it, including one brother of the bride who couldn't be present--because he was in medical school 5000 miles away.

Yes, everyone would have preferred to have all the relatives there, but had every HC in my family waited until every single relative was free, none of them would be married yet.

An invitation is not a summons.  I have received invites to weddings I would not be able to attend for various reasons. 

Would I have liked to attend?  Yes. 
Was I offended, or even hurt, that they didn't check with me personally to make sure I could be there?  No. 

I can't be at everything.  I have a busy schedule and a budget.  That's life.

[NyaChan]

In other situations though, haven't we said that when people schedule things at times/places they know you can't come they might be telling you something?  Like when a friend threw a birthday party for his girlfriend.  Her friend let him know that she would be out of town on one of the two dates he floated as possibilities to us all (he specifically asked about which we'd prefer).  He chose that date anyways because his own friends found it more convenient.  That to her IMO sends a clear message that those friends' presence outweighed the value of her own presence at the party to him. 

Granted in this situation there are far more factors, but on some level, the couple made a choice to schedule the wedding in a time and a place that would make it more difficult for people to attend.  I don't think that is an absolute message saying they don't want those people to attend at all, but I do think that it shows that the couple is willing to take the risk that those people may not come in return for having that type of wedding. 

[kudeebee]

The HC are planning the wedding that they want in a location that they like/can afford.  They probably  selected Thursday, as others have suggested, due to the lower costs involved.  I am sure that the cabins with bathrooms were booked by members of the family/bridal party.  That leaves the other cabins and the b&b's on the island for other guests who are attending.

I am sure when they booked this site and choose to do it on a Thursday, they realized that not everyone would be able to attend.  Choices have consequences, and when we make choices we have to live with the consequences.  So, HC can send out their std's and then the invitations, but cannot get mad when some people that they may have liked to attend rsvp "no".  They may be thinking 'this is the day we have selected and we have checked with our bridal party and close family and it works for greatest majority of family, we can have it at the place we want and save money; so this is what we want and those who can attend will attend, and those who can't will be missed."

No HC figures that everyone they invite will be able to attend.  Invited guests have a life of their own and the date that a HC has selected may not work for all of their guests.  HC should be happy about the guests that are able to attend.  So, I doubt that this was done deliberately to offend or hurt you (or other guests who live far away) or to send a message that you aren't important.  They could have easily picked another date==on a weekend with lots of nearby accommodations--that wouldn't have worked for you either.

They may not realize how inconvenient it would be for guests traveling across country by air to bring sheets, blankets, pillows, towels, dishes, etc.  Maybe they think those flying in will buy and then donate the items, maybe they don't have a clue, maybe they just don't care, maybe they have a plan for supplying these--have you asked about that? 

If you want to attend, check out the b&b's on your own.  I would not wait for the couple to assist you on this. 

If the b&b's don't work for you, you need to reassess whether you want to lug all of that stuff along with you or spend the money to buy it there and then perhaps donate it to an organization.  Do you want to traipse outside at night, maybe in the rain, to use the bathrooms?  Would you get a good night's sleep?  Can you afford to miss work during the middle of the week?  If this is more than you want to do in relation to the cabins or can't take the days off from work, then decline the invitation and move on--send a nice card/gift and wish them well.

[johelenc1]

On the other side of the coin, maybe the HC is thinking, "this is the wedding of our dreams.  If people really love us, they will do whatever they have to do to support us and be at our wedding even if it means missing class, missing work, and walking through the dark in the middle of the night to pee.  If they don't come, it must mean they don't really care about us."

This, of course, is as ridiculous as believing that not being invited to a wedding means the couple doesn't care about you.  Or, if you are invited and it's on your anniversary, birthday, child's BD, doesn't allow your precious children, is a destination wedding, on a Thursday, on a holiday, in the middle of the afternoon, is located in the middle of a lake...all these things also mean the happy couple just must not care if you attend and should affect your relationship for all eternity.

I think people need to just stop taking everything so personally.  The OP was invited.  The OP even wants to go.  All this is great.  But, circumstances may prevent it.  That's just the way it is.  The OP should send a lovely gift and a heartfelt note declaring just how much they would have loved to be there, but you just can't.  The HC will be sad, since I'm sure they sincerely care about the OP's family and would love to have them there, but they will be sad...and then they will move on.  As should the OP.

[kareng57]

Well, there's the rehearsal and subsequent dinner, the day of the wedding and, in some cases, a wedding breakfast the morning after the wedding. That's a pretty full weekend to me.

See, most of the weddings I've been to - including family weddings and friend weddings in which I was in the wedding party - did not have rehearsals, or rehearsal dinners.... so, this isn't something that I would do, and definitely not a mandatory wedding event to me.  Again, this goes to my point that there are many ways to celebrate and it would really make me sad to think that people I care about would feel slighted by choices my partner and I made or would take such choices as a reflection about how we feel about them.

I feel somewhat the same way - I will be hosting the rehearsal dinner at my son's wedding next year, and I would only be including everyone participating in the ceremony along with their SOs.  There will be no guests who will be travelling more than about 3 hours, and all of them are well acquainted with the area.