Author Topic: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Final UPdate pg4 post 52  (Read 11730 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #15 on: April 09, 2013, 02:23:42 PM »
This is correct:


Here's the thing. Your SIL was not told you didn't want the dog there, or to not bring the dog. Your SIL was told you were "less then thrilled." You don't have a SIL problem, you have a wife problem.

You need to sit down and talk with your wife and come to an agreement with her first. Its half her house too. You need to find a position you both agree on. And then that needs to be communicated to your SIL. Its perfectly reasonable to not want a dog in your home - I wouldn't allow one in mine - but its not ok to give mixed messages and then be upset the person getting the mixed messages didn't understand.

You told your wife, no "no," but "Hell, NO!"
She didn't communicate that to her son.

Why not? That's something that the two of you need to explore. Does she not agree with you? Is she just a little wimpy? (that's a common enough problem, especially for some women and some moms)

Once the two of you have *lovingly* explored this, you can figure out how to tell the final decision to your stepson.

And I will reiterate that if your wife doesn't feel she can be firm, by all means, it's appropriate for YOU to say it.


OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.

4. Stay at a hotel/motel that allows pets.

MindsEye

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #16 on: April 09, 2013, 02:33:49 PM »


OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.

4. Stay at a hotel/motel that allows pets.

Just a note...motels/hotels that allow pets very frequently do not allow the pets to be left there unsupervised.  So even if the son slept at a pet friendly hotel, he and his dog would still be at the OP's house during the day.  Which the OP does not want.


bloo

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #17 on: April 09, 2013, 02:52:47 PM »
I think first of all you and your wife need to get on the same page. and then she needs to call her son, say you both have discussed things, and have decicded that its not possible for him to bring the dog, end of discussion. Its your house, and you can certainly go back on your agreement that the dog can come. You can say, if asked, that its stresses your cat out too much, and its her house, and therefore the dog can't come.

You don't have to give any reasons, other than its your house, and you've decided that the dog isn't welcome. Don't JADE; just be polite and firm.

And his not wanting to kennel it, and pay for it? Well, that's part of being a pet owner, taking care of and the expenses of a vet, kennel, dog sitter etc.

Agreed.

Your wife knows how you feel and claims to feel the same way so in the interest of family relations SHE should have told her son immediately, "Sorry, we won't be able to accommodate the dog." Lather, rinse, repeat. Instead, she's thrown you a bit under the bus so now if you go back with the polite spine and say, 'no', it will appear - to your stepson - that it would be fine to bring the dog if it wasn't for you.

Agreed w/ PP's. You have a 'wife' problem.

mmswm

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #18 on: April 09, 2013, 02:53:10 PM »


OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.

4. Stay at a hotel/motel that allows pets.

Just a note...motels/hotels that allow pets very frequently do not allow the pets to be left there unsupervised.  So even if the son slept at a pet friendly hotel, he and his dog would still be at the OP's house during the day.  Which the OP does not want.

I POD this.  When I visit my sister I have to stay in a dog friendly hotel, and I've never seen a hotel allow the dog to stay unattended.  My big dog doesn't get along with her dog.  My little dog is fine at her house.  For the most part we visit away from her house, usually at dog friendly parks.  My big dog is quite content to stay in my car, so if we do visit at her house, the dog stays in the car or the kids walk him around the neighborhood. The little one is allowed to stay in her house.  I respect her rules regarding my dogs because it is her house, even though it can sometimes be a pain.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Hmmmmm

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #19 on: April 09, 2013, 02:53:30 PM »


OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.

4. Stay at a hotel/motel that allows pets.

Just a note...motels/hotels that allow pets very frequently do not allow the pets to be left there unsupervised.  So even if the son slept at a pet friendly hotel, he and his dog would still be at the OP's house during the day.  Which the OP does not want.

