Author Topic: Lukewarm about best friends bf...  (Read 5395 times)

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MissKoreanna

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Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« on: April 14, 2013, 12:40:01 PM »
Hello all!!

I have a question and hopefully you can point me in the direction that is best for the situation.

Quick background: My best friend (a little over a year ago) broke up with her ex, someone that they had thought they would get married to. It was a very long and painful split. It came out after the fac that he was bisexual (relevant). She previously has been in long term relationships with men who have either fully come out or have admitted they are bisexual. I'm talking like 95% of guys in her past dating history.

She has just very recently started dating new guy (NG) and I met him for the first time last night. I know she's going to want to talk to me about my opinion on him, as I tend to have a very accurate sense of a persons character and read on situations in general. Thing is, I wasn't crazy about him. He was nice enough, but I got an uneasy feeling. (Note, this feeling has nothing to do with her physical safety). I have a feeling there is a strong possibility he may be at the very least, bisexual. Which doesn't bother me, but if he comes out in any way she's going to be devestated, given that in previous relationships this has been a factor of previous ex's splits from her.

My question is, given her past experiences, is this a concern I should voice?  I am REALLY hoping I'm wrong here.

 I will also say I kind of found the guy a little pretentious and that's a trait I find very off putting.  I have a harder time being around people I find pretentious and I know she wants us (DH and I, NG and her) to be a power couple and hang out all the time. She is kind of impressionable with others opinions so I'm nervous that if I say I don't find him to be the BestThingEver it'll make her back off of him-which, since she's happy thus far, I don't want to sway that.

I want to say that yes, he treats her well, pays for things when they go out and gives thoughtful gifts and listens to her and is very much a complete 180 financialy from her ex. I do like these qualities about him because she deserves to be treated well. I don't want my personal opinion to mess with her happiness. Should I just lie and say I think he's great?  Or be more non committal?  Just focus on the two things I like ( nice enough, treats her well ) and leave it at that? 

This is not a convo I can get out of. She is too dear a friend and while he was in the bathroom she was already asking DH and I opinion last night. She's going to want to have this talk within the next couple of days.

Zilla

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2013, 12:43:38 PM »
I would be blunt and just tell her based on her past history, it might be prudent for her to be upfront with her feelings on bisexuality with him.  And point blank ask him as this is a deal breaker for her.
 
If she asks outright if you sense anything, I would be truthful.

MrTango

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2013, 01:03:40 PM »
I'd put together a list of positives and negatives about your impression of him, and I'd even go so far as to write them down.

That way, when she asks you for your opinion, you can tell her that you have several thoughts and go through them with her.

gramma dishes

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2013, 02:02:43 PM »
I don't think it's at all unusual for someone to unknowingly date a person who is bisexual (or even gay for that matter) -- once.

But since this seems to be a startlingly recurring theme in her life, I wonder what it is that seems to direct her to these particular specific men?  Or for that matter, what is it about her that attracts them?

guihong

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2013, 02:18:09 PM »
I don't think it's at all unusual for someone to unknowingly date a person who is bisexual (or even gay for that matter) -- once.

But since this seems to be a startlingly recurring theme in her life, I wonder what it is that seems to direct her to these particular specific men?  Or for that matter, what is it about her that attracts them?

I do know that some women choose men perhaps unconsciously who won't want to play scrabble with them, as a way of avoiding getting out the tiles or being intimate for whatever reasons. 



Minmom3

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2013, 04:32:39 PM »
I would be blunt and just tell her based on her past history, it might be prudent for her to be upfront with her feelings on bisexuality with him.  And point blank ask him as this is a deal breaker for her.
 
If she asks outright if you sense anything, I would be truthful.

I like the way you word that.  Yes, she should go straight to the source and ask him!  And, to ride the fence line nicely, just because he might BE bi, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on her.  Attraction to both sexes doesn't mean he doesn't know how to have a monogamous relationship.  Maybe she also needs to examine her head to determine if the fact of somebody being bisexual is enough to end it, or if it's the monogamy that's actually more important to her.
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Moray

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2013, 06:12:38 PM »
I would be blunt and just tell her based on her past history, it might be prudent for her to be upfront with her feelings on bisexuality with him.  And point blank ask him as this is a deal breaker for her.
 
If she asks outright if you sense anything, I would be truthful.

I like the way you word that.  Yes, she should go straight to the source and ask him!  And, to ride the fence line nicely, just because he might BE bi, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on her.  Attraction to both sexes doesn't mean he doesn't know how to have a monogamous relationship.  Maybe she also needs to examine her head to determine if the fact of somebody being bisexual is enough to end it, or if it's the monogamy that's actually more important to her.

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MissKoreanna

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #7 on: April 14, 2013, 06:54:27 PM »
It's not a fear of him cheating on her - it's the fear he for whatever reason after being with her and professing love and long term plans he turns around and suddenly realizes he wants or needs to experiment with men.  Which i know they have been discussing some long term things especially as of late. Honestly,  if she inadvertently found hidden stashes of male p*** she would be upset and unsettled enough to question his loyalty.

