Author Topic: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?  (Read 9536 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

reflection5

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 436
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #90 on: April 15, 2013, 07:32:36 PM »
Rusty, some good points.  However, (the way I understand it)  Lisa is not the one bothering/contacting OP. 

But yes, sleazy husband has obviously said something to his wife and either Lisa or his husband have said some thing to MIL.  I’m guessing sleazy husband has twisted things to cover his butt.  For example, I would bet good money he has mentioned the shower scene but slanted it differently ~~~> “I said I was gonna take a shower and iggylove jokingly asked if she could join me.  No biggie; she was just kidding around.”   Conjecture, yes.  But I’m guessing I’m not too far off the mark.

But then he writes the long love letter, whihc is hard evidence of his desire to have an affair with OP. 

Rusty

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 145
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #91 on: April 15, 2013, 07:40:12 PM »
The reason I suggested a letter from a lawyer to both Lisa and her husband is so that Lisa is aware that if her husband does anything else that she will be informed and will have to deal with the consequences.  The OP has already stated that she does not wish to have any further contact with either of them.  I know Lisa has not herself done anything, but I'll bet she is aware.

Audrey Quest

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7248
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #92 on: April 15, 2013, 07:42:08 PM »
I think that by giving her the letter you will be playing an even greater role in a drama that you really want no part of.

I'd rather that than see my friend married to a guy who is attracted to other women and is telling those women.

That's not her decision and its not automatically welcome news.

The OP should move to protect herself, not meddle in the situation to somehow save her friend.  It's none of the OPs business even if the husband has tried to make it her business.

Really, you just don't want to go there.  Life is not a movie.

I wouldn't feel right keeping that from someone and let them lead the life of a lie. I couldn't live with myself. I don't see that as meddling as it directly involves me.

What is the dig at the end for? How did I imply that life is a movie?

It's not a dig.  In the movies these things always turn out in such a way that the bad person gets their comeuppance and the wronged person is supported and vindicated.

"You" might not be able to live with yourself but its not about "you."

The problem in the marriage doesn't directly involve the OP.  It's only become her business because the husband has fixated on her.  By getting involved she risks continuing that fixation.  And also because of that fixation she cannot be in a position to support Lisa.

These things can be incredibly messy.  The best thing to do is to get as far away as possible.  If Lisa and the OP were much closer friends, I don't think it would have played out like to this extent.

The OP did not tell Lisa when the husband invited her into the shower.  That was just as bad as the letter.  Admittedly, the letter gives you another data point to prove that the guy is determined and it wasn't just a one off.  But, if she should tell her friend now, she should have told her before.

The chances of that being a strike against her are not odds I would play.

Again, the best thing is to just get out, move on, fade away, otherwise the OP will be caught up in it.  You really don't want a spurned woman making judgements about your actions or inaction.


reflection5

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 436
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #93 on: April 15, 2013, 07:42:48 PM »
Quote
but I'll bet she is aware.

aware of the love letter?  his attraction?
or just aware that "something is up" ?

Audrey Quest

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7248
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #94 on: April 15, 2013, 07:47:58 PM »
I just thought of this, but I would not at all bring up the shower incident.  Because you didn't say anything at the time it happened, to him but especially to her, it will look like it didn't bother you all that much.  That, coupled with the letter, could make it seem like you encouraged this or at the very least didn't discourage it.  Focus on the here and now: the letter.

And I just noticed this post of yours where you encourage the OP to lie.  There's goes her moral authority and her friendship.  On one hand you say you can't live knowing someone is "living a lie" but you recommend they tell one?

This would make the OP not just a meddler, but a player.  The last thing Lisa needs is more lies.  The kindest thing that the OP can do for herself and for Lisa is to just distance herself.  It doesn't involve any lies.  And if Lisa contacts her and wants to talk about it, there is no need to lie--the OP has made her position clear by staying completely out of it.

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4830
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #95 on: April 15, 2013, 07:54:17 PM »
I just thought of this, but I would not at all bring up the shower incident.  Because you didn't say anything at the time it happened, to him but especially to her, it will look like it didn't bother you all that much.  That, coupled with the letter, could make it seem like you encouraged this or at the very least didn't discourage it.  Focus on the here and now: the letter.

And I just noticed this post of yours where you encourage the OP to lie.  There's goes her moral authority and her friendship.  On one hand you say you can't live knowing someone is "living a lie" but you recommend they tell one?

