Author Topic: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Final UPdate pg4 post 52  (Read 11675 times)

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hjaye

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A bit of background.

My wife and I bought the house we are now living a little over a year a half a go.  We love the house, it has everything we were looking for, large enough to have family or friends stay over, a beautiful backyard, large pool, it is our dream house.

We have one pet, a Calico cat who is queen of the house.  She is thirteen years old and although she can be a little demanding at times, she is perfect for us.  both my wife and I have owned dogs in the past, and we have no problems with dogs, so long as they are not ours.  We know the time and energy it takes to own a dog, and we are not at all interested in putting forth that effort.  however, it has also come to the point, where we do not want dogs at our house.

This is for a few reasons. 

First off, My wife's daughter stayed with us for close to nine months, she and her daughter both had a dog.  I liked the dogs when they were at her house, I learned to really dislike them when they were at ours.  The running around, barking, not being housebroken, and breaking things quickly had me not liking dogs, especially at my house.

then last Christmas, my wife's grandson shows up at our house (we knew he was coming) with his little rat terrier, but don't worry..... "He's housebroken"  NOT!!!!

Plus, our cat does not like having other pets around the house, especially dogs.  When the two dogs were in the house, she would end up taking refuge in the laundry room while the dogs were in the living room.

So we have finally got our house back, the dogs are gone, the carpets have been cleaned and we are very glad to be dog free.

So now I have to develop a polite spine.  My wife's son lives about three hours from us.  He has a dog that actually used to belong to my wife's granddaughter(the one that was living us for a while) She had to get rid of the dog because she (the dog) was too rambunctious and liked to chew on things, including the siding of the house.  We have been to his house, and although it looks like the dog no longer chews on things, she still likes to run around, and will sit outside and bark incessantly if she feels she is being ignored.

My wife's son is planning on coming to visit in a few weeks, and he asked my wife if we would mind if he brought the dog.  She said she would have to check with me, and my reaction was not no but H*ll NO! She told him I was less than thrilled with the idea.  she really should have left it at that, but she told him I had been fed up with dog crap all in my back yard, with barking dogs that can't be left alone, and with the damage a dog can do to the house.

he told her not to worry, he would make sure all messes the dog makes will get picked up, he will not bring the dog in the house, and if she does break anything he will not leave us hanging but will make sure to pay for any repairs, or help to repair it himself.  In other words, he had decided he is going to bring the dog anyway.

I told my wife I think this is extremely rude, after being told I did not want the dog at the house to go ahead and bring her anyway.  I don't want to create a scene, I know my wife wants to see her son, and his daughter, I'm not going to turn him away at the door, and I've had a pretty good relationship with him and I don't want to destroy that.

I'm not sure if there is anything I can say at this point expect maybe some PA remarks when he gets here.  I'm not sure how I want the dog to act.  if she does bark incessantly, or break one of my sprinkler heads (something one of the other dogs did) it will be easy for me to tell him don't ever bring the dog back (by the way, he's only bringing her because he does not want to spend the money to kennel her for the weekend.) If she behaves, he'll be able to say "see that wasn't so bad" except that even if she behaves, I don't want dogs at my house!!!!!

I know my wife doesn't want the dog here either, but at this point, if I'm going to keep the dog out of our house and backyard, I'm going to have to be the bad guy.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2013, 11:09:52 AM by hjaye »

siamesecat2965

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2013, 12:22:35 PM »
I think first of all you and your wife need to get on the same page. and then she needs to call her son, say you both have discussed things, and have decicded that its not possible for him to bring the dog, end of discussion. Its your house, and you can certainly go back on your agreement that the dog can come. You can say, if asked, that its stresses your cat out too much, and its her house, and therefore the dog can't come.

You don't have to give any reasons, other than its your house, and you've decided that the dog isn't welcome. Don't JADE; just be polite and firm.

And his not wanting to kennel it, and pay for it? Well, that's part of being a pet owner, taking care of and the expenses of a vet, kennel, dog sitter etc.

Black Delphinium

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2013, 12:23:00 PM »
"Son, I know you mean well, but we don't want dogs on the property. Please respect that."
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel. ~The Marquis De Carabas

Luci

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2013, 12:29:45 PM »
Will he be amenable to chaining the dog outside and letting the dog sleep in the car? Less area to clean up, dog outside, may bark, owners may have an objection to chaining. Offer to pay for the kennel? (I would, and have.)

I will not allow smoking in my home, and no dogs except my children's dogs, at all, and the children's dogs only in the porch and garage.

