Author Topic: Magic Words  (Read 11575 times)

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LadyDyani

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2013, 01:23:43 PM »
"Accio cookie!"

If a little one said that, I would give them the cookie, probably while giggling madly.
English doesn't borrow from other languages, it follows them down dark alleys and beats them up and searches their pockets for loose grammar.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2013, 01:31:17 PM »
Totally, totally agree.

So many people use getting upset as a way of controlling those around them. Leaving people with the choice to always knuckle under or risk the temper tantrum.

Once I started letting the temper tantrums roll, my life became happier, because I was doing what I wanted, and not bowing to the wishes of others.

It took a good 15 years after moving away from home for me to realize that *I* was not making my father upset; he was making himself upset. My actions were perfectly normal. I behaved the same way I did at home as I did elsewhere. Only at home was there yelling and fist pounding and sulking.

I have to say this. When you've grown up being told that you are the cause of someone's temper tantrums and sulks, it can take years until you realize that other people like you. That you don't have to constantly apologize, or worry about their feelings before yours, or brace yourself for being yelled at.

But once you reach that point, when you know you aren't doing anything wrong, and you do what you want and let the temper tantrums fall where they may, it is a very freeing feeling.

Are you me?  I swear, I could have written that post as well!  I always got "Well if you didn't do this, your father wouldn't lose his temper!" I'll grant you, I was likely not the easiest kid and I'm sure I frustrated them by being a C student when they were convinced I could pull straight A's though I'd never done so in my life. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

scotcat60

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #17 on: April 12, 2013, 03:25:11 PM »

"Accio cookie!"

If a little one said that, I would give them the cookie, probably while giggling madly.

Me too!

bah12

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2013, 03:43:00 PM »
I totally agree Artk2002.

Unreasonable adults are a lot like toddlers...and that is unreasonable.  What makes these people difficult to deal with is you can't use logic, reason, and understanding to get a point across.  And just like a toddler, if you give them a lollipop every time they throw a tantrum, all they learn is to continue to throw tantrums.
In the long run, it's usually better to just confront someone and deal with the fallout once vs. putting up with the behavior over and over again (yet, a do agree that sometimes the issue isn't worth the effort).

Also, it does seem that our natural tendancy is to try to placate people and make sure that at the end of the day this person still likes us.  Yet, I think it's totally ok to have the mindset of "I don't care if you don't like me, because you aren't worth the trouble."

reflection5

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2013, 04:39:04 PM »
Quote
it does seem that our natural tendancy is to try to placate people and make sure that at the end of the day this person still likes us. 

Yes, true.  Or that everything will still be “nice” and warm and fuzzy, and everybody can all smile and feel okay. 

"So, please help me, ehell, and let me know a polite way to make this person stop the bad behavior because I can’t do it by myself and I don’t want the person to be mad at me."

 :-\


Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2013, 04:56:23 PM »
I'm reminded of some wise advice a friend gave me, that there is no arguing with an emotional toddler. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

TootsNYC

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2013, 05:12:29 PM »
Here's a set of magic words:

"She'll get over it. That, or she'll die mad."

If someone genuinely loves you, they'll get over it. Honestly, will your mom disown you?

JeseC

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2013, 05:22:57 PM »
Quote
it does seem that our natural tendancy is to try to placate people and make sure that at the end of the day this person still likes us. 

Yes, true.  Or that everything will still be “nice” and warm and fuzzy, and everybody can all smile and feel okay. 

"So, please help me, ehell, and let me know a polite way to make this person stop the bad behavior because I can’t do it by myself and I don’t want the person to be mad at me."

 :-\

It doesn't help that, for many of us (especially with family), the ire is going to fall on the person who's seen as causing the disruption, often for "not being nice."  How many times has my father taken me aside quietly and said if I were just nicer and politer to my mother she wouldn't get upset and throw tantrums so often?  Or for us young ladies, if you had just been a bit nicer and flirted a little instead of saying no that guy wouldn't have called you a female dog.  There's often a lot of external pressure to blame the person who triggered the outburst for not being nice enough, because we're the ones people can control!

Allyson

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2013, 01:47:55 PM »

I also suggest being "blissful and stupid," which means to blissfully assume that other people are not out to get you, even if it seems clear they are looking for a fight.  If they truly are not out to get you, then you haven't wasted time worrying about it. And if they ARE out to get you, letting them see it didn't work allows you to win.

Yes! 'Never assume malice what is explained by stupidity' is one of my favourite phrases here. It really helped me at work, where there was constant drama and weird vibes going on. If I just acted like I didn't notice someone was giving me the 'silent treatment' for a perceived slight, it made things much more peaceful for me. It's easier said than done when it's someone I care about, but I try to never respond to what I 'think' someone means.

I think that trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behaviour is a fruitless and frustrating exercise. I take people at their words as much as I can. If someone gets upset because they said 'oh, I don't feel like going out tonight...' when they mean 'convince me you want me to be there' well, maybe next time they'll just say yes in the first place! I think if people started taking the first 'no' as the final word, people would say 'no' when they mean 'yes' far less!

mmswm

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2013, 02:11:20 PM »
"Accio cookie!"

If a little one said that, I would give them the cookie, probably while giggling madly.