This would make the OP not just a meddler, but a player.  The last thing Lisa needs is more lies.  The kindest thing that the OP can do for herself and for Lisa is to just distance herself.  It doesn't involve any lies.  And if Lisa contacts her and wants to talk about it, there is no need to lie--the OP has made her position clear by staying completely out of it.

I never said lie, I did say to omit an incident, but in order to not make things worse for her (the OP) than they already will be.  If it were a closer friendship, sure, I'd encourage her to tell Lisa and say, "It was odd then and I should have said something, but I didn't and I'm sorry."  The fact that losing this friendship doesn't seem to bother the OP makes me think it is best not to tell Lisa.  The time to tell her would have been when it happened, but there is no changing that now.

I don't think the OP telling Lisa about the letter is meddling and I don't understand how you do.  Could you please clarify how that is "meddling"?  I also don't understand how you think distancing herself is not lying but not telling her about the shower incident is?  Those seem to be the same to me: omitting the true events.

The reason I thought the "life is not a movie" comment was a dig is because it seems like you think I think it is and that you think I think it will play out like a movie where the bad guy gets the comeuppance.  I don't see why else you would have included the comment without more explanation.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Audrey Quest

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7248
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #96 on: April 15, 2013, 08:38:28 PM »
I just thought of this, but I would not at all bring up the shower incident.  Because you didn't say anything at the time it happened, to him but especially to her, it will look like it didn't bother you all that much.  That, coupled with the letter, could make it seem like you encouraged this or at the very least didn't discourage it.  Focus on the here and now: the letter.

And I just noticed this post of yours where you encourage the OP to lie.  There's goes her moral authority and her friendship.  On one hand you say you can't live knowing someone is "living a lie" but you recommend they tell one?

This would make the OP not just a meddler, but a player.  The last thing Lisa needs is more lies.  The kindest thing that the OP can do for herself and for Lisa is to just distance herself.  It doesn't involve any lies.  And if Lisa contacts her and wants to talk about it, there is no need to lie--the OP has made her position clear by staying completely out of it.

I never said lie, I did say to omit an incident, but in order to not make things worse for her (the OP) than they already will be.  If it were a closer friendship, sure, I'd encourage her to tell Lisa and say, "It was odd then and I should have said something, but I didn't and I'm sorry."  The fact that losing this friendship doesn't seem to bother the OP makes me think it is best not to tell Lisa.  The time to tell her would have been when it happened, but there is no changing that now.

I don't think the OP telling Lisa about the letter is meddling and I don't understand how you do.  Could you please clarify how that is "meddling"?  I also don't understand how you think distancing herself is not lying but not telling her about the shower incident is?  Those seem to be the same to me: omitting the true events.

The reason I thought the "life is not a movie" comment was a dig is because it seems like you think I think it is and that you think I think it will play out like a movie where the bad guy gets the comeuppance.  I don't see why else you would have included the comment without more explanation.

Let me address the movie thing first.  When you don't have first hand experience with this sort of thing you can have a sanitized view of how things will play out.  It's not just you.  I am continue to be amazed at how things play out much differently than I expected them to.

OK, onto the meddling.  The OP is not a principal actor in this drama.  She is at best a walk on role in terms of these people's marriage.  It's just an unfortunate position for her to be in.  And the best and most decisive action she can take is to get out of that role and not play any other role in the drama, like that of informant or confidante or supportive friend.

Emotions are likely to be high and unpredictable.  Even if the OP can prove that she did nothing to provoke his interest, that doesn't mean that Lisa will see it that way.

Yes, it is possible that she would be very happy to know about the letter and will act on it, etc, etc and even thank that OP.  But, the problem is that you can't really predict which one its going to be.

I have learned the hard way a few times that, if at all possible, its best to stay out of other people's business completely when its something messy like infidelity.

Everyone in those situations gets burned in some way or another.  The only way that I would consider telling someone something I knew they didn't want to know about their spouse is if they were a very very close friend.  And even then, I would try to avoid it, if possible.

You might think you are "saving someone" but a lot of the time reality plays out much differently.

Tea Drinker

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1124
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #97 on: April 15, 2013, 09:15:58 PM »
I also find it interesting that in his letter to the OP the husband said he had been “defending OP’s honor” ??? (whatever that means) and that “MIL thinks [OP & Lisa’s husband] are having an affair”.

What the heck does MIL have to do with this?  ???  Who involved her?  Obviously there has been discussion and suspicion.

