Author Topic: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)  (Read 2986 times)

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PennyandPleased

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Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« on: April 09, 2013, 11:21:51 AM »
BG:: My senior year in college I became friends with 3 girls. After college we got pretty close, but then I REALLY got to know them and realized they were toxic people. For many reasons and after one particularly cruel incident I made the decision to remove these 3 girls from my life. I did the 'fade out' and it worked. I have not seen or spoken to any of them in 2.5 years. The worst of these 3 girls is "Connie".

Connie travels for work and will often 'live' in various locations for about 3 months for work then transfer to a new location. For the first time she is transfered temporarily to the city I live in. When she got her assignment she emailed me 3 times that she would be in my city for a few months, we should hang out, would love to see me, etc. I did not respond to her emails.

Normally Connie lives 3.5 hours from me and has never come to the city I live in so outside of this trip I don't worry about her being in the area. :: END BG

When I moved to the city I now live in I reconnected with another college friend "Kara". Kara knew of Connie but not well. Me and Kara have become very close. I've never discussed the Connie situation or cutting those 3 girls from my life with Kara. It's just never come up.

Kara's birthday is coming up and she is having a birthday at a local bar, about 6 people total.

Connie facebook messaged Kara, told her how she's in town for a few months and wanted the "3 of us" (Me, Kara, Connie) to hang out, this is after I ignored her emails. Kara, not knowing the situation, invited Connie to her birthday party. So now I will have to see Connie.

At the party I will be fine slapping a smile on my face and dealing with Connie. I can "bean-dip" like a champion and I am not worried about interacting with Connie. However, after this party, I have ZERO interest in ever seeing Connie again.

Should I tell Kara about my past with Connie? About the "incident" that made me end contact with her? (The incident was BAD.)

I would NEVER ask Kara to stop hanging out with Connie if they end up hitting it off and become friends but I also don't want Kara thinking the 3 of us are going to be buddies while Connie lives here.

The party is Saturday and I'm not sure how to procede between now and then.

JeseC

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2013, 11:26:18 AM »
I'd just say something simple like "I had some issues with Kara previously and I'd rather not rekindle the friendship.  Feel free to go out without me, though, I won't mind!"  Don't mention any of what happened unless asked.

Shoo

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2013, 11:26:43 AM »
Kara is your good friend, so yeah, I would tell her.  I'd want to know if an acquaintance of mine did something horrible enough to my good friend that she gave her the cut direct.

bah12

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2013, 11:30:37 AM »
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to Kara (yet) and go to the party as you planned and just be cool but polite with Connie, not engaging her unless you absolutely have to.

After that, if Kara wants to hang out with Connie, then she  can.  If they invite you along, decline.  Continue to make plans with Kara sans Connie and if Kara asks if she can invite Connie say that you'd prefer she didn't.

If, and only if, Kara asks you why you aren't friendly with Connie, would I say something.  And even then you can say "we were friends in college, but had a falling out and I prefer not to reopen and revisit that time."

And you never know...Connie may have matured in the last 2.5 years and is no longer the same person.  That doesn't mean you have to give her chance.  You don't.  But I do think you should see how things go at and after the party before saying anything to Kara about your past with Connie. 

Luci45

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2013, 11:34:59 AM »
At the party I will be fine slapping a smile on my face and dealing with Connie. I can "bean-dip" like a champion and I am not worried about interacting with Connie. However, after this party, I have ZERO interest in ever seeing Connie again.

That is what you need to do for the party. There is no reason to stir up dirt and spoil Kara's day.

Afterwards, I would avoid all attempts from Kara to become friends, and if she pushed it and didn't take the signals you put out, finally tell Kara what happened.

(bah12 posted as I was posting. I agree with her.)

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2013, 11:40:42 AM »
I would follow through on your plan for the party.  After the party, I'd sit down with Kara and let her know that you are not interested in hanging out with Connie due to things that happened previously.  And that you'd like to continue to hang out with Kara anytime, just the two of you.  Or with a group that doesn't include Connie.  I wouldn't give her any details about what happened, mainly because it feels like gossip to me.

Kara gets to make her own decision as to whether or not Connie has changed since you knew her before.  Even if she has changed, you are not required to forgive and forget her past transgressions and start hanging out with her.

I have someone I've cut off that my other friends still see and have contact with occasionally.  I've let them know I'm not interested and we all just do things separately.
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
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Otterpop

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2013, 11:43:11 AM »
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to Kara (yet) and go to the party as you planned and just be cool but polite with Connie, not engaging her unless you absolutely have to.

After that, if Kara wants to hang out with Connie, then she  can.  If they invite you along, decline.  Continue to make plans with Kara sans Connie and if Kara asks if she can invite Connie say that you'd prefer she didn't.

If, and only if, Kara asks you why you aren't friendly with Connie, would I say something.  And even then you can say "we were friends in college, but had a falling out and I prefer not to reopen and revisit that time."

And you never know...Connie may have matured in the last 2.5 years and is no longer the same person.  That doesn't mean you have to give her chance.  You don't.  But I do think you should see how things go at and after the party before saying anything to Kara about your past with Connie.

