Author Topic: Take the temper tantrum outside?  (Read 5611 times)

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delabela

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2013, 10:59:08 AM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave. Of course, it depends on the age and the reason for this.

I read the motivation as more attention seeking - "I am upset, so everyone must feel my wrath" sort of toddler/young child approach. 

But, regardless of the child's motivation, it is not ok for the parents to continue to subject everyone to it.

rose red

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2013, 01:33:09 PM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave. Of course, it depends on the age and the reason for this.

I read the motivation as more attention seeking - "I am upset, so everyone must feel my wrath" sort of toddler/young child approach. 

But, regardless of the child's motivation, it is not ok for the parents to continue to subject everyone to it.

Exactly.  Punish them later at home, but don't punish everybody else by making them uncomfortable and misterable and ruin the party just to teach the kid a lesson. 

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2013, 01:44:52 PM »
I agree with the leaving when the child is likely throwing the tantrum knowing they'll be taken home, in that it's not always the best suggestion nor is it practical.   If my toddler had thrown a fit in the grocery store today I'd ask someone at CS if I could leave my cart there and then would take him outside to calm down, then go back in to finish the rest of the shopping.   I don't want to have to come back since he usually naps from noon-2 and my oldest comes home around 2:30. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

TootsNYC

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2013, 01:49:24 PM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave. Of course, it depends on the age and the reason for this.

I read the motivation as more attention seeking - "I am upset, so everyone must feel my wrath" sort of toddler/young child approach. 

But, regardless of the child's motivation, it is not ok for the parents to continue to subject everyone to it.

Exactly.  Punish them later at home, but don't punish everybody else by making them uncomfortable and misterable and ruin the party just to teach the kid a lesson.

You know, when a kid is throwing a tantrum, you have to deal with it right then. Often the only way to suddenly quiet the kid is to give in to him--which guarantees that he'll keep it up and do it often.

I suppose they could simply leave, but again, that might be a bad move, long-term.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2013, 01:56:23 PM »
True, especially for a little one, or they won't remember what they did wrong and will get confused.  With an older kid, I think around 4 and up, "When we get home" can work but younger than that, especially around 1-3, the consequences really do need to be immediate. 
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

snowdragon

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2013, 01:56:49 PM »
Problem is, if it's because they are upset/annoyed/overwhelmed to be there, then they know all they need to do is throw a fit and that's a free pass to leave. Of course, it depends on the age and the reason for this.

I read the motivation as more attention seeking - "I am upset, so everyone must feel my wrath" sort of toddler/young child approach. 

But, regardless of the child's motivation, it is not ok for the parents to continue to subject everyone to it.

Exactly.  Punish them later at home, but don't punish everybody else by making them uncomfortable and misterable and ruin the party just to teach the kid a lesson.

You know, when a kid is throwing a tantrum, you have to deal with it right then. Often the only way to suddenly quiet the kid is to give in to him--which guarantees that he'll keep it up and do it often.

I suppose they could simply leave, but again, that might be a bad move, long-term.

So what's your solution for this family? They have to continue to allow these kids to disrupt the entire party, every party, all the time, or is there something else that they can be doing? I am not trying to start a fight but I am curious as to what recourse everyone else has.

alis

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #36 on: April 19, 2013, 02:08:06 PM »
I don't think there is a right or wrong solution - it depends on the family. *I* personally would deal with it right then and there, or allow an older relative (grandparent) to lay down the law, but that is how we do things in our family. OP's family does mind this and are upset, so it is fine for them to suggest alternative discipline.

Either way, depending on the age of these children, discipline later that day might not make any sense (a 7 year old okay, but what if the other one is only 2??). Why not talk to her and work out a solution. You're going ot have to say something eventually if you want this dealt with, otherwise she will continue to do this.

EllenS

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #37 on: April 19, 2013, 02:40:45 PM »
I think the OP already has a great solution, she just needed validation that it was ok for the hosts to suggest/encourage/facilitate/require it.

