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Author Topic: Magic Words  (Read 23258 times)

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CreteGirl

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #45 on: June 26, 2014, 02:17:29 PM »
What a great thread!  Thanks for posting the link in the other thread, ArtK!

Pioneer

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #46 on: June 27, 2014, 08:43:34 AM »
No comment; just bookmarking for future reference.  Thank you, ArtK.
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Twik

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #47 on: June 27, 2014, 09:22:20 AM »
Yeah I always liked that phrase, "be nice to your kids, they'll pick out your nursing home." :)

Unfortunately, in my mother's case, I wasn't able to, because the government does.  :'( But the thought's the same.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Hollanda

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #48 on: June 27, 2014, 10:16:55 AM »
Problem with me is, this.
 
Person asks me unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Me: Erm, maybe...I don't know...I...I...
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Me: But I don't have time to do it (more like I don't want to do it, even if I did have time for it).
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person.
 
I end up doing whatever favour and rushing about on my day off work which is supposed to be spent doing Nice Things with DS, and I end up resentful and seething inside towards this person I really, really didn't want to do this thing for.
 
Usually, it's meeting up with my mother who (as you may recall) I have not always had the easiest of relationships with.  This ebbs and flows - sometimes we're great together, sometimes we'd kill each other, but that is the nature of the beast and I have made peace with that.  It is my own lack of spine that drives me mad.
 
I put the phone down and what pops into my head??
 
I am sorry, but that is not possible.
 
I fume with myself, really I do!! The magic words are there, to me...I just never remember them until I don't need the magic any more.   :(
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


PastryGoddess

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #49 on: June 27, 2014, 11:57:45 AM »
Problem with me is, this.
 
Person asks me unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Me: Erm, maybe...I don't know...I...I...
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Me: But I don't have time to do it (more like I don't want to do it, even if I did have time for it).
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person.
 
I end up doing whatever favour and rushing about on my day off work which is supposed to be spent doing Nice Things with DS, and I end up resentful and seething inside towards this person I really, really didn't want to do this thing for.
 
Usually, it's meeting up with my mother who (as you may recall) I have not always had the easiest of relationships with.  This ebbs and flows - sometimes we're great together, sometimes we'd kill each other, but that is the nature of the beast and I have made peace with that.  It is my own lack of spine that drives me mad.
 
I put the phone down and what pops into my head??
 
I am sorry, but that is not possible.
 
I fume with myself, really I do!! The magic words are there, to me...I just never remember them until I don't need the magic any more.   :(

There are no magic words :)  That is the point of this post.  However, you are falling into the trap of JADE'ing.  Just because someone asks you to do something doesn't mean they need answer immediately.   

A better strategy would be to let said person know that you have to check and will get back to them.  And then end the conversation every single time.   so the conversation could look like this:

Person asks Hollanda unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you *hangs up*/*walks away*
Maryland

Wordgeek

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #50 on: July 14, 2015, 04:19:50 PM »
Just set this to sticky, cuz it's awesome.  A great thread.

MrTango

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #51 on: July 14, 2015, 04:23:15 PM »
Just set this to sticky, cuz it's awesome.  A great thread.

Thanks!

bridalviolet

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #52 on: July 14, 2015, 04:31:42 PM »
Here's a set of magic words:

"She'll get over it. That, or she'll die mad."

If someone genuinely loves you, they'll get over it. Honestly, will your mom disown you?

My aunt used to say, "They can get glad in the same pants they got mad in."

artk2002

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #53 on: July 14, 2015, 05:17:05 PM »
Thanks!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Wordgeek

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #54 on: July 14, 2015, 05:51:23 PM »
Heh.

I started thinking about this thread because I'm dealing with a no-magic-words situation.  Convo basically went as follows:

Person:  I want impossible things!
Me:  That's impossible.  Figure it out.
Person: You're impossible!
Me: That isn't figuring it out.

Ah, well.  Life goes on.


artk2002

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #55 on: July 14, 2015, 10:23:20 PM »
It sounds like "Person" is the one looking for magic words!
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Wordgeek

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #56 on: July 15, 2015, 09:30:24 AM »
Or for magic itself. I really don't get it.

Person's major complaint is that I did not communicate with them about a situation with another family member.  This is true. There is a situation, of which I have significant knowledge, that I did not discuss with them. Why not? Because Person cut off contact with me.  Person has me blocked on Facebook due to my perfidities, and has refused contact via other methods of communication.  But I'm supposed to somehow have made a conversation happen on this specific topic?