Does a 10 year old count as "little"?  My youngest one says this rather frequently.  His other favorite phrase is "Go, Go, Gadget Arms!" if something is too far away for him to reach from where he's sitting (on his bad days, he has a very difficult time moving around).  I have an old set of DVD's of the original "Inspector Gadget" series and he loves them.
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

reflection5

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #25 on: April 13, 2013, 04:45:12 PM »
Quote
I think that trying to figure out the meaning of someone's behaviour is a fruitless and frustrating exercise.

So true.  Many people play the mind game "I'm mad at you, but you're gonna have to figure out why and think of a way to fix it".  That is such nonsense.

Too much time is spent wondering, analyzing, and essentially catering to another person's mind game.

If you're upset, tell me why.  Maybe I did somehting wrong; we can talk about it and try to work it out.  Otherwise. we need to move on (and that might mean no longer having a relationship).

camlan

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #26 on: April 15, 2013, 08:42:54 AM »
Quote
it does seem that our natural tendancy is to try to placate people and make sure that at the end of the day this person still likes us. 

Yes, true.  Or that everything will still be “nice” and warm and fuzzy, and everybody can all smile and feel okay. 

"So, please help me, ehell, and let me know a polite way to make this person stop the bad behavior because I can’t do it by myself and I don’t want the person to be mad at me."

 :-\

It doesn't help that, for many of us (especially with family), the ire is going to fall on the person who's seen as causing the disruption, often for "not being nice."  How many times has my father taken me aside quietly and said if I were just nicer and politer to my mother she wouldn't get upset and throw tantrums so often?  Or for us young ladies, if you had just been a bit nicer and flirted a little instead of saying no that guy wouldn't have called you a female dog.  There's often a lot of external pressure to blame the person who triggered the outburst for not being nice enough, because we're the ones people can control!

Sadly, this is true. When I first started standing up to my father, he'd tantrum. And everyone else in the family would turn on me, "Look what you did! You got Dad all upset! You've ruined Christmas/the birthday party/dinner."

But by that point, I had had it with always being blamed for everything that went wrong. "No," I'd reply, "Dad is making himself upset." No one knew how to handle me, once I simply and flatly refused to take the blame for Dad's temper tantrums. I remember telling a few people, "You know, Dad's reaction is not normal. Normal people do not turn red in the face and scream for 15 minutes because their adult child can't leave work in the middle of the day to drive them to the store with no prior notice. Normal people do not sulk for two days because someone didn't like the way they cooked the green beans last Sunday. I'm not being mean to Dad. But I am being realistic here. He's the one with the problem, not me. And I can't fix it for him. No one can but Dad himself."

If you've grown up in a house where everyone walks on tip-toes around one person, where the family watchword is "Don't get Dad/Grandma/Aunt Susie upset. You know what will happen," it's very, very difficult to break training and just let that person get upset. It's very hard the first couple of times, and the blame from the rest of the family doesn't help. But it goes a long way to developing a nice, sturdy, shiny spine.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn


reflection5

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2013, 10:04:55 AM »
Quote
If you've grown up in a house where everyone walks on tip-toes around one person, where the family watchword is "Don't get Dad/Grandma/Aunt Susie upset. You know what will happen," it's very, very difficult to break training and just let that person get upset. It's very hard the first couple of times, and the blame from the rest of the family doesn't help. But it goes a long way to developing a nice, sturdy, shiny spine.

Good post, Camlan.  My father was not a screamer and he didn’t exactly throw tantrums.  Instead, he controlled everyone with the silent treatment and long stares.  Everyone walked on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to fall.  Often this was in the form of canceling a family outing or somehow spoiling everyone’s enjoyment of an otherwise nice day or an entire event.  When I got older and stood up to him, people cringed because no one wanted to make him mad.  But my position was that he could just stay mad and be miserable – which he often did for long periods of time.  However, since we were grown and no longer lived with him he couldn’t inflict his misery and head games on others.  Long periods of not hearing from him was often a relief.


PastryGoddess

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #28 on: April 15, 2013, 01:42:22 PM »
Here's a set of magic words:

"She'll get over it. That, or she'll die mad."

If someone genuinely loves you, they'll get over it. Honestly, will your mom disown you?

And if your mom does disown you, that may not be such a bad thing after all.

JeseC

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #29 on: April 15, 2013, 02:55:02 PM »
If you've grown up in a house where everyone walks on tip-toes around one person, where the family watchword is "Don't get Dad/Grandma/Aunt Susie upset. You know what will happen," it's very, very difficult to break training and just let that person get upset. It's very hard the first couple of times, and the blame from the rest of the family doesn't help. But it goes a long way to developing a nice, sturdy, shiny spine.

If it's anything like my family, family members who weren't there will most likely have been treated to an exaggerated version in which the problem family member is an innocent martyr.  For example, if you remove yourself from a conversation in which the problem family member was rudely attacking you over a choice, you'll later have another member coming up and saying "She told me that she just asked you why you made that choice, and you got mad at her and stormed off!  I can't believe you'd treat her that way!"  Never mind that her "just asking" consisted of yelling about how you're a terrible person and she can't understand how anyone would ever make the choice you did.