Author Topic: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor, Update #54  (Read 10884 times)

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reflection5

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #45 on: April 17, 2013, 01:27:32 PM »
Quote
she was making veiled death threats against people.

 :o

Oh, my.  Be my friend or die - a great way to build lasting relationships::)  Not.

Winterlight

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #46 on: April 17, 2013, 01:29:02 PM »
I agree with the person who said he is probably trying to re-create a little bit of the dorm life. Which I can understand.

Honestly - when I am approached by a man and he asks to hang out/get a drink/buy me a drink/dinner, etc. Basically anything like what the OP described I have found the following ALWAYS works.

Guy: Hey would you like to go out and grab a drink?
Me: (big smile) Awwww NO THANK YOU! (Big smile)
::Awkward silence::
Guy: Okay thanks. ::Leaves::


The "Awwwww" for some reason gets the point across. I don't know why but it always, always works. I use it all the time and the reaction is always the same. The guy never gets mad, and just sort of smiles and walks away quietly.  :P  My friends use it too and it always gets the job done.

Maybe try something like this. You are nice but still saying No.

Actually, this works because its incrediably condescending.  What the "Awwwww" says is "That's so cute that you thought I might have a drink with you! As if!"

Its not nice at all, and I really feel for any perfectly nice people who have asked you out who you've essentially laughed in the face of (whether that was your intent or not).

What's wrong with "That's nice of you to ask, but no thank you."  Big smile.

I have to agree. That sounds more like you're slapping them down, not declining.
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Onyx_TKD

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #47 on: April 17, 2013, 02:05:01 PM »
I have to say I've found the point of view that this guy is creepy because of his approach to the OP interesting. It didn't come across that way to me at all - I just figured he was used to a more friendly or forthcoming type of neighbor relationship and was just being upfront and honest with the OP and wanted to know if he had done something to offend her.

Maybe I'm naive?

It's possible that different posters are referring to different types of "creepy." Being used to more friendly neighbor relationships is fine. Wanting a friendlier relationship with your neighbor is fine. Asking "Have I offended you?" because the polite, reasonably friendly neighbor isn't as warm and fuzzy as you expect isn't so fine. On one extreme, he could be intentionally trying to manipulate her into being friendlier than she is comfortable with, which is creepy. On the other extreme, it could be pure obliviousness that anyone might not want to be best friends with their neighbors right off the bat. And IMO, that level of obliviousness is pretty extreme and could be creepy in its own way.

For comparison, I know someone who seems to be a truly well-meaning person*, but appears completely unable to grasp the concept that not everyone likes the same things he likes. For a while, we were both part of the same club, and I eventually dropped out purely because of him. He is awful to deal with and has very little sense of boundaries. He'll listen to an entire discussion of why the rest of the group unanimously thinks we should do something a particular way, forge ahead and do things his way, and appears to sincerely think that everyone will be happy with that, because it's the "right" way in his mind. I am completely confident that he is not romantically interested in me, but his sheer obliviousness to the wants and needs of other people can still be creepy as hell.

I doubt that the OP's neighbor is anything like the guy I described, but I don't think "creepy" is limited to guys with bad intentions.

*Either that, or he's breathtakingly good at playing the role of well-meaning guy with no social skills and chooses to do so 24/7  :-\

lowspark

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #48 on: April 17, 2013, 03:22:08 PM »
Honestly, I don't think this guy has bad intentions. I used the phrase "hitting on you" which does have a bad connotation but only because of the way he's going about this. So I might have said, "flirting with you" which has a much nicer connotation.

Of course there's nothing wrong at all with a situation where the new neighbor is attracted to the OP and would like to get to know her better and pursue a romantic rel@tionship if she's ammenable. There's no bad intentions there.

So again, it all comes down to how he's going about it. The phrasing and approach are just off (in my opinion) and were I the OP, any interest or even open mindedness about the possibility of getting to know him better would be closed off with his opening lines. And that's why I used "hitting on you" because that's how it feels. It doesn't feel friendly. It doesn't attract me. It doesn't feel like flirting. It feels manipulative and even somewhat accusatory.

So yeah, his intentions may be quite honorable and respectable. But I'm not seeing that from his choice of words and therefore, I would not be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. If I were the one on the receiving end of this, I wouldn't really care what his intentions were.

illini

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #49 on: April 17, 2013, 07:27:27 PM »
I agree with the person who said he is probably trying to re-create a little bit of the dorm life. Which I can understand.

