Author Topic: Am I doing okay here?  (Read 5775 times)

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TootsNYC

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #30 on: April 14, 2013, 03:27:55 PM »
Some random agreements:


Just because they love their lobster, doesn't mean that's what you have to serve. If there's another lower cost, lower-stress meal for you to cook, do that sometimes. Don't let the precedent be that your DH's birthday is always seafoodapalooza.

And, if you don't want to host, I'd be honest to your SIL: we have the whole floor torn out right now, and I'm not sure it'll be done by August. I don't want to have to worry about hosting with it partially done at DH's birthday, so we're not throwing the party here. Then, offer an alternative. Maybe you can meet up at a restaurant, instead. Perhaps some of your in-laws would be willing to host.

I would be annoyed if someone gave me THEIR schedule for MY party.  In other words, it would feel like I could only plan a party on the dates they sent me. 

So I'd respond with "I'm going to schedule it when it works for my schedule. I promise to let you know as soon as that happens. (if it happens, not sure about that right now either)"

I'd also be annoyed with the idea that they've apparently decided I *am* going to throw the party.

I think I'd just not do any party at all this year, just to make that point. That this is not now some big family tradition that other people get to plan around, feel invested in, etc. (the way Easter and Thanksgiving can be).

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #31 on: April 14, 2013, 04:05:42 PM »
Can you confide in your SILs, etc.?

And tell DH that the party will be on X date, when it's really on X+1 week.

Start fake-bustling around starting two days before; moan about how the house looks kinda crummy, and it sure would be nice to have finished the guest bathroom before having all those people in the house.


Get your MIL, BILs, etc., to call up and say, "We thought we'd bring potato salad!" And then he'll start the guest bathroom. You can nag him to finish before everyone gets there.

Then when he's done, say, "Let's just do this next week. I'll call everyone. I love that the bathroom's done, though!" big smooch, big reward from you.

Have the party the weekend after? Maybe he'll be too project'd out to start a new one, and you'll have the guest bathroom done.

This I have to disagree with.

Would someone really be that devious and dishonest to a spouse? I've only heard of that on situation comedies, and it always ends badly, of course.  :)

I'm sorry--I did mean this as a joke. I completely didn't make that clear.

But it does sound like DH deals with his "hosting anxiety" by starting projects on the day-of.

I wouldn't go for "he'll never change," though. I'd be making sure I made a huge attempt to GET him to recognize what he is doing to me.

Yes, *IS* he sabotaging the party?

Maybe he needs to be more in charge of the cooking, so he can burn off the adrenaline with something that HELPS.

I meant to mention it before but I totally took it as a joke. It's fun to think about and made me chuckle.

And no, I honestly don't think he's trying to sabotage his own party. He's just very last minute about a lot of things. And like many of us, underestimates how long any project will take. And doesn't seem to mind running up to the last possible moment of a deadline. As far as I am concerned, I can live with it most of the time. You know that serenity prayer about what you can change and what you can't and learning the difference?  I know it would make some people crazy, and sometimes it does get on my nerves, but this is how it is and I've learned to just shake my head and roll with it.

I'm glad that you mentioned the option of not having a party this year because it has crossed my mind. I was starting to feel like I might be petty and biting off my nose to spite my face. And even though dh enjoys having the family down, I'm not sure he'd mind skipping a year. If he does, then we can do a simpler version. And he will stay out of my kitchen  >:D. But I'm not able or willing to make any firm decision at this time nor will I allow myself to be pushed into it.

Luci

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #32 on: April 14, 2013, 04:17:53 PM »
Can you confide in your SILs, etc.?

And tell DH that the party will be on X date, when it's really on X+1 week.


This I have to disagree with.

Would someone really be that devious and dishonest to a spouse? I've only heard of that on situation comedies, and it always ends badly, of course.  :)

I'm sorry--I did mean this as a joke. I completely didn't make that clear.


I meant to mention it before but I totally took it as a joke. It's fun to think about and made me chuckle.


Oh, thank goodness! My faith in the Board is restored! I'm glad I asked. Thanks for answering.

AmethystAnne

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #33 on: April 14, 2013, 04:18:46 PM »
OP, why not kidnap your DH for his birthday this year? Spend the money (you'd allocate on the family clambake) on a get-away with just you and your DH.

