Author Topic: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?  (Read 13166 times)

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turnip

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #60 on: April 08, 2013, 01:33:28 PM »


...  The message is that they are having a wedding that is appropriate and meaningful for them, they love you and hope you can attend, and they understand if you can't.   This is the message every couple sends with every wedding thrown.  What alternative message are you looking for?

LOL!   So true ... and said so succinctly!!  ;D

Great post!


Thank you gramma dishes :-)   Reading your replies ( among others ) really helped crystallize my thoughts on this thread.

TootsNYC

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #61 on: April 08, 2013, 01:39:01 PM »
I think reading a message into it is..well, understandable, but maybe overall not helpful. to me, 'message' implies they deliberately thought 'We don't care about guests, we care about venue' and that probably wasn't the case. In my experience, people just don't think that way. It was more likely to be 'Oh, this sounds like a wonderful venue, we would love this type of wedding!'

If it's logistically bad for you to go, then the couple certainly can't offended when you don't. Maybe they do want a small, low-key wedding, or maybe they didn't put too much thought into it. It comes up frequently on this forum that different people see weddings very differently.

But, I personally just don't think looking for the message is likely to be useful for anyone, as the message directly sent to you was 'come to our wedding if you can' by inviting you. What would be the purpose of looking for anything else? Do you feel maybe perhaps they don't really want you there?

But at some point after thinking "this is a greats venue." They've would have thought "if cross country, less family can attend but I'm ok with that because we prefer small wedding."

I don't see where that is trying to send a message. But it's is clearly indicating what type of wedding they want. And it's not one with a large attendance of family and friends who live in the other side of the country.

The bolded is an "interesting assumption." It could be completely, "I'm OK with that because I want this venue so badly." Or "I'm OK with that because attending other people's weddings is a burden for people anyway."

Judah

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #62 on: April 08, 2013, 01:43:55 PM »
Look, you started this thread

Quote
What's the message here?

The message is that they are having a wedding that is appropriate and meaningful for them, they love you and hope you can attend, and they understand if you can't.   This is the message every couple sends with every wedding thrown.  What alternative message are you looking for?

This exactly.

When DH and got engaged we agreed that he would pick the date and I would pick the location.  I picked a location that was not convenient to anyone, not my family, not his family, none of our friends, but had special meaning to me.  DH picked a date almost a year and a half out that happened to fall on a holiday weekend.  If you received a wedding invitation from me it was because I very much wanted you at my wedding, but understood that many people might not be able to attend. 

We planned a wedding that was meaningful to us and we wanted to share our day with the people we loved, but we weren't expecting people to go to uncomfortable lengths for us. Frankly, it never entered my mind that people would be put out about the date or location. If they could make it, great. If they couldn't make it, we'd miss them and share the pictures later.
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Cami

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #63 on: April 08, 2013, 01:52:13 PM »
As someone who may be planning a wedding in the not-distant future, this thread is a bit frightening. While I know I'd never plan an event on a Thursday and definitely would not have anything resembling a cabin in the mix, it also wouldn't occur to me to plan a weekend of events. And what ideas I have had are no doubt inconvenient for someone in ways I may not anticipate. I would hate to think that my idea of a meaningful and fun celebration were taken by a relative or friend as a message that I don't care about their presence.

Well, there's the rehearsal and subsequent dinner, the day of the wedding and, in some cases, a wedding breakfast the morning after the wedding. That's a pretty full weekend to me.
In my experience, the only people attending the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party. I've never known anyone ot have a wedding breakfast either.

RingTailedLemur

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #64 on: April 08, 2013, 02:05:48 PM »
As someone who may be planning a wedding in the not-distant future, this thread is a bit frightening. While I know I'd never plan an event on a Thursday and definitely would not have anything resembling a cabin in the mix, it also wouldn't occur to me to plan a weekend of events. And what ideas I have had are no doubt inconvenient for someone in ways I may not anticipate. I would hate to think that my idea of a meaningful and fun celebration were taken by a relative or friend as a message that I don't care about their presence.

Well, there's the rehearsal and subsequent dinner, the day of the wedding and, in some cases, a wedding breakfast the morning after the wedding. That's a pretty full weekend to me.
In my experience, the only people attending the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party. I've never known anyone ot have a wedding breakfast either.

The wedding breakfast is the meal taken with guests after the ceremony.

Hmmmmm

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #65 on: April 08, 2013, 02:16:12 PM »
I think reading a message into it is..well, understandable, but maybe overall not helpful. to me, 'message' implies they deliberately thought 'We don't care about guests, we care about venue' and that probably wasn't the case. In my experience, people just don't think that way. It was more likely to be 'Oh, this sounds like a wonderful venue, we would love this type of wedding!'