We don't make excuses - they all know. If you make excuses, they can argue.

Bests wishes and hope for a good outcome from whatever you decide.

(Agree with siamesecat2965)

bah12

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2013, 12:31:35 PM »
I wouldn't make PA remarks once the dog is actually there.  Now is the time to put this to rest.  Not then and not in a PA manner.

I agree that you and your wife need to get on the same page.  A simple "no, that's no possible" is all she should have said.  Giving reasons just encourages her son to say he'll mitigate for those reasons.  But now that it's done, she should clarify with her son that both of you agree that the dog cannot be accommodated in any way. 

I feel your pain.  We actually have a dog, but I still don't appreciate others' dogs in my house/yard.  I know how to handle my dog and I know what to expect from my dog.  Other dogs may be otherwise well trained and calm, but when put in a new environment get over excited (and get my dog over excited) and things tend to break, accidents happen in the house, etc.  I can also understand your wife wanting to accommodate her son for the visit...having that urge to just put up with it so that things won't be tense for him (her son).  But, this is why you two need to decide together what is best.  Whether that be to allow her son this one time to prove that the dog really will be no trouble or that the "no dogs in the house/yard" rule is firm, you two need to be together on it. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2013, 12:38:50 PM »
I think first of all you and your wife need to get on the same page. and then she needs to call her son, say you both have discussed things, and have decicded that its not possible for him to bring the dog, end of discussion. Its your house, and you can certainly go back on your agreement that the dog can come. You can say, if asked, that its stresses your cat out too much, and its her house, and therefore the dog can't come.

You don't have to give any reasons, other than its your house, and you've decided that the dog isn't welcome. Don't JADE; just be polite and firm.

And his not wanting to kennel it, and pay for it? Well, that's part of being a pet owner, taking care of and the expenses of a vet, kennel, dog sitter etc.

This is absolutely correct.

As is this:

I wouldn't make PA remarks once the dog is actually there.  Now is the time to put this to rest.  Not then and not in a PA manner.


And if your wife won't, then you can, actually.

You can call your stepson and say, "Your mom didn't want to be the bad guy, and she has a hard time saying no. So I'm calling to tell you--don't bring the dog. I appreciate your respecting our home by asking in the first place, and I'm sorry if she wasn't clear enough. But we do not want the dog here at all. Not under any situation, and not with any sort of promise on your part, though I know you mean well.
   "I know that makes it a bit hard for you, but I'm absolutely certain that you will be able to cope and find some other solution that works for you and your pooch. We are very pleased that you are coming to visit us, and we do look forward to seeing your dog again when *we* visit *you* next."

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2013, 12:39:55 PM »
Oh, and...

I would never bring my dog along if my parents expressed the slightest discomfort with the idea.
So don't feel too bad about it--your wife tried to give him a really big hint, and he decided to ignore it. So, having the "rules changed" on him is really only his fault.

Call right away, not later.

mmswm

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2013, 12:42:41 PM »
I am a dog owner and I've only ever been comfortable with one particular dog visiting.  This particular dog is a Jack Russel owned by a friend of mine. He (the dog) used to work for the fire department doing educational shows for schools and such.  This little dog played the role of a child caught in a burning building and had to maneuver through an obstacle course, while staying close to the ground and occasionally doing the "stop, drop, and roll" thing. Then he had to calmly go mingle with all the elementary school children in the audience. In order to perform the way he did, he had to have intense training.  Because of that training, he was a joy to have around.  I never had to worry about destructive behavior or potty training accidents. 

All that to say that even dog owners have their limits with visiting dogs. It's your home and you shouldn't feel guilty for not allowing visiting dogs.  I agree with the others that you or your wife need to call them back and tell them that you've discussed it and it just won't be possible.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

YummyMummy66

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2013, 12:44:31 PM »
This has come up recently with my son and his dog.  He had his dog here a few years ago, maybe two?  when he was a young pup.  At the time, we only had the one dog.  His dog peed in our house twice and he did not clean it up, I did.  The next am, my dog peed in the house.  (We really don't know if it was because of my son's dog or we did not let him out in time).

We now have two dogs and two cats.  We did allow my son to come up on Easter with his dog.  He did nothing in the house, but did poop in the backyard.  Again, my husband, (his stepfather), cleaned it up, not my son. 

Now, we are going to ask our son to stay at our home, (well, we did), while we are on vacay in June, so we wanted to see how all dogs interact.   They need a little work.  My dog tends to overpest, and then when my son's dog gets mad, my younger dog got mad to protect her big brother. 