Thanks for clarifying that. I couldn't imagine a hotel wanting an animal left unattended in a room. What a nightmare for the cleaning crew.

mmswm

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #20 on: April 09, 2013, 02:54:12 PM »


OP, you and your wife need to present a united front on this.  Call your step-son and say "WE do not want you to bring the dog."  If he is balking at the expense of kenneling the dog are you in a position to offer to pay for it?  This might be an easy solution.  If not, he has several choice:

1.  Spend the money and kennel the dog.
2.  Ask a friend, neighbor, other relative to care for the dog.
3.  Stay home.

4. Stay at a hotel/motel that allows pets.

Just a note...motels/hotels that allow pets very frequently do not allow the pets to be left there unsupervised.  So even if the son slept at a pet friendly hotel, he and his dog would still be at the OP's house during the day.  Which the OP does not want.

Thanks for clarifying that. I couldn't imagine a hotel wanting an animal left unattended in a room. What a nightmare for the cleaning crew.

I do know of several hotels that allow cats to stay unattended, but not dogs.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

Amara

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #21 on: April 09, 2013, 03:09:48 PM »
I agree with the posters above, but will reiterate what I feel are the important points:

(1) You and your wife need to agree to strongly agree that no dogs, regardless of who they belong to, are allowed at any time for any reason.

(2) All communication to others about this rule needs to be stated with the word "we" as in "We do not allow any dogs on our property." In other words, no "he" or "she."

(3) No reason need be or will in fact be offered. No responses other than "it's our rule" will be given in response to objections.

(4) If you want to do this--and I stress the word want--then you might look up hotels, boarding / doggie day care facilities in your area and have a list with contact information to send. But there's a risk; if you do the visitors may begin to think they can bring their dog over while they are there for dinner or a couple of hours and leave her/him in the car. Not great for neighborly relations, methinks.

It really does come down to a rule. If you and your wife agree that no dogs are ever wanted for any reason whatsoever, then it shouldn't be hard to answer this question regardless of who is asking and it will be fair to everyone.

bopper

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #22 on: April 09, 2013, 03:30:57 PM »
So this dog is the one that formerly lived at your house?

Then the answer is "Stepson, thanks for asking if you could bring Fluffy when you visit.  Your mom and I discussed it, and the anwser is going to have to be no.   I know you mean well, but your mom and I and that dog have a history and we don't want to repeat it.  Our house is not dog proofed and we don't want to spend our time with you on edge. We want to relax and <insert fun activities here>.   Can't wait to see you Wednesday!"

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #23 on: April 09, 2013, 04:21:26 PM »
So this dog is the one that formerly lived at your house?

Then the answer is "Stepson, thanks for asking if you could bring Fluffy when you visit.  Your mom and I discussed it, and the anwser is going to have to be no.   I know you mean well, but your mom and I don't want to accommodate dogs anymore. and that dog have a history and we don't want to repeat it. Our house is not dog proofed and we don't want to spend our time with you on edge. We want to relax and <insert fun activities here>.   Can't wait to see you Wednesday!"

Wiser to say no to all dogs, and not get into which dog is good and which is not.

hjaye

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #24 on: April 09, 2013, 05:46:19 PM »
So this dog is the one that formerly lived at your house?

Then the answer is "Stepson, thanks for asking if you could bring Fluffy when you visit.  Your mom and I discussed it, and the anwser is going to have to be no.   I know you mean well, but your mom and I and that dog have a history and we don't want to repeat it.  Our house is not dog proofed and we don't want to spend our time with you on edge. We want to relax and <insert fun activities here>.   Can't wait to see you Wednesday!"

Actually the answer to that question is no.  My wife's granddaughter is always wanting a dog, her dad (my wife's ex-son-in-law)  would go out and buy her a dog whenever he was in a "I want to be dad of the year" mood.  The dogs would usually end up having something wrong with them and they would end up being shipped off.  This particular dog was going to be taken to a shelter and my wife's son was up her visiting along with his wife and daughter.  They decided since they had just moved into a new house, they would take the dog. 

The dog is just barely out of it's puppy stage, so it's young and has lots of energy and is getting big.  I agree with the posters who say he should kennel it, and that's just the price you have to pay for being a responsible pet owner.

