Author Topic: Take the temper tantrum outside?  (Read 5714 times)

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Thipu1

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2013, 02:47:34 PM »
We had this sort of thing in the family.  One child was the oldest of her group of cousins and would pull a full lie-on-the-floor, fist-thumping, heel-banging screeching to high heaven tantrum every time she wasn't the center of attention.

  Of course, because she was the oldest, all her younger  cousins did exactly what she did. She did this until she was at least ten.  She also made her younger cousins fight because she enjoyed playing World of Warcraft.   You can imagine how charming family gatherings were for a while. Dinner could look like a scene out of 'The Crucible'. 

She was diagnosed as being in the spectrum but, as soon as she got to Middle School, she figured out that this sort of behavior was not becoming to a young lady of her intellect and breeding.  The tantrums abruptly stopped. 

I understand that autistic children can have problems controlling emotions but this made such a quick turn around we had to doubt the original diagnosis.




 

 

EllenS

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2013, 02:50:26 PM »
Coralreef, I am glad your discipline style worked well with your kid's temperament on the first try.  That is not always the case. 

beezelbear

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2013, 03:39:38 PM »
Please don't suggest they take it outside - the neighbors don't appreciate it!  Our next door neighbors have a 4 year old son, and last summer (when he was 3) when he would throw his screaming fits they would drag him outside and tell him he could come back in when he stopped screaming.  He could scream for a very long time, and while it may have helped their sanity, it definitely ruined our enjoyment of our yard. 

Peregrine

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2013, 04:12:33 PM »
It could be that taking them outside would be giving the tantrum thrower what they want, and may be why aunt and uncle don't remove them.  I found out the hard way that when my kiddo was pitching fits was that he wanted outside or in the carseat (strange child that he was).  So I ended up between a rock and a hard place.  Remove him, and he was being rewarded....keep him there and deal with the tantrum in another way and he was ultimately better.

If Aunt and Uncle are otherwise addressing the tantrums in a meaningful way, and that's the impression that I got from the OP.  Then I would perhaps have an older family member drop a bug in their ears that they can take junior to the guest room if they like, but otherwise just drop it.

*inviteseller

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2013, 04:51:27 PM »
Remind me to thank my DD's for not being fit throwers.  Even though the older one has battled mental issues, I can remember only one public meltdown and I have to say I am to blame for that (she was tired and I was trying to get some shopping done instead of just going home).  I would tell them to remove the child to a quiet room.  I have been subjected to a former friends 2 DD's meltdowns all.the.time and it ruins the event or gathering and this was the reason I quit socializing with her.  If every blessed event is going to be a tantrum fest that holds all the other participants hostage, you (general) need to either remove your child or stop coming to events until they grow out of it. 

Coralreef

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2013, 04:52:44 PM »
Coralreef, I am glad your discipline style worked well with your kid's temperament on the first try.  That is not always the case.

I know I was lucky.  I rarely had to use any discipline more than once for any bad behaviour.  Either they really didn't like my "you're in trouble" look or my reaction was so out there from my normal behaviour that it shocked them enough to toe the line. 


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MommyPenguin

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2013, 04:59:33 PM »
Usually I send my screamers upstairs to their bedroom.  There aren't many toys (except maybe the bedtime stuffed animals that are in their beds), but the main idea is just that they need to go somewhere to calm down, and as soon as they're ready to be calm they are welcome to rejoin us.  It's never worked in a single time for us, but generally they get the idea, and after a few times, if you say, "Are you ready to calm down or do you need to go upstairs for a little while?" they will calm themselves on the spot.

MrsJWine

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2013, 06:17:17 PM »
My kids are allowed to "express themselves" however they want as long as they do it sitting on their bed where we can't hear them acting like crazed monkeys. If they throw a fit, they don't get any attention, other than for me to point down the hall, and they know what they have to do. It's a lot more peaceful around here, and I am able to deal with it much more rationally after everyone's calmed down. I think it's good practice for learning how to get along with friends and, later, coworkers: no one wants to be around you when you're like this, so take it somewhere else. If they did this at someone else's house, I would take them to a room away from everyone else and tell them to come back when they're calm.

I think that if you're having to put up with obnoxious behavior like this, you have the right to make the parents uncomfortable about it, too; you really don't have to just sit there and take it.


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sammycat

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2013, 07:30:56 PM »
Personally I think its pretty out of line no one has said "how about you move into another room [or outside]?" Who's ever house these events are taking place at has dropped a huge hosting ball on that.

Agreed. And I would be saying that if there were developmental issues. too.  There is no reason why everything has to stop so the kids can have a temper tantrum. If Aunt and Uncle don't like it - tough, no likes hearing these temper tantrums or having their days stopped over their lack of consideration or parenting.

It amazes me that no one has done this yet. The behavior is disruptive to the gathering, and should be removed. If the parents don't jump to it, it is perfectly fine for someone to politely suggest that it be moved to another area.

I agree that the host of the gathering would not be out of line to take the child outside or to another room, or politely ask the parents to do so. Tantrums past the toddler age are often attention seeking devices, and these children know that if they pitch a fit they'll have the attention of everybody at the gathering.  I have a sneaking suspicion that if they are removed so they don't get that kind of attention, the tantrums will stop or at least be reduced in frequency.

