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  • June 26, 2017, 02:15:34 PM

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Author Topic: "Friend Poaching"  (Read 2211 times)

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Re: "Friend Poaching"
« Reply #30 on: Today at 10:53:20 AM »
Just to clarify:

It wasn't A's party so she had no control of the guest list.

A introduced me to B because B came over to greet her as we were standing there; not introducing us would have been awkward and rude.

A is still friendly with B because she does not readily discard people for their faults, and while this tendency annoys her, it doesn't outweigh B's good qualities, for her.

In any case, I don't really think there's anything for you to 'handle'.  Get to know B at a pace that feels comfortable for you and judge her on the qualities she presents to you.   At this point, I would be more concerned about A getting possessive and jealous, than about B trying to freeze out A...and even that wouldn't be something I'd worry about it until it actually started to happen.

You are in control of your friendships.


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Re: "Friend Poaching"
« Reply #31 on: Today at 10:58:43 AM »
There is actually an etiquette rule about this sort of thing. I think I ready it on Miss Manners, and also somewhere else.

The very first social occasion (and maybe the next couple/few of them) you do with New Friend B is supposed to include Old Friend A.

Then it would be OK for you to spend time with B but not include A.

And you're not supposed to drop Friend A just because you have a new friend.  Of course, friendships do ebb and flow, and perhaps you'd drift apart.  But it's important to not just drop A immediately.

And I agree w/ Runningstar, that it's often smart to suspend a bit of one's "investment" into a new friendship until you get a better sense of what that person is really like. When people rush into creating friendships, it can be a sign of you really hitting it off--or it can be a sign of someone w/ boundary problems.

So I'd accept B's Facebook request (for me, that's a low bar, and I can get a better sense of who they are that way).

I have never heard of such a thing in the whole of my life, outside of a period novel.

While in some contexts it might be more common to meet someone several times before striking up an individual friendship, such a "rule" seems quite bizarre in contemporary society.

If nothing else, what about meeting a potential date at a party? Would you ask the hostess to chaperone you? How skeevy!

It would not apply to dates, who are not "friends" per se.

But yes, Miss Manners recommends it, although she was speaking more in the sense of things like dinner parties. If you met B at A's dinner party, and you want to see B socially, you could throw a party with A and B invited. Then, you would be free to invite B only to your next party. The question, if I recall, involved not being that keen on A and wishing to drop that friendship eventually. Having at least one other social engagement for the both of them eliminates the implication of "Thank you for inviting me to your party where I met a higher grade of person. I'll never see you again!"

Well, that makes more sense. If you were intending to slow-fade from A anyhow, that would be a tactful way to cover your exit and avoid making it obvious. And it sounds like it was in reference to group events and parties, which also makes more sense.

But the idea of needing A as a go-between to have coffee or see a movie with B still sounds outlandish to me.


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Re: "Friend Poaching"
« Reply #32 on: Today at 11:17:23 AM »
I don't think even Miss Manners recommended it if you were still going to see A as much as you ever did. But in the OP's case, it seems that A fears that the OP won't be her friend any more if she starts seeing B. So maybe first doing something together would reassure her?
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Re: "Friend Poaching"
« Reply #33 on: Today at 11:19:24 AM »
I don't think even Miss Manners recommended it if you were still going to see A as much as you ever did. But in the OP's case, it seems that A fears that the OP won't be her friend any more if she starts seeing B. So maybe first doing something together would reassure her?

This type of fear from A would be a major red flag and turnoff for me. It comes across as manipulative and possessive, two traits I avoid in friendships.


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Re: "Friend Poaching"
« Reply #34 on: Today at 01:34:30 PM »
Even with all the new information, I still think A is being possessive and weird and B is being completely normal. I've never met someone who considers FaceBook a bigger commitment than having phone numbers, but apparently they're out there. Accepting a FB invitation from someone that you met and hit it off with is pretty much exactly what everyone I know uses FB for.

And, I still don't understand what A thinks B is doing wrong? She meets new people through her old friends, and then she hangs out with her new friends, sometimes without her old friends? I never saw anything the OP said that indicated she dropped the old friend or spoke poorly about them behind their back. She just made new friends. If A has a problem with that, I think A is the problem.