If it's logistically bad for you to go, then the couple certainly can't offended when you don't. Maybe they do want a small, low-key wedding, or maybe they didn't put too much thought into it. It comes up frequently on this forum that different people see weddings very differently.

But, I personally just don't think looking for the message is likely to be useful for anyone, as the message directly sent to you was 'come to our wedding if you can' by inviting you. What would be the purpose of looking for anything else? Do you feel maybe perhaps they don't really want you there?

But at some point after thinking "this is a greats venue." They've would have thought "if cross country, less family can attend but I'm ok with that because we prefer small wedding."

I don't see where that is trying to send a message. But it's is clearly indicating what type of wedding they want. And it's not one with a large attendance of family and friends who live in the other side of the country.

The bolded is an "interesting assumption." It could be completely, "I'm OK with that because I want this venue so badly." Or "I'm OK with that because attending other people's weddings is a burden for people anyway."
Oh, I didn't mean to imply that everyone who plans a wedding at a location distant from a majority of guests want a small wedding. Was just using that as an example of a couples thinking. There could be lots of reasons.

I mentioned a neice who did a destination wedding. She and her DH would have been thrilled to host a 100+ guests at their wedding. But they were fine with having the 20 that attended because the location was very important.

Calistoga

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #66 on: April 08, 2013, 02:28:08 PM »
When we got married, we set our date to be as convenient as possible- we did it over a long weekend so that people would have an extra day off from work, we announced our dates well in advance. ALL of our guests were from out of state, some within easy driving distance, some from 2000 miles away. We wanted everyone to come, but we knew we were asking a lot, so we weren't at all upset when people couldn't make it. But the fact of the matter was that no date would be perfect for everyone.

I think the HC in the story is probably of the same mind set. You want people to come, it's important to you...but you can't always make it happen.

Just Lori

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #67 on: April 08, 2013, 03:32:24 PM »
There seems to be an assumption that the HC is perfectly fine with people declining the wedding because the location is too inconvenient.  I don't think we have confirmed that anywhere.  It will be interesting if the OP can update us as the date draws near.

I would be sad if our beloved nephew chose a location like the couple in the OP.  Such a location would be a logistical nightmare for us, and we would have to decline.  That doesn't mean the couple is rude.  It doesn't mean we're selfish.  It simply means that I would be sad to miss the couple's wedding. 

LadyL

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #68 on: April 08, 2013, 03:47:22 PM »
It is interesting to me that some people feel that the wedding is about the couple, and therefore the couple's preferences therefore overrule those of their guests on all fronts. LordL and I are paying for the majority of our wedding, which in my understanding makes us the hosts. Hosts are supposed to take into consideration the hospitality they extend their guests. To not do so would feel rude to me, but it sounds like most people believe it wouldn't be. For example, if I felt like being physically active was a defining thing for my fiance and I and therefore we were going to have all our guests hike a mile up to our ceremony with us and then have everyone stand instead of sit for a one hour ceremony, would this truly be chalked up to "that's the couple's preference, nothing more and nothing less"? If it would be rude to throw a party with certain accommodations omitted (like not having easy access to bathrooms) why is it ok for a wedding?

RingTailedLemur

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #69 on: April 08, 2013, 03:49:37 PM »
Because as long as you are up front about it and are nice if/when people decline, it really isn't an issue.  An invitation is not a summons.

dawbs

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #70 on: April 08, 2013, 03:51:31 PM »
When we got married, we set our date to be as convenient as possible- we did it over a long weekend so that people would have an extra day off from work, we announced our dates well in advance. ALL of our guests were from out of state, some within easy driving distance, some from 2000 miles away. We wanted everyone to come, but we knew we were asking a lot, so we weren't at all upset when people couldn't make it. But the fact of the matter was that no date would be perfect for everyone.

I think the HC in the story is probably of the same mind set. You want people to come, it's important to you...but you can't always make it happen.

This isn't intended to pick on this poster, but is a prime example of "you can't win for loosing"; there will always be people peved w/ the date.

I don't like weddings over holiday weekends.  I get very few of these per year and they're one of the FEW times Mr. Dawbs and I have the same day off --I don't share those weekends with anyone but the closest of the close--and then, sometimes grudgingly.
Generally, for a weekend wedding, he has to work (and declines) and I don't have work and attend.  If it was over, say Labor Day weekend?  I'd skip it, unless it was one of a very select handful of people.