Actually, all we know is that the husband claims that the MIL thinks this, but there's no reason to consider him a reliable narrator. He might in some weird way have thought that if he claimed to have been defending OP's honor, she would be more inclined to accept his proposition. Or that she would think that since people think this is going on, she might as well get the (imagined-by-him) benefits of an affair as well as the harm to her reputation. It's even possible that he believes his MIL believes this, without any basis in reality.

(I don't think this makes any significant difference to OP's choices here, since as far as I know she has no connection to MIL.)
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

joraemi

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3798
  • Crystal of Enchantment - my current project
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #98 on: April 15, 2013, 09:19:37 PM »
This probably sounds like a bit of an over reaction, but dingdangity, I'd contact the authorities. It sounds like this guy is kind of delusional.

Let Lisa know, and not in a private way, that her husband is being nutty and you don't want anything to do with him. This honestly doesn't seem like an etiquette issue quite so much as a safe way of dislodging the crazy. I say not private because you don't want to deal with these people any more as far as I can tell, and this is an issue that both of them need to deal with.

What did Lisa do wrong?

I said "As far as I can tell". The OP said she was fine with ending the friendship, I think she even said she'd decided to do so.

Just picking one response for reply - you all are fast!

No, Lisa has not done anything "wrong", but neither have I, and I just do not see this ending well.  She is a long term friend, but not a like sisters friend, so I am just being practical.  Our friendship is 99% likely to be over, and I don't think it's my place to fight her husband for her friendship.  I do not really want to deal with this or help her through it or anything. I want out.

I don't blame you for wanting out, I just wasn't sure how much you felt like you wanted to try and maintain your friendship with Lisa.

Always respect your hinky-meter. ;)




Courage is the price life  exacts for granting peace.  ~Amelia Earhart~

LifeOnPluto

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6193
    • Blog
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #99 on: April 15, 2013, 11:23:06 PM »
Quote
but I'll bet she is aware.

aware of the love letter?  his attraction?
or just aware that "something is up" ?

Exactly. The wife may be "aware" that her husband is a perfect angel and that the OP is the one trying to crack onto him.

Showing her a copy of the letter would be a good thing. Because then she can make decisions for herself based on all the correct facts.

JeanFromBNA

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2143
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #100 on: April 15, 2013, 11:41:02 PM »
I think that you need to put this situation on your terms by scanning the letter and attaching it to your e-mail to Lisa (If it were me, I would cc him, too).  This removes the idea that you encouraged or participated in any of this.  In your e-mail, repeat that you do not want any contact with her husband, and any future attempts at contact will be handled by the authorities. 

You are the injured party here.  If you act guilty, they'll treat you as if you are.  If you act as if you expect them to comprehend the insult to your integrity that has been delivered by Lisa's husband, and comply with your new rules, you'll get the respect that you deserve.

Daylight is often the best solution for things that prefer to be kept in the dark. 

Mental Magpie

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4830
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #101 on: April 15, 2013, 11:55:59 PM »
Let me address the movie thing first.  When you don't have first hand experience with this sort of thing you can have a sanitized view of how things will play out.  It's not just you.  I am continue to be amazed at how things play out much differently than I expected them to.

OK, onto the meddling.  The OP is not a principal actor in this drama.  She is at best a walk on role in terms of these people's marriage.  It's just an unfortunate position for her to be in.  And the best and most decisive action she can take is to get out of that role and not play any other role in the drama, like that of informant or confidante or supportive friend.

Emotions are likely to be high and unpredictable.  Even if the OP can prove that she did nothing to provoke his interest, that doesn't mean that Lisa will see it that way.

Yes, it is possible that she would be very happy to know about the letter and will act on it, etc, etc and even thank that OP.  But, the problem is that you can't really predict which one its going to be.

I have learned the hard way a few times that, if at all possible, its best to stay out of other people's business completely when its something messy like infidelity.

Everyone in those situations gets burned in some way or another.  The only way that I would consider telling someone something I knew they didn't want to know about their spouse is if they were a very very close friend.  And even then, I would try to avoid it, if possible.

You might think you are "saving someone" but a lot of the time reality plays out much differently.

You assume I don't have firsthand experience with this.  How interesting.  As it is, I do, in fact, have firsthand experience with this.  I would do everything the exact same way over again.  Do I still have that friend?  No, but I can sleep at night knowing I did what I felt was right.

