Author Topic: Magic Words  (Read 11578 times)

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reflection5

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #30 on: April 15, 2013, 03:02:10 PM »
Quote
you'll later have another member coming up and saying "She told me that she just asked you why you made that choice, and you got mad at her and stormed off!  I can't believe you'd treat her that way!" 
Yes, uninformed busybody relatives who make judgments and stick their noses in situations which are none of their business.  UGH. >:(  I've had to distance myself from a few, after setting them straight.  Never goes over well. 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2013, 07:17:46 PM by reflection5 »

VorFemme

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #31 on: April 15, 2013, 06:23:39 PM »
Sadly, magic does NOT work in this universe.

The only words that come close to working are the ones someone mentioned above about, "they'll either get over it or die angry (mad)". 

Sometimes those words only work if you are willing to walk away from the situation for as long as it takes for them to get over it.....which can be years in extreme cases.

Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2013, 07:32:14 PM »
I remember the last time I stood up to my father, I was shaking like a leaf for about 5 minutes afterwards but then didn't hear from him or my mother for 2 months...the most peaceful 2 months I'd had since Dh and I moved back to Maryland and I decided I rather enjoyed it. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Minmom3

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #33 on: April 16, 2013, 12:53:29 AM »
I've had 2 times in my life when I didn't hear from my mother, and YES, they were peaceful indeed. 

The summer I was 19 years old, I left to go work up in the mountains at a resort.  In doing that, I also moved out of Mom's apartment, and into a boyfriend's apartment.  Mom pitched a truly royal fit.  When I left anyway, she wrote me a vituperative and ugly letter, which I ignored.  A month letter, I got a letter firmly chastising me for rude behavior, which I ignored.  Over a month after that, I got a nice letter, which I answered.  But all that time, I got and gave no phone calls, and THAT was the peace I needed. 

Many years later, after I was married with children, Mom demanded that I, or failing that, a friend of hers, do a lot of driving around (easily 4+ hours...) on Christmas Day to get Mom from friends house to my IL's house, where we would be that day.  I refused to do it, told her she was being selfish in the extreme, and that we would rent her a car so she could drive herself and not impose on anybody else that day.  She took GRAVE offense at being told she was selfish, and told me she wouldn't see me on Christmas if I was going to behave that way, and hung up!  I didn't hear from her for 6 months or more.

There's a lot more to it than that, but that was the start of about 15 years where I saw my mother no more than 2 times a year, if that.  It didn't really resolve itself until we discovered she had the beginnings of dementia and could no longer live alone.  For decades before that, she was a bitter old lady who caused scenes at family events to get her way, read everybody the riot act when she thought they misbehaved, (which only meant they didn't give in to her and her demands) and churned through friends at a rapid rate as she burned through them.  None of the greater family will have anything to do with her.  It's a sad way to live.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

LadyClaire

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #34 on: April 16, 2013, 11:39:12 AM »
I have to say this. When you've grown up being told that you are the cause of someone's temper tantrums and sulks, it can take years until you realize that other people like you. That you don't have to constantly apologize, or worry about their feelings before yours, or brace yourself for being yelled at.

But once you reach that point, when you know you aren't doing anything wrong, and you do what you want and let the temper tantrums fall where they may, it is a very freeing feeling.

This. My father was always awful to deal with because any little tiny thing could set him off. A piece of paper on the floor. Not expressing enough enjoyment of the chinese takeout he brought home. Not being able to drop everything at the last minute to attend to him. It would result in red-faced screaming, holes being punched in the walls, name calling, and dishes being flung and broken. I used to pick out gifts for my mother with the thought of "if Dad throws this, will it break?"

My husband, by contrast, is the most laid back person in the world. I have known him for 17 years, been with him for 11 years, married for 2.5 of those years.  In all that time, I have never heard him raise his voice. One day, he asked me to find him a screwdriver. I couldn't find it. I panicked. Completely and totally panicked. Because with my dad, not being able to produce the asked for screwdriver within a minute of being asked would result in a fit of rage, being called lazy and useless, and probably end with the finally found screwdriver being stabbed into the nearest wall/piece of furniture/whatever else was nearby. My husband came into the house to find me in near tears, every drawer in the place emptied, and shaking because I could not find the screwdriver. He told me it was OK, not to worry, that it was his fault for not putting it back where it belonged in the first place.

It was like a lightbulb suddenly went off. It was OK that I couldn't find the screwdriver. It wasn't my fault that it wasn't where it should be. No one was blaming me. No one was screaming, or throwing things. I didn't have to be so afraid of not being able to find it, because normal people don't get so angry about things like that. I didn't have to be afraid and what I grew up with had been unacceptable.

I haven't talked to my father in nearly 3 years, now..and it's a relief. I never realized how completely he had poisoned my enjoyment of life until he wasn't in it anymore. No more panic attacks or having to cater to him. No more caring if he got offended. No more walking on eggshells or feeling constantly sick and afraid of what he'd do or say. I had to pretty much figure out my own reactions for a while, to recondition myself not to be afraid of how people would react to something I'd said or done because there was nothing wrong with what I was doing or saying. It had always been him and his problem, all those years.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2013, 11:58:06 AM »
My father was somewhat similar. I don't remember him punching holes in walls, but I do remember him throwing things, sometimes plates.  And it didn't take much to set him off either, it could even be an issue of semantics.   If you didn't read his mind and give him the answer he wanted with the exact words he wanted to hear.