Encourage the parent to take the tantrumming child out of the room full of people, and suggest/provide a safe and appropriate place for them to do so.

TootsNYC

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #38 on: April 19, 2013, 02:55:28 PM »
And for a while, yes, the family will simply have to endure it until Mikey grows out of the stage of screaming on the same high pitch for minutes on end and crying, crying, crying because he's not getting his way.

Which is why my family's cousin did. And yes, we sat there while he screamed and cried for easily 15 minutes while his parents turned their backs and had lighthearted conversations with the rest of us.

Mikey is our family member too--him learning how to control himself, etc., is our burden as well as his parents' burden. We're part of his family; he belongs to us. We have a stake in how he grows up. If enduring this for a while each get-together until he grows out of it is the price we pay for being connected to him and the rest of his family.

Mikey's PARENTS are our family members, and supporting them while they dealt with this unexpected and difficult and embarrassing reaction on the part of their little kid was what we did because they deserve our support; they belong to us.

Nobody promised me a completely stress-free family experience. I don't expect it.

(Though I will say--this really did interfere with the larger family bonding. We had a hard time feeling connected to him. Of course, it didn't help that when he got older, like 6 to 12, he didn't particularly care to speak to any of us. But we might have created a different dynamic if we hadn't spent 9 months being sort of irritated at him and feeling that he was a slightly inhuman being.)

snowdragon

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #39 on: April 19, 2013, 03:29:52 PM »
At that point I would have just started leaving, each and every time the kid started up.  Especially since one kid doing this appears to be of school age and two more who are younger, and the parents seem to be unwilling to do anything to mitigate the issue that causes  "everything basically come to stop" - sorry, I disagree that the entire family needs to be held hostage to these kids whims for the next several years.
  The rest of this family "is sick of it" and want relief.  If the only alternative for the rest of the family is to suck it up and deal until the parents decide to parent or the kids grow out of it then the response from the rest of the family should be leaving en masse or not inviting this family until this is dealt with.  Barring that I would leave the first time and if it continued more than that I would be refusing to attend anymore functions and refusing them entry to any function I was hosting. There has to be a better solution than an entire family held hostage to trantruming kids and no one can do or say anything but listen to it

delabela

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2013, 03:35:22 PM »
Going to another room away from people until the child calms down does not equal leaving completely.  That solution (which is the one the OP would like to offer the parents) serves to not subject the rest of the family to the screaming and allows the family to continue on with the gathering when the child is calm. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2013, 05:13:22 PM »
from the OP:

Quote
I swear that at every family party one of them throws a full out screaming fit. This happened at a party on Saturday. My Aunt and Uncle handle the fits okay but never seem to remove them. So basically one of the kids is screaming in the middle of a crowded house at a family party and everything basically comes to a stop.


Note that the OP (and apparently other family members) feel that the aunt and uncle are dealing with the kid, directly, in an appropriate manner.

The one thing I would say (having lived through having a cousin who screamed nonstop for, like, an hour because he wasn't getting his way) is that the rest of them should NOT stop what they are doing.

Why is the family party coming to a complete stop? Just keep going. Raise your voices a bit to be heard. Shift to the other side of the room.

My husband is the kind who would stop everything because some kid is crying or upset. That's just silly. The kid will get over it, and the family should just continue on.

It'll help the parents, actually, in dealing with the temper tantrum. It'll model the right behavior, and it'll send the message to the tantrumming child that nobody's going to bother with him.

allows the family to continue on with the gathering when the child is calm. 

And my point would be that they should continue on with the gathering whether the child is calm or not.

delabela

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Re: Take the temper tantrum outside?
« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2013, 06:42:17 PM »

allows the family to continue on with the gathering when the child is calm. 

And my point would be that they should continue on with the gathering whether the child is calm or not.

Sorry, I was not clear - I meant that the parent(s) who have removed the tantruming child(ren) from the main party area can return and continue on with the party when the child(ren) calm down.  I agree the rest of the family should continue on without regard for the tantrum - I just think the child should be removed while it happens.