Honestly - when I am approached by a man and he asks to hang out/get a drink/buy me a drink/dinner, etc. Basically anything like what the OP described I have found the following ALWAYS works.

Guy: Hey would you like to go out and grab a drink?
Me: (big smile) Awwww NO THANK YOU! (Big smile)
::Awkward silence::
Guy: Okay thanks. ::Leaves::


The "Awwwww" for some reason gets the point across. I don't know why but it always, always works. I use it all the time and the reaction is always the same. The guy never gets mad, and just sort of smiles and walks away quietly.  :P  My friends use it too and it always gets the job done.

Maybe try something like this. You are nice but still saying No.

Actually, this works because its incrediably condescending.  What the "Awwwww" says is "That's so cute that you thought I might have a drink with you! As if!"

Its not nice at all, and I really feel for any perfectly nice people who have asked you out who you've essentially laughed in the face of (whether that was your intent or not).

What's wrong with "That's nice of you to ask, but no thank you."  Big smile.

I have to agree. That sounds more like you're slapping them down, not declining.

The only rejection that still stings after all these years (10+ years later) was the one where she burst out laughing and said no.  Mentions of being busy (with no alternative brought up) or other white lies haven't stuck around much but I still remember that one vividly. 

mbbored

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #50 on: April 18, 2013, 01:07:05 AM »
Lowspark brings up an interesting point.

OP, do you know if he's done this to his other neighbors?

I honestly have no idea. My interactions with my neighbors are typically limited to "Hello! Lovely day, isn't it? Your roses are looking fabulous!" I haven't bothered to ask anybody.

I'm not unfriendly with my neighbors: I've exchanged cups of sugar for baked goods, jumped somebody's car before work, borrowed a phone when I locked myself out. Heck, once we all sat around and split a bottle of wine on our mutual lawn when the power went out. We're just not terribly sociable.

Miss Unleaded

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #51 on: April 18, 2013, 04:51:15 AM »
I agree with the person who said he is probably trying to re-create a little bit of the dorm life. Which I can understand.

Honestly - when I am approached by a man and he asks to hang out/get a drink/buy me a drink/dinner, etc. Basically anything like what the OP described I have found the following ALWAYS works.

Guy: Hey would you like to go out and grab a drink?
Me: (big smile) Awwww NO THANK YOU! (Big smile)
::Awkward silence::
Guy: Okay thanks. ::Leaves::


The "Awwwww" for some reason gets the point across. I don't know why but it always, always works. I use it all the time and the reaction is always the same. The guy never gets mad, and just sort of smiles and walks away quietly.  :P  My friends use it too and it always gets the job done.

Maybe try something like this. You are nice but still saying No.

Actually, this works because its incrediably condescending.  What the "Awwwww" says is "That's so cute that you thought I might have a drink with you! As if!"

Its not nice at all, and I really feel for any perfectly nice people who have asked you out who you've essentially laughed in the face of (whether that was your intent or not).

What's wrong with "That's nice of you to ask, but no thank you."  Big smile.

I have to agree. That sounds more like you're slapping them down, not declining.

I agree, maybe the tone that I'm reading into it is off, but I have an impossible time imagining this as anything other than rude, condescending and unpleasant.

EllenS

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #52 on: April 18, 2013, 12:56:55 PM »
I've exchanged cups of sugar for baked goods, jumped somebody's car before work, borrowed a phone when I locked myself out. Heck, once we all sat around and split a bottle of wine on our mutual lawn when the power went out. We're just not terribly sociable.

Sounds like a great neighborhood!  95% chance he just needs to adjust to the grownup world.

gramma dishes

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #53 on: April 18, 2013, 01:17:08 PM »
I agree with the person who said he is probably trying to re-create a little bit of the dorm life. Which I can understand.

Honestly - when I am approached by a man and he asks to hang out/get a drink/buy me a drink/dinner, etc. Basically anything like what the OP described I have found the following ALWAYS works.

Guy: Hey would you like to go out and grab a drink?
Me: (big smile) Awwww NO THANK YOU! (Big smile)
::Awkward silence::
Guy: Okay thanks. ::Leaves::


The "Awwwww" for some reason gets the point across. I don't know why but it always, always works. I use it all the time and the reaction is always the same. The guy never gets mad, and just sort of smiles and walks away quietly.  :P  My friends use it too and it always gets the job done.

