Author Topic: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!  (Read 4455 times)

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courtsmad25

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What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« on: April 18, 2013, 11:52:11 AM »
B/G My mom and I just got home from a very small family reunion late last evening.. I am in my mid-thirties and my mom is in her early 60's...I noticed in this trip that she was constantly rude with people. It was anything from cutting in lines to running red lights (I know THAT was dangerous)..and all sorts of little things in between. Once or twice I'd mention to her "mom, that was kind of rude" and her response was "well, I'm *moms name* so it doesn't apply to me"... I asked my sister if she has noticed anything recently and she said that mom will go to random people and tell them how they need to raise their kids. I have noticed that she has become much more self centered in the past few years, and I don't know if this is an organic change such as Alzheimer's or dementia.

So, what do you do when your mother is perpetually rude? Do you apologize on her behalf? Do you tell her she was rude? any or all advice is welcomed

BeagleMommy

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2013, 12:02:06 PM »
Since this seems like new behavior to you I would suggest talking with her about seeing a doctor for an evaluation.

courtsmad25

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2013, 12:05:54 PM »
Thank you Beagle Mommy... I was going to bring it up with my dad and see if he'd be willing to talk to her doctor..

otterwoman

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2013, 12:06:57 PM »
I was typing out what BeagleMommy wrote. See if you can take her to her doctor and tell the doctor what you and your sister have noticed. If she flat out refuses to go then you may want to consider calling the Motor Vehicle department or local police department about having her license pulled before she kills someone while driving.

Cami

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2013, 12:16:50 PM »
Sadly, that type of change in behavior is a tell-tale sign of dementia, Alzheimer's or a stroke. She needs an eval pronto.

I was typing out what BeagleMommy wrote. See if you can take her to her doctor and tell the doctor what you and your sister have noticed. If she flat out refuses to go then you may want to consider calling the Motor Vehicle department or local police department about having her license pulled before she kills someone while driving.
The DMV will not pull someone's license on the say-so of another person. There must be verifiable proof of long-term incapacity. And that still won't prevent her from actually driving unless the vehicle is gone or the keys unavailable to her.

TootsNYC

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2013, 12:19:47 PM »
and remember that this is about how her behavior has CHANGED, not about how rude she is.

her self-control is weaker

EllenS

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2013, 03:36:49 PM »
While I agree that a sudden personality/behavior change is cause for a checkup, don't panic because it need not be dementia or Alzheimers.  There are a lot of physical conditions that could be involved. 

For example, last year my FIL became extremely anxious to the point of total paranoia/panic attacks/wouldn't leave the house.  The neurologist and psychologist coudn't diagnose him, and just gave him antidepressants. Turned out it was severe Vitamin B-12 deficiency.  Potentially serious, but also completely treatable and 100% reversable.   He's right as rain, now.

Hope all turns out OK for your mom.
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Syrse

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2013, 03:58:57 PM »
I just wanted to react to agree with EllenS; it needn't be one of the big names. Lately I've been short tempered, panicky, zero patience with people... I would drive my car and speed through lights, yell at people for being slow, etc. And now it turns out my thyroid gland went into overdrive after the pregnancy. Supposedly this is very normal especially for women, right after pregnancy or during the menopause  ::) Hooray...

Of course, if it's just rudeness, I found being very short helps the most. With my mom, at least. Otherwise she'll just explain her rudeness away. For instance, In a restaurant when she belittles the staff, I'll go with a shocked 'mom!'. If she is at my home and says something incredibly rude, I'll go with a cold 'you do not say things like that. Lets not talk about it again.' About the running lights, that would be the last time ever I drove with her. I'd tell her to stop the car right now, and take the wheel.
But my mom is a stubborn alcoholic who's memory is almost completely gone, I wouldn't really know what would work best in your situation. Best of luck though.

*inviteseller

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2013, 05:09:53 PM »
I worked with one of the sweetest, nicest ladies you would ever want to meet and it seemed like over night she became nasty, rude, short tempered.  After I talked with her son and daughter (I was close enough with her to do it) they took her in for an evaluation...Alzheimers.  My step mother, not always the most clued in socially but still tried to keep her tongue has taken to being rude and when you call her on it she is honestly confused because she feels that, say, telling her new DIL that she is fat and needs to lose weight is ok.  She is in the beginnings of dementia.  If your mom was normally not like that, it would not hurt to have her evaluated.  There is some great treatments now that can slow down the effects and smooth out the bothersome behaviors.   And it is shocking to those close to the person showing these behaviors but remember, it is not the person, but a disease (be it dementia, alzheimers, vitamin deficiencies, simple dehydration, diabetes, thyroids ect) causing it.