Unfortunately between him and his wife and his wife's family, they put the fun in disfunction.  I don't want WWIII to break out and my wife end up not seeing her son and granddaughter, but I truly resent being held hostage over a potential blow up.  There is also the fact that up until this incident, I get along with her son.  We work in the same industry and he's done a lot to help fix things up around the house, but this is definitely leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Calistoga

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #25 on: April 09, 2013, 06:22:28 PM »
I wouldn't blame SIL for this. If your wife said "We don't want dogs here.", then yeah, he'd be a real clod to bring it anyway. But she talked to him and he said "Don't worry, I'll clean up, I'll do this, I'll do that" and I have to assume she said OK at the end of that conversation instead of a nice, firm "The answer is NO."

You get alone well enough with SIL you said...so call him up and say "Look SIL, I'm sorry, but I really don't want the dog here. I know you said you'd take care of any problems, but I just don't want her here at all."

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #26 on: April 09, 2013, 06:26:07 PM »
I wouldn't blame SIL for this. If your wife said "We don't want dogs here.", then yeah, he'd be a real clod to bring it anyway. But she talked to him and he said "Don't worry, I'll clean up, I'll do this, I'll do that" and I have to assume she said OK at the end of that conversation instead of a nice, firm "The answer is NO."

You get alone well enough with SIL you said...so call him up and say "Look SIL, I'm sorry, but I really don't want the dog here. I know you said you'd take care of any problems, but I just don't want her here at all."

You can even do the "no babies at my wedding" thing by saying, "I'm sure you're a responsible dog owner, but I need to be consistent. And since in the future I'm going to have to say no to other people as well, including my own kid, and it's going to be much too difficult if I have to pick and choose which dog--or worse, which owner. It just opens a whole can of worms. So I have to just say not to everybody, so that there are no hard feelings and no one takes it personally. Please help me with this? And find someone else to take care of your dog--a friend who'll take him in or stop by the house for a couple of days, or something?"


crella

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #27 on: April 09, 2013, 07:34:05 PM »
Is there somewhere he could board the dog near your house, so he could go and see the dog while he stayed with you? Some people are very anxious about boarding their dogs.

Calistoga

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #28 on: April 09, 2013, 08:51:22 PM »
Whenever we go out of town, we let the dog stay at home and ask a friend to "pet sit" for a few days- come by, feed the pet, etc. Our dogs are set up on yard runners though...if your dog doesn't have ready access to the outside world if duty calls, this might not work as well.

Zizi-K

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2013, 09:30:52 PM »
So this dog is the one that formerly lived at your house?

Then the answer is "Stepson, thanks for asking if you could bring Fluffy when you visit.  Your mom and I discussed it, and the anwser is going to have to be no.   I know you mean well, but your mom and I and that dog have a history and we don't want to repeat it.  Our house is not dog proofed and we don't want to spend our time with you on edge. We want to relax and <insert fun activities here>.   Can't wait to see you Wednesday!"

Actually the answer to that question is no.  My wife's granddaughter is always wanting a dog, her dad (my wife's ex-son-in-law)  would go out and buy her a dog whenever he was in a "I want to be dad of the year" mood.  The dogs would usually end up having something wrong with them and they would end up being shipped off.  This particular dog was going to be taken to a shelter and my wife's son was up her visiting along with his wife and daughter.  They decided since they had just moved into a new house, they would take the dog. 

The dog is just barely out of it's puppy stage, so it's young and has lots of energy and is getting big.  I agree with the posters who say he should kennel it, and that's just the price you have to pay for being a responsible pet owner.

Unfortunately between him and his wife and his wife's family, they put the fun in disfunction.  I don't want WWIII to break out and my wife end up not seeing her son and granddaughter, but I truly resent being held hostage over a potential blow up.  There is also the fact that up until this incident, I get along with her son.  We work in the same industry and he's done a lot to help fix things up around the house, but this is definitely leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Most people are telling you to tell the son to keep the dog at home, but it sounds like this really isn't an option for you. A second-best option would be for you and your wife to discuss in advance the rules for the dog's behavior and handling in your house. Where is the dog allowed to go, and where must he be kept out of? What are your expectations for the son cleaning up after the dog in the yard? When son, family and dog arrive, you can have these agreed-upon expectations in-hand, or better yet they can be conveyed in advance so that they know what the rules will be. I think you will feel better if you assert yourself and some control over your home.