No consultation with other family members needed, because they are not invited.  >:D

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #34 on: April 14, 2013, 04:27:11 PM »
Oooooooooh. I like this!  I definitely have to look into this. This could work!

Roe

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #35 on: April 14, 2013, 08:11:15 PM »
I would definitely skip the party this year.  It sets a bad precedent to continue it at this point.  Maybe in another year (or two), I would try it again but right now, everyone is taking too much ownership over YOUR party.  That's just not right. 

I like the idea of taking your DH on a romantic weekend getaway instead.  No stress and you don't have to deal with controlling SIL's...win/win!  :)

AmethystAnne

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #36 on: April 14, 2013, 08:34:18 PM »
OP, whatever you decide to do, I hope you and your DH have a stress-free, fun time together, with no one else trying to hijack it.

Danika

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #37 on: April 14, 2013, 09:22:10 PM »
The whole point of a party is to have fun. If you're working like mad, stressed and resentful because of all of the circumstances, then you're not having fun.

I can understand the SILs wanting to make sure that they are able to attend, so they want the date. But based on what you said about the past where you accommodated their schedules and then they wanted to change the date after that, I absolutely would not accommodate their schedules again. If/when I had the party again, I would tell them the date as soon as I knew it, so that they could put it on their calendars, but I absolutely would not accommodate their schedules because of what they've done in the past.

Even with that, though, if your DH is stressing you out instead of helping you with the party, I would not throw such a party unless I were truly enjoying every aspect of it. You're not having the party for everyone else's benefit at the expense of your own. You're throwing a party to have a good time. If you're not looking forward to it, don't do it.

And I like the wording that you came up with in all of the posts, but the fine tuned wording in the more recent posts is best.

TootsNYC

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #38 on: April 14, 2013, 09:26:35 PM »
A few years back, for dh's milestone birthday, we celebrated by inviting his family to a clambake at our house. It was a lot of work and expensive but a nice time was had by all. We had wanted to do it the following year but it never came about. Last year oldest sister kind of hounded us (when are you going to have it? Ect. Even offered to chip in $). We did go ahead and have a clambake that year but did not ask for any contributions, not that it really matters.



I vote not having a party, especially since the first one was for a MILESTONE birthday. You had the clambake because it was a biggie.

sammycat

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #39 on: April 14, 2013, 09:37:05 PM »
I don't think you need to make a decision now as to whether or not you have a party this year, simply because the ILs are demanding a date/answer.

I'd just text back with 'hi, haven't decided yet as to whether we're having a party, but if we do we'll you know the date ASAP'.

Winterlight

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #40 on: April 15, 2013, 10:04:55 AM »
I think if the idea of having this party makes you feel stressed four months out, it's a good idea to bag it.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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Roe

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Re: Am I doing okay here?
« Reply #41 on: April 15, 2013, 11:38:07 AM »
The reason I vote for canceling the party is that it might become a "tradition" and something most people expect to happen every year.  That sounds like it is too much stress for it to be an annual event.

RubyCat

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Re: Am I doing okay here? - Update
« Reply #42 on: September 29, 2013, 10:05:21 PM »
I wanted to post an update on our birthday party/clambake. Dh decided to not have a birthday party but to have a clambake in September, after everyone's schedules settled. Plus, we only committed after a major project had already been completed. It went much better this time

First we invited some extended family and this changed the dynamic a bit, but in a good way.

I did absolutely no cooking. Dh bough all the sides like potato salad. I was disappointed, because I like my own better, but I didn't care when almost nobody ate it.

Of course there were a few last minute projects the morning of the party, including installing a new toilet and assembling some chairs, among other things.   Teenage nephew and his girlfriend showed up an hour early  ::) so we put them to work  ;D. Actually, he did such a good job that if we do this again next year, we may ask him to come early to help.

When I got overwhelmed, family members offered to help and I was able to step back and think about what they could do. I really appreciated the help. Dh told me one family member got grabby with the lobster, insisting that she get to choose hers first. He let her.  Karma struck though when the lobster she pulled from the box was missing a claw. She tried to put it back and pick another but he told her no, she was greedy and had to pick first and now she had to take what she picked. Yea dh!

It was still a lot of work but I enjoyed it much more next time. It was nice to see everyone and I'm actually looking forward to doing next year.

Thank you all, for your suggestions. They helped so much and I was able to enjoy myself this time