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  • January 24, 2017, 08:19:06 PM

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Author Topic: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?  (Read 5835 times)

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Surianne

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #60 on: January 20, 2017, 06:23:04 PM »
 I do think she probably should have offered the bracelet back ("Oh sorry, I didn't realize how much you wanted it!  Here, if you reimburse me the bracelet is yours.")

But I think if she's otherwise a decent person, assuming nasty motivations and posters talking about cutting her off as a friend seems a bit extreme.  As someone who isn't into fashion but likes pretty jewellery sometimes, I can totally see myself making the same mistake with absolutely no malicious intent.  I might not realize how important the specific bracelet was.

Otterpop

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #61 on: January 21, 2017, 07:58:51 PM »
I had a girlfriend do that to me once.  I pointed out a ceramic pitcher I wanted and she snatched it off the shelf and bought it herself.  It was baffling, until she did many more competitive things to me and became an ex-friend.

Friend may have been clueless or she may have done it to one-up her companion.  Cutting her off at this point seems pretty extreme.  I'd keep an eye out though, that gesture was "off."

JoieGirl7

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #62 on: January 22, 2017, 12:10:19 AM »
I think it was rude.  It's one thing to say  "If you're not going to buy, I'm going to."  But, to swoop in and get it when you know your friend was considering it?  Rude.

maksi

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #63 on: January 22, 2017, 01:04:07 AM »
Don't know if it was rude or not, but I definitely wouldn't want to go shopping anymore with someone who does that. Or to hang out that much either.

lakey

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #64 on: January 22, 2017, 04:22:45 PM »
There is a difference between what you can do and what you should do. If a person bought a one of a kind bracelet that she knew I was thinking of buying myself, I wouldn't consider her much of a friend. I would feel that she was out for herself. I wouldn't cut her out of my life, but I might lessen my activity with her.

Allyson

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #65 on: Yesterday at 11:27:33 AM »
Yeah, even though I think N was really not considerate here, I don't really think we can know that she was being nasty or meanspirited, and I definitely wouldn't stop being her friend over it -- that seems really extreme.

I don't personally understand the fuss over copycatting/buying the same dress, but I think this specific incident wasn't very nice. But could've happened from many different motivations, so I'd look at the over relationship with the friend.

secretrebel

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #66 on: Yesterday at 11:57:14 AM »
I tried to place myself and a friend in this situation. I'm thinking of buying a green bracelet. My friend also admires the bracelets and says she likes the red one but isn't sure she can afford it. Then my friend comes back and I tell I'm going to buy the red bracelet for me.

It seems off. At the very least I'd want to tell my friend "I like the red bracelet too, more than the green one I originally saw first - but are you going to get it because I know you liked it."

Telling her, "I'm buying the red one" when I knew she liked it seems inconsiderate and just not what a friend would do. But without other incidents to judge it could just me a moment of thoughtlessness.

JadeGirl

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #67 on: Yesterday at 07:42:32 PM »
I do think she probably should have offered the bracelet back ("Oh sorry, I didn't realize how much you wanted it!  Here, if you reimburse me the bracelet is yours.")

But I think if she's otherwise a decent person, assuming nasty motivations and posters talking about cutting her off as a friend seems a bit extreme.  As someone who isn't into fashion but likes pretty jewellery sometimes, I can totally see myself making the same mistake with absolutely no malicious intent.  I might not realize how important the specific bracelet was.

Ignore for a second, the fact that the item was jewellery.  What if it was the last ticket to an event you wanted to go to, or the last chance to get a book signed by an author, or the last slice of a cake you wanted to try?

Think of a unique item of potential value to you. If you are thinking about purchasing it, and tell your good friend you need few minutes to think it over, do you think it would be the act of a friend to gazump your purchase without saying anything?  Would you not be a little stung?

It's not necessarily a friendship-ending rudeness in and of itself, but I can see why it would make someone step back, especially if there was a history of similar little rudenesses or slights.

Surianne

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #68 on: Yesterday at 08:56:18 PM »
I do think she probably should have offered the bracelet back ("Oh sorry, I didn't realize how much you wanted it!  Here, if you reimburse me the bracelet is yours.")

But I think if she's otherwise a decent person, assuming nasty motivations and posters talking about cutting her off as a friend seems a bit extreme.  As someone who isn't into fashion but likes pretty jewellery sometimes, I can totally see myself making the same mistake with absolutely no malicious intent.  I might not realize how important the specific bracelet was.

Ignore for a second, the fact that the item was jewellery.  What if it was the last ticket to an event you wanted to go to, or the last chance to get a book signed by an author, or the last slice of a cake you wanted to try?

Think of a unique item of potential value to you. If you are thinking about purchasing it, and tell your good friend you need few minutes to think it over, do you think it would be the act of a friend to gazump your purchase without saying anything?  Would you not be a little stung?

It's not necessarily a friendship-ending rudeness in and of itself, but I can see why it would make someone step back, especially if there was a history of similar little rudenesses or slights.