As he is deeply religious, if my suspicions are correct, I doubt he would ever come out but the second situation would be enough of a deal breaker for her that I thought I would ask.

The poster that suggested writing down apros and cons list- thank you. It's a great idea. Thus far I've only got the two things I've listed on the pros list-neither I nor my husband were that crazy about him. He didn't have a huge appealing personality, he kept being overly handsy with her, and there was something about his attitude that was kind of "off" but I can't verbalize exactly what it was. We are meeting up with them later this afternoon so I will go in with an open mind and hopefully it was just nerves on his part that was sending up these weird feelings.  I want her to be happy so hopefully this goes better today!!

MissKoreanna

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #8 on: April 14, 2013, 07:05:54 PM »
To the poster that wondered about why she seems to have been attracted to g** or bi men in the past I believe it is because they tend to be much more emotionally open and talk with her at length about common interests. She likes suuuuuuuuuper open communication/talking which straight guys will do, but in my experience they hit a point where they are like "okay I'm done talking in circles"

TurtleDove

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #9 on: April 14, 2013, 09:40:30 PM »
I would keep the orientation issues out of it and say something like, "NG seems really great for reasons A, B, and C, but I didn't really understand why he D and E.  What did you think about D and E?"  I wouldn't lie to her that "he's the greatest!!!" but I also would be honest that you have some reservations....but let her draw those conclusions by opening a conversation about it as opposed to saying, "NG did D and E - I don't like him."

Calypso

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #10 on: April 14, 2013, 11:06:28 PM »
You can tell her the truth---you've barely had a chance to get to know him! Some of the things you described about his behavior sounded very much to me like a guy who's super-nervous about making a good impression. I wouldn't say anything negative about him until I had enough time to be sure I'd seen the real, relaxed version of him.

If she presses you for an opinion, you can say something like "he seemed kind of nervous with us....I hope he'll feel more comfortable when we've had a chance to get to know him better."

gramma dishes

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #11 on: April 15, 2013, 09:30:15 AM »
You can tell her the truth---you've barely had a chance to get to know him! Some of the things you described about his behavior sounded very much to me like a guy who's super-nervous about making a good impression. I wouldn't say anything negative about him until I had enough time to be sure I'd seen the real, relaxed version of him.

If she presses you for an opinion, you can say something like "he seemed kind of nervous with us....I hope he'll feel more comfortable when we've had a chance to get to know him better."

I think right now this would be the wisest approach.  Calypso has phrased it perfectly.

After you've had a chance to get to know him a little better, if she asks, then you can pull out some of the other good suggestions other posters have made.

bah12

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2013, 10:59:26 AM »
I think you should tell her the good things you noticed about him and also say that you would like to get to know him better before you make any final judgements. 

That being said, if you know for a fact that bisexuality is something that is a deal breaker for her, then encourage her to get that (and any other deal breakers that she may have) out in the open fairly soon in the relationship.  I think this is just good advice to give her regardless of your opinions of him.  Not to say that everyone is honest about their qualities, etc when confronted with potential deal breakers, but it would be good for your friend to be honest about them so that she knows she was clear if this ever does become an issue in the future. 

DavidH

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #13 on: April 16, 2013, 06:29:03 PM »
I think you could say that she seems very happy with him (if she does) and that you think he's seems nice and seems to treat her well.  If she presses you, one option is to say that you don't think that you and DH fully clicked with him last time you met, but maybe he was just nervous and that you think it may just take a bit of time to get as comfortable around new people.

I can't quite imagine saying you think he's bisexual or gay unless you have a strong reason to think so, particularly in light of her past relationships at this point.  You could instead offer more general advice, like it's important to talk about deal breakers early on to avoid unpleasantness in the future.  If the issue is whether or not he is bisexual she'll have to bring it up at some point, but if the real issue is around having a monogamous relationship, then I think she'd do better to stick to that.

nuit93

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Re: Lukewarm about best friends bf...
« Reply #14 on: April 16, 2013, 06:39:01 PM »
I would be blunt and just tell her based on her past history, it might be prudent for her to be upfront with her feelings on bisexuality with him.  And point blank ask him as this is a deal breaker for her.
 
If she asks outright if you sense anything, I would be truthful.

I like the way you word that.  Yes, she should go straight to the source and ask him!  And, to ride the fence line nicely, just because he might BE bi, doesn't mean he's going to cheat on her.  Attraction to both sexes doesn't mean he doesn't know how to have a monogamous relationship.  Maybe she also needs to examine her head to determine if the fact of somebody being bisexual is enough to end it, or if it's the monogamy that's actually more important to her.

THIS.  I've heard the assumption that being bi means one is incapable of being monogamous, and it's annoying.

Maybe she knows and doesn't mind?  I know there can be a stigma attached to being bi, especially for males.  I've dated bi men, the only thing that really comes to mind as a concern is that if they're playing scrabble, she won't be allowed to donate blood (at least not in the U.S., I don't know how other countries handle that).