If you don't want to talk to me, we won't talk. How is that difficult to understand?

ladyknight1

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #57 on: July 15, 2015, 11:29:52 AM »
Quote
If you've grown up in a house where everyone walks on tip-toes around one person, where the family watchword is "Don't get Dad/Grandma/Aunt Susie upset. You know what will happen," it's very, very difficult to break training and just let that person get upset. It's very hard the first couple of times, and the blame from the rest of the family doesn't help. But it goes a long way to developing a nice, sturdy, shiny spine.

Good post, Camlan.  My father was not a screamer and he didn’t exactly throw tantrums.  Instead, he controlled everyone with the silent treatment and long stares.  Everyone walked on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to fall.  Often this was in the form of canceling a family outing or somehow spoiling everyone’s enjoyment of an otherwise nice day or an entire event.  When I got older and stood up to him, people cringed because no one wanted to make him mad.  But my position was that he could just stay mad and be miserable – which he often did for long periods of time.  However, since we were grown and no longer lived with him he couldn’t inflict his misery and head games on others.  Long periods of not hearing from him was often a relief.

Both my mother and father are prone to passive aggressive usage of the silent treatment or tantrums, depending on the occasion.

If my mother doesn't want to do something or has something not go the way she expects, she actually pouts and will reply to inquiries as to the issue with "nothing" and a huff.
My father doesn't want to do something, he won't say it, but he will refuse to get out of the car or refuse to go.

I, my oldest sister and our DH's have figured this out. We ignore the PA behavior. We're planning a joint trip next year and already working on preemptively resolving these issues.

My dad's major issue is he expects everyone to go along with his plan and to not deviate. We're all adults, the youngest is 44.

Chez Miriam

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #58 on: July 15, 2015, 11:43:44 AM »
Problem with me is, this.
 
Person asks me unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Me: Erm, maybe...I don't know...I...I...
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Me: But I don't have time to do it (more like I don't want to do it, even if I did have time for it).
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person.
 
I end up doing whatever favour and rushing about on my day off work which is supposed to be spent doing Nice Things with DS, and I end up resentful and seething inside towards this person I really, really didn't want to do this thing for.
 
Usually, it's meeting up with my mother who (as you may recall) I have not always had the easiest of relationships with.  This ebbs and flows - sometimes we're great together, sometimes we'd kill each other, but that is the nature of the beast and I have made peace with that.  It is my own lack of spine that drives me mad.
 
I put the phone down and what pops into my head??
 
I am sorry, but that is not possible.
 
I fume with myself, really I do!! The magic words are there, to me...I just never remember them until I don't need the magic any more.   :(

There are no magic words :)  That is the point of this post.  However, you are falling into the trap of JADE'ing.  Just because someone asks you to do something doesn't mean they need answer immediately.   

A better strategy would be to let said person know that you have to check and will get back to them.  And then end the conversation every single time.   so the conversation could look like this:

Person asks Hollanda unreasonable, unfeasible request.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: Well, look, it's not unreasonable, you're off work anyway.
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you
Person: If you do this for me, you save my life and you're a wonderful person
Hollanda: I'll have to check, I'll get back to you *hangs up*/*walks away*
This is my favourite delaying tactic [while I go off and search for where I left my spine], and bizarrely if someone pushes is more than a couple of times I find I can sometimes say "you can have a 'no' now, or you can let me check if I can manage to do that; your choice" and have no problems refusing just because they pushed.

Adding another big "thank you" to ArtK2002 for posting this.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."    - Julian of Norwich

ladyknight1

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Re: Magic Words
« Reply #59 on: July 15, 2015, 12:11:25 PM »
A few former friends who have no interest in me or my life but raise Cain if I don't personally contact them when something happens regarding people they know (mutual friends or my family) or people they don't know! I haven't heard from you in years, except for a business offer from them, they aren't going to be on the top of my list for contact.

FF: What happened to mutual friend?
Me: He had a massive medical issue.
FF: Why didn't you call me?
Me: I haven't talked to you in years. Why would i have your phone number?
FF: Well, we were very close to mutual friend.
Me: Yes, it's sad to lose him.

Side note: They hadn't seen or communicated with mutual friend in a decade. He tried to call them or make arrangements to see them and they never responded, so he stopped like we did. How close can you be to someone you have had no contact with for a decade?