Author Topic: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Final UPdate pg4 post 52  (Read 11824 times)

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VltGrantham

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #30 on: April 10, 2013, 10:44:43 AM »
I would not back down on this and I would not make compromises either.

I think a discussion with your wife is due.  Say the dog is brought and makes a mess or worse, does damage to your home.  Is she going to be o.k. with you holding Jr, financially liable for fixing the damage and/or cleaning up the mess to your satisfaction?  Does she realize that there is a huge potential to create a big rift between you both and son?

Against our better judgment we allowed friends to impose on us with their dog.  They broke our rules (brought the dog into the house) and damaged the property--which we then had to hold them financially accountable for.  It was highly unpleasant all around.  Skip the drama and tell him to board the dog--either at home or in your area.  Or recommend a pet friendly hotel.

Mikayla

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #31 on: April 10, 2013, 12:54:28 PM »

Unfortunately between him and his wife and his wife's family, they put the fun in disfunction.  I don't want WWIII to break out and my wife end up not seeing her son and granddaughter, but I truly resent being held hostage over a potential blow up.  There is also the fact that up until this incident, I get along with her son.  We work in the same industry and he's done a lot to help fix things up around the house, but this is definitely leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Is this a legit concern?  In other words, is it possible they'd refuse to visit if the dog has to stay home? 

If so, then I'd aim for compromise, but this means your wife needs to do a much better job of supporting you, because you're making concessions that benefit her.  She's the one who needs the spine, because she'll need to clearly state what the rules are, and not that they're *your* rules.  They're *our* rules.

My answer might be different if this was a longer visit, but for a weekend, it might work.  If a problem crops up, like the dog still barks when left outside unattended, a dinner outing will need to be cancelled, because you can't have a barking dog upsetting your neighbors.  But it won't be you saying this.

And your wife also has to agree that if anything at all happens, your home is a permanent dog free zone, and she needs to find a way to get that across firmly, and without blaming you.

Girly

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #32 on: April 11, 2013, 08:34:19 AM »
OP, I agree with the others that say you first need to get on the same page as your wife.

If you are telling the kids one thing, and she is telling them another, that's just a recipe for disaster and hurt feelings for everyone.

There's no problem with not wanting dogs in your home, and the kids need to either find other accommodations for them, or maybe just meet with you and your wife at places that allow dogs (like a park), however if your wife is not conveying the same thing you are, it will just make everyone confused!

MindsEye

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #33 on: April 11, 2013, 09:44:42 AM »

Unfortunately between him and his wife and his wife's family, they put the fun in disfunction.  I don't want WWIII to break out and my wife end up not seeing her son and granddaughter, but I truly resent being held hostage over a potential blow up.  There is also the fact that up until this incident, I get along with her son.  We work in the same industry and he's done a lot to help fix things up around the house, but this is definitely leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Is this a legit concern?  In other words, is it possible they'd refuse to visit if the dog has to stay home? 


People can be as irrational about their pets as they are about their children... so it might be.

I posted a while ago about looking for polite ways to tell a relative to leave her dog at home when planning for a family holiday gathering at my house.  To try and make a long story short, I ended up telling her that I didn't care what she did with her dog, but that her dog was not allowed on my property.  End of story, full stop.  She never actually responded to me, did a lot of very PA vaguebooking instead, and has apparently decided to give me and my DH the cut direct over it... she won't talk to us and if she sees us at a family gathering, she puts her nose up in the air and pointedly walks away. 

I have decided that I don't care, and her reaction is her problem and not mine.  But she is also not a very close relative.  In your case, OP, this is your step-son.  You and your wife need to present a unified front on this, and you need to decide how firm your no dogs rule is.  In my case, I ultimately didn't care what my relative's reaction was as long as she didn't bring her dog to my house, which made it easy for me to hold to my rule.  You and your wife probably do care what your step-son's reaction is. 

Good luck with the balancing act!

hjaye

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Update Pg 3 post 34
« Reply #34 on: April 11, 2013, 09:52:19 AM »
In regards to all the posters who say my wife and I need to be on the same page, I agree, and I believe we actually are on the same page.  She doesn't want dogs here anymore than I do.  She feels that over the past year or so, her children have been displaying a lack of courtesy towards us, and to her in particular, in that they hear what we want, but do whatever they feel like and then justify why they did it.

UPDATE: 
Should my wife have been more direct with her son?  Yes she should have.  I have always said that the one person she could always count on to stand beside her and be there when she needed someone was her son, so this may have taken her a bit by surprise.  I think she expected him to say ok, I'll find other accommodations for the dog when she told him I was less than thrilled with his idea of bringing the dog to our house.