EllenS

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2013, 05:18:47 PM »
Going back to the original question, of course - if mom is just being a rudey rude-pants for no reason, I would personally handle that by calling her on it at each instance, and giving consequences, like refusing to spend time with her, for habitual offenses.  And of course, dangerous driving = no driving me.

I agree with the principle of Syrse's approach, but I might just pull it back a notch for my particular parent.  My dad does sometimes get rude with wait-staff in restaurants, because he thinks he's being funny.  I will, in that instance, tell the waiter in front of my dad, "Please don't let him give you a hard time.  I'm sorry.  He thinks he's being funny but of course he is not."  That has worked much better for me in getting him to take me seriously.  In my case, saying "Dad!" in a shocked voice was just part of the game, to him.  He thought I was playing along with his "comedy routine".
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Minmom3

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2013, 09:28:21 PM »
I was typing out what BeagleMommy wrote. See if you can take her to her doctor and tell the doctor what you and your sister have noticed. If she flat out refuses to go then you may want to consider calling the Motor Vehicle department or local police department about having her license pulled before she kills someone while driving.

Good luck with that - I hope your state takes that more seriously than California appears to.  I took away my mother's keys and car, the state never did.  That was after she'd totaled one car, had numerous accidents in the replacement, and since I lived 3+ hours away, and didn't see her too often, it wasn't until I took her home after 5 weeks of hip replacement rehab that I realized that she didn't have the judgment to drive safely anymore, and I took her keys away from her very abruptly and curtly.  I had to wait 3+ years for her to deteriorate enough that I just DID it, instead of relying on the state to do it.  Before, I knew she wasn't doing all that well, but I had no idea it had gotten as bad as it had.  In hind sight, I wonder how many other close calls she had where she nearly caused a bad accident.
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KB

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2013, 11:18:56 PM »
Good luck with that - I hope your state takes that more seriously than California appears to.  I took away my mother's keys and car, the state never did.  That was after she'd totaled one car, had numerous accidents in the replacement, and since I lived 3+ hours away, and didn't see her too often, it wasn't until I took her home after 5 weeks of hip replacement rehab that I realized that she didn't have the judgment to drive safely anymore, and I took her keys away from her very abruptly and curtly.  I had to wait 3+ years for her to deteriorate enough that I just DID it, instead of relying on the state to do it.  Before, I knew she wasn't doing all that well, but I had no idea it had gotten as bad as it had.  In hind sight, I wonder how many other close calls she had where she nearly caused a bad accident.

Yes, I had that experience in Victoria, Australia, too. You basically have to kill someone before they will take any notice.

cicero

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2013, 12:01:11 AM »
Running red lights isn't rude- it's dangerous and illegal. Walking up to strangers to comment on their parenting is very inappropriate. If this is new then definitely talk to her doctor. It coulkd be dementia or something like that, or a different medical issue ( as someone mentioned, could be a result of vitamin deficiency, hormonal imbalance, new medicine etc). When you talk to the doctor make sure you have all the details about your mother's behavior because she many be on her 'best behavior' in front of others ( especially others who may be 'testing' her)

I don't apologize for others ( not yet, anyway. My 82 yo father sometimes does embarrassing things but i let him deal with it(. Be
B/G My mom and I just got home from a very small family reunion late last evening.. I am in my mid-thirties and my mom is in her early 60's...I noticed in this trip that she was constantly rude with people. It was anything from cutting in lines to running red lights (I know THAT was dangerous)..and all sorts of little things in between. Once or twice I'd mention to her "mom, that was kind of rude" and her response was "well, I'm *moms name* so it doesn't apply to me"... I asked my sister if she has noticed anything recently and she said that mom will go to random people and tell them how they need to raise their kids. I have noticed that she has become much more self centered in the past few years, and I don't know if this is an organic change such as Alzheimer's or dementia.

So, what do you do when your mother is perpetually rude? Do you apologize on her behalf? Do you tell her she was rude? any or all advice is welcomed

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bopper

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2013, 08:59:48 AM »
I agree, Talk to your Dad and tell him "I know it is hard to see behavior changes when you live with someone every day, but I noticed this past weekend that Mom  {give examples here}.  I really think her doctor should evaluate her medically with these changes in mind.  I know sometimes medicines can interact?"

JeanFromBNA

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Re: What to do when your mom is constantly rude?!?!
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2013, 05:10:38 PM »
I would first have a sit-down conversation with your mom and dad, and see if her health or her medication has changed recently.  It could easily be a medication side-effect.  I've taken meds that made me impatient and irritable.  I would ask her to see her doctor "as a favor to me,"  to make sure that everything is okay.