What all these posters said.  Frankly, I'd simply stop inviting them until they can control their children. If aunt and uncle ask why, I'd be blunt and tell them that large family gatherings seem to overwhelm the children so you wouldn't want to put them through that discomfort  (not to mention everyone else's discomfort).

If the children are under 7, does that mean the oldest one is 6?  If so, that's way too old to be carrying on like this IMO.

baglady

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2013, 08:07:40 PM »
We had this sort of thing in the family.  One child was the oldest of her group of cousins and would pull a full lie-on-the-floor, fist-thumping, heel-banging screeching to high heaven tantrum every time she wasn't the center of attention.

  Of course, because she was the oldest, all her younger  cousins did exactly what she did. She did this until she was at least ten.  She also made her younger cousins fight because she enjoyed playing World of Warcraft.   You can imagine how charming family gatherings were for a while. Dinner could look like a scene out of 'The Crucible'. 

She was diagnosed as being in the spectrum but, as soon as she got to Middle School, she figured out that this sort of behavior was not becoming to a young lady of her intellect and breeding.  The tantrums abruptly stopped. 

I understand that autistic children can have problems controlling emotions but this made such a quick turn around we had to doubt the original diagnosis.




 

 

I am on the spectrum and have had a lifelong problem controlling my emotions, but there is a difference between that and tantrums. I figured out at an early age that tantrums won't get me what I want, but I still have the occasional, totally involuntary meltdown when I'm anxious, frustrated or hurt. My point is just because your family member figured out tantrums weren't worth it doesn't mean she isn't still on the spectrum. You know what they say: When you've seen one person with autism/Asperger's, you've seen one person ... .

As far as the kids in the OP: I see no reason why the parents can't be told to remove Tantrum Tot, or, if family dynamics permit (when you've seen one family ... well, you know), why Grandma or Aunt Matilda or Cousin Jackie can't do the removing. It doesn't have to be "Get your screaming brat out of here!" PPs have suggested many gentle alternatives, like suggesting maybe TT needs a break.
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delabela

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #25 on: April 18, 2013, 08:48:38 PM »
Are Aunt and Uncle of the "poor child is expressing himself" school of thought?  In that case, they are not doing the kids a favour. 

If it is because they are embarassed to go to another room in someone else's house, the bathroom is a good place to go, even outside if necessary.  Removing the kid from the audience works pretty well, but it has to be a consistent reaction to the tantrums.  No exceptions.  Or the audience can move away.   

Personnal experience : when DD threw her one and only tantrum at the shopping center (of course) I told her I would be waiting at the bench over there (about 5 meters or so) and walked away.  Not even 10 seconds later, she got up, came to me and that was the end of it.  She never expected me to NOT BE THERE, so the confusion overrode the tantrum.

In all fairness, given their ages, they likely are expressing themselves, just not in a way that is acceptable in the middle of the party.  When my kids get antsy (although we don't have a lot of tantrums) I acknowledge what they are likely experiencing ("I hear that you are very frustrated you can't have more cake") while removing them from the situation.

I would find it perfectly acceptable for another person to suggest a quiet room where the kiddo in question can gather him or herself. 

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2013, 07:59:02 AM »
True.  Since it's been a good while since my older 2 were toddlers, I recently found myself looking up toddler tantrums to remind myself about them and yeah, it's mostly because they can't express themselves as we do and aren't really sure of what they're feeling or why because they don't yet understand frustration or have the words to better express themselves.
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bopper

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2013, 08:53:21 AM »
The toddlers tantrum because it seems to work for them.

If they are screaming, you could go up to them and say "Junior?  You can scream all you want, but you need to take it outside because it is too loud."  Just matter of fact. They can express their feelings, but not impinge on others.

alis

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #28 on: April 19, 2013, 09:16:22 AM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave. Of course, it depends on the age and the reason for this.

However, your family sick of it and annoyed. So yes, it is perfectly okay to ask them to move to another location to deal with this. I think Aunt should also consider the purpose of these tantrums and work around it accordingly - if she is, for example, missing naps etc. to be at this gathering, then such a meltdown is expected and I would try and re-arrange arrival times/leaving times.

I know it's important for parents to discipline their own children, but I also find that grandpa's booming voice works VERY well for my oldest. Another option I imagine.

EllenS

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2013, 10:42:25 AM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave.

I have a feeling this thinking may be why the parents aren't doing it already.  OP mentioned that they do "deal" with the tantrum, they just don't remove the kid.

Here's the problem with this reasoning: you don't want to be in the family party anymore, so you throw a fit.  I refuse to "reward" your fit, so I will "punish" you (and the rest of the family) by making you stay here and have your fit in public.  Short term=makes everyone else miserable.  Long term=being with family is a punishment. 

I much prefer, "you can't act nicely, so let's go somewhere quiet, and come back when you are calm."  Now you are training the child in a process for self-regulation- and having a pleasant time, with a family who enjoys your company, is the reward.