My question was do all of these choices send the message that having many of their friends and relatives at the wedding was not a priority for them and that they would prefer to keep it small and intimate and it was better for family relationships to achieve that by making it difficult for many people to attend and so they will decline rather than not inviting them.
After your update, I still say that the choices say that this location was the most important to them (hence the willingness to get married on a weekday vs. a weekend somewhere else). And this choice does mean that the wedding will undoubtably be smaller and more intimate had they made different choices. But, it sounds like you are accusing them of not wanting you (and others) to come to their wedding at all and instead of just not inviting you, they are deliberately making choices to force you to decline. I have a hard time seeing how/why someone would go through this much trouble (travel, pick a weekday, etc). Is your family so intent that *everyone* be invited and get so insulted when they're not that this couple would feel the need to go through all this extra trouble? It seems unlikely, though I guess, not impossible.
I get why you would be disappointed if you were thinking that this wedding would be an opportunity to meet/see the extended family and I even understand that this is the norm for your family. But, I do think that it's an unrealistic expectation to put on this couple. Surely, hosting everyone in the extended family (add friends, the brides whole extended family...to be fair..etc) can get expensive. And it may just not be the atmosphere they are going for. I think it's much kinder that unless given evidence otherwise, you assume that you were invited because they would like you to be there on their wedding day. And the location was picked solely because it's the place where they want to be married.
As for the misspelling and no last names and the lack of information on the website, etc...I'll give it to you that maybe they are sloppy in their organization and their coordination of this wedding. But, that just makes them poor planners/organizers, not people deliberately trying to keep you from attending their wedding. The easiest way to do that would be to just not invite you.
There's a bible verse that says, "Where your heart is, there your treasure will be," and IME this has proven to be true. If something is important to you, you take the time to do it correctly. If I want you to get a piece of mail, perhaps I make a mistake in the spelling of your name or your street number, but I will put your last name on it. Unless I'm six and sending it to Grammy and Grandpa. I think omitting last names takes a little more than disorganization.
I do not think that the B and G deliberately set out to find a way to invite people but not have them attend, but when you select a date and your parents and siblings, with whom you are very close, tell you that your choice will mean that there will be several people who do not come and many others who will be very inconvenienced by doing so and you decide to do so anyway, what else is to be assumed other than that the location is more important than having those people attend? And, once more, there is nothing wrong with that.
And as for it being easier just to not invite you, that's true, but that might also mean fewer wedding gifts. Their wedding web site pages are all blank - those meant to detail how they met, photos, the wedding party, details about accommodations in the area except for the C of C link to the list of B&Bs, and information about the ceremony and reception, but the registry pages are completely filled out, with details about the $200 Le Creuset pans and $200 coffee maker they'd like as well as their honeymoon fund.
I'm finding it hard to equate that this is a cousin that you are so fond of (from your OP) and also someone who you think, without question, would purposely plan an entire wedding to specifically exclude all his family members all the while getting expensive gifts from them. And if his family is paying for a large portion of it and allowing this "terrible" behavior, then they are just as guilty, right?
If you can acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with them choosing the wedding they want over the wedding that you expect them to have, then I don't see the problem. If them not having the large, family reunion type wedding that you are accostomed to makes it difficult for you to respect their choices and just be happy for them, then you're better off not going and not sending a gift. And the end of the day, this wedding really is about them. It doesn't matter that all the focus will not be on them all the time. It doesn't have to be for it to still be about them. It doesn't matter that they have an obligation to the guests that are able to come to make sure that they are fed, comfortable, and enjoying themselves. They can meet all those obligations and still throw the wedding that makes them the happiest. And it seems to be a wedding at a State Park on an Island on a Thursday. And it even seems that they wanted you to attend, because they sent you a STD card.
And, I'm really having a hard time understanding how not putting your last name on the card is evidence that all they want is gifts. Last names don't have to be on envelopes to receive mail. But even if they did, and the goal was for you to never get the card(seems like a waste of stamp, when they could just lie about sending you one), then it can't possibly be a gift grab. How would you know to buy them a gift? And, to me, this is the most frustrating because we are talking about STD cards, not actual invites. STD cards, IME, are sent out early in the planning stage (when the date and location are known), so people can keep their calendars clear, not when every single detail of the wedding has been worked out. Maybe their website isn't completed yet. Maybe all the plans aren't set in stone right now. (And again, not filling in how they met is just missing fluff, not evidence that they are trying to exclude you.)
Bottom line, you got a STD card with the date and location of the wedding in the mail. This does not equal behavior of someone that is trying to exclude you from their wedding. If your family is not important enough to consider working around their preferences when choosing a date and a location, why would they be important enough to go through all this planning and effort to make it appear like you're invited when in reality you aren't welcome at all?
