Author Topic: How do you converse?  (Read 7674 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

*inviteseller

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1821
  • I am Queen Mommy
Re: How do you converse?
« Reply #75 on: April 23, 2013, 11:23:54 PM »
Wife: I wish you wouldn't interrupt me when we are talking at dinner, I feel hurt and ignored when you do that.  I also feel upset that you are modelling this
Husband: Oh, everybody talks like that.
Wife: ...I also feel upset that you are modelling this...
Husband: you just need to relax
Wife: ...that you are modelling this for our chil...
Husband: I wouldn't interrupt you anyway, except that you take too long to tell stories and they are always boring.
Wife: Oh, forget it. 
Husband: Geez, you're touchy, too!

"useful" lessons in communication are not always good for the relationship.

This would drive me insane (what the wife is doing, I mean).  I would be surprised to find such different conversation styles as a married couple - how would they have gotten so far when they cannot communicate?  For me, I am a talkative and animated person, as is my BF.  I would say we both interrupt each other, but we also know when not to, if that makes sense.  I don't think either of us is rude at all.  The conversation flows naturally.  To me, people who claim they are "interrupted" generally have a different vision of what a natural conversation flow should look like.

I am reminded of being in court arguing motions.  It is not at all uncommon for a judge to interrupt a lawyer (who has prepared what she wants to convery very well) with, essentially, "yeah, yeah, I know all that, what about X?"  Not rude, just how it is.

See, whereas here I just see an extremely rude and uncaring husband. I wouldn't deal with it the way that the wife in this example did, but she was making a point, talking about something that she feels *hurt and ignored* by and he couldn't let her finish her second sentence? Because she didn't express her emotions about a serious marriage issue (communication) as a trial lawyer might? This is not a boring and unimportant story about the British Prime Minister or a woman at work with hockey tickets, this is plainly and from the offset a serious point about how his wife is feeling about an issue.

POD. If you aren't interested in what I was about to say about the British Prime Minister, or the hockey tickets, fine, go converse with someone that interests you (and I'll give the hockey tickets to someone else), but if we are trying to resolve a relationship difficulty, can't you just  hear me out? (General you). How can we get to the bottom of this if all you do is cut me off about how I just need to relax, and that I'm just so boring so any problem between us is entirely my fault?

I've had this kind of communication issue with my mother all my life. I'm not allowed to spit out a complete thought, and she jumps in with a defense against what she THINKS I'm going to say, rather than what I'm actually planning to say.
I agree.  It is rude to discount a person's conversation because they can't wrap up a thought in 5 words or less, and interrupting a person for any other reason than there is a shark behind them is rude, to me.  If that was my husband in the example, I would just quit talking.  If I was interrupted every time I attempted to speak to basically be told what I had to say was boring or not worth listening to, then I have nothing to say at all.   My family does this to me ( I think because I am the youngest by a chunk of years and no one sees me as able to sit at the adult table yet) and it leaves me hurt and frustrated.  Yes, there are some people that just go off on tangents, but there is polite ways to bring them back to topic without eye rolling, sighing, or interrupting.  While you (general) may not like the story I am telling, it is polite to listen to it without making me feel like the village idiot.

TurtleDove

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6284
Re: How do you converse?
« Reply #76 on: April 24, 2013, 07:52:01 AM »
I think I have been misunderstood. My point is not that everyone should converse like a trial lawyer or how my BF and I converse. My point was that it would surprise me that the wife in the example would choose to be married to someone like the husband when their styles of conversing are so different. The wife in the example was crushed by her husband's comments and shut down. In contrast, I would have said my piece with no fear in response to the husband's comments (and while I would not have acted how the husband did, it would irritate me that my spouse was not able to stand up for herself if she felt wronged, but would instead just shut down.) Neither of us is right, neither is wrong, I just don't think the husband and wife in the example are a good match.

Venus193

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 16053
  • Backstage passes are wonderful things!
Re: How do you converse?
« Reply #77 on: April 24, 2013, 07:59:41 AM »
Quote
It is rude to discount a person's conversation because they can't wrap up a thought in 5 words or less, and interrupting a person for any other reason than there is a shark behind them is rude, to me.  If that was my husband in the example, I would just quit talking.  If I was interrupted every time I attempted to speak to basically be told what I had to say was boring or not worth listening to, then I have nothing to say at all.   My family does this to me ( I think because I am the youngest by a chunk of years and no one sees me as able to sit at the adult table yet) and it leaves me hurt and frustrated.  Yes, there are some people that just go off on tangents, but there is polite ways to bring them back to topic without eye rolling, sighing, or interrupting.  While you (general) may not like the story I am telling, it is polite to listen to it without making me feel like the village idiot.

Do you really want to stop talking?  If so, fine.  However, sometimes that is the objective of the interrupter.

Rather than permit anyone in the family situation to make me feel small and insignificant I would just take my leave.

Tangent Warning:  This may be a category of its own.

Once at Brunnhilde's place two old friends of hers with whom she had reconnected on Facebook were over and after a couple of hours every time I said something they would interrupt with double entendres that short-circuited the rest of what I was trying to say.  At the fifth incident (she was in the kitchen during the first two) she called them out on it by saying "Alright, guys, cut that out."  Had she not done this I would have excused myself and gotten my coat.

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5537
Re: How do you converse?
« Reply #78 on: April 24, 2013, 01:10:05 PM »
Wife: I wish you wouldn't interrupt me when we are talking at dinner, I feel hurt and ignored when you do that.  I also feel upset that you are modelling this
Husband: Oh, everybody talks like that.
Wife: ...I also feel upset that you are modelling this...
Husband: you just need to relax
Wife: ...that you are modelling this for our chil...
Husband: I wouldn't interrupt you anyway, except that you take too long to tell stories and they are always boring.
Wife: Oh, forget it. 
Husband: Geez, you're touchy, too!

"useful" lessons in communication are not always good for the relationship.

This would drive me insane (what the wife is doing, I mean).  I would be surprised to find such different conversation styles as a married couple - how would they have gotten so far when they cannot communicate?  For me, I am a talkative and animated person, as is my BF.  I would say we both interrupt each other, but we also know when not to, if that makes sense.  I don't think either of us is rude at all.  The conversation flows naturally.  To me, people who claim they are "interrupted" generally have a different vision of what a natural conversation flow should look like.

I am reminded of being in court arguing motions.  It is not at all uncommon for a judge to interrupt a lawyer (who has prepared what she wants to convery very well) with, essentially, "yeah, yeah, I know all that, what about X?"  Not rude, just how it is.

See, whereas here I just see an extremely rude and uncaring husband. I wouldn't deal with it the way that the wife in this example did, but she was making a point, talking about something that she feels *hurt and ignored* by and he couldn't let her finish her second sentence? Because she didn't express her emotions about a serious marriage issue (communication) as a trial lawyer might? This is not a boring and unimportant story about the British Prime Minister or a woman at work with hockey tickets, this is plainly and from the offset a serious point about how his wife is feeling about an issue.

I agree with Iris. Okay, so they have different communication styles, and neither is right or wrong (and yes, sometimes I do wonder how people who are so different ended up together). But in this example the husband interrupts her dismissively, when she's just said that being interrupted dismissively makes her feel "hurt and ignored." If there's one time that he should restrain himself and let her speak fully, unnatural though it may be for him, it's now. It's like he's not even listening to what she's saying, or doesn't care at all that she feels hurt and ignored by something he does. To me that's the rude and insensitive part about the husband.
~Lynn2000