To me, she is a main part in this drama, and Lisa is secondary.  The marriage is not the main plot, the love affair the husband thinks he is having with the OP is the main plot.  I agree that regardless of what OP does to not implicate herself, she cannot control that Lisa will see it that way.  That's why I think it is best to allow Lisa to know all of the pertinent facts without overstimulating her with what happened in the past, including what cannot now be changed even if the actions were regrettable in hindsight. 


IME, telling someone something I know has always worked out for the better.  What is better is relative, however.  I find it better to tell someone upfront what I know.  Does that complicate things?  Sure, but I feel better knowing I came clean early when I knew rather than it happening to me, someone else, and another friend, then, and only then it coming clean.  One times the bad or three times the bad?  I chose and will continue to choose 1 each and every time.  I will nip something in the bud before it has time to grow when it comes to things like this.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

sammycat

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5595
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #102 on: April 16, 2013, 12:06:29 AM »
Wow, OP, what a dreadful situation.

I'm glad your job seems like a safe place and that you are taking steps to change the locks at home etc.

I'm definitely in the camp that says Lisa needs to know about both the letter and the shower incident, for both transparency and showing a pattern of behaviour.

I'm torn on whether you should snail mail, email or hand the letter to Lisa in person.  Each way has its pros and cons.  If you do choose snail mail, then I'd seriously recommend receipted mail to only be signed by Lisa. I'd also go so far as to get someone else to write the envelope, just in case she leaves it lying around unopened and her husband intercepts it.

I'd also implore you to get the original letter back off your other friend ASAP. Leave her a copy of it if you wish (in fact I'd recommend it), but I think it's vital to keep all originals yourself.

Just curious - did this other friend give you any advice/thoughts on how to handle the situation?

Audrey Quest

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7248
Re: Married Friend in Love with Me. Now what?
« Reply #103 on: April 16, 2013, 12:43:14 AM »
Let me address the movie thing first.  When you don't have first hand experience with this sort of thing you can have a sanitized view of how things will play out.  It's not just you.  I am continue to be amazed at how things play out much differently than I expected them to.

OK, onto the meddling.  The OP is not a principal actor in this drama.  She is at best a walk on role in terms of these people's marriage.  It's just an unfortunate position for her to be in.  And the best and most decisive action she can take is to get out of that role and not play any other role in the drama, like that of informant or confidante or supportive friend.

Emotions are likely to be high and unpredictable.  Even if the OP can prove that she did nothing to provoke his interest, that doesn't mean that Lisa will see it that way.

Yes, it is possible that she would be very happy to know about the letter and will act on it, etc, etc and even thank that OP.  But, the problem is that you can't really predict which one its going to be.

I have learned the hard way a few times that, if at all possible, its best to stay out of other people's business completely when its something messy like infidelity.

Everyone in those situations gets burned in some way or another.  The only way that I would consider telling someone something I knew they didn't want to know about their spouse is if they were a very very close friend.  And even then, I would try to avoid it, if possible.

You might think you are "saving someone" but a lot of the time reality plays out much differently.

You assume I don't have firsthand experience with this.  How interesting.  As it is, I do, in fact, have firsthand experience with this.  I would do everything the exact same way over again.  Do I still have that friend?  No, but I can sleep at night knowing I did what I felt was right.

To me, she is a main part in this drama, and Lisa is secondary.  The marriage is not the main plot, the love affair the husband thinks he is having with the OP is the main plot.  I agree that regardless of what OP does to not implicate herself, she cannot control that Lisa will see it that way.  That's why I think it is best to allow Lisa to know all of the pertinent facts without overstimulating her with what happened in the past, including what cannot now be changed even if the actions were regrettable in hindsight. 


IME, telling someone something I know has always worked out for the better.  What is better is relative, however.  I find it better to tell someone upfront what I know.  Does that complicate things?  Sure, but I feel better knowing I came clean early when I knew rather than it happening to me, someone else, and another friend, then, and only then it coming clean.  One times the bad or three times the bad?  I chose and will continue to choose 1 each and every time.  I will nip something in the bud before it has time to grow when it comes to things like this.


You seem to be very concerned with your ability to sleep at night and your own ideas of what is "better."  I would be more concerned about people's privacy and their feelings and letting them deal with their own lives regardless of what I know or don't know.  When dealing with very emotional things people do not always react rationally.

Because of the possibility of this blowing up in the OPs face and her desire for it to go away, I stand by my advice for her to walk away and leave it alone.  She is not so mixed up in their lives that she can't do that.

Restraint is a very valuable tool.