ITA with this.  I told my now ex-friend about "Connie" and it bit me in the posterior.  They became closer and I was excluded for being a "meanie" and holding a grudge.  Toxics can be very manipulative.  Better to attend and be polite but distant, or do not attend at all. 

jmarvellous

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2013, 12:44:44 PM »
If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to Kara (yet) and go to the party as you planned and just be cool but polite with Connie, not engaging her unless you absolutely have to.

After that, if Kara wants to hang out with Connie, then she  can.  If they invite you along, decline.  Continue to make plans with Kara sans Connie and if Kara asks if she can invite Connie say that you'd prefer she didn't.

If, and only if, Kara asks you why you aren't friendly with Connie, would I say something.  And even then you can say "we were friends in college, but had a falling out and I prefer not to reopen and revisit that time."

And you never know...Connie may have matured in the last 2.5 years and is no longer the same person.  That doesn't mean you have to give her chance.  You don't.  But I do think you should see how things go at and after the party before saying anything to Kara about your past with Connie.

ITA with this.  I told my now ex-friend about "Connie" and it bit me in the posterior.  They became closer and I was excluded for being a "meanie" and holding a grudge.  Toxics can be very manipulative.  Better to attend and be polite but distant, or do not attend at all.

I hate to say it because I know how awkward and horrible it can be, but I have had this experience, as well. Someone treated me like dirt, I aired my grievances (and my version of her twisted story) to anyone who might 'need' to know why I didn't want to be around her, and I lost loads of friends who didn't fully understand the situation no matter how clearly I spelled it out (digging myself deeper, I see now).

Several years later I wound up at a tiny gathering with her, and while time doesn't heal all wounds, it was surprisingly easy to avoid talking directly with her without acting bizarre or sharing everything all over again.

TootsNYC

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2013, 02:41:40 PM »
I think the most I would do would be to tell Kara, "I'm really not close with her anymore."

And if then i was sort of pressured by Kara to be buddies w/ her, i'd say, "I realized that we don't have as much in common as we did, and I don't enjoy her company all that much. So please leave me out of any of the plans you make."

And of course, now in the lead-up to this event, just be sort of unenthusiastic and vague about seeing Connie.

(I might mention in advance to Kara that I'd discovered we didn't have as much in common anymore, if I thought Kara was getting too enthusiastic about the reunion.)

amylouky

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2013, 03:06:22 PM »
So... Connie doesn't really know Kara, but found out that you and she were friends, so she messaged her to make plans for the three of you, after you had pointedly ignored her requests to get together, just the two of you?
That, to me, is creepy. She's using Kara to get to you, and probably counted on Kara not knowing what had transpired between the two of you.
Honestly, looking at it from Kara's point of view, I'd be upset if you did NOT tell me that things are not as they seem with Connie.

magician5

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2013, 03:29:19 PM »
Say nothing to Kara.

Say almost nothing to Connie ... don't initiate conversation with her, and if she tries to speak with you, be minimally polite and say "how nice to see you again ... excuse me, I have to freshen my drink" and move away.

That's all. There doesn't seem to be any need to bring this up with Kara at all either before or after the party.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

Amara

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2013, 03:32:26 PM »
I would be honest with Kara ahead of time so that she knows going into Saturday night the reason you will be acting coldly polite to Connie. Otherwise, she may be confused and possibly angry or annoyed at what she perceives as "unfriendly" behavior on your part (however polite it is).

As a couple of people mentioned above, details are not needed and are best not shared. I especially like "we were friends in college, but had a falling out." You can then add, "I simply do not want to see Connie any more."

Hmmmmm

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2013, 03:33:42 PM »
I'd go to the party and avoid Connie as you plan.

Whether to confide in Kara about your previous experiences would depend on her and your relationship. Since you are asking, I think there is some concern about drama occuring if you do. Based on that, I wouldn't say anything to Kara about Connie unless she suggests sometime in future the 3 of you get together. Then you can tell her that your not interested in renewing a friendship with Connie as there was some unpleasent situations in the past.

Since Connie is only going to be around for 3 months, you can try to avoid her.

bopper

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2013, 03:36:26 PM »
I would tell Kara that you and Connie have a history and pay no mind that you will be ignoring Connie at her party.

Eeep!

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Re: Seeing someone you cut out of your life (LONG)
« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2013, 03:46:28 PM »
So... Connie doesn't really know Kara, but found out that you and she were friends, so she messaged her to make plans for the three of you, after you had pointedly ignored her requests to get together, just the two of you?
That, to me, is creepy. She's using Kara to get to you, and probably counted on Kara not knowing what had transpired between the two of you.
Honestly, looking at it from Kara's point of view, I'd be upset if you did NOT tell me that things are not as they seem with Connie.

I think I agree with this.  You don't have to make a big soap opera out of it but a casual "Hey Kara, thanks for thinking of me and inviting Connie but just so you know I don't really consider her a friend anymore so don't feel like you have to do it again." And then go to the party and proceed as planned. 
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss