Author Topic: Am I doing okay here?  (Read 5916 times)

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cicero

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2013, 03:28:07 PM »
I agree with PPs, especially camlan. And I understand what you aware saying about the tunnel vision thing, most BBQs here include piles of chicken breast, meat skewers , kebabs, chicken skewers, steak, wings hot dogs... And a beautiful selection of sides that rarely get touched.

Sit dh down, make your lists, and give him 'due dates' for the projects ( you might as well build in a grace period so say you want it finished by Aug first , tell him it needs to be done by July 15).

And go ahead and reduce some of the hosting stress make less, or buy some things ready made or ask your sil's to help out

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Sophia

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2013, 03:49:30 PM »
Yep, a DH problem. 

Imagine this.  Your husband does not work on the guest bath or kitchen.  He communicates before starting any projects between now and the party (meaning you give the go-ahead).  He doesn't put the lobster out until you give the nod.  How is your stress level?  I am thinking it would be normal party hostess level. 

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2013, 05:57:33 PM »
I think you have two separate issues here: pushy extended family and your husband's scheduling problem. I think you need to work on the scheduling issue first then tackle the family. The Lobster situation was rude, but your stress might just be the result of your husband's antics then his families.

I think this is it in a nutshell. Dh's house projects stress me out and now I feel pushed to commit to something I'm not yet sure I want to do this year.

I am grateful that we all get long fairly well. The in laws are not looking for a free meal - they want to see their brother and celebrate his birthday -and bring delicious cake. They have invited us to their homes but dh won't eat at their homes due to them allowing their cats up on he kitchen counters. (Which could probably be a whole other topic). We have met them and joined them at restaurants. 

Dh is not going to change. I can accept that. And someday the house will be "finished enough" so there will be less need for last minute projects, though I'm pretty sure there will always be something. It's just his nature. I'm just hoping it will be something that is not a hassle for me, like cleaning the basement or sprucing up the yard.

My biggest issue is that I'm not  sure that I really want to make the effort every single year, especially this year as he's replacing the flooring for the whole first floor which has an open floor plan. It's going to be one big construction area.  I've been living around his unfinished projects and have had close friends and family come for dinner but I can't entertain if everything is in chaos.

I simply cannot commit to anything at this time. I was hoping that SIL would catch that when I said its too early for us to say when or if we would have a party this year. At this time, it doesn't matter when she is available because I just don't know.


YummyMummy66

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2013, 07:36:27 PM »
Ask your dh if he wants to have a party this year, or not a party, maybe just  a family get together.

Tell eveyrone invited that you did not plan to have a birthday party for dh every single year.  This year, it will be a family get together and everyone is to bring a side dish or appetizer.  All the meal planing shouldnot be on your shoulders.

And I would let dh know in no uncertain terms that there is no major projects happening that week or the day of the party.
He will be helping you get read for the party, prepare food, set things up etc., so that sides and main meal can be served at the same time.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #19 on: April 13, 2013, 10:18:11 PM »
Can you confide in your SILs, etc.?

And tell DH that the party will be on X date, when it's really on X+1 week.

Start fake-bustling around starting two days before; moan about how the house looks kinda crummy, and it sure would be nice to have finished the guest bathroom before having all those people in the house.


Get your MIL, BILs, etc., to call up and say, "We thought we'd bring potato salad!" And then he'll start the guest bathroom. You can nag him to finish before everyone gets there.

Then when he's done, say, "Let's just do this next week. I'll call everyone. I love that the bathroom's done, though!" big smooch, big reward from you.

Have the party the weekend after? Maybe he'll be too project'd out to start a new one, and you'll have the guest bathroom done.

Luci

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #20 on: April 13, 2013, 10:51:26 PM »
Can you confide in your SILs, etc.?

And tell DH that the party will be on X date, when it's really on X+1 week.

Start fake-bustling around starting two days before; moan about how the house looks kinda crummy, and it sure would be nice to have finished the guest bathroom before having all those people in the house.


Get your MIL, BILs, etc., to call up and say, "We thought we'd bring potato salad!" And then he'll start the guest bathroom. You can nag him to finish before everyone gets there.

Then when he's done, say, "Let's just do this next week. I'll call everyone. I love that the bathroom's done, though!" big smooch, big reward from you.

Have the party the weekend after? Maybe he'll be too project'd out to start a new one, and you'll have the guest bathroom done.

This I have to disagree with.

Would someone really be that devious and dishonest to a spouse? I've only heard of that on situation comedies, and it always ends badly, of course.  :)

Marbles

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #21 on: April 14, 2013, 02:44:21 AM »
Just because they love their lobster, doesn't mean that's what you have to serve. If there's another lower cost, lower-stress meal for you to cook, do that sometimes. Don't let the precedent be that your DH's birthday is always seafoodapalooza.

And, if you don't want to host, I'd be honest to your SIL: we have the whole floor torn out right now, and I'm not sure it'll be done by August. I don't want to have to worry about hosting with it partially done at DH's birthday, so we're not throwing the party here. Then, offer an alternative. Maybe you can meet up at a restaurant, instead. Perhaps some of your in-laws would be willing to host.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #22 on: April 14, 2013, 09:18:11 AM »
I think you have two separate issues here: pushy extended family and your husband's scheduling problem. I think you need to work on the scheduling issue first then tackle the family. The Lobster situation was rude, but your stress might just be the result of your husband's antics then his families.

I think this is it in a nutshell. Dh's house projects stress me out and now I feel pushed to commit to something I'm not yet sure I want to do this year.

I am grateful that we all get long fairly well. The in laws are not looking for a free meal - they want to see their brother and celebrate his birthday -and bring delicious cake. They have invited us to their homes but dh won't eat at their homes due to them allowing their cats up on he kitchen counters. (Which could probably be a whole other topic). We have met them and joined them at restaurants. 

Dh is not going to change. I can accept that. And someday the house will be "finished enough" so there will be less need for last minute projects, though I'm pretty sure there will always be something. It's just his nature. I'm just hoping it will be something that is not a hassle for me, like cleaning the basement or sprucing up the yard.

My biggest issue is that I'm not  sure that I really want to make the effort every single year, especially this year as he's replacing the flooring for the whole first floor which has an open floor plan. It's going to be one big construction area.  I've been living around his unfinished projects and have had close friends and family come for dinner but I can't entertain if everything is in chaos.

I simply cannot commit to anything at this time. I was hoping that SIL would catch that when I said its too early for us to say when or if we would have a party this year. At this time, it doesn't matter when she is available because I just don't know.

Rubycat, I think saying it was too early to decide implies there is a good chance of a party. I really think you should just say that there want be one this year. If asked why just say too much house construction if you want. If later in the summer, you change your mind, you can then invite people.

My family is planners and anything that occurs 2 years in a row starts being assumed to be an annual event.. I think SIL is not trying to pressure you so much as get her schedule planned and is placing a high priority on your party.


Sophia

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #23 on: April 14, 2013, 09:31:10 AM »
If you probably aren't going to have it, then I think you need tell people that you probably aren't going to have it. 

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #24 on: April 14, 2013, 12:13:16 PM »
My family is planners and anything that occurs 2 years in a row starts being assumed to be an annual event.. I think SIL is not trying to pressure you so much as get her schedule planned and is placing a high priority on your party.

I think I was a little bit unclear. It hasn't been two years in a row. We first celebrated dh's milestone birthday, skipped a year and had it again last year. I'm not ready to say that we aren't going to do it, but if we do have it, I'm not in a position right now pick a date. I'm not ready to commit to anything 4 months in advance.

SPuck

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #25 on: April 14, 2013, 12:19:34 PM »
I'm not ready to commit to anything 4 months in advance.

Just give them this line then or replace "I'm not ready" with "I am unable...".

Roe

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #26 on: April 14, 2013, 12:25:44 PM »
I would be annoyed if someone gave me THEIR schedule for MY party.  In other words, it would feel like I could only plan a party on the dates they sent me. 

So I'd respond with "I'm going to schedule it when it works for my schedule. I promise to let you know as soon as that happens. (if it happens, not sure about that right now either)"

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #27 on: April 14, 2013, 02:19:55 PM »
I would be annoyed if someone gave me THEIR schedule for MY party.  In other words, it would feel like I could only plan a party on the dates they sent me. 

So I'd respond with "I'm going to schedule it when it works for my schedule. I promise to let you know as soon as that happens. (if it happens, not sure about that right now either)"

I think you're right on the money and its why I'm feeling irritated. Last year, SIL 1 and SIL 2 were kind of tag teaming me to get me to change the time and date at the last minute. I had consulted with them before choosing that date. It wasn't the most convenient date for me but I wanted to accommodate them, then they wanted me to change it.  Never mind that other family members had committed to the original date. I have a feeling that there is bit of this tag team dynamic going on behind the scenes again this year. #1 - trying to get us to commit to a party & #2 trying to pressure us to choose their date  ::)

I think I may respond with something like "Don't know if we'll even do  clambake this year. It depends on where dh is with the house projects. It's over 4 months to dh's birthday. If we decide to go ahead with it, I'll let you know." 

Twik

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #28 on: April 14, 2013, 03:16:58 PM »
The real problem with these parties, as I see it, isn't the in-laws. It's your DH that is making them stressful. He starts big projects in the house just before the party. He's working in the kitchen while you are trying to cook. He doesn't communicate with you about when his part of the food is ready, so that you can get the other food out on time.

I think this is the core of the matter. DH is, for some reason, sabotaging his own party. If you can figure out what is going on in his head, you'll be able to solve the problem, but until then, he'll find *something* to do that will drive you up the wall.

Perhaps, if pressed, he can explain. Does he feel ashamed in front of his family that he isn't more a handyman, so he has to be "seen in action" when they arrive? Does he have some deep reason why he would prefer NOT to have a party, and is trying to make the whole thing go away? There's some key to this, but he may not consciously know what it is unless he stops to think about it.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #29 on: April 14, 2013, 03:25:36 PM »
Can you confide in your SILs, etc.?

And tell DH that the party will be on X date, when it's really on X+1 week.

Start fake-bustling around starting two days before; moan about how the house looks kinda crummy, and it sure would be nice to have finished the guest bathroom before having all those people in the house.


Get your MIL, BILs, etc., to call up and say, "We thought we'd bring potato salad!" And then he'll start the guest bathroom. You can nag him to finish before everyone gets there.

Then when he's done, say, "Let's just do this next week. I'll call everyone. I love that the bathroom's done, though!" big smooch, big reward from you.

Have the party the weekend after? Maybe he'll be too project'd out to start a new one, and you'll have the guest bathroom done.

This I have to disagree with.

Would someone really be that devious and dishonest to a spouse? I've only heard of that on situation comedies, and it always ends badly, of course.  :)

I'm sorry--I did mean this as a joke. I completely didn't make that clear.

But it does sound like DH deals with his "hosting anxiety" by starting projects on the day-of.

I wouldn't go for "he'll never change," though. I'd be making sure I made a huge attempt to GET him to recognize what he is doing to me.

Yes, *IS* he sabotaging the party?

Maybe he needs to be more in charge of the cooking, so he can burn off the adrenaline with something that HELPS.