That being said, we will have firm rules re: his care of all animals while we are away.  So, in a way, maybe you could give your wife's son the benefit of the doubt and hope that has better trained his dog.  My son's dog is actually more trained than our dogs!

But, what I see is that you and yoru wife are not on the same page.  She did not tell her son to specifically not bring her dog, she stated why you did not want the dog at your home.   You need to discuss this with your wife.  At this time, I might let the dog come, but I would let wife know that if things are the way they were, you no longer want dogs in your home, period.  The kids are always welcome, but they will need to find somewhere for their dog to stay.

Also, let your wife do all the work involving the dog that your son does not do.  Sometimes, when we pick up the slack, the spouse does not see what we might see.  Once she has to take care of things her son might not, she might have more of a clearer picture.

doodlemor

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2013, 12:49:53 PM »
Your wife should have been firm and clear in her reply to her son.  Saying that you were not "thrilled" left him all kinds of wiggle room to come up with a bright scenario of the dog's visit that likely will not occur.  She needs to back you up and say "We aren't having any more dogs on the property."

Wife needs to call son back ASAP so that he can make other arrangements for the dog.

I'm speaking as an animal lover with 2 dogs and a pride of house cats.



CharlieBraun

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2013, 12:53:12 PM »
My mother has always been afraid of dogs, and for good reason in her case.

We have a large dog with whom we travel.

We do not stay at my parents.  I always have a conversation ahead of time with my parents about it.  My father loves our dog (who laid his head literally on my father's feet the first time we were at their house) but my mom has a strong negative reaction.  Guess what - her house, her rules.  We rent a place nearby if it's more than two days, or stay in a dog-friendly hotel if it's fewer than that.


"Son, you are welcome, the dog is not.  I am emailing you a list of dog-friendly hotels.  See you next week."

(PS - Marriott products are generally open to dogs, Residence Inns & Town Place Suites.  Their Courtyard by Marriott product is not.)
"We ate the pies."

Hmmmmm

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2013, 01:19:15 PM »
Your wife should have been firm and clear in her reply to her son.  Saying that you were not "thrilled" left him all kinds of wiggle room to come up with a bright scenario of the dog's visit that likely will not occur.  She needs to back you up and say "We aren't having any more dogs on the property."

Wife needs to call son back ASAP so that he can make other arrangements for the dog.

I'm speaking as an animal lover with 2 dogs and a pride of house cats.

This.
Your wife saying you wouldn't be thrilled and then giving reasons why implied that if those reasons were removed then you'd be fine with having a dog.

Your wife needs to call him back and clarify that you have a cat that lives there and doesn't like dogs as guests and that the two of you do not want to host a dog.

I have a dog and two cats that we love dearly. I quite enjoy my families animals when we visit them. But I do not host other people's pets at my home.

WillyNilly

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2013, 01:23:07 PM »
...My wife's son is planning on coming to visit in a few weeks, and he asked my wife if we would mind if he brought the dog.  She said she would have to check with me, and my reaction was not no but H*ll NO! She told him I was less than thrilled with the idea. she really should have left it at that, but she told him I had been fed up with dog crap all in my back yard, with barking dogs that can't be left alone, and with the damage a dog can do to the house.

he told her not to worry, he would make sure all messes the dog makes will get picked up, he will not bring the dog in the house, and if she does break anything he will not leave us hanging but will make sure to pay for any repairs, or help to repair it himself.  In other words, he had decided he is going to bring the dog anyway.

I told my wife I think this is extremely rude, after being told I did not want the dog at the house to go ahead and bring her anyway.  I don't want to create a scene, I know my wife wants to see her son, and his daughter, I'm not going to turn him away at the door, and I've had a pretty good relationship with him and I don't want to destroy that...

Here's the thing. Your SIL was not told you didn't want the dog there, or to not bring the dog. Your SIL was told you were "less then thrilled." You don't have a SIL problem, you have a wife problem.

You need to sit down and talk with your wife and come to an agreement with her first. Its half her house too. You need to find a position you both agree on. And then that needs to be communicated to your SIL. Its perfectly reasonable to not want a dog in your home - I wouldn't allow one in mine - but its not ok to give mixed messages and then be upset the person getting the mixed messages didn't understand.

NyaChan

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #13 on: April 09, 2013, 01:25:53 PM »
I agree with the others who suggested that you have a discussion with your wife to figure out where you both stand on this subject and then tell the son in no uncertain terms what the rules for your house are.  I think it should come from your wife if at all possible. 

BeagleMommy

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #14 on: April 09, 2013, 02:21:37 PM »
OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.