 I would feel the same way -- I think it's very possible to make that mistake without malicious intent.  Your example of the last ticket to an event is a good one to appeal to me.  I'd be pretty sad if I missed out on a concert I wanted to see.  If a friend grabbed the ticket first, I'd probably think it was my own fault, but yes, there's some element of hurt there.  But if it's not something the friend hugely values, they might not realize it's tied up with emotion in a way that would be hurtful.  So I wouldn't end a friendship over it if the friend was generally a decent person.   

I also agree with you that a history of slights would make it pretty reasonable to step back.  To me, it doesn't sound like this is that case, because the negative stories about the friend are just things like "She bought the same china set I did" which...I never would have been able to anticipate that as being hurtful.

JadeGirl

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #69 on: Yesterday at 11:11:00 PM »
Absolutely, there doesn't have to be malice involved. In fact, most of the copiers I have known have done it because they admired something about the person they were copying.

It's just that it can be exhausting.  I have a dear friend who just has to take up whatever interest I am currently participating in, has dyed her hair like mine (in fact she specifically asked me to help because I do my own bright colours), and has started dressing like me and doing her nails like mine in the last year. She used to pooh pooh having an interest in makeup and clothes as too "girly" when I first met her.  I'm not girly by any means, but I feel better if my nails and hair look good, and I have a particular style aesthetic that suits my personality.

I don't think any less of her, but it does give me a twinge of annoyance when I see the latest thing.  Even my hubs, people at our sports club, and friends of mine who don't know her have commented on it. I have to keep her at arm's length when I'm low in energy, which of course makes her escalate.  She's a kind, caring, and lovely person who means well, but has very little self-esteem and awareness of how she comes over. I'm not perfect by any means, so I put up with it, with a little grumbling to my hubs.

Edit: grammar!

Mayadoz

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #70 on: Today at 04:04:42 AM »
Absolutely, there doesn't have to be malice involved. In fact, most of the copiers I have known have done it because they admired something about the person they were copying.

It's just that it can be exhausting.  I have a dear friend who just has to take up whatever interest I am currently participating in, has dyed her hair like mine (in fact she specifically asked me to help because I do my own bright colours), and has started dressing like me and doing her nails like mine in the last year. She used to pooh pooh having an interest in makeup and clothes as too "girly" when I first met her.  I'm not girly by any means, but I feel better if my nails and hair look good, and I have a particular style aesthetic that suits my personality.

I don't think any less of her, but it does give me a twinge of annoyance when I see the latest thing.  Even my hubs, people at our sports club, and friends of mine who don't know her have commented on it. I have to keep her at arm's length when I'm low in energy, which of course makes her escalate.  She's a kind, caring, and lovely person who means well, but has very little self-esteem and awareness of how she comes over. I'm not perfect by any means, so I put up with it, with a little grumbling to my hubs.

Edit: grammar!

This resonated with me JadeGirl because I think that's probably how it is with N. I don't know her as well as I know G, but I wouldn't say she was a malicious person. I think it's more about not trusting her own style/judgement.
Life is short. Buy the shoes. Drink the wine. Order the dessert.

JadeGirl

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Re: Should She Have Bought the Bracelet?
« Reply #71 on: Today at 07:53:19 PM »
Absolutely, there doesn't have to be malice involved. In fact, most of the copiers I have known have done it because they admired something about the person they were copying.

It's just that it can be exhausting.  I have a dear friend who just has to take up whatever interest I am currently participating in, has dyed her hair like mine (in fact she specifically asked me to help because I do my own bright colours), and has started dressing like me and doing her nails like mine in the last year. She used to pooh pooh having an interest in makeup and clothes as too "girly" when I first met her.  I'm not girly by any means, but I feel better if my nails and hair look good, and I have a particular style aesthetic that suits my personality.

I don't think any less of her, but it does give me a twinge of annoyance when I see the latest thing.  Even my hubs, people at our sports club, and friends of mine who don't know her have commented on it. I have to keep her at arm's length when I'm low in energy, which of course makes her escalate.  She's a kind, caring, and lovely person who means well, but has very little self-esteem and awareness of how she comes over. I'm not perfect by any means, so I put up with it, with a little grumbling to my hubs.

Edit: grammar!

This resonated with me JadeGirl because I think that's probably how it is with N. I don't know her as well as I know G, but I wouldn't say she was a malicious person. I think it's more about not trusting her own style/judgement.

It makes me sad.  I've been alone for much of my life, don't have children, and am lucky enough to have a well-paid job in an industry where personal quirks in appearance are tolerated.  Therefore, my tastes are a little outside of the norm for women where I live.  There is a billboard near where I work that says "Life is not a dress rehearsal", and having had a brush with serious illness in the past, this is one of the sayings I live by.

I want to support my friend so she can be confident in the things she likes, and to live her own experiences. To value her own opinions and judgement.  To intersect with me on shared interests, not follow.

*sigh*

I try to remind myself of this when each little niggle happens, and to shrug them off.  Sometimes I succeed immediately, other times it takes a bit of venting to my hubs or deliberate ignoring of the situation.  I know that saying something to her would backfire spectacularly, and despite all of this, I do value her friendship and trust.