Doing homework with him was a nightmare, I was so afraid of giving the wrong answer that I'd sit there like an idiot not giving any answer, even the right one. 

As I told MIL a couple months ago, the thing that attracted me to DH the most was his patience.  I have never seen the man lose his temper. Get mad? Sure, but there is no walking on eggshells around him.  I remember in college I asked him to help me to understand something and he was so patient and when I showed I didn't get it still he didn't fly off the handle, just took another tact in explaining it.

Now, I will admit I have a temper but I have learned to keep it in check.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

gellchom

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2013, 02:58:51 PM »
We never called "please" the "magic word" with our kidz because ... it wasn't!  An 8-year-old can say "please" all day, but I'm still not going to let her drive.   :)

We just made it habit: "Would you like some juice?  Yes please or no thank you?"

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #37 on: April 16, 2013, 05:01:53 PM »
This reminds me of what Gru says in Despicable Me.  "The appearance of the 'please' makes no difference."
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

JeseC

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #38 on: April 16, 2013, 05:17:06 PM »
We never called "please" the "magic word" with our kidz because ... it wasn't!  An 8-year-old can say "please" all day, but I'm still not going to let her drive.   :)

We just made it habit: "Would you like some juice?  Yes please or no thank you?"

I actually saw a (50+ years of age) uncle of mine try this.  He was incredibly put out because he "asked nicely" and didn't get what he wanted from another adult.  Needless to say this impressed no one.

violinp

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #39 on: April 16, 2013, 05:19:56 PM »
I know this feeling of wanting words to just make someone stop being rude or mean without drama. Both sets of my grandparents had/has their own sets of issues, and my parents have spent years trying to placate them. I stopped trying once I became an adult. I didn't become as rude as my grandparents, mind - I still maintained my politeness. But, I just didn't care if what I said angered them or upset them. I just didn't care any more. Then again, someone telling you that your college professors should hit you in the face every time your verbal tics come out tends to make you stop caring what that person has to say about you.  >:(

My dad has told me several times that family is an obligation, and every time, I think, "No, it's not. I don't have to do anything for my family. I do things for my loved ones because I love them and I want to show them how much I love them." For me, seeing your family as a mere obligation is a sad and horrible way to live. If someone doesn't want to be a decent person to me, then I don't want them in my life, no matter how closely related they are to me.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #40 on: April 16, 2013, 07:15:05 PM »
I agree, and the more I hear people pull the "but they're faaaaaaamily" card I want to snatch it and rip it up before feeding it to our four legged whiskered vacuum cleaner.  That or when I hear the line fed to childfree folks "But who's going to take care of you when you're old and sick?"  ::)

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

VorFemme

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #41 on: April 16, 2013, 07:40:08 PM »
I agree, and the more I hear people pull the "but they're faaaaaaamily" card I want to snatch it and rip it up before feeding it to our four legged whiskered vacuum cleaner.  That or when I hear the line fed to childfree folks "But who's going to take care of you when you're old and sick?"  ::)


Come to think of it, I think the one about "who is going to pick out the retirement home you end up in?" is a better question.

Do you want someone who cares whether or not you're happy & comfortable or do you want someone who just wants to get things "over with" so that they can stop dealing with the crazy old bat/coot and get back home.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2013, 08:19:52 PM by VorFemme »
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #42 on: April 16, 2013, 08:09:03 PM »
I agree, and the more I hear people pull the "but they're faaaaaaamily" card I want to snatch it and rip it up before feeding it to our four legged whiskered vacuum cleaner.  That or when I hear the line fed to childfree folks "But who's going to take care of you when you're old and sick?"  ::)


Come to think of it, I like the one about "who is going to pick out the retirement home you end up in?" is a better question.

Do you want someone who cares whether or not you're happy & comfortable or do you want someone who just wants to get things "over with" so that they can stop dealing with the crazy old bat/coot and get back home.

Yeah I always liked that phrase, "be nice to your kids, they'll pick out your nursing home." :)
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

weeblewobble

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #43 on: May 17, 2013, 09:30:40 AM »
My mom tries to use the "FAAAAAMILY" excuse on me and it does not fly.  My uncle posted something really mean spirited on my Facebook page the other day.  I was talking to my mom about the fact that was I defriending him and she said, "You can't do that. Yes, he's a jerk, but he's family."

To which I responded, "FAMILY is supposed to treat you BETTER than strangers on the street, not worse."  And clicked defriend anyway. 

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #44 on: May 17, 2013, 10:03:03 AM »
Recently my SIL & sister got into a discussion about me and my brother, my sister's exact words were, "he should treat me better, I am his FULL sister and she's not..."

My SIL replied, "your both human, why should one of you be treated better than the other?"

I think this sums it up in our family, our sister is entitled and selfish, she feels like she should be treated better because....   

And our mother enabled this thinking and this behavior.   

I can't tell you all how much I love this board.  I have learned new ways to express myself politely, deflect others politely and/or just walk away.  I have also heard horror stories of other dysfunctional families that make our family look nearly normal, I am shocked at the stories of other families and yet I can totally relate.

And I have gotten to share my own horror stories.