DavidH

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #71 on: April 08, 2013, 04:00:09 PM »
On the other hand, they have succeeded in sending the message that they are either clueless (and unwilling to be clued in) or care more about the location than the attendees.

I'd like to clarify what I meant.  You all may still disagree. 

They have picked a venue and time that is particularly inconvenient for many people to attend.  It is their right to do so since it's their wedding, but it is still a choice.  By doing so, there are two possibilities.  One is that they don't realize that it's inconvenient in both time and place, which is what I meant when I said clueless.  The other is that they are making a choice and saying to themselves, the location and time is very important to us, so important in fact, that we will forgo having people attend who would be able to attend a weekend wedding closer to a motel or hotel.  Again, they're find to make that decision, but should recognize it for what it is. 

It's kind of like what Judah said below, "When DH and got engaged we agreed that he would pick the date and I would pick the location.  I picked a location that was not convenient to anyone, not my family, not his family, none of our friends, but had special meaning to me.  DH picked a date almost a year and a half out that happened to fall on a holiday weekend.  If you received a wedding invitation from me it was because I very much wanted you at my wedding, but understood that many people might not be able to attend. "

She knew the venue might she chose might mean that some people couldn't attend, but choosing a venue that had special meaning to her was more important than making it easier for those people to be there.  It's not a slight against anyone in particular, and certainly not the same way not inviting Aunt Tilly would be to Aunt Tilly.  It's about prioritizing.

dawbs

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #72 on: April 08, 2013, 04:34:51 PM »
There's a 3rd factor besides clueless and choosing based on other priorities..."things the rest of us don't know about played in".

For example, the last time I had a *big life event* that I had a chance of happening on a schedule, I planned around my mom's chemo treatments.  Moving things from a Monday to a Tuesday was awkward for a lot of people...but it meant she felt better during the event than she would have if it had been on Monday.
No one outside of immediate family knew that was why I moved things (it was nobody's business).

And all 'other factors' aren't as dramatic as that; but they certainly exist.  The OP has no way of knowing if there is something--a close friend's deployment, a family member's illness, the dog's knee surgery, that a horoscope said they should only do this on Thursdays and where certain lay lines cross--something that makes this date/location the 'best' choice for them.

One is either close enough to the happy couple to know their reasoning or just has to assume that they ahve their reasons and that they'll be reasonable about any declines.

Cami

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #73 on: April 08, 2013, 04:42:12 PM »
As someone who may be planning a wedding in the not-distant future, this thread is a bit frightening. While I know I'd never plan an event on a Thursday and definitely would not have anything resembling a cabin in the mix, it also wouldn't occur to me to plan a weekend of events. And what ideas I have had are no doubt inconvenient for someone in ways I may not anticipate. I would hate to think that my idea of a meaningful and fun celebration were taken by a relative or friend as a message that I don't care about their presence.

Well, there's the rehearsal and subsequent dinner, the day of the wedding and, in some cases, a wedding breakfast the morning after the wedding. That's a pretty full weekend to me.
In my experience, the only people attending the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party. I've never known anyone ot have a wedding breakfast either.

The wedding breakfast is the meal taken with guests after the ceremony.
Oh, I see. I took the words "the morning after the wedding" to mean that it was the morning THE NEXT DAY after the wedding, not the same day.  Apparently everything happens in the morning? No evening weddings? Or do you call the meal at an evening wedding a wedding breakfast?

violinp

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Re: S/O of The Postponing the Wedding thread - What's the message here?
« Reply #74 on: April 08, 2013, 04:45:34 PM »
As someone who may be planning a wedding in the not-distant future, this thread is a bit frightening. While I know I'd never plan an event on a Thursday and definitely would not have anything resembling a cabin in the mix, it also wouldn't occur to me to plan a weekend of events. And what ideas I have had are no doubt inconvenient for someone in ways I may not anticipate. I would hate to think that my idea of a meaningful and fun celebration were taken by a relative or friend as a message that I don't care about their presence.

Well, there's the rehearsal and subsequent dinner, the day of the wedding and, in some cases, a wedding breakfast the morning after the wedding. That's a pretty full weekend to me.
In my experience, the only people attending the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner are the wedding party. I've never known anyone ot have a wedding breakfast either.

The wedding breakfast is the meal taken with guests after the ceremony.

In the States, I've only heard it referred to as a meal the day after the wedding. I know that the UK and other countries do it differently, but that's how it's referred to by the people in the US with whom I am acquainted.
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