Author Topic: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31  (Read 7110 times)

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cheyne

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked
« Reply #30 on: April 18, 2013, 04:42:27 PM »
POD to lilfox.  100%. 
I am also going to say something that may be politically incorrect, but it is based on my own observations in the work world. If you are sensitive about gender politics, please mentally add the phrase "in my experience" to everything I say below, and don't accuse me of making offensive generalizations.  This is what I have seen.

The "rudeness level" of your comments depends on whether you were talking to a man or a woman.  A lot of women would probably be unduly shocked by what you said, and it would be overkill.  Women also tend to over-explain, over-apologize, and seek permission to voice their needs and requirements in the workplace, and put pressure on other women to behave the same way.  Women tend to use words like "I'm afraid" and "I'm sorry" when they are not necessary, and to behave like subordinates toward their peers.

Men tend to push for what they want and ignore subtle or deflective hints.  You have to whack them over the head with a rolled-up newspaper to get their attention to the big picture.  When women talk like men at work (and I don't mean crude language, I mean direct and without circumlocution), they get accused of being rude, Female Dog, etc.

Unless you were using a "hey, stupid", type tone what you said was not rude.  You were also not apologetic, deferential and submissive.  There is no reason you should be, unless that is necessary to your role in the heirarchy or helps you function in your workplace.

Thank you!  This explains many of the differences of opinion on all topics on this board.  I too work with about 95% men and the OP's two conversations would not be rude or really even considered "blunt".

I do not think the OP was rude in either circumstance, especially since she had tried to "soft sell" before going blunt.  If there is a time and place for bluntness, it is definitely at work. 

HelenB

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2013, 01:37:21 PM »
Update:  the doctor's office called and the growth is benign! I knew intellectually that that was almost certainly going to be the case, but hadn't realized how much worry the emotional side was carrying.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2013, 01:44:22 PM »
Yay!
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

Firecat

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2013, 02:37:35 PM »
So glad for you!

cicero

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2013, 02:39:48 PM »
yay! so happy to hear!

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EllenS

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2013, 02:54:57 PM »
Great update, thanks!

MyFamily

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #36 on: April 19, 2013, 03:49:22 PM »
I'm so happy to hear your news!


"The test of good manners is to be patient with bad ones" - Solomon ibn Gabirol

Marguette

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #37 on: April 19, 2013, 07:40:18 PM »
Glad to hear the good news.

I think the “don’t JADE” applies to situations when people are going to counter every justification, argument, defense or explanation you offer them with “But you could…” and then you offer another J, A, D, or E, and then they are again “But… ” and so on forever.

I don’t believe that it means you must never explain yourself and you must stick to, in effect “Because I said so and I’m not telling you why.” It is reasonable to give some explanation (once) to people whom you owe an explanation to (at work, say), or who want to know because they care about you (friends and family).

*inviteseller

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #38 on: April 20, 2013, 12:41:20 AM »
(((((((((Hugs))))))))  So glad the tests came back with a great result .  I tend to be blunt with people who do not take 'That won't be possible" for an answer too, so I sympathize. Also, in the working world, sometimes that answer is not acceptable because it has to deal with the workings of a group that rely on each other.   The first instance you may have strayed into a TMI situation, but again, sounds like he would not listen.  I agree with the others and just said I have a previously scheduled appointment that cannot be changed, we will discuss the meeting when I return.  Last minute things that become a NOWNOWNOW because someone did not plan is annoying.  For the second one, co worker was obviously out for blood on whomever made the mistake and asked if they would be retrained.  That you had to explain why not isn't blunt, it is truth.

NyaChan

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #39 on: April 20, 2013, 01:38:04 AM »
I think bluntness is not per se bad, but it does cross into rude if it is used in order to make someone feel discomfited.

VorFemme

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #40 on: April 20, 2013, 03:02:09 PM »
Either a man or a woman should be able to understand "I am scheduled for some medical tests that need to be done sooner rather than later - I can not reschedule this close to the appointment."

Doesn't matter if it a male part, a female part, cancer, infection, heart, or whatever - it is not going to be rescheduled AND you have to be there for them to do the tests.  You can't "phone it in"!

The deceased worker - rephrasing the comment as "they are no longer working for our company" could be escalated to "they passed away".  Although I have run into a few people who only understand "dead" as meaning "dead" - any synonyms with less impact don't get processed, it seems.....

And my own VorGuy needs to be hit with a big verbal blunt object, because trying to be "politely vague" is seen as obfuscation, prevarication, or just plain lying (because it took him into his late fifties to look up the real meaning of the first two words). 

I now know not to tell him "just a minute" as I head down the hall to the bathroom (changing table with a baby, closet with an armload of clean clothes, standing at the stove with a skillet in one hand & a spatula in the other, whatever is going on that he can't see what I'm doing because there is a wall or two between us) if what I really mean is "YOUR needs are taking a back seat to what I am already doing because my hands are FULL right now".

Sadly, it too me until 2012 to figure out some of this out.......boy, do I feel dumb.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Shortylicious

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Re: I know I didn't need to tell them, but it worked - Good update #31
« Reply #41 on: April 21, 2013, 10:13:11 AM »
Great news on the results! What a relief.
I'd caution you in the future to not give out such specific information about your health at work. VorFemme's wording was vague yet specific enough to get the message across. Following good etiquette does not mean you have to forfeit personal and private information.