I told her I was going to call him and tell him that he misunderstood his mother, that it was not a matter of there were issues that needed to be addressed if he was going to bring his dog here, but rather the answer to his question was NO!, your dog or any dog for that matter, is not welcome at our house.

She asked me not to do that, she would rather talk to him face to face.  She did promise she would tell him that this is a one time event, and that from now on, when they come to visit, he will have to either find someone to watch his dog, or put in him a kennel.

For those who have suggested a pet friendly hotel, the biggest drawback to this is that he is not bringing the dog because he loves her so much he can't bear to leave.  He is bringing her because he is too cheap to shell out 100 bucks to kennel her for the weekend.  A hotel room would cost him a lot more than 100.00 dollars for a two night stay. 

VltGrantham

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #35 on: April 11, 2013, 10:22:31 AM »
Quote
She asked me not to do that, she would rather talk to him face to face.  She did promise she would tell him that this is a one time event, and that from now on, when they come to visit, he will have to either find someone to watch his dog, or put in him a kennel.

I understand your wife's feelings, but I strongly advise that she not do this.  This one-time event will most likely cause an argument the next time anyway.  "But Rover behaved himself the last time he was here.  Nothing happened!  Nothing will happen!"

It's far easier (and better) for all involved not to go through with it at all.  This is one thing I learned from a former boss--don't set expectations or precedents that you don't intend to continue indefinitely.

Dorrie78

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Update Pg 3 post 34
« Reply #36 on: April 11, 2013, 10:36:57 AM »
In regards to all the posters who say my wife and I need to be on the same page, I agree, and I believe we actually are on the same page.  She doesn't want dogs here anymore than I do.  She feels that over the past year or so, her children have been displaying a lack of courtesy towards us, and to her in particular, in that they hear what we want, but do whatever they feel like and then justify why they did it.

UPDATE: 
Should my wife have been more direct with her son?  Yes she should have.  I have always said that the one person she could always count on to stand beside her and be there when she needed someone was her son, so this may have taken her a bit by surprise.  I think she expected him to say ok, I'll find other accommodations for the dog when she told him I was less than thrilled with his idea of bringing the dog to our house.

I told her I was going to call him and tell him that he misunderstood his mother, that it was not a matter of there were issues that needed to be addressed if he was going to bring his dog here, but rather the answer to his question was NO!, your dog or any dog for that matter, is not welcome at our house.

She asked me not to do that, she would rather talk to him face to face.  She did promise she would tell him that this is a one time event, and that from now on, when they come to visit, he will have to either find someone to watch his dog, or put in him a kennel.

For those who have suggested a pet friendly hotel, the biggest drawback to this is that he is not bringing the dog because he loves her so much he can't bear to leave.  He is bringing her because he is too cheap to shell out 100 bucks to kennel her for the weekend.  A hotel room would cost him a lot more than 100.00 dollars for a two night stay.
I agree with the PP that this is a bad idea. Your wife needs to either let you make the call or make the call herself and put her foot down. No dogs in the house. Making exceptions simply weakens your ultimate postion of no dogs.

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #37 on: April 11, 2013, 10:44:13 AM »
There's also the whole "you her your WIFE's son bring his dog, why can't I bring mine?" thing w/ your own side of the family.

This is actually often a really useful tool to use--people do it w/ kids whoa ren't invited to the wedding: "If I let you bring your child, then the other people who didn't bring theirs, or were told not to, will be upset. It'll get complicated, and they'll think I'm playing favorites."

I actually think that you seem to have a high opinion of her son, and that this can work in your favor if YOU call him.

Tell him the whole, "Take pity on your mom, she has a hard time saying no to you because she loves you so much, so let's you and me conspire lovingly behind her back to make sure the dog doesn't come." Equal-to-equal, on the ground that you both love the same woman (in different ways, of course).

Danika

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #38 on: April 11, 2013, 01:04:42 PM »
My in-laws pulled something similar a few years ago. We had a 9 month old crawling baby and a toddler at the time. Not to mention a shy cat that is easily scared. My in-laws' dog pees all over their house. He's a nice dog, but I didn't want him roughhousing our babies, scratching our brand new leather furniture and peeing on every wall, carpet and furniture item in our house. I also didn't want him destroying all the toys by chewing and peeing on them. I was also not ok with the dog staying our garage and scratching my classic cars. I told my husband that it would cost us thousands of dollars to steam clean the carpet, repaint the walls and replace the leather furniture. More important than that was the safety of our children and if my in-laws think their pet is so important, what about our cat? It is our cat's house. Should she not feel safe and secure and untraumatized in her own house?

I told my husband that absolutely no, there would be no dogs or other uninvited guests in our house. We had friends with a very undisciplined child and he was no longer welcome in our house. Why should the in-laws' dog be an exception?