Maybe try something like this. You are nice but still saying No.

Actually, this works because its incrediably condescending.  What the "Awwwww" says is "That's so cute that you thought I might have a drink with you! As if!"

Its not nice at all, and I really feel for any perfectly nice people who have asked you out who you've essentially laughed in the face of (whether that was your intent or not).

What's wrong with "That's nice of you to ask, but no thank you."  Big smile.

I have to agree with Katycoo.  To me this really is condescending, insulting and disrespectful  -- bordering on contemptuous even.   

I'm not in the least surprised that it's "effective", but it's effective because it's so offensive

I can't imagine wanting to be very "helpful" to a neighbor in need if that neighbor had used the word "awwwww" in stating that they didn't want any closer relationship.   

If it was just some weird  guy you passed on the street, sure.  That's altogether different.


mbbored

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #54 on: June 17, 2013, 12:27:25 PM »
I know it's been a while, but I thought I'd give y'all a quick update.

A few weeks ago, the neighbor knocked on my door after 10 pm one evening. I opened the main door but left my security door closed (metal grate with deadbolts). He held up the beers and said it was time to get to know each other! I said thanks but no, I was headed to bed since I had to work in the morning. After that, there's been a few times when I've heard somebody knocking on my front door after 10 pm on weekdays. When I don't answer, the knocking continues for a few minutes then I hear his front door (which is directly next to mine) slam shut.

Now when I pass him and say hello he grunts and turns away. Once I was entering my townhouse when I saw his front door open. He looked out then slammed his door shut. Oh well.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor, Update #54
« Reply #55 on: June 17, 2013, 12:31:12 PM »
 :o  If you are knocking on my door after 10 pm any night, let alone a weeknight, my house better be on fire!

No need to worry about the neighbourly relations, now, I suppose.   :)
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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor, Update #54
« Reply #56 on: June 17, 2013, 01:32:40 PM »
Yikes! Now I know what he truly meant when he wanted to "get to know each other." No thanks, buddy!

Harriet Jones

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor, Update #54
« Reply #57 on: June 17, 2013, 01:37:39 PM »
Ugh. The most innocuous interpretation is that he's still in college mode, where it wouldn't be unusual to do something like this. However, it's coming across as an attempted booty call. No great loss, I guess.

JoieGirl7

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor, Update #54
« Reply #58 on: June 17, 2013, 01:40:20 PM »
Because nothing encouraes a response of  "Gee, I really missed the boat on getting to know that wonderful guy next door" like grunts and door slamming.

Sheesh!  What a winner!  :o

You have obviously been doing the right thing in avoiding him!

Eeep!

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Re: How to be a Polite but Distant Neighbor
« Reply #59 on: June 17, 2013, 02:53:21 PM »
I agree with the person who said he is probably trying to re-create a little bit of the dorm life. Which I can understand.

Honestly - when I am approached by a man and he asks to hang out/get a drink/buy me a drink/dinner, etc. Basically anything like what the OP described I have found the following ALWAYS works.

Guy: Hey would you like to go out and grab a drink?
Me: (big smile) Awwww NO THANK YOU! (Big smile)
::Awkward silence::
Guy: Okay thanks. ::Leaves::


The "Awwwww" for some reason gets the point across. I don't know why but it always, always works. I use it all the time and the reaction is always the same. The guy never gets mad, and just sort of smiles and walks away quietly.  :P  My friends use it too and it always gets the job done.

Maybe try something like this. You are nice but still saying No.

Actually, this works because its incrediably condescending.  What the "Awwwww" says is "That's so cute that you thought I might have a drink with you! As if!"

Its not nice at all, and I really feel for any perfectly nice people who have asked you out who you've essentially laughed in the face of (whether that was your intent or not).

What's wrong with "That's nice of you to ask, but no thank you."  Big smile.

I have to agree. That sounds more like you're slapping them down, not declining.

I concur. Sounds fairly humiliating. Hence the awkward silence.  If something you do is always met with awkward silence, it might be worth looking at whether it's the best choice.  (Not saying that we are responsible for everyone's responses to everything we do, of course.  And rejection is never fun. But if you typically receive one result, that involves overt awkwardness, it might be worth considering there is a better way to do it. )
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss