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Author Topic: telling people about others' bad behavior  (Read 14758 times)

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  • formerly RebeccainAR
Re: telling people about others' bad behavior
« Reply #90 on: April 16, 2013, 01:47:02 PM »
Well if you found out about the bad behavior/punishment of others when it was handled through official channels before, why not entrust it to the official channels again?  If they decide to punish her and do it in a way that is "on the record" then her infractions will be made known to everyone through the frat authorities.  If they decide that isn't how they want to approach it then you making it public might garner a bit of disfavor toward you.

That's why I figured I should tell the president and advisor. I don't know the specifics of what happened to people who got punished, except for the incidents I was present for. They don't tell people officially what brothers were punished for.

I think you have, to this point, done the precise right thing. Anytime you are the representative of an organization, especially if you are wearing their logo/colors/visibly one of a group, unless your group is the 'anti-whatever' group, if someone in the group does something wildly inappropriate, you go to the folks in charge. This is no different than if Carrie had gotten sloppily drunk in public, or sprayed graffiti, or mugged a stranger on the way to class - she did something, as a representative of a group, that MADE THE GROUP LOOK BAD. If I was in this group, even in another chapter elsewhere, I'd appreciate you having said something.

HOWEVER, and this where your question lies - you don't need to say anything to anyone else. If someone specifically asks, saying 'she did something at an event I was very uncomfortable with, and I'm not interested in discussing it' is fine. But don't go too far to the extreme of being the town crier of her bad behavior. You're on the high ground so far - stay there.


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Re: telling people about others' bad behavior
« Reply #91 on: April 16, 2013, 01:49:22 PM »
I agree with Moray, Mental Magpie, etc.

If I were in your situation, I would not make a point to go around telling people, in part because it would be very hard for the listener to determine the truth of the situation, especially if they're friends with you and Carrie. They won't want to believe their friend is a bigot, nor would they want to think you wouldn't tell the truth, or would blow something out of proportion. So, it'll create she-said/she-said drama and people taking sides.

However. Sometimes possibly creating drama is worth it. And in this case, I would be truthful if asked. It's something that is very important to you, and Carrie's behavior wasn't just discomfort or awkwardness. She said 'freak' which means it wasn't that she was frightened or thought an actual man had walked into the women's washroom. So, if someone I considered a good friend asked me why our friendship is cooled I would say something like 'she yelled at someone she thought was trans in a washroom and now I can't see her the same way again'. Don't ask or expect the other person to do anything about Carrie on their own, expect that they might stay friends with both of you. But, I think you have the right to be honest if you make that choice.


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Re: telling people about others' bad behavior
« Reply #92 on: April 16, 2013, 01:57:05 PM »
Look, what Carrie did was nasty and wrong.  No question.  The polite response to horrible behavior is shunning - but not character assassination. 

My point is, that if you tell people the details - it doesn't matter what term you put on it, - bigot, transphobia, whatever - you are calling her names.  Ugly, shaming names. You would be calling her names, in retaliation for her calling someone else ugly, shaming names.  You believe that Carrie deserves it, and the person in the bathroom does not.  I don't think anyone here disputes that.  However, that is not a point of etiquette.

Shun her, by all means.  Give her the cut direct - she's earned it.  But if you go airing the details, you are going to be tarred with the same brush - a name-caller.  Don't be that. 

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