I said it would be much cheaper if we offered to pay for a hotel or a dog kennel. And I searched a few on the internet and the requirements. The local kennel has great ratings but requires proof of some vaccinations that most pets don't routinely get, so there would be planning involved. I told my husband he needed to communicate this to his father and step-mother.

For the sake of your carpet and your own cat, you could consider offering to pay for the hotel or kennel for your step-son.

Amara

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #39 on: April 11, 2013, 01:15:09 PM »
Quote
I told her I was going to call him and tell him that he misunderstood his mother, that it was not a matter of there were issues that needed to be addressed if he was going to bring his dog here, but rather the answer to his question was NO!, your dog or any dog for that matter, is not welcome at our house.

She asked me not to do that, she would rather talk to him face to face.

OP, the other posters ahead of me correctly pointed out that making this one time an exception was a bad idea because of the precedence and the issue of fairness with others. One thing that I feel was missed is that if YOU or if SHE talks to him then it is coming only from that one person. It needs to come from both of you so that your stepson sees a united front on this. He can't wheedle Mom and go around you (as it seems to be heading now), nor can he plead his case with you and get around his mother. You two really need to be united not only on the decision but on the delivery of that decision.

CharlieBraun

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house Update Pg 3 post 34
« Reply #40 on: April 11, 2013, 03:01:21 PM »

She asked me not to do that, she would rather talk to him face to face.  She did promise she would tell him that this is a one time event, and that from now on, when they come to visit, he will have to either find someone to watch his dog, or put in him a kennel.


Terrible idea.  Terrible.  For all the reasons previously stated by others more eloquent than I.

If it's a budgetary issue, offer to pay for a kennel in his hometown.  Not in yours.  This individual is an "inch/mile" person and if he has his dog with him, he will not take it to a kennel, it will come with him to your home.

If he refuses that offer, then you know where you stand, and so does this guy's mother (your wife.)

Your wife being willing to put aside your needs and clearly stated desires, as well as her own preferences, means that she is ranking her son first, his dog second, herself third, and you fourth.  Now that's an issue that I think needs addressing as well.
"We ate the pies."

helixa

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #41 on: April 13, 2013, 04:54:00 AM »
Wow so he's essentially saying if you won't allow my dog I won't come and visit, talk about emotional blackmail.
   

joraemi

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #42 on: April 13, 2013, 05:41:01 PM »
Wow so he's essentially saying if you won't allow my dog I won't come and visit, talk about emotional blackmail.
POD that!




Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~

TootsNYC

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #43 on: April 13, 2013, 09:11:33 PM »
Wow so he's essentially saying if you won't allow my dog I won't come and visit, talk about emotional blackmail.


I don't think the stepson is actually saying that!!

Let's not attribute to him things that the OP didn't report.

The OP said he was worried about some fallout--but he did NOT say that the stepson had actually said anything to imply this.

Danika

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Re: Need polite spine RE: Dog at my house
« Reply #44 on: April 13, 2013, 09:32:41 PM »
I'll throw yet another possibility into the mix. It could be that the stepson does not want to visit, and so he's using the dog hoping that OP or the wife will say "no dog" and the stepson will have an excuse not to come, and won't have to be the one saying "I don't want to come."

I bring this up only because this seems to be what my ILs did. It's like a game of "telephone." According to my DH, who spoke to FIL, Step-MIL refused to come visit because she said I was unwelcoming because I didn't want their dog in our house. Allegedly, they don't feel welcome or wanted.

They were welcome and wanted, but the dog was not. I was not going to make their dog a higher priority than my baby and toddler, not even higher than my cat or our furniture and carpets. So I did whatever I could other than that, for my DH's sake to make them feel welcome. We have no extra money in the budget, but we still offered to pay for them and their dog to stay at a hotel. We offered that the dog could stay in our backyard. We offered to pay for a kennel. I knew several nights in a hotel would cost hundreds of dollars, but shampooing our carpet and replacing all the baby toys would cost thousands.

The ILs still didn't accept and refused to come. That put me in a bad position with DH because he felt that I was unwelcoming and it was my fault that his father wasn't visiting.

Then I mentioned that Step-MIL manages to visit each of her children without her dog and without FIL. I said that FIL was welcome to visit alone. I even suggested that we pay for his flight, if he were going to say he didn't have the money to fly. They still said no. Basically, it ended up showing they were bluffing. And I told DH that the dog was a red herring. They never came to visit us even when they didn't have a dog. They just wanted to come up with some unreasonable request so that I could say no, and *I* would look like the bad guy instead of them looking like they plain just didn